Please see our player page for Luis Urias to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

The title refers to Lisztomania by Phoenix, which led me down a rabbit hole of Wikipedia that I have to share with you. Lisztomania was a frenzy over composer Franz Liszt, the original Justin Bieber. This is especially hilarious from Wikipedia, “Lisztomania was considered by some a genuine contagious medical condition and critics recommended measures to immunize the public,” and not considered the same as Beatlemania, which was used to mean a craze; Lisztomania caused actual craziness. Will Luzardo-Manaea cause women to rip their brooches from their bosoms and throw them at passing horse-drawn carriages in Oakland? Well, let’s let Tupac tell you about Oaktown, “Out on bail, fresh out of jail, California dreamin’, soon as I step on the scene, I’m hearin’ brooches screamin’.”  Screamin’ instead of whizzin’ by for the rhyme, obviously. Sean Manaea and Jesus Luzardo should be back with the team within ten days and now’s the time to stash them. For thousands of years, Samoans were a persecuted people, due to their big bones. One Samoan, Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la told one reporter, “If you ordered a flank steak, and got a thick ribeye, you’d be elated,” then Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la got choked up, “But if you order a five-foot, six-inch man and get a 485-pound man wearing a grass skirt, they make fun of you.” Manaea, the one skinny Samoan in the world, doesn’t have this problem. He has control, not just appetite control.  He could have an under-2 BB/9, which should limit damage, just like his home park. I’m stashing him everywhere. Luzardo is a bit more of an upside gamble. He also has pinpoint control, and can strike out a ton of guys. There’s little to not like about Luzardo, except how he might be deployed in September and does he get enough starts to matter. Plus, roofies, those darn things. I’m stashing Luzardo too, but I’m not throwing brooches at him. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to the Friday FanDuel writeup! We’re starting the weekend off with a full 15-game slate and there’s one pitcher that stands about the rest for me – Charlie Morton ($11,300). Somewhere out there Kate Upton’s reading this calling Morton a fake-stud – ala when she called Rick Porcello a fake-Cy Young – but hear me out, Kate. It really seems unfair (especially to a Phillies fan who only got four starts of studly Morton in 2016) that Charlie’s having a career-best season in terms of strikeout rate (30.5%) and walk rate (7.1%). The icing on the cake for Morton is the matchup against the Tigers. For the year, the Tigers have the second-worst wOBA against right-handed pitchers and the third-highest strikeout rate at 26.1%. Let’s take a look at the rest of today’s slate.

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Yesterday, Jason Vargas was traded to the Phillies. Good luck, Phillies reporters! Vargas will be the 1st player to throw batteries back at fans. “What’s with that stupid grin?” Rhys Hoskins pulls Vargas by the arm, “Hey, Vargy, that’s, uh, the Phanatic. His expression doesn’t change.”  “I’ll knock that smirk off his face!”  So, Vargas now becomes the ace of the Phillies’ staff, which means he’s a league-average starter.  I keed. A little. Aaron Nola is good, just not this year.  Since Vargas doesn’t even change divisions, his value stays pretty level, except Citizens Flank is a worse park than Metco, so there’s a slight tick down, if anything. How about this trading deadline so far?  Huh?  It’s almost as good as the Winter Hot Stove.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Snap, snap, claw, claw, save.  That’s The Save Vulture Dance.  Sing it like it’s The Electric Slide.  The save vulture is a scavenger bird.  They see weakness in others’ misfortune.  A closer goes down or struggles or gets traded and the save vulture swoops in and gnaws on the closer’s handcuff. Snap, snap, Reyes Moronta, Mark Melancon, Sam Dyson, Tony Watson, claw, claw, save.  Save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about. Snap, snap, Freddy Peralta, claw, claw, save. The save vulture’s claws are orange from Cheetos dust. Snap, snap, Joe Jimenez, claw, claw, save. Teams are trying to flip their closers for prospects at the trading deadline. Snap, snap, Yoan Lopez, Yoshihisa Hirano, Archie Bradley, claw, claw, save. If you can stash setup men right now, it’s advisable because over the next week closers are going to change rapidly. Snap, snap, Daniel Hudson, claw, claw, save. You may not be able to get to waivers to grab the closer replacement, so I’d forget bench bats until the trading deadline and hold some setup men in case your closers are traded. Snap, snap, Aaron Bummer, claw, claw, save. It’s especially important to make sure you have new closers coming in if you’re about to lose closers who will become setup men on contenders. Snap, snap, Seth Lugo, Robert Gsellman, Kyle Crick, Nick Anderson, Nick Wittgren, Craig Stammen, Chris Martin, Jose Leclerc, claw, claw, save. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Astros got two great starts this weekend from two guys who weren’t in the conversation until recently.  On Saturday, Jose Urquidy went 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.54.  He made my pants up-jump-the-boogie a little from his pitching.  I expect multiple roofies from him still, but Urquidy is […]

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We’re about halfway through the marathon folks. I hope for real that your teams are doing well. Wait, who am I kidding? You read Razzball. Of course your teams are doing well! This is the month we celebrate our independence from the evil French, from whom we captured many an airport in the early 1700s to win the war of 1812. When I reflect on my country, I usually do so in blissful ignorance of how things actually work while I drink beer and narrowly avoid catastrophic injury via fireworks. Is there any other way? Heading into July, here are the prospects I think have the best chance of promotion and an impact for redraft leagues.

