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One super quick word about the top 20 2nd basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball and all the 2022 fantasy baseball rankings, each ranking appears insanely long and it is, but I imagine in a lot of leagues guys won’t have eligibility, because I’m using the extremely lax Yahoo position eligibility (five games started). Without further ado because this post is longer than the combined length of the Gutenberg Bible and Steve Guttenberg’s IMDB page, I mention where tiers start and stop and all projections are mine and cannot be reproduced without the express written consent of Major League–Damn, I’m being told by I did not have express written consent to use MLB’s warning. It was expressly written for them. You guys! Here’s Steamer’s 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. Subscriptions are up and running, and you can already get Rudy’s Draft War Room. Anyway, here’s the top 20 2nd basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball:

NOTE: All 2022 fantasy baseball projections are based on a 162-game season, and will be until we hear definitively there will be less games, due to the CBA. Also, I’m going on the assumption the NL is getting the DH.

NOTE II: All my rankings are currently available on Patreon for the price of a Starbucks coffee, if you get one of those extra grande frappuccino jobbers. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out over the next month, and get them all now.

NOTE III: Free agents are listed as just that and not yet projected. Once a guy signs, I will write out their blurb and add in projections, or remove them, if they sign in an unfavorable place. They are ranked currently where I think they might be if they sign on for a full-time job.

1. Trea Turner – Already went over him in the top 10 for fantasy baseball.

2. Ozzie Albies – Already went over him in the top 20 for fantasy baseball.

3. Mookie Betts – Already went over him in the top 20 for fantasy baseball.

4. Marcus Semien – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until here. I call this tier, “Fireworks from a giant lotion bottle.” As I said this offseason, “Semien signed with a seven-year deal with the Rangers. Ya know that poker expression, if you don’t know the sucker at the table, you’re the sucker? The Rangers don’t know who the sucker is. With each home run from Marcus Semien, my proposal to the MLB front office was they should shoot fireworks out of a giant lotion bottle, but clearly they had no interest in my suggestion, which is why I sent them a new proposal where they have a special Semien hot dog. After each bite of the hot dog, it shoots ranch dressing into your mouth. Yum! So, as you know, I am a huge fan of Semien. Have been for the past six years, which includes a few years when he wasn’t that great. Like someone putting an edible condom on a Semien hot dog, which is how they’re sold, let’s recap! Semien, um, burst onto the scene with a money shot of 27/10, his 2nd year in A’s in 2016, and it was off the races in our minds and imaginations. Then Semien was more hit or miss than Shawn Kemp. A high of 33 homers in 2019; a low of 10 homers in 2017, and the whole time Semien looked pretty similar under the hood. Then, last year, was the true giant lotion bottle in the sky, hitting 45 homers. Wanna do a true Semien spit take? If he were on the Astros, he would’ve hit 54 homers. Yes, those goofy Crawford boxes, were even easily than the Triple-A parks he played in for part of the year. What’s truly wild, and might not mean anything, Semien hit 16 No Doubters in 2019 off 33 homers, and only hit one no doubt home run last year. We call that a Gwen Stefani. Semien really kills fastballs — a two-minute man, huh? — hitting 36 of his homers off fastballs. His .538 SLG was 21st in the league, but his .452 xSLG was 93rd, that was 4th biggest difference between actual and predicted. Only three with a bigger difference were Frank Schwindel, Randy Arozarena and Dom Nunez. His realized average was .265 vs. .244 xBA. Take away the goofy minor league parks, and Semien is in line for the biggest come-to-Jesus moment. His home runs last year if he played in Texas? 32. And that was in what I bet will end up his career year.” And that’s me quoting me! 2022 Projections: 93/27/69/.253/12 in 607 ABs

5. Jonathan India – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Edman. I call this tier, “Jewish, Net Worth, Girlfriend.” By the tier name I mean, those are the Google search suggestions when you look up any player. Those suggestions are always there. So, this tier would always be my suggestions if you Googled, “2nd basemen to draft in 2022 fantasy baseball.” As for India, as most know, we have a deal with Steamer projections, which provides rates, then Rudy does his projections off of those. Rudy adding his secret sauce, which is not just ketchup, mayo and Sriracha. Any hoo! I bring this up now because I see Steamer’s India projections and I’m like, “Mmm…bye,” and those projections are essentially saying, “India’s gonna be a bomb, ay?” No idea why. Sometimes Steamer does this, and is completely off a certain guy. Usually it’s a guy with a short track record. India has a pretty perfect Launch Angle, and the best home park for surprising power. His Chase Rate was 25%, that’s nuts from a rookie. Joey Votto’s 24.7%; Mookie Betts’s 22.9%; India’s Chase Rate was 15th best in the league. He swung the 5th least number of times in the majors at 39%. India is kinda the anti-Baez, but for our purposes — or porpoises if dolphins have taken over the world by the time you’re reading this — India should be just as coveted. Line drive swing, waits for his pitch, has speed, positive attribute, positive attribute, positive attribute! Whether you call him Jonathan India, or Jonathan Guardia, I want him on all my teams. 2022 Projections: 103/26/72/.275/12 in 547 ABs

