Mets Overrun By The Cavalliry

I’m only half Jewish — as Henry Hill would say, the good half — but I heard Cade Cavalli went 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.82, and I started Cade Kvelling. Who is this, do we know his mishpocha? Can we send them some macaroons? Are they allergic to coconut? Let me look him up, what a punim! Oy vey, and now I’m out of Yiddish words. In all seriousness, I saw his line and was about to say something negative about the Mets vs. something nice about Cade, but looked at his stats — 11.2 K/9, 4.3 BB/9, 3.81 xFIP — and I’ve seen worse! Let’s not completely ignore the Mets being awful. They are! But Cavalli had some heat on him prior to this year. This always happens. A guy is touted — I can’t wait until he’s called up! There’s so many em dashes I don’t even know if I’m using AI — then he’s called up, stumbles a little and forget about him! We don’t need him! He stinks! Maybe he doesn’t stink? (In my head, I still sound like Krusty the Clown’s father. RIP Jackie Mason. Now, he was a real Jew!) So, this is a long way of saying I’m still at a Streamonator for Cavalli in shallower mixed leagues, but he’s definitely opened my eyes — or eye for a monocle — and he’s only one great start away from being on shallow leagues’ radars. Then we’re mishpocha! Aren’t you hungry? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brady House – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .225. Housing a family of eight and a housekeeper and her horny boyfriend? What can’t this guy do!

Curtis Mead – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .226. Cur-Me’s able to do all this and deal with the very high maintenance Miss Piggy.

Luis Robert Jr. – Sounds headed to the IL, due to his back. Will be his first time on the IL–Being told no, that’s wrong.

David Peterson – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.53. They keep sending him out there like there’s no rules against that in the Geneva Conventions.

Juan Soto – 3-for-5 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. Wish Sexy Dr. Pepper would’ve hurt his forearm weeks ago!

Garrett Crochet – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Jake Bennett will be called up, but that’s a one-off thing and this Crochet injury gives Tolle more runway when Sonny returns. Was When Sonny Returns an artist’s song from Lilith Fair? Sounds vaguely familiar and Google stopped working in late-2023. No word when Crochet will return, but you don’t have him anyway because I told you not to draft him. You do have him? Oh, shucks, hmm, tough scene.

Brayan Bello – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 9.12. Red Sox GM Craig Breslow said this start from Bello was because of a chair that Alex Cora left behind that smelled of him. It has been removed.

Willson Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Am I forgetting someone or is Contreras the only bright spot from the Sawx this year? It doesn’t count that Fever Pitch is now available on Tubi.

Eloy Jimenez – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to become a test subject for doctors who want to try to understand ankle, quad, elbow, foot, pectoral, groin, adductor, heel, hamstring, and appendix injuries, and general soreness.

George Springer – 1-for-2, 1 RBIs as he was activated from the IL, and didn’t start (?). Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I have to go home to change my pants. I wanted to see if I sat on an egg out of the fridge if I could make a baby bird, and, yeah…I’ll be back in about an hour.”

Ernie Clement – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A forty twenty hitting the weight room putting up a fifty-one twelve. If you can follow what I’m saying here, bless your brain.

Brandon Valenzuela – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! When he was born in Mexico, the hospital was doing an exchange program with maternity nurses from Montana, who couldn’t speak Spanish and, when the parents named him in Spanish, the nurse shrugged and wrote his name down as Brandon.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in two games. A while back, when Boston Market’s stock price was at its nadir, a mere penny stock, I put a few thousand into it. It later went bankrupt and I lost everything. The lesson here is don’t buy stocks on an empty stomach. The other lesson is things should be better than their worse, and PCA bouncing back now doesn’t mean he’s fixed, it means he’s not the absolute worst. Or his mashed potatoes are delicious but no one wants mashed potatoes for lunch. Maybe that’s the lesson.

Matt Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .301. Still kinda floored that the Cubs couldn’t find a place for Shaw to play every day.

Hoby Milner – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.40. His save indicates the Cubs don’t currently have a closer, i.e., said a’la Obi-Wan Kenobi, “Hoby One Committee.”

Jameson Taillon – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.41. Everyone associated with WBC’s Team Italy has sucked, so Jameson is lucky his bid to get on there by saying “I, Taillon,” didn’t work.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .313. Damn, Yankees could’ve traded him for Ohtani and now the Padres are just reaping all of these benefits.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’m pretty sure the Greek God of Hard Contact couldn’t hit in the KBO right now, forget the majors.

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .200. I don’t buy much into batting average as the end-all indicator of a guy’s ability to hit leadoff, but Crawford hitting leadoff with a .200 average, and Cal Raleigh (0-for-3, 1 RBI) hitting 2nd with a .192 average, well, Rickey Henderson is speaking in third person in the afterlife, “Angel Rickey could be better than that right now.”

George Kirby – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. A few weeks ago, I said M’s have a bunch of pitchers who should be aces but acting as number fours, and someone said Woo had a great ERA. Woo now has a 3.86 ERA with something wrong with his pitches because they’re giving zero Ks. Kirby? Basically, the same, if a slightly better ERA. I don’t know what’s going on with Mariners’ starters but they’re looking very mediocre. Concerningly meh.

Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.85. Still looks good under the hood, but is inching towards Taj Mah-streamer vs. Taj Mah-ace.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.64 vs. Gavin Williams – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This matchup was billed as, “Okay, I didn’t need to draft top starters, but I did need to draft these guys, why didn’t you tell me that?”

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.76. I regret to inform you the box office is out of Eovaldi Buy Lows. No, sorry, but you can redeem your Chase DeLauter Sells for a Groupon to that massage parlor that was shut down by law enforcement.