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From the journal of Jim Morrison, he wrote about an encounter he had with lizard wearing a crown of thorns that he alternated calling, Jesus Luzardo and The Luzard King. Here, I wish to transcribe Jim’s musings, “Today, I rode with a large Native American man to a Wawa to get some beej ferky (sic). The Native American man told me about the many lives he had lived and how he never trusted rookie pitchers. He recounted a story about how he traded all his pitchers for Chris Paddack, due to a great April in 2019.  This was confusing to me, since this was 1970, but this wise Native American knew more in his head, which he covered in an Indians baseball club hat, than I’d ever know. Was this Lou Boudreau? Before we got to the Wawa, which was only three minutes away by automobile, so not sure why it was taking so long — were we lost? — the Native American man pulled over and picked up a pitchman for an insurance company which was an animated lizard.  This was The Luzard King. An obvious lizard, which made it weird when it kept saying it was a gecko.  The Luzard King said it had a shoulder issue early in the preseason of the 2019 season, which I had a premonition would be 38 years after my death. Also, oddly enough, I’m being fed a quote from the future from Prospect Mike about Jesus Luzardo.  He will say, ‘Luzardo’s stock just continues to rise. He’s in the rarified air of ‘best pitching prospects’ now. The lefty threw 109 innings across three leagues in 2018 and posted a 129/30 strikeout-to-walk ratio. Everything is plus or better – the heater, the curve, the change, the control. He’s the total package, like the package I filled with anthrax and sent to Grey.’ Who is this Grey he speaks of? Who is Prospect Mike? Was it the peyote talking or was it something more mysterious?”  And that’s me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike!  Don’t think Luzardo is going to be up before the All-Star Break, but now is the time to stash him. He could be a top arm in the 2nd half, or at least a solid Middler like early Yonny.  Call him Once Uponny.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

¡Hola!  Me llamo es Gris. ¡Bienvenido! Hoy en el SuperMercado Barridos tenemos una venta especial. The Bumblebee Man runs through screaming, “¡ESPECIAL!” ¡Gracias, Señor Miel! Ahora, cuando digo ir, tienes que correr por el SuperMercado y encontrar un bateador que te pueda dar poder y velocidad. “¡ESPECIAL!” Okay, Señor Miel, eso es suficiente.  “¡ESPECIAL!” Rápidamente se está volviendo claro por qué te vas a extinguir. “¡ESPECIAL” ¡Hayzeus Cristo, callate la boca, tienes tiempo sexy con tu madre! So, Oscar Mercado has 8 homers, 20 steals and a .305 average in 59 games, which is, ya know, your standard top 10 outfielder pace of 22/54/.300. You didn’t know he played that many games?  Well, because he didn’t.  I was combining his Triple-A and major league numbers, but, with how the ball is jumping out of stadiums, I think that’s fair. Don’t agree?  Don’t care.  Mercado is ESPECIAL!  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The Padres began this year by lifting their brown, monk robe they purchased from Macy’s in the Dan Brown collection and showed their first twig of the prospect tree they have cloaked underneath.  Luis Urias started the year with them, looked as good as the propsblock who’s in front of him, Ian Kinsler, which is to say not good, then didn’t play much and was sent down.  Was it too soon for him?  No, he had a ten-game slump and wasn’t given a opportunity.  Now, Luis Urias is killing minor league pitching (14 HRs, 6 SBs, .346/.439/.681 in 223 plate appearances), and the Padres said Urias will be up this week.  Hopefully, that means Kinsler is benched or DFA’d, because he’s like when you underestimate a fart and need to change your pants. Urias is a solid all-around bat, think .300 hitter, with some light power and speed.  He’s young though, which means he might need some patience, so remain calm.  For now, I will call him, Zen Bobrist.  I would grab him if you’re struggling at MI to see if he can catch fire and you can master Zen and the Art of MI Maintenance. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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The Donk and Don are back talking sausage and baseball again this week. Off the top they discuss the fresh signing of Craig Kimbrel with the Chubbies along with B_Don’s recent trade of Kimbrel for Noah Syndergaard in the RCL Perts League. How much risk is there with Kimbrel after missing the first 10 weeks of the season? The guys also discuss whether there’s reason for concern with Chris Paddack and Trevor Bauer moving forward.

In the profiles segment, DT breaks down rookie unknown Zach Plesac while B_Don takes a close look at Nicky Pee-pants Pivetta. There’s a lot to like about both of these youngsters, but one of them provides a decidedly higher floor; find out which!
The show is rounded out with some rapid fire pick ups for 10-12 team leagues as well as deeper formats, including Jay Bruce, Garrett Cooper, Ramon Laureano, Bryan Reynolds, Alex Reyes, Scott Kingery, Luis Urias, Jon Duplantier, Trevor Richards, Willy Adames and many more. This June sausage is extra plump, put some in your mouth and ears now!
Please, blog, may I have some more?