6. Jorge Polanco – I created a two-player comparison chart at Statcast between Marcus Semien and Jorge Polanco and they were so much closer than I expected, and I expected them to be close. Polanco is more aggressive, which could be a positive or negative. Semien might take some more pitches that you wish he hit, and Polanco might swing at more junky pitches, making weaker contact. Polanco’s line drive rate is better, and Launch Angle flatter, so Polanco, while being more likely to swing at a bad pitch, is also more likely to have a better average. As far as expected stats, Polanco has Semien easily beat. Polanco’s xBA is .267 vs. .244; xSLG is .487 vs. .453 and xwOBA is .347 vs. .331. Hubert H. Homerfree Dome kinda sucks, and Semien has more upside than Polanco, but I’m intentionally pushing Polanco up higher than he’s gonna be ranked elsewhere. This tier might seem big and excitable, but after it, 2nd basemen dry up. 2022 Projections: 88/28/94/.275/10 in 567 ABs

7. Javier Baez – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Figured if I heard the first part of the sentence, “Finally, the Tigers went out and got their man,” it would be followed by a story about how a few tigers dressed up as humans, went to visiting hours at Joe Exotic’s jail and ate him. It didn’t mean that, but if the Tigers sign Carole Baskin, the Pirates will trade Bryan Reynolds to the Tigers for her. So, the Tigers signed Javier Baez, and I love it. Tigers are sneakily becoming my “Pick it to stick it!” Which translates to a team I put hundred schmools on to win the World Series and they just miss the playoffs. Javier Baez is defined, for better or worse, for his lack of walks — wacks? Hey, that’s actually pretty good. “Baez is too reliant on wacks to be a reliable batting average guy.” Wacks seems to give off a negative connotation in the mind of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). If you’re in an OBP league, then I get it, but I’m not talking about OBP when I say Baez is continually underrated, which, brucely, is one of the weirder peccadillos in fantasy. By the way, never say “peccadillo” aloud because that would give someone the right to punch you in the nose. I say it’s weird because Baez is exactly the type that most love more than is deserved in real baseball. It’s truly bizarre. Real baseball people love Baez, even though he is a liability with his wacks. But for fantasy, I see Baez and want to “wacks” poetic. Comerica isn’t particularly fun-loving, so Baez has gone from Friendly Confines for power to neutral in Metco to a team whose player most synonymous with home runs was Matthew Boyd. Still, a guy who averages 27/15/.265 has my attention, and I’m ready to get my Baezian wacks.” And that’s me quoting me! 2022 Projections: 84/25/91/.257/14 in 541 ABs

8. Jazz Chisholm – He’s electric, and a pioneer of electric jazz is Les Paul, so Jazz Chisholm is Les Paul. The transitive property is undefeated! By the way, don’t tell me Les Paul isn’t a pioneer of electric jazz. According to Google, he is, and that’s all I know about jazz. See, I got 20 minutes into the twenty-hour Ken Burns jazz documentary five times. Hey, Ken Burns why don’t you combine your two favorite subjects, baseball and Jazz, and do a documentary about Jazz Chisholm? So, Jasardo’s strikeout rate worries me a little, but it wasn’t great last year (28.6%), and he still hit .248, going 18/23 in only 124 games. I’d happily take 25/30/.245 in 150 games. There’s a legit chance here for his average to get better and sneak into a 30/30/.260, which would give Mookie a run for who’s Betts. 2022 Projections: 86/22/72/.251/27 in 581 ABs

9. Ketel Marte – His 2019 is doing some heavy lifting. Or, I guess it’s “hiss” 2019, since he’s a Diamondback. I’m so so sorry for that pun. Write “Dad Joke” on a wooden stick and cane me ten times for penance. In 2019, Ketel went 32/10/.329, and he’s done, like, kinda nothing since. It’s why I have India, Baez and others above him, unlike Ketel’s ADP. Do I still expect Marte to be valuable? Yes, if he’s healthy, which he hasn’t been since 2019. Ketel is one of the few guys who can put up a neutral luck .315+ average. With the new Mendoza line becoming .175, then .315 in 500+ ABs is alone worth this draft pick. 2022 Projections: 83/19/71/.315/6 in 523 ABs

