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“Today is a day that will live in infinity,” as FDRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR….said. It will also live in your hearts and minds for the next few months as you constantly check the 2022 fantasy baseball rankings for updates on projections, rankings and just other little fun bits of tid.

Before we get into the top 10 for 2022 fantasy baseball (though I imagine every single one of you has skipped this intro), I’m gonna lay down some exposition. Here’s where you follow us on Twitter. Here’s where you follow us on Facebook. Here’s us on Youtube. Here’s us on TikTok (where we have one video of me singing Sean Kingston’s Beautiful Girls to boba-ristas.) Here’s our fantasy baseball player rater. Here’s our fantasy baseball team name generator. Here are all of our 2022 fantasy baseball rankings.  Here’s the position eligibility chart for 2022 fantasy baseball. And here is a picture of my son. What a punim! You may not get all of those links in such a handy, easy-to-use format again this year, so make proper note. (Unless you just go to the top menu on this page that says “Rankings” and click it, but semantics, my over-the-internet friend, semantics.) Also, here’s Steamer’s 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2022 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. Rudy’s on top of it this year! Sorta, he says to note it’s Version 1.0, and tweaks will happen over the course of the next few weeks. Also, Rudy’s Draft War Room is ready for all subscribers.

Now my expositional half insists I breakdown some generalizations about these 2022 fantasy baseball rankings. The 2022 fantasy baseball rankings will be an ever-evolving mass like the blob. This fantasy baseball top 10 for 2022 list is as of right now and could potentially change with a big injury or Bo Bichette quitting baseball because he’s bored with being the best and wants to play competitive Mahjong. (I’m not sure yet where Bichette would rank in my Mahjong Top 10.) So while it is the 2022 fantasy baseball gospel, take it with a tablet of salt. Tomorrow we will cover the rest of the top 20 for 2022 fantasy baseball, then we will go around the horn with a top 20 (more like 60) list for every position. Then for pitchers and outfielders, I’ll turn the dial to 100 (more like 140). Listed with each player are my 2022 projections. Did I consult with anyone else who does projections? It would be ignorant not to, but, in the end, these are my projections. Players need 5 games started at a position to get included in the positional rankings. If I put someone in a position, that is why. Well, that is whyahoo, actually. Finally, as with each list in the 2022 fantasy baseball rankings, I will be mentioning where I see tiers start and stop. I look at tiers like this, if Bichette and Juan Soto are in the same tier, it doesn’t matter if one guy is ranked 1st and one guy is ranked 2nd, they’re both very close. It comes down to personal preference. I would prefer the guy at number one over the guy at two, but you do you, I’ll do me and let’s hope we don’t go blind. Anyway, here’s the top 10 for 2022 fantasy baseball:

NOTE: All 2022 fantasy baseball projections are based on a 162-game season, and will be until we hear definitively there will be less games, due to the CBA. Also, I’m going on the assumption the NL is getting the DH.

NOTE II: All my rankings are currently available on Patreon for the price of a Starbucks coffee, if you get one of those extra grande frappuccino jobbers. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out over the next month, and get them all now.

1. Bo Bichette – This is the first tier. This tier goes from here until Vlad Jr. I call this tier, “My Hot Pocket Heating Trials concluded with 82 seconds at 70% heat.” You ever heat up a Hot Pocket so perfectly and you’re like, “I put it in for 82 seconds at 70% heat, and I can bite right into it without the pizza topping pouring out into my mouth and causing welts and burns.” That’s this tier. The only problem is you don’t just land on 82 seconds at 70% heat without a lot of trial and error, so you have a mouth filled with canker sores and you lost the tastebuds on the left-side of your tongue, due to previous Hot Pocket heat trials. That’s also this tier. There’s some guys here who I worry could burn us, which is sorta why this 1st tier is so long.

