Rarely does a fantasy season derive itself from an actual fantasy. An honest-to-goodness, real-life, sleepwalking-in-your-pj’s fantasy. A I-walked-in-on-Marisa-Tomei-and-she-was-like-come-join-me fantasy. Ronald Acuña Jr. aka Tildaddy comes home with Brillo pads you have to use your favorite shirt to clean the dishes aka The Truth is having a fantasy fantasy season. Can’t even remember the last time someone was a top fantasy player and seemed to be trying to accumulate stats. That is an absolute treat. Yesterday, he hit his 40th homer, and now his likely sole goal is to get to 40/40. Who wants to get stats for us, fantasy baseballers? No one usually! They’re all bastards! But Acuña does! He has 123 runs and 99 RBIs from predominantly the leadoff spot. I’m sorry, I’m going to kiss my computer screen where you reside. He’s averaging 418 feet per homer; Trout and Gallo ‘only’ averaged 419 feet. Speaking of Trout, Acuña or Trout for 2020? On the Player Rater, it’s clearly Tildaddy. At an ADP of 5 this year, he was a steal! If only I owned him in one league…*wavy lines starting a dream sequence* Hey, look, I have Acuña on all of my teams. *turns to mirror* Oh my God, I’m bald! Damn you, O. Henry! *wavy lines* I hate ironic dreams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Yusei Kikuchi to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
Cubs rookie Nico Hoerner hit his first career home run Friday night going 2-for-5 with 4 RBI. He started off the Chicago onslaught with a 2-run shot in the first inning and added a 2-run single in the fifth! He was a BUY and here’s what Grey had to say about him, “Hoerner is the Cubs’ top prospect, which is more of an indictment about the Cubs’ farm system. He doesn’t strike out, and possesses decent on-base skills, so maybe some short-term value.” And that’s me quoting Grey! If that’s not a high endorsement, I don’t know what kind of waiver adds you’re looking for in mid-September but Nico might be your best bet. Does he make you Hoerner, baby? Woah, sick reference, bro, how old even are you? Nico is slashing .350/.435/.600 through his first 20 at-bats with a home run and 8 RBI, he’s also still available in most leagues, which is important since I don’t know how many of you are even left reading this at this point in the year. Just my mom and my stalker, most likely (hi mom, hi Gordon!). My stalker Gordon’s wondering why I had to stop playing WoW Classic for 4 hours to do other fantasy things. I’ll be right back, Gordon, I swear, please don’t send my family death threats again! Nico could be worth an add for any team in need of some runs and average, especially if the Cubs plan on scoring 17 every game from here on out.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…
As you may or may not know, Fantasy Master Lothario traveled to the Big Apple this past week. What you definitely don’t know, is why the Champion of Razzball made the cross country trek to the city that never sleeps: Grandpa-Donk’s 92nd birthday festivities. That’s right, Grey Albright and Gramps-Donk are the closest of friends. Have you ever seen Grey and Sweaty Jimmy in the same room? Didn’t think so…
As Grey stepped forward to kiss the hoof and present the ageless-donk with a priceless phallic statue specially commissioned by this season’s Blown Away glass blowing contestant Annette Sheppard, Gramps leaned in and whispered the name “Kyle Gibson” into Sweaty Jimmy, I mean Grey’s ear. “The same Kyle Gibson who just gave up 4 runs and 10 hits in 5 1/3 innings against Detroit last week?”, Grey thought to himself. But he knew better than to question the most respected donkey in all the land.