10. Brandon Lowe – There’s some massive amount of what have you done for me lately in ADP. There always is. I get it. A guy does well the previous year and you expect him to do well again. A guy does poorly and he gets buried, and becomes a candidate to be a sleeper. This isn’t new. The odd ones are the guys who do well and are still ignored. Then there’s a guy like Lowe, who is on his 2nd straight decent year, and is still being ignored. B. Lowe is below (wrong pronunciation!) George Springer by about fifty spots in some ADP leagues. Kinda apples to oranges on position eligibility, but if you get Lowe’s baseline projections (35/5) from Springer, you’d be so happy, right? Seems criminal how no one wants Lowe. “Hello, 9-1-1, I’d like to report drafters in this one league where Springer was drafted before Lowe by 50 spots. What’s my emergency? I JUST TOLD YOU!” I don’t mind Springer, but Lowe just went 39/7/.247 and Springer went 22/4/.264, and has never paired 39 homers with steals as high as seven in his career. Springer, and a lot of guys, in front of Lowe just seems bizarre. B. Zar meet B. Lowe. 2022 Projections: 91/35/95/.253/5 in 512 ABs

11. Tommy Edman – If his whole family is in a car, is it the Edmans or Edmen? Any hoo! He seems like an easy 25-steal guy and the kind of profile that would make it absurd if he wasn’t the leadoff guy for 150+ games. He might even surprise with more power in 2022 (he had 11 HRs last year). If he had his career HR/FB% last year, he would’ve hit seven extra homers. 2022 Projections: 105/15/63/.276/26 in 604 ABs

12. Whit Merrifield – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Altuve. I call this tier, “Ceiling fan in a tiny house.” By the tier name, I mean these guys were just barely above the next guys. As for Whit, last year I told you to avoid three top 2nd basemen: Whit, DJ LeMahieu and Keston Hiura. As Meatloaf sang, two out of three ain’t bad. Merrifield’s been a cockroach disguised as a crawfish in my gumbo for about five years now. I’ve given up trying to anticipate Merrifield’s demise. Appizzarently, he can steal 40 bags later in his career than just about anyone except Rickey Henderson. My worry as it’s always been is if he stops stealing, Whit gives little else, i.e., 10/40/.275 is a lot more interesting than 10/20/.275. He’s buried in these rankings compared to how well he’s done in the recent past, but one thing that never fails to fail is my expectation for old speed drying up, to Whit. 2022 Projections: 94/12/72/.271/26 in 643 ABs

13. Jose Altuve – “A ceiling fan in a tiny house” tier sounds like the perfect place for me to give Altuve a haircut on his draft price. If you were to put Altuve in a different home park, he would suddenly become a 15-homer, .230 hitter with the most pulled fly balls that traveled about 377 feet, unless it was Fenway. Either way, Altuve is easily confused for a large-sized, eighteen-month-old baby, and he loves the Juice Box. I know big-bodied players don’t age well, but how do short players age? I’m not being facetious. Anyone know if there’s been a study about players who are under 4′ 11″? Okay, that was facetious, but I am interested, if anyone’s seen anything. It just hard to compute drafting a guy the size of a broccoli stalk for his power. Also, in the bigger picture, this is the moment where you think to yourself, “2nd base is a deep position,” and this is also the moment you wonder, “Wait, are there anymore 2nd basemen to draft?” 2nd base looked good until here. I have my issues with Semien — sounds like a problem for a doctor! — and Betts feels like he’s off the board for me. Altuve’s likely ranked too low for me to draft and Whit and Muncy and–Okay, is this a deep position? I thought so about 170 words ago. Damn, that was fleeting! Hopefully, I grab a Jewish, Net Worth, Girlfriend, because I like some of the guys after this point, but they’re more MIs vs. 2nd basemen. 2022 Projections: 92/27/87/.268/5 in 577 ABs

14. Jake Cronenworth – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until LeMahieu. I call this tier, “Already went over these guys.” This tier is not at all what it seems. This tier means–Wait, this tier is exactly what it seems. As for Cronenworth, already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