This tier is longer than any first tier in the history of fantasy baseball rankings. In 1905, coincidentally when Hot Pockets were invented, my great-great grandfather ranked Bob Unglaub of the Boston Americans 1st overall, and Ty Cobb 5th, making that 1st fantasy baseball rankings tier five players long. On a side note, Ty Cobb went to my great-great grandfather’s house, called him some racial slurs and burned his house down. But at five people that was the longest 1st tier in fantasy baseball history before this year. This tier is six players long because, as The Situation would say, GTL! That stands for Goddamn That Last year! Why are there some letters capped and others aren’t? Let me answer your question with another question, “You ever call a ride-along, Zamboni-type vacuum a Vroom Vroom Broom?” What does that 2nd question have to do with anything? Nothing, but I also don’t have an answer for why I didn’t cap all the letters in Goddamn That Last year! This tier is so long because of GTL, and I’m afraid of heating Hot Pockets to 84% heat for 90 seconds and needing to be rushed to the ER for my mouth burns. GTL! GTL! GTL! It sucked so bad for the 1st round last year that a big tier signifies all the risk, even with the top players. I’m hoping this year we get some clarity, but we have a ton of question marks early. These guys could be the best, or Bichette could need shoulder surgery by May. Ya feel me? Metaphorically! Please stop touching me!

First off, stop putting words in my mouth. I didn’t rank Bo Bichette this high because if you say his name fast it sounds like Boba Chette. Yes, I love Boba, but that had nothing to do with it. *takes a boba straw and dips it into a Bo Bichette bobblehead where I’ve carved out a drinking vessel in his head* Now, onto serious matters. Bo Bichette is better than Trea Turner. There, I said it. He’s better than Juan Soto. You can’t get tied up in the whole, “This guy is safer because he’s done it for more years.” That is a surefire way to lose at fantasy. Safety doesn’t come from more age, it comes from less age. Look at this top ten, you see a ton of 30-year-olds? You do? Where? Sorry, not to be an ageist, but this is baseball now. Guys peak out at like 27, after doing the strut-like-a-bird catwalk from ages 20 thru 26. Not saying Boba, Soda, Treat or others will suck in their 30s, but top homeslice value is coming from 25-year-olds and younger. On the Player Rater, Boba Chette was 2nd overall last year for all fantasy value, just barely missing the top overall spot to his teammate, Cake Batter. Now I will concede that all things being equal, and health being good for Acuña, then he’s the best fantasy player. (Wouldn’t be that close.) But Acuña isn’t quite ready, and Boba Chette’s impossible to not see as a 30/25/.300 hitter if he just repeats, and that’s better than others without major counting stats advantages. By the by, that brings me to a good point: Stop asking if a player is going to lose runs or RBIs, due to players in or not in a lineup. Bichette and Vlad were one and two last year, and they didn’t hurt each other by stealing runs or RBIs from each other, and Jo-Ram did fine with no Lindor, as I wrote about 1500 times last year. So, what causes the Hot Pocket Heat Trial concern that Boba might be heated to 90% for two minutes? There’s no track record. But, at two overall, you see how little I care about a track record with his ability. 2022 Projections: 115/30/92/.303/28 in 607 ABs

2. Juan Soto – I haven’t read Eat, Pray, Love, but I can easily answer it. I’d: Eat Miguel Sano, Pray Tatis stays healthy and Love Juan Soto. It’s fair to think, “Why would I ever not trust Sexy Dr. Pepper to be effervescent, and what concerns could I possibly have?” Well, if you can remember all the way back to the 1st half of the 2021 season, Sexy Dr. Pepper was putting the “eff” in effervescent as he had a Launch Angle that was going like this: “Hey, I’m Juan Soto’s Launch Angle, what do you mean I have to pay a trademark tax to Yandy Diaz for using his?” Sexy Dr. Pepper is such a sexy soda beverage, that he actually fixed his swing in the Home Run Derby, and huzzah! I love it! But that doesn’t mean it can’t go all wrong again. It shouldn’t, but nothing’s forever. Except for you and I–Sorry, I was writing a card out to Juan Soto, because I do love him. But there’s the worry of a 94-second Hot Pocket burning us and the Launch Angle coming out of my mouth is under 6 and is a Tostino grounder to 2nd. 2022 Projections: 106/36/112/.319/8 in 517 ABs