It’s the time of season where everyone outside of the top 20-25 starting pitchers become expendable in shallower leagues. Gibson will be an ideal streaming target in those leagues as he again faces the Tigers in Detroit on Friday; Streamonator loves this match up just as much as the grand old donk. I wouldn’t be excited to start Gibson for his following three starts in Boston, at home against the Nationals, and in Cleveland, but they aren’t the worst match ups. Then his last two juicy match ups will come against the Royals and Tigers once again. Don’t doubt the death defying donkey’s advice, stream or stash Gibson for this final month.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Commissioner Rob Manfred was recently seen at a yard sale looking at the stitching on a crocheted dress when he remarked, “The stitching seems kinda loose.” From there, he picked up his grandkids and they asked if they could watch Lilo & Stitch and Manfred wrinkled his nose and said, “Stitch is a genetic experiment who escaped from an alien planet, which is a loose contrivance. Wouldn’t you like to see something with tight stitches? Like 12 homers in one game?” Later in his evening, Manfred tossed and turned in his bed, asking Womanfred, “I can count with my back all 500 threads in this linen. We need tighter stitching!” So, with Manfred on a quest for the tightest stitching possible, we also have more dongs than the Houston 500. First, Matt Adams went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 19th homer. Mean’s while, Ryan Zimmerman has a Chia pet growing on his foot. Next, Victor Robles (2-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 16th homer, hitting over .500 in the last week. This was only his third homer since the break, and hitting .260-ish in that time. Would’ve loved to see him get a legit shot at the two hole — hey now! — but he hasn’t truly earned it. Next next, Juan Soto (2-for-5) popped two tops of Sexy Dr. Pepper (27, 28) and he’s 20 years old. In 2020, he’ll be 21 and will be a 70-homer hitter by the time he’s 27. You can hold me to that, assuming you forget. Next next next, Brian Dozier (3-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 18th and 19th homers, and he doesn’t even start every game. Just your average 2019 part-time middle infidel who gets 25 homers. Next next next next, Anthony Rendon (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 27th homer and he’s three RBIs from 100. Feels like RBIs are down this year. Maybe because no one’s on base and everyone’s just hitting home runs. That reason feels galaxy brain-ish. Next next next next next, Adam Eaton (2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th. What’s Eaton eating? Tightly-wound baseballs. Just ask Womanfred, she’s sick of hearing it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Alex Wood looked solid as oak in his second start of the year since coming off the IL with back issues and pitched six and two thirds innings allowing just four hits and two earned runs while walking one and striking out five to notch his first win the year. Welcome back, Alex! Also, me. For those of you who follow my career closely (hi mom), I missed a few weeks there due to some mandatory volunteer work aboard the Sea Org. Turns out I’m starting the third level of my bridge in the church of Scientology and they recommended a full disconnect from fantasy baseball. But I’m back and stronger than ever before. My thetans have never been clearer and I’m pretty sure I can tell players to homer with my mind now. That’s right I told Mike Trout to do that. But back to Alex Wood! After an underwhelming debut versus Colorado last week (4.2, 7 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K), Wood returned looking like the pitcher the Reds have waited four months for with the 6.2 inning gem against his former team. Revenge game! Wood must have had an axe to grind. Outside of a couple solo homers surrendered, Alex limited the damage in a tough road assignment against one of the leagues best offensive teams. I’m buying Wood! It’s cherry, you guys! Is that enough wood puns for you, or wood you like more? Oak-key dokey, Alex gets the Cubs next week and I’d go out on a limb and pick up Wood if he’s still available!
Here’s what else I saw Friday night in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…
Grandpa-Donk: World traveler, meteorologist, woodworker, Señor Crappers spokesperson, and wise elder. One fact you may not know about Gramps is that his favorite movie is King Arthur. The old Donk and his friend Sweaty Jimmy have a thing not only for handling wood together, but also for the Knights of the Round Table. After a long day of working with each other’s sweat moistened wood, it’s not uncommon to see G-Donk and Jimmy together watching Sir Lancelot’s feats of courage while spooning ice cream into one another’s mouths like very normal heterosexual men.
Speaking of Sir Lancelot, have you noticed what Lance Lynn has been up to? If Lynn had pitched in that crazy London Series there’s a decent chance he would’ve been knighted. Fun fact: Granddaddy-Donk was knighted back in the 60’s; all it took to be knighted back then was some good smoke and semi-straight teeth.
As for Lynn, the 32 year old has compiled 14 consecutive starts of 6+ innings and he’s thrown 7+ innings in 9 of those outings. Since May 10th, Lynn has gone 8-2 with a 2.66 ERA, 1.03 WHIP, and 98 strikeouts in only 81 1/3 innings pitched. He hasn’t required Señor Crappers since that fart (which wasn’t just a fart) back on April 23rd.
Back in Week 12 I said, “The Lance Lynn brand has never been a best seller, but prior to last season Lynn had posted 3 straight seasons of 175+ IP with a sub-3.50 ERA. He’s added a half MPH to his average fastball velocity and he’s throwing a lot more sliders this year, leading to a career high K-rate through 86 innings. In 51 1/3 IP since May 1st, Lynn boasts a 3.63 ERA and 1.23 WHIP with 60 strike outs, and the FIP fairies are whispering that he’s actually been even better than that. Anyone care for a bowl of Lance Strasburg? Mmmmm salty beard!” I sound pretty smart, for a Donkey.