15. Ty France – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

16. DJ LeMahieu – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

17. Gleyber Torres – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Gleyber. I call this tier, “The night shift!” Tier name is pretty straightforward. Kidding, the tier name makes no sense without an explanation. The other day my Cougar wife said to me that, due to my snoring, we might have to sleep in shifts. She would sleep for six hours then I get to sleep for six hours. So, I immediately yelled, “I take the night shift!” Cougs then argued that she came up with the plan so she gets the night shift, but I said it’s like when you call shotgun first. Doesn’t matter if that means grandma with her arthritic knees is stuck in the backseat, if you call shotgun first, then you get shotgun. Well, I called the night shift, which means I get to sleep from midnight to six AM and Cougs can sleep from 6 AM to noon. That’s this tier, the tier you want, the night shift. As for Gleyber, already gave you my Gleyber Torres sleeper. It was written while riding a unicycle. 2022 Projections: 83/25/87/.283/11 in 542 ABs

18. Ryan McMahon – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Enrique Hernandez. I call this tier, “Interview with Pope Ye.” On 20/20, they interview notable figures like Pope Francis or Kanye, but none of these guys are 20/20 threats. They’re at best 20-ish, 7-ish, and a news magazine called 20ish/7ish is where they’re interviewing someone named Pope Ye, who is just a guy dressed as Popeye who asks you to call him Pope Ye. As for McMahon, 2nd base’s answer to Christian Vazquez. IYKYK, and IYKYK what IYKYK stands for. When looking at McMahon’s splits, it says 13 homers through the 1st two months, then for June-September, it says, “Did not play or did he?” 2022 Projections: 73/24/82/.256/5 in 509 ABs

19. Chris Taylor – Dodgers’ offseason went like this, “We could sign Semien, Seager, Story or any of those guys for $300 million or we can get the most insane value out of Chris Taylor, due to Dave Roberts’s magic.” Dodgers went to their part-owner and asked him his opinion. He looked in the mirror and said, “Magic.” I don’t particularly understand how Dave Roberts gets what he gets out of Chris Taylor. It’s usually way more than anyone has any right to get out of Chris Taylor. He’s a neutral 12/6/.250 hitter, and he just went 20/13 with 92 runs. Ninety-two runs from primarily the six hole! What even. 2022 Projections: 78/18/69/.251/10 in 514 ABs

20. Jonathan Schoop – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

21. Eduardo Escobar – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

22. Max Muncy – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

23. Luis Urias – Already gave you my Luis Urias sleeper. It was written while waving pollen into my nose so I sneezed. UPDATE: Quad injury. 2022 Projections: 69/23/78/.271/5 in 491 ABs

24. Brendan Rodgers – The good news is his Launch Angle went up 11.5 year-over-over. The bad news is it was -5.2 the year before, so it only went up to 6.3. Brendan Rodgers is kinda like Juan Soto. Dot dot dot. If Juan Soto swung at everything, and had no speed, and not light-tower-power and–Ya know what? Rodgers is not like Juan Soto, except for his Launch Angle. Been seeing Rodgers much higher in ADP, i.e., Elsewhere, Mr. Rodgers is in a way richer neighborhood like y’all a bunch of King Fridays. 2022 Projections: 71/18/76/.279 in 512 ABs

25. Enrique Hernandez – Ya know who he is in Fenway? I hinted at it above. It’s the other mention of Fenway about ten players ago. He’s Altuve power-wise in Fenway. Just a lot of dunkers off the wall. “Didja say Dunkies?” That’s every Red Sox fan. Even though Alex Cora hasn’t shown any inclination of removing Enrique from the leadoff spot or just not being daft, I’m going to be obstinate and remove hundred at-bats from him at leadoff. 2022 Projections: 76/18/70/.248/2 in 471 ABs

26. Kolten Wong – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Kim. I call this tier, “Squint.” You know Quint from Jaws, the grizzled shark hunter? Yeah, this tier has nothing to do with him. This tier means if you squint hard enough you think you’re seeing value where there likely won’t be any. As for Wong, his numbers look like what I’m afraid Merrifield’s will become. Assignment alert! Draw a field of sad faces to signify Merrifield not doing well, then below it put an arrow pointing down. Now, put a piece of tape on it, and tape the drawing to your chest, so there’s a field of frowny faces pointing down to your crotch. That’s Wong. 2022 Projections: 71/9/51/.261/16 in 412 ABs

27. Abraham Toro – Already gave you my Abraham Toro sleeper. It screamed, “Made it, Ma! Top of the world!” UPDATE: Eugenio crowds Toro into possible platooning. 2022 Projections: 59/19/61/.261/8 in 451 ABs