3. Trea Turner – You, an intellectual, “Why is Treat Urner not at 70% heat for 82 seconds?”
Me, a thinker, “He should be, but there’s a chance he could get overheated and only steal 30 bags, hit 19 homers and I’m not sure that is really worth a top five pick.”
You, a skeptic that is learning, “So, you’re worried about Treat’s power, and his speed — what are you not worried about?”
Me, a person losing their patience with your questions, “His runs, his average, he stays pretty healthy, his power’s been 25+ ish for the past two years if you prorate 2020 and his speed is always there. Any other questions?”
You, a person who has stopped listening, “You ever want to stick your head out the car window like a dog?”
Me, now ignoring you, “Okay, moving on.” 2022 Projections: 114/26/81/.312/33 in 584 ABs

4. Jose Ramirez – If I did my calculations correctly, Jo-Jo-Ram is the oldest top 10 player this year at 29 years of age. And by “my calculations” I mean “looking at their birthdates while on their player page.” We’ll see if I’m right! Sorry, not to make this as basic as this guy is 22 and this guy is 29, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see this be the last year Jo-Ram is in the top 10 overall. He might have some solid seasons still in his bat, I could see 30 homers and .260 for the next five years from him, but at some point the wheels have to come off. “Ex-squeeze me!” That’s Whit Merrifield affronted that I would imply with age comes less steals. With all that said, Jo-Ram’s Sprint Speed last year was up from the previous year, and respectable still, so who knows. Maybe Jo-Ram’s Hot Pocket temperature for one more year is 172 degrees Fahrenheit, and not Celsius. 2022 Projections: 106/34/108/.273/25 in 567 ABs

5. Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Cake Batter is similar to Sexy Dr. Pepper. I’d put money on them getting good stats, but good stats for fantasy? Well, um, ya see, hmm, yes, but they’re not getting 15+ steals. They might not get seven-plus steals. Vladdy the Mini Impala might not even get three steals. It’s a hard way to get top ten overall value. Cake Batter was the best player for fantasy last year, so obviously it can be done, but you put the Hot Pocket on 75% heat for four minutes and then it’s a Hocked-A Pocket as you’re spitting it across the floor and Cake Batter’s “only” a 35/.300/2 hitter, which is great, awesome, adjective! But is that a top 5 hitter overall? Meh, maybe close, but not without some solid runs and RBIs, which he should get, but those can be fickle. It’s much easier to count on 30/20/.260 — see, Jo-Jo-Ram — then 40/3/.320. My heart grows wide like Cake Batter’s cake when thinking about Cake Batter, but I ranked him here after much consideration about what he was bringing vs. others in front of him. 2022 Projections: 109/37/116/.306/4 in 589 ABs

6. Shohei Ohtani – This is a new tier. This tier goes from here until the top 20 for 2022 fantasy baseball. I call this tier, “Dreamcasting.” I don’t mean if I were a casting agent, the dream casting for a movie role. Though, if I could go back and change one actor in one role, I’d have O.J. Simpson play Claus Von Bulow in Reversal of Fortune. When I say dreamcasting, I mean, I am asleep and dreaming of the best case scenarios. It’s kinda like a whole tier of Acuñas aka Tildaddies because these guys are so sexy if we get their best case scenario. We’re still in the top 10 overall, so it’s not like the floors here are miserable. There’s also the case that all the guys in this tier have hideous worst case scenarios, and they’re closer in reality than some of the guys above. That’s not to say I expect Ohtani to have a 10/5/.240 season (I just jinxed him, didn’t I?), but that possibility is a bit more relevant than, say, of Juan Soto bottoming out. Sure, Juan Soto could resort to 1st half Launch Angle and hit 12 homers in 500 at-bats, but that is like a .02% chance of happening, and Ohtani going 20/7/.240 is, like, a 15% chance. Ohtani was so great last year, it’s hard to imagine him or anyone doing it again. He had a Tatis-type year as a hitter, and was a top 20 starter. That’s basically a top 20 year all-time. If Babe Ruth hit 50 homers, stole 25 bags and had a 10.8 K/9 in 130 1/3 IP, the first search suggestion in Google wouldn’t be “Babe Ruth fat.” Babe Ruth’s career K/9 was 3.6. El oh–*coughs* Okay, fair, they weren’t trying to strike out guys in the 1920s, but they also weren’t letting the best players play against him either, so Babe Ruth was fatato-fahtato. Expecting that again from Ohtani, though? Well… Here’s his Statcast:

