AL-Only, 12 Team Draft Recap: How Does He Do It So Magnificently? (I’m He)

I’m having this weird feeling. It’s not gas; I know what that feels like. It’s not anger that my neighbor planted a tree that smells like semen on my property line. It’s…I think…extreme happiness? I hate my AL-Only teams usually, but I kinda like this team. Oh, it has its flaws, we’ll get to those, but, is this. Dot dot dot. Bliss? I never love my AL-Only teams. Sometimes, I’m okay with them. Sometimes, I’m unhappy with them but pretend to be okay with them, like a sad clown with a painted-on smile. But “kinda like” an AL-Only team? Have I convinced myself of some nonsense? P to the erhaps. So, I drafted against Scott White at CBS, a bunch of Razzball guys and a lady (hey, Laura!), and a few ‘perts from other sites. Itch has actually won this league two years in a row, so I should be asking him if he likes my team. This league is deep so hold onto ye olde hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:

C: Max Stassi – $1
C: Logan O’Hoppe – $9
1B: Ryan O’Hearn – $8
2B: Andres Gimenez – $23
SS: Zachary Neto – $12
3B: Rafael Devers – $33
CI: Luis Urias – $1
MI: Luis Rengifo – $17
OF: Yordan Alvarez – $39
OF: MJ Melendez – $12
OF: Leody Taveras – $14
OF:  Kyle Isbel – $1
OF: Mark Canha – $1
UTIL: Matt Chapman – $6
Bench: Tommy Pham, Samad Taylor, Abraham Toro

P: Alex Lange – $14
P: Peter Fairbanks – $20
P: Joe Ryan – $25
P: Yusei Kikuchi – $7
P: Marcus Stroman – $7
P: Taj Bradley – $6
P: Dean Kremer – $1
P: Louie Varland – $1
P: JP Sears – $1
Bench: Anthony DeSclafani, Prelander Berroa, Brock Stewart, Liam Hendriks

YOU WANT TO GIVE ME YOUR WAR ROOM TOTALS SO LET’S JUST GET IT OUT OF THE WAY.

Thanks, Mr. Al Caps. Here’s what Rudy’s War Room says about my team:

One word about my War Room totals–

IF THERE WAS ONLY ONE WORD!

Okay, take it easy.

YOU TAKE IT EASY! UGH, SORRY, I HAD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE TODAY.

I drafted Varland, because I was worried I wouldn’t get him for free, and took DeSclafani in the free round, but I switched them for the War Room, because in April, at least, I imagine I’ll be starting Disco, and benching Varland. At least if what the Twins are saying stays true. Baldelli lie to me? How dare he!

YEAH, I’LL GIVE YOU THAT, YOU HANDSOME LUNATIC, YOUR HITTING IS STACKED LIKE PHONE BOOKS UNDER ALTUVE’S ASS WHILE HE’S DRIVING, EXCEPT THAT OUTFIELD IS SO HILARIOUSLY BAD.

It’s true, my bold screaming homey. I drafted a really nice offense, except for the outfield. At least Rudy’s values think so! One word, we drafted prior to Matt Chapman signing with the Giants, so I lose him completely. Hopefully Tommy Pham signs in the AL. Clearly, I have less steals than ideal, but that’s no problem. MLB has limited pickoffs so everyone’s going to be stealing. Yordan Alvarez just went from a one-point-three-seven steal guy to a two-steal guy! I am golden like R. Kelly showers. I even drafted all 123 pounds of Samad Taylor because I needed steals so bad. Hopefully, it’s windy in Seattle this year. Samad can just wear parachute pants and fly to 2nd base like he’s sponsored by Red Bull. When I was drafting, I was also writing this up, and, subconsciously, my outfield was so lacking that I wrote Yusei into one of my outfield slots to see if that made it look better. It did! As you see from my War Room totals, even without a fully realized outfield, or Utility, my hitting is on point.

YOU REALLY DO LIKE TO RAMBLE.

I’m just getting going! Since this league is AL-only, I use AL-Only rankings and I follow them pretty closely. If you really want a guy, go an extra dollar or two, which will likely be made up on the other end when you get a guy or two for cheaper than you have him listed. Usually I don’t go over $30 for any one player. For this draft, daddy was feeling footloose and fancy free!  Rafael Devers and Yordan Alvarez are two guys that I love, and I decided, what the hey, as Fonzie’s horse would say. This league is not shy about spending: Juan Soto $44, Aaron Judge $44, Julio Rodriguez $45, Kyle Tucker $43, Gerrit Cole $38, Corbin Burnes $37 and Vlad Jr. for $36, so Devers and Yordan were close to market value. I will say I was prolly out if anyone went one dollar more, but, alas, I was in! Gee dee effin’ eff, I was in!

WAIT A SECOND, YOU DIDN’T LIKE MARK CANHA. SAID YOU WEREN’T DRAFTING HIM. OH MY GOD, YOU SAID THE SAME FOR RYAN O’HEARN. DID YOU GET HORNY MID-DRAFT AND FORGET EVERYTHING YOU TOLD US. OR ARE YOU A…LIAR?! THE ‘LIAR’ ENDING WOULD’VE STUNG HARDER IF THE PRECEDING WASN’T ALL IN CAPS TOO.

This is AL-Only, and my top 500 is geared more towards 15-team or shallower mixed leagues, and even in the 2024 fantasy baseball rankings, I say repeatedly in deep leagues you have to draft at-bats. (You also need to draft innings.) I may not like all the guys I have, but in a league this deep you can’t have all your darlings. I will say I was happy to get my team. Well, besides Stassi, but a German police officer banged down my door and insisted.