28. Jean Segura – There’s something interesting here with Jean Segura…*falls asleep for five hours*…whoa, what happened? I was just about to talk about Jean Segura…*falls into a heap on the floor and starts snoring* 2022 Projections: 83/10/62/.281/8 in 544 ABs

29. Vidal Brujan – Already gave you my Vidal Brujan fantasy. It was written while running around a coffee table, screaming, “I got the zoomies!”  2022 Projections: 51/6/43/.238/18 in 387 ABs

30. Gavin Lux – It’s been so freakin’ long since I was excited about Gavin Lux, I went back to read what I wrote three years ago, and that was talking about how I was loving him four years prior! Here’s what I said way back then, “Lux almost hit .400 in Triple-A with 13 homers and three steals in 49 games. It was in the PCL, the league where they displace juice in the balls for helium, and his .451 BABIP is a skosh high. Still, a 14.2% walk rate and 18.1% strikeout rate in Triple-A should translate to better plate discipline. Dot dot dot. Eventually. Lux was exploited — 29.3% K-rate and .240 average — last year in his cup of coffee. In that cup of coffee he received a saucer of milk when he was supposed to cream the ball? Damn, Star-Lux sexpresso ended up looking like a Flat White. I know, Americano exceptionalism, but I need more than “the usual” or a tall with grande dreams. Not saying Lux will be like a Starbucks bathroom where you find a plaid shirt with what you hope isn’t human waste, but definitely is.” And that’s me quoting me! Maybe Lux is that plaid shirt after all. The crazy thing is Lux is still being handed his lunch and being told to go outside to eat it because he smells of urine. Last year, Lux hit .242 with 7/4 in 335 ABs. That’s a woof from the hounds of hell. UPDATE: Dodgers’ lineup is too stacked for Lux to be an everyday player. UPDATE II: With the trade of A.J. Pollock, Lux should see everyday playing time now. And…Well…Hmm…I’m still not a fan. Has he ever done anything? Serious question. Has he? Okay, I can’t hear you when you just talk into your computer screen, but Lux should see at-bats. 2022 Projections: 58/12/56/.247/7 in 424 ABs

31. Cesar Hernandez – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed with the Nats. Remembered him having a surprisingly good previous season and went to look at his stats and am now wondering my memory is so bad. Guess I remembered his good 1st half (15 HRs) and forgot his 2nd half (6 HRs, .239). As Cesar would say at a Target, caveat emptor. Though, the non-Ron Washington Nats is possibly the best landing spot for him for fantasy value.” And that’s me copying and pasting me! 2022 Projections: 77/16/57/.241/2 in 541 ABs

32. Rougned Odor – Here’s what I said this offseason, “Signed by the Orioles. They only signed Odor because they’re cheap, but this time their cheapness might pay dividends in fantasy. Imagine a factory that cuts corners and finds itself putting knifes in glove compartments for people to just cut seatbelts off their bodies, rather than a buckle that works. This is one of those times, when the knife cutting you out of your carseat is better than unbuckling. And that knife could lead a guy to hitting 30 homers and .220.” And that’s me quoting me! 2022 Projections: 61/27/72/.209/4 in 463 ABs

33. Andres Gimenez – His nickname is also what a kid says to a mortified parent after they scream, “You failed all your classes?” Student responds, “And-Gim.” If I thought the Guardians would play Gimenez for 550 at-bats, I might’ve put pants grapes on the third rail and ranked him up around Gleyber. And-Gim isn’t just Pam’s plus one, he still could do something, but I’ve kinda got to the point where I want to see it first. 2022 Projections: 47/8/43/.263/15 in 402 ABs

34. Josh Rojas – It’s ironic that’s his last name, because the only red on his Statcast page are for things like strikeout rate and chase rate. Here’s me looking at Rojas’s 11/9/.264 season last year, “Well, that’s promising if he gets a full-season of at-bats.” Then I realize that was in a full season of at-bats, and I wonder how low is too low to rank Rojas. UPDATE: Grade 2 oblique strain. 2022 Projections: 55/9/38/.251/9 in 408 ABs

35. Nick Madrigal – As I’ve said about a billionety times before, guys in the same tier are all interchangeable. If you want Madrigal before Segura, go for it. With that said, this tier and the next one are kinda interchangeable too. If you want some amorphous upside that doesn’t really exist, but you think it does, then go with Madrigal. If you just want someone who is going to get runs, then go with Adam Frazier or someone like that from the next tier. What a lot of people never tell you and why things like Fantasy Pros rankings are silly, if your team is heavy on average, then I don’t know what you’re doing if you’re drafting, say, Madrigal, instead of, I don’t know, maybe Jorge Mateo because you need steals. There’s no “ranking” that. This is a road map. Now, would I draft Madrigal before, say, Javier Baez because I needed average? No, that’s why I have the tiers, even if this one and the next are kinda the same. As for Madrigal, I’ll project him for “future batting champion who might hit three homers and steal three bags that might have Ghost Hunters run their lasers over Madrigal and declare he’s actually a dead-ball hitter reincarnated from 1897.” 2022 Projections: 61/3/39/.294/8 in 421 ABs