The top says he’s no joke, but the xwOBA rolling graph is concerning. For anyone who rostered Ohtani, i.e., if you were an Ohstani, then you might remember, he did trail off a bit as the season went on. Well, yeah! He threw 130+ IP and saw 537 ABs. Of course, he was exhausted. Think his 1st and 2nd half splits show he’s human — if only barely. I don’t know how long he can maintain the pace from last year. Remember it took him three partial years previously (four if counting Japan) to have the stamina to even make it three-quarters of a year. Of course, all this goes out the window when you have his ability. He’s so good he’s invented a new slashline: 40/25/3.25/150. 2022 Projections: 97/36/90/.254/19 in 511 ABs and 10-8/3.59/1.11/141 in 122 IP

7. Ronald Acuña Jr. – There’s dreamcasting that means casting a line into the ocean, catching a whale, and being able to live in its belly rent-free for your entire life, so you don’t have to worry about a mortgage, there’s also the dreamcasting that Acuña is simply healthy. Think about it, young prematurely balding man: The difference between Tildaddy and the number one overall spot is health? Acuña’s already told us he’s going to miss a month of the season. Tildaddy’s already got his injury. Nice of him to get it out of the way. The trouble with Tildaddy is threefold. Onefold) He could have a setback. Twofold) He says he’ll only miss a month of the season, but where did he get his medical degree from? I mean, good for him, if he’s a doctor, but I still worry about his ability to diagnose himself. Threefold) There’s no such thing as threefold. Tildaddy has another thing in common with Fun. If he plays 100 games, it’s hard to envision him not getting about as much fantasy value as guys who are doing it in 140+ games. Of course, the issue is no one in 100 games is going to get anywhere close to the runs and RBIs, and, while those categories sizzuck, they’re still there. Now, if Tildaddy is healthy, and back even sooner than his envisioned timetable, then he’s going to go 50/40/.280 and we’re going to get Fun nine spots later, and rename our three children to Ronald, Acuna and Jr. and become the daddy you never thought yourself capable of. “I love you, Ronald, Acuna, Jr.” “Dad, why aren’t you looking at us when you say that, and are instead saying that while refreshing your fantasy baseball team page?” “Quiet, Ronald, Acuna, and Jr.” UPDATE: The lockout sucked. Dot dot dot. Unless you were Tildaddy’s timetable. “Hey, what’s up, I’m Tildaddy’s Timetable. First of all, stop putting your stupid alarm clock on me. I’m not your timetable! I’m Acuña’s! Second of all, stop referring to me as an end table. I’ll end you!” Okay, so with the lockout pushing games a little later into April, Ronald Acuña Jr. was moved up a bit. 2022 Projections: 88/37/84/.281/23 in 489 ABs