So, can we call it square for the whole Kikuchi debacle yet? Speaking of The Kooch, he’s been looking a little better of late. Watching him pitch no longer makes me want to slam my junk in a car door. I may have to see if the the ole Kooch Razzwagon will fire back up. Fair warning: The Koochwagon only has three tires and no steering wheel, but the acid spiked punch never runs out!Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the All-Star break happening this week, it’s time to reflect on the special times we’ve had together. We’ve been undoubtedly enabling one another’s fantasy baseball addiction and it’s a beautiful thing. We have to fight through this time together though and do our best to shake off these cravings. In order to get through this period, let’s discuss some of the bright spots we’ve had together and some of the things to look forward too.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Not your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers…
I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but Grandpa-Donk is what they call a “Donk of all trades”. At one point in his legendary life, the venerable jackass even tried his hoof as a weatherman. In fact, he was one of the first weatherdonks on television back in the ’50s.
When I was just a little donkus, no bigger than Trevor Bauer’s poodle, Gramps would gather all us youngins round and tell us about his days of Hollywood stardom. The weather forecasting tools back in his time were just as primitive as the are now, so he was frequently way off on his prognostications. But he always delivered his forecast with the classic family wit, mixing in his token skyarrhea toilet humor and even the occasional dong joke, which was very risque back in his day. Grandonkey would always finish his meteorology tales with one bit of sage advice, “Find an occupation where you can be wrong 90% of the time and people still come back for more”.
Writing the Top 100 Starting Pitchers post in 2019: the year of the juiciest of juiced balls, and baseballs, I imagine is exactly like being a weatherdonkey. Just other day, when The Kooch was getting lit up for the 17th consecutive outing, G-Donk called me up to tell me how proud he was that I had discovered my niche. Actually, he called to ask where he might find a fresh pair of Señor Crappers, but I could sense the pride in his voice.
The only thing we know about 2019 Starting Pitching is there’s going to be lots of rainy days with a few random sunny days mixed in, followed by a tornado which will destroy what’s left of your already fugly ratios. Your 2019 fantasy pitching staff is more or less going to be Seattle with a little bit of Kansas, but we’re all living there in rainy tornado alley with you; so quit your whining and grab an umbrella!
Speaking of umbrellas, Mike Minor has provided a pleasant refugee from the storms this season, and he’s only become sturdier as the summer monsoons set in, sporting a 1.70 ERA and 0.97 WHIP in 37 June innings. Unfortunately, there’s some large red regression fairies lurking here, the first of which is a massive and unsustainable 97.5% strand rate over this past month. Pair that with a lucky .200 June BABIP, and Donkey begins running for new shelter. I’d aggressively shop Minor if someone in your league thinks he’s actually a top 20 pitcher, but I wouldn’t sell him for a cup of Grey’s baby gravy. I’ll take a guy that might continue getting lucky over a cup of Grey goo any day.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Leonys Martin was designated for assignment. His assignment is to go back in time and impress 2016 Grey less, so he doesn’t write a sleeper post about him. On Saturday, Indians were saying Martin’s DFA’ing is more to do with Mercado getting a boost of confidence vs. Bobby Bradley getting promoted, and the Indians were lying. Bobby Bradley was called up on Sunday. Fun fact! After Bobby Brady lost a pie-eating contest, his father Mike told him to take the L like a man and disowned him, so he briefly went by Bobby Bradley. Bradley has 24 HRs in 67 games, hitting .292, but has some Ks, so the average could come down, but the power is not going anywhere since the majors are using a SuperBall. As Prospect Mike said yesterday in his Bobby Bradley fantasy, even with the balls stuck with Capri Sun straws, dripping juice, Bradley could still hit 20 homers the rest of the way and every fantasy team could use him. I tried to grab him in every league, but was too slow. Don’t worry, I just did two lines of coke to avoid that ever happening again, but now my nose is dripping with a secret formula of caramel flavoring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jordan Yamamoto (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00) is the 1st pitcher to begin a career with back-to-back outings of 7+ scoreless while allowing three or fewer hits in the modern era. The modern era meaning from 1908, not from 2017 until now when baseballs were filled with helium, which caused Party City stores to close nationwide. This is exactly what everyone expected when the Marlins called up an 89-MPH fastball that was flame-retardant. “How fast does he throw?” A scout recently said to another scout who was holding a speed gun. “I’ll tell you when the ball passes the plate.” The scout sticks chew in his mouth, scratches his sweaty armpit, then, finally, “89-ish? Maybe. I might’ve just been taking a reading of that bird that flew overhead.” This goes back to my recently prophesied conspiracy theory that I introduced the other day regarding Zack Greinke. When everyone is throwing fast, it actually keeps hitters off-balance to throw slow. The Slow Pitch Theorized Conspiracy for Hardball (SPITCH) is fully realized now that it has an acronym. If you’re willing to gamble a bit, I could see grabbing Yamamoto in any league to see if he can keep it going. This could also hurt Zac Gallen’s chances of a promotion, and I don’t know who gets bumped for Caleb Smith. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?