36. Jorge Mateo – True story alert! I nearly wrote a Jorge Mateo sleeper post, but then I realized I was having a break from reality, and with the help of friends, family and Jorge Mateo’s player page, I came to my senses. 2022 Projections: 51/7/47/.221/23 in 451 ABs

37. Garrett Hampson – You get in trouble if you prorate everyone out to everyday playing time. You get guys like Daniel Vogelbach projected to hit 35 homers or Garrett Hampson’s projections every year of his career, even though Bud Black couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. “Every time I look at a lineup, I choose Blackmon.” Everyone uncomfortably chuckles, then someone says, “Oh, Bud means Charlie Blackmon in a baseball lineup! Right!” UPDATE: With Iglesias, Hampson better pray for playing time. 2022 Projections: 54/11/41/.242/14 in 397 ABs

38. Ha-Seong Kim – He’s not great for fantasy, but it’s very considerate of him to allow us to use him as a prime example why we should never get excited about anyone’s KBO stats. Like an anti-Eminem, I just want to say thanks, Kim. UPDATE: With Tatis injury, Kim moves up. Lowercase yay. 2022 Projections: 41/14/57/.229/10 in 388 ABs

39. Edmundo Sosa – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until Cano. I call this tier, “2015 Juan Lagares.” In 2015, Juan Lagares started in 143 games, amassing 441 at-bats with half of them coming from the one or two hole, and putting up a line of 47/6/41/.259/7. I’ve tried to drink that line out of my brain. I smashed my head through a wall to forget that line. I listened to Baby Shark on repeat for a month straight, hoping I wouldn’t be able to remember anything else after that. Nothing will get that Lagares line out of my head. I can’t forget how awful that line is for a guy with 400+ at-bats, and half of them coming from the top of the lineup. He only had 47 runs, and he didn’t even hit for a terrible average! This tier is filled with guys who might challenge that Lagares line as being one of the worst 400+ at-bat lines ever. Know who Edmundo Sosa reminds me of? No, not Steely Dan. What are you even talking about? He reminds me of Aledmys Diaz. Cards occasionally spit out these random MIs that no one expects anything from, then they overachieve for one year, then they disappear again. Sosa also reminds me that it’s only fair the Cubs sign a guy with the last name McGwire. 2022 Projections: 52/12/59/.278/5 in 417 ABs

40. Tony Kemp – How did he hit eight homers last year? He weighs 108 pounds. That’s one-quarter stone for those overseas that weigh everything on a scale of what percentage someone weighs compared to Stone Phillips. I don’t get why the Brits weigh on the Stone Phillips scale, but far be it from me to judge. Have to think Tony Kemp, a 2-homer, 30-steal threat, going 8/8 has to be one of the weirder lines from last year. Almost as weird as everyone on the Giants. Most be something in the water in the Bay Area. Newsmax blames Nancy Pelosi. 2022 Projections: 71/6/32/.268/13 in 397 ABs

41. Adam Frazier – Ya know what this tier is proving to me? There’s a ton of teams giving at-bats to guys who are awful. Here’s what I said this offseason about Adam Frazier, “Traded to the Mariners. This is the kind of deal that seems good on paper. But then you pull back and realize that paper is actually toilet paper and you zoom in to realize what was used to write on the toilet paper and you scream in horror.” And that’s me quoting me! 2022 Projections: 80/7/50/.277/8 in 553 ABs

42. David Fletcher – A lot of guys in this tier with the label, “Classic nine-hole hitter,” but Fletcher could sneak into some leadoff or two-hole at-bats, if he gets hot. Also, he just came off a season where he hit two homers in 157 games and 626 at-bats, which just made me start choking, and I spit up a shrimp tail that was stuck in my windpipe for fifteen years, so…thanks? 2022 Projections: 73/5/41/.287/12 in 581 ABs

43. Wilmer Flores – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

44. Nick Solak – More like Solacking, amiright? *balloons fall from the ceiling* Oh my God! I am right?! Finally! 2022 Projections: 65/15/68/.273/6 in 487 ABs