8. Luis Robert – There’s dreamcasting, which means casting someone named Lyrem Peerts for like $15/hour in your own Abba movie, then putting a mirror up across from the poster in theaters so everyone who looks at the mirror thinks they’re seeing Meryl Streep, and there’s dreamcasting Luis Robert to just stay healthy. Here, we’re dreamcasting for the 2nd, but if anyone knows a Lyrem Peerts, put them in touch with me. I have some ideas on how to make mirror poster movies. Also, “Mirror Poster Movies” is my idea, so don’t try to cast Mot Esiurc in your new film, Pot Nug and put up mirrors across from the cinema. Steamer has Luis Robert projected for 31/14/.285 in 149 games, and I just did a ytrid in my “Mirror Poster Movie” pants. Also, and here’s where I begin to cackle: I think that’s the floor! In 124 games, and 477 ABs in his MLB career, he’s gone 24/15/.294. Oh, I’m sorry, is he gonna go 40/20/.280 this year? Yes, please! My guess is Luis Robert will be on a lot of league champions next year and I want to win some championships! Speaking of which, anyone wanna invest in my movie, Ydur, about Erton Emad? Also, there’s a clip of me ranting about Luis Robert and ADP, subscribe to our Youtube channel. 2022 Projections: 89/34/104/.281/17 in 561 ABs

9. Rafael Devers – There’s dreamcasting that means casting yourself in a documentary just so you can start a cult, and there’s dreamcasting that says if Vlad Jr. was the best player for fantasy last year, and he’s kinda indistinguishable from Devers, then…Well, Devers can be the best player in fantasy too. I had a question that I posed to my giant brain, “Is Rafael Devers similar to Juan Soto?” And, this is gonna surprise you, because I was looking for it, he is similar. Well, not according to Statcast, which has Devers as most similar to Gorkys Hernandez. Ah, yeah. Of course! They must always be going up to Rafael Devers and being like, “Stop being so much like Gorkys Hernandez.” I wish I was joking, but as I pointed out previously with Juan Soto, when Statcast said he was most similar to Justin Smoak and Ji-Man Choi, Statcast’s most similar player function is completely broken. I’m the only that seems to care about this. To which I say, a’la John Oliver, “Cool.” I say Devers is similar to Soto, because they both go back with the pitch to center around 40% of the time, and hit it “hard” about 40% of the time, i.e., They are good at good contact. Devers would lose in a race to a 57-year-old Nelson Cruz, though, so it’ll be tough for him to achieve greatness like Cake Batter last year, but unlike a lot of guys in the top 10, Devers feels a bit safer, like Sexy Dr. Pepper. 2022 Projections: 104/36/115/.284/4 in 597 ABs

10. Kyle Tucker – There’s dreamcasting that means colorblind and species-blind casting. For instance, imagine a world where ALF wasn’t subjugated to playing an alien, and had a huge movie career. Imagining ALF dating and later marrying Angelina Jolie, which meant she wasn’t available for Brad Pitt, which meant he stayed with Jennifer Aniston, and I want to live in that world where ALF married Angelina Jolie. That’s colorblind, species-blind, alien-blind casting and what I call dreamcasting. Also, dreamcasting is imagining Kyle Tucker is the best player in all of fantasy in 2022. This unassuming guy?

Kyle Tucker looks like he just finished up an 8-hour study sesh in the library and wants to hit the hay, and calls it “hitting the hay.” They talk a lot about how baseball players don’t look like athletes, and their go-to is how one of the greatest of all-time, Babe Ruth, looked like he’d get to first base on an easy double and ask the coach to have a plate of pasta waiting for him at 2nd base, but Kyle Tucker looks in no way like a professional athlete either, just not a fat slob. Yet — again with some stank — YET! Here we are. He went 30/14/.294 last year and all those numbers seem like the floor vs. the ceiling. He had a 16.1% HR/FB% last year, and that feels like the low-end. The seven guys in the majors with the softest, uh, Soft Contact, in order: Votto, Judge, Adolis, Tucker, Just Dong, Vlad Jr., and Shohei. Kyle Tucker’s about to hit 38 homers, steal 15 bags and hit .315 or maybe I’m dreamcasting, like a world where ALF and Angelina Jolie adopt twelve kids from Malaysia. 2022 Projections: 94/35/108/.303/15 in 564 ABs