Jacob Latz – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.08, and the save. The Skip Schumaker School of SAGNOF: Don’t name a closer, use one guy for two weeks in a way that everyone infers he’s your closer, then rinse and repeat in two weeks with a totally different guy.

Elmer Rodriguez – 4 IP, 2 ER, as he was called up. Just gave you my Elmer Rodriguez fantasy. Only thing that changed is the date.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Watched the Ken Burns Civil War docs, and I was inspired, so I got rid of all our pens, and replaced them with feather quills. They’re haphazardly propped up by this open window–NOOOOOO!!!  Torenado!!!”

Ketel Marte – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Adrian Del Castillo (1-for-5) hit his 2nd homer, and Corbin Carroll (2-for-5) hit his 4th homer. DBags exploded for…six runs? That’s a lot of solo homers. Save those for May the 4th. Nerd joke!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.03. His peripherals are as bad as you can imagine, and he has a barely 3.03 ERA and I’m over here looking for the latest news on Hunter Brown.

Tomoyuki Sugano – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84. He has a 4.02 home ERA. His road ERA is 1.69. Need two to tango, Sugano.

Hunter Goodman – 3-for-4, 4 runs, and his 8th and 9th homer, three homers in three games, and four homers in the last week. Just checked the Player Rater to see if Goodman was in the top three catchers and, no, catchers are really good again this year. There’s three catchers in the top 20 overall — two in the top 10!

Bubba Chandler – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.97. Was about to reiterate again how I don’t like Bubba yet because of his command, and I got as far as his near-5 ERA and how is anyone a fan? You a bunch of Bubba Fangirls? You a Bubba Standler? I got questions, y’all!

Spencer Horwitz – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. About to be more courageous than anyone in the history of the world and look on the Player Rater to see if Horwitz has been more valuable than Vlad Jr. Okay, no, he hasn’t! Whew!

Alec Burleson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Okay, checking again for Burleson…Damn, that was close. Too close!

Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Not saying I love him, but I almost guarantee Pallante is rostered in fewer fantasy leagues than Bubba.

Javier Baez – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. Ah, too bad–Where’s Max Clark?

Casey Mize – Hit the IL with an adductor strain. Casey Mize is a mollusk?!

Kenley Jansen – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.14, and his 3rd blown save. Mean’s while, Kyle Finnegan (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.61) is basically Mason Miller. A small part of me will take that Kenley hit — I have him — simply because he spoiled Tarik Skubal’s win (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70), that’s how insane my schadenfreude is. (Though, undercutting my schadenfreude is Reynaldo Lopez (2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.42) got the vulture win. Sonavabench!)

Riley Greene – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. This guy’s got the life of Riley! Literally.

JR Ritchie – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.92. I think JR’s gonna be gone once Strider returns on Sunday like before Patrick Duffy came out of the shower (I’m vaguely remembering a plotline for a show I didn’t watch from 45 years ago).

Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. 26 more to go! (I might have to adjust up my 35-homer projection here.)

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .317, and 2nd homer in two games. I’m a big fan. Because next to him everyone’s big! (We’re same size.)

Lawrence Butler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .187. It’s hard to look at the A’s and see anything, except Brent Rooker has, like, one hit all season. My preseason bold prediction was he’d by top three in the AL MVP. Ha, okay!

Luis Severino – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Royals’ offense is so bad they were able to quell Bing Bong Stadium and it’s Bing Bonginess.

Trevor Rogers – Hit the IL with…Trainer looking at Rogers, “He doesn’t really have anything wrong with him–” Front office, “Shut up! Shut up! Do you hear yourself?! Find something!” The trainer watches Trevor and he sneezes. He’s sick! IL him!

Esteury Ruiz – 2-for-4 and a slam (1) and legs (1). When Esteury sees a fastball, you know the river is gonna run through it! Tempted to call this the most random slam & legs of the year, because I didn’t even know Ruiz was in the majors, and I know for a fact he shouldn’t be.

Liam Hicks – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer, hitting .315. Liam Hicks’s prorated season–[Mr. Prorater crashes through wall] I just plastered that! “Sorry, Liam Hicks’s prorated season of 40/.300 might be the most shocking prorated statline of the early season. I’ll exit through the door.”

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.04. It could be confirmation bias (or some other psych 101 term), but there’s more 98 MPH fastballs out there getting an under 6 K/9 than I can remember since the woebegone days of pitchers in the 80’s who threw fast with the help of freebase and had no strikeouts.

Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 BBs, ERA at 4.91, and the save. Marlins suddenly have saves every day now that my beautiful boy, Fairbanks, is injured. Still think it’s Tyler Phillips’s job, but he was obviously used the night before and unavailable. Faucher (or others) could get saves though, clearly.

Yusei Kikuchi – Left the game with shoulder tightness. [sadly puts on Lisa Loeb] Yusei…Stay…

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Damn, only two more homers before his 1st IL stint. Ugh, they get injured so fast.

Erick Fedde – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Was thinking of Davis Martin, Noah Schultz and Sean Burke and thought, “I better look up the White Sox team pitching stats, I bet they’re secretly good!” Then I sorted by ERA — nope, not good there — then I sorted by starters’ ERA only — nope — then I searched by xFIP, then xERA, then K/9 and no, no, no! So, White Sox pitching is not sneaky good. Got it! Streamonator has Fedde getting whopped next time out too.

Everson Pereira – Hit the IL with a pectoral strain. The doctor checked his pectoral by telling him, “Breathe out…so I can breathe you in…” Everson sighed, “You’re singing Everlong, aren’t you?”

Jarred Kelenic – 0-for-1 as he was called up by the White Sox. He was hitting .202 in Triple-A, but he’s got his real estate license and ready to start working with Alex Kirilloff in the Fort Myers-area. It’s an up-and-coming real estate market, and, as long as there’s no tough lefties, Kelenic’s got you!