45. Tommy La Stella – This 2nd base rankings is so bizzonkers long, and there’s only one way to summarize why: There’s lot of guys with 2nd base eligibility who could do something. One thing that shouldn’t be ignored is that the rankings are a lot of “these guys could do something” and not necessarily that they will. At the end of the year, there will be 20-ish 2nd basemen worth rostering, but 60+ guys vying for those top 20, and the ranking is more or less which order is most likely to achieve top 20 status. If all the guys in this ranking post (or any rankings post) actually reached their projections, there would be new historic levels of offense. 2022 Projections: 61/15/43/.264/1 in 441 ABs

46. Chad Pinder – The thought going through my mind for a lot of guys in this tier, “Even if he gets 400 at-bats, his projections are that low? Yikes.” 2022 Projections: 52/15/58/.231/1 in 421 ABs

47. Jonathan Villar – Signed with the Cubs. Villar and Brad Miller should start their own team, the Prospblocks. Just go around and play directly in front of prospects. Villar could’ve went to Korea and been an MVP, but instead he’ll platoon with Madrigal and Hoerner, and maybe Frazier, and kill all four of their values. 2022 Projections: 40/8/37/.251/12 in 361 ABs

48. Nico Hoerner – Looks eerily like Nick Madrigal, which makes think there’s at least a 30% chance the Cubs were on the phone with the White Sox, and this happened:

White Sox, “You want Nick or…?”
“Yeah, of course we want him,” the Cubs said thinking the White Sox said Nico.

And that’s how the Cubs traded for Nick Madrigal when they had their own Nick Madrigal by the name of Nico. Hoerner and Madrigal sounds like a 1940s musical duet. “Let’s hear it for Hoerner and Madrigal and their hit, Falsetto #3!” There’s a better chance for the Cubs’ middle infield to produce a song with the backing of Glen Miller, then combining for 15 homers and 100 RBIs. 2022 Projections: 50/8/37/.282/6 in 361 ABs

49. Dylan Moore – Some of the most humbling moments for me are when I see guys like Moore or Solak in this tier of guys who are only worth considering in the deepest of leagues after pegging them as sleepers the previous year. Those humbling moments are followed by a litany of excuses. If Moore saw 550 at-bats last year, he would’ve went 15/25! Sure, he hit .181, but stop trying to humble me! It’s not nice! Are you The Iron Sheik? 2022 Projections: 41/11/59/.193/16 in 341 ABs

50. Jeff McNeil – His 2019 — 23/5/.318 — was so great, and seemingly out of nowhere that a lot of people forget it wasn’t seemingly out of nowhere, it was out of nowhere. Jeff McNeil was never supposed to be good, and he’s been back on brand ever since. When you google “Jeff McNeil’s Hard Contact,” Google returns with, “Did you mean Soft Contact?” On a related note, the Mets cornered the market on Micks who hit weak grounders. Between McCann and McNeil, they hit about as hard as the IRA, if the Irish Republican Army was modeled after everything they read about IRAs on Charles Schwab. 2022 Projections: 41/9/42/.262/4 in 386 ABs

51. Jose Iglesias – Signed by the Rockies. Hey, Garrett Hampson, if you’re in line for playing time, STAY IN LINE. Even with Iglesias, the Rockies don’t have a prayer. He’s fine for average and light power and speed. He’s like the Israeli Diner-Falafel with extra PITA. That’s Pain In The Ass aka Bud Black. 2022 Projections: 61/10/54/.278/7 in 489 ABs

52. Leury Garcia – He’s like 2015 Juan Lagares minus a few Juans. He went 5/6 last year. Guess in how many games? Bzzt! Wrongo! That was in 126 games! Wow. 2022 Projections: 58/6/54/.274/9 in 445 ABs

53. Luis Arraez – Twins got their own Nico Hoerner/Nick Madrigal! Call him Minnie Minnesota, because not quite a Nicky is a Mickey. See, totally tracks! Also, if the Twins give Arraez another 428 at-bats, after seeing him go 2/2 last year in 428 at-bats, then the club should be shut down, fumigated, and reopened somewhere else. 2022 Projections: 61/3/38/.302/3 in 391 ABs

54. Robinson Cano – Saw him in the Mets’ depth chart for the 2022 season, and I laughed for two hours, then got real quiet, then laughed again for another hour, then I farted, and pointed at my dog, Ted. 2022 Projections: 40/10/43/.251 in 330 ABs

55. Nick Senzel  – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the end of the list. I call this tier, “That’s a squished fly.” See, you thought you had your 2nd base slot filled, so you didn’t draft anyone, but it turns out that was a squished fly on your computer screen, and you realized it way too late. As for Senzel, he has 163 games in his career and has gone 15/18/.246. That’s likely the best case scenario if he magically got healthy for a full season. Well, if the Reds had to play a tiebreaker, so 163 games. If your fantasy league only counts 162 games, and Senzel hits 15 homers and steals 18 bags in game 163, then that would suck. Luckily, we’ll be able to avoid all these hypotheticals, because Senzel is never healthy. 2022 Projections: 41/10/36/.259/4 in 335 ABs

56. Cole Tucker – Seems pretty impossible Cole Tucker could be any worse with a starting job, but that’s also what I would’ve said to you for the last two years, yet here we are and Tucker keeps lowering the bar. Great for limbo, terrible for fantasy baseball. 2022 Projections: 44/7/39/.234/12 in 406 ABs

56. Luis Garcia – Finally, we’re ranking starters! With his rockabye motion, Luis Garcia is putting hitters to sleep–Wait, this is the other Luis Garcia. All of the Luis Garcia’s remind me of the Outkast’s Ms. Jackson intro:

Yeah, this one right here goes out
To all the Luis Garcia’s Garcias’ Garcias,
Garcias, Garcias, baby Garcias’ Garcias,

Would’ve did a Nats’ Luis Garcia sleeper post if I thought he could’ve got 575 ABs. Maybe I still can if Alcides retires, and the season is delayed by a few weeks. I just jinxed it, didn’t I? I had to open my big fat brain! Last year in 378 at-bats combined between Triple-A and MLB, Garcia went 19/1 and around a 17% strikeout rate. I say around, because I didn’t feel like doing the math. He also had 11 steals in Double-A in 2019. He’s a 60-grade hit tool guy with solid power and some speed. Oh, and he’s 21 years old and an injury away from an everyday job. Again, I’m once again thinking I need to write a sleeper post for him. I’m a big fan, but the Cesar Hernandez signing is perplexing. UPDATE: Nelson Cruz blocks him. 2022 Projections: 44/15/45/.281/5 in 333 ABs

57. Alcides Escobar – This guy made an entire career out of being 2015 Juan Lagares. Alcides Escobar is the Juan Lagariest. He’s The Juan. He’s so Lagaressy, he’s not even ranked in the “2015 Juan Lagares” tier because he’s moved past that. He’s on a higher Juan Lagares plane. 2022 Projections: 41/5/39/.253/6 in 377 ABs

58. Nick Gordon –  Feels like the guy who singlehandedly can answer the question, “How serious are the Twins about competing?” If Gordon gets 300 at-bats, then not that serious. 2022 Projections: 40/3/28/.237/15 in 228 ABs

59. Willi Castro – Could be a very cheap alternative to Carlos Correa. No, he won’t hit as well as him, but if the Tigers ask nicely and drive him to City Hall, maybe Willi could change his name to Carlos Correa. Lot cheaper than signing the other one! 2022 Projections: 48/7/54/.234/8 in 391 ABs

60. Jace Peterson – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

61. Tyler Wade – As I said this offseason, “Traded to the Angels. The Angels gave up Mike Trout and Shohei Ohtani to get Wade–Wait, I got misinformation. I was hearing Wade for Trout and Ohtani from someone with the Twitter handle, “@Jeterpleasesleepwithmywife.” Wade will likely get way too many at-bats, as he always does.” And that’s me quoting me! 2022 Projections: 41/2/14/.241/19 in 277 ABs

62. Jurickson Profar – Already went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2022 fantasy baseball.

Omitted but considered: Brad Miller (free agent), Ramon Urias, Joey Wendle, Nolan Gorman, Jon Berti, Mauricio Dubon, David Bote (injury), Matt Duffy (FREE AGENT), Christian Arroyo, Zach McKinstry, Michael Chavis, Jed Lowrie (FREE AGENT), Hanser Alberto, Donovan Solano (FREE AGENT), Owen Miller, Harold Castro, Otto Lopez, Nick Maton, Nick Gonzalez, Xavier Edwards, Sergio Alcantara, Isan Diaz, Hoy Park, Tucupita Marcano, Josh VanMeter, Isaac Paredes, Rodolfo Castro, Jose “Isn’t he a sleeper?” Peraza, Mike Brosseau, Michael Busch, Marwin Gonzalez (FREE AGENT), Jose Iglesias (FREE AGENT), Niko Goodrum (FREE AGENT), Shed Long Jr. (FREE AGENT), Aledmys Diaz, Josh Harrison