Elmer Rodriguez will be called up by the Yankees to start on Wednesday, as their rotation gets reshuffled, likely anticipating the return of Carlos Rodon. I believe the Yankees are doing the right thing calling up Elmer to offset the severe lack of Uncle Elmer in the Hogan doc on Netflix. Uncle Elmer drank raw eggs before it was cool! I watched that Hogan four-hour doc in like four hours and one minute, only breaking once to pee, and even then it was to stand at the couch and pee into a bottle, like Vince never made Hogan. What’s my entire shizz? That doc. I was at the first WrestleMania *cough* old *cough*, and I’m ready for four more hours of Hulk from the cutting room floor of him singing karaoke in Clearwater with The Mouth of the South. I know the footage is out there, let’s see it! Any hoo! In his top 75 fantasy baseball prospects, Itch said, “Elmer Rodriguez came over from Boston in the Carlos Narvaez trade over the winter and steadily pitched his way through High-A and Double-A, culminating in a five-inning Triple-A start to close out the season. In 150 innings across the three levels, he recorded a 2.58 ERA and 1.07 WHIP with 176 strikeouts. Pretty comfortable Top 100 prospect at this point on the strength of a high-90’s heater and well-rounded pitch mix he can command. Imagine him throwing one of those heaters at Grey’s head.” Excuse me? In Triple-A this year, the numbers are a little flat — 8.4 K/9, 3 BB/9 — comes with a 1.27 ERA but deflated BABIP. So, as hinted out in the opening of this blurb, Rodon returns and Elmer gets scuttled back to the minors, or that happens when Cole returns. Seems fine to try Elmer, but he’s basically a Streamonator call until Yanks commit to him and we see how he looks. Like how Hacksaw Jim Duggan (bedraggled) looked or like Ted Dibiase looked (good). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .262. Judge, jury and executioner of baseballs.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.01 vs. Cam Schlittler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8Ks, ERA at 1.51. I mostly talk about the guys of mine who are doing poorly, because who wants to hear me say how great I’m doing with a guy, but I have deGrom and Schlittler in a few leagues and–You are not getting me to jinx myself! No way!
Justin Steele – Shut down after a setback. Good time to point out Schwellenbach, Pepiot, Cole, or whomever could return or not. These are merely lottery picks.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .241. Sell!
Edward Cabrera – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Seriously sell!
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-3, 2 runs with a slam (5) and legs (3), hitting .286. Okay, I won’t say it again, but Bogaerts gets hot for one month a season each year, and he just got it out of the way early.
Jackson Holliday – Remains without a timetable. Are they trying to put his hamate bone back in?
Shane Baz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Trust me, I’m eying Baz’s stats to see if there’s anything encouraging, and I’m not seeing it. Streamonator loved this start, and hates his next, and I think that’s all it was.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer (and maybe 4th hit on the year), hitting .198. Albombso!
Kai-Wei Teng – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.75 in his 1st start. Went over him yesterday. Give it a little finger scroll and go check it out.
Didier Fuentes – 2 IP, 0 ER, 1 K, ERA at 5.00, as he returned from the IL…Yay!…to work out of the bullpen….lowercase yay. Wouldn’t bother with Fuentes in most mixed leagues. Oh, and Strider’s returning this weekend, so enjoy that Strider owners.
Martin Perez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.22. I know he’s not actually this good, but it’s a little bit crackers to think the Braves are going to remove a guy with a barely 2 ERA for Strider. JR Ritchie better pitch well, or he could be gone.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .316. I’m glad Ozzie is bouncing back this year. Usually guys his size only bounce back in a bouncy castle. Snap! (He’s the same height as me.)
Casey Mize – Left the game with a trainer. Aw, that’s sweet, were they catching up? Oh, they left because Mize had groin tightness. Hey now!
Javier Baez – Left the game on a cart after sliding into first base. Looked gruesome. Don’t look up the clip just drop a prayer hands emoji in your heart.
Colson Montgomery – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .236. When I said they made the entire White Sox team out of a bunch of Adam Dunns, no truer words have been spoken. Put, “They made the entire White Sox team out of a bunch of Adam Dunns” in the Bible. It’s the gospel! The Pope will bless it.
Drew Romo – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Romo who? The old Cowboys’ QB?
Davis Martin – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.95. Thinking about a team where I drafted Martin, Jose Soriano, Clay Holmes and no one else, then streamed and can you take my Logan Gilbert and Hunter Brown back please?
Jose Soriano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.84. Wow, he got rocked!
Josh Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .192. Hate to tell Lowe, but if he can’t succeed on the Angels, the next team to want his services will be in the KBO.
Trey Yesavage – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I figured out why I keep coming in at weird hours, I thought Daylight Savings was every weekend.”
Payton Tolle – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.38. He’ll be better, but it is funny to me how people just spent, like, 20% of their FAAB budget for that.
Travis Bazzana – 0-for-2 as he was called up. Gave you my Travis Bazzana fantasy yesterday. I wrote it while shaking my shizz to Megan Thee Stallion.
Junior Caminero – Left the game after taking a foul tip off his chin. He’d never make it on OnlyFans.
Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.70. [looks at Nick Martinez’s 1.70 ERA, looks back at my Kyle Bradish ERA, opens the book, The Bell Jar, and sticks head into oven] Streamonator even likes Nick-Mart’s next one, so, yeah, what the heck, Nick.
Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Where that pitch was thrown was a NoGo! Booya! No booya? Okay.
Victor Scott II – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Very cute, they let him bat from 2nd base.
Kyle Leahy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.52. That’s not film on his teeth, he escaped by the skin of them.
Braxton Ashcraft – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71. An unplanned visit from the Regression Fairies. RSVP next time!
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .265. Sure, but did he hit it off the top of a foul pole? Hmm.
Konnor Griffin – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .226. Did he turn 40 already? Wow, they grow up fast.
Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .323. Don’t do the math in your head how much better off you’d be than countless other 1st baseman. It’ll only hurt you. Math that hurts sucks. It’s why I don’t balance my checkbook.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5 and a slam (7) and legs (1), 2nd homer in two games, and see ya next Monday and Tuesday. Hope someone is making money off the fact that he’s homered the game after he’s homered all season long.
Joe Ryan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Was thinking of saying something like, “Finally, he pitched well,” but his season ERA is okay, I guess. Should be better, could be worse, I suppose.
Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Fine. Okay. Sure. But I want a 10+ strikeout game! I want lights out, as in it’s time someone went to sleep, and that someone is the opposing hitters! Ryan and Gilbert are Boring City, population: Them.
Josh Naylor – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .220. If the comments about Naylor are any indication, buy low!
Pete Fairbanks – Hit the IL with nerve irritation. Medically that’s described as what noive! after the Stooge who discovered it. I decided to go with Tyler Phillips (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.47) who got the first post-Fairbanks save, but it could be Calvin Faucher or Anthony Bender or anyone in the pen.
Janson Junk – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00 vs. Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.60. For one night, Junk was better than Ohtani. In some hoosgow somewhere, Ippei is smiling.
Jonathan India – Underwent season-ending labral repair surgery. Or to put it in India terms, his season is naan more.
Vinnie Pasquantino – Exited the game with lower back tightness. Too bad his hitting isn’t giving me lower front tightness.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. He has two more runs than Bobby Witt Jr.!
Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (10). [trying to be positive] Good. Maybe do that for another three straight weeks.
Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.74 vs. Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.23. This matchup as billed as, “SacTown Presents: Boob-Itch vs. the A’s keeping it Civale, a Brazzers Production.”
Tyler Soderstrom – Left the game after diving for a catch. Great, that’s exactly why I drafted him. To dive for a fly ball. Woohoo, defensive WAR!
Max Muncy – Hit the IL with a broken finger. Whoa, whoa, easy there, it’s the other Max Muncy. Wait, you wanted it to be the other Max Muncy? Hmm, can’t help you there then. It’s the Max Muncy you didn’t want it to be. Something I found out the other day that floored me, Ma’s Muncy (the injured one) and Max Muncy on the Dodgers? They were both drafted by the A’s and both born on August 25, but exactly 12 years apart. What kind of sorcery is that?
Chad Patrick – 5 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 5 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.57. If one of my starters gave up five walks, he would’ve also gave up 7 ER and been out after two innings. I’m merely pointing things out!
Sal Frelick – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .217. Brewers scored a bunch of runs and the star was Sal Frelick, which feels very Brewers-coded. They are the team of the unsung hero.
Merrill Kelly – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.20. Nice of him to do extended Spring Training vs. MLB teams.
Zach Littell – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.85. Studio audience, “How bad is he?” He’s so bad he made the Mets look good.
Clay Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. ACKSUALLY, Mets’ pitching really hasn’t been that bad.
Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer as he deals with forearm tightness so he’s DH’ing. I would draft Soto during his year adrift in the Mets’ malaise.
Bo Bichette – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Boba Chette is an actual villain, isn’t he?
Kodai Senga – Hit the Ineffective List with a made-up injury and Christian Scott was recalled. That recalling went, “Who was that guy who just pitched terribly for us? Scott something? Two first names, I think. Scott Frank? Get Shorty? Who are you calling short? You better find Jesus! No, I’m not a Christian–That’s it! Christian Scott!”
Luis Robert Jr. – Sidelined with back tightness, according to the soon-to-be-former manager, Carlos Mendoza.
Edouard Julien – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .308, as he leads off every game for the Rockies (except vs. tough lefties). Julien’s been a bright spot in the Rockies’ lineup. Wait until next year when he’s dogshizz like Nolan Jones, Brenton Doyle, Jordan Beck, do I have to go on?
Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (10) and double legs (7, 8), hitting .291. Roughly on a pace for–Oh snap! I just realized Jazz was predicting a 50/50 season for E!
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .217, 2nd homer in a week, and 1st hit since Friday and I was positive and now I’m Spencer Steer’ing negative.
Hunter Greene – Throwing from 110 feet. So, he’s gonna return pitching from 2nd base? Interesting.
Trea Turner – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and 1st four-hit game of the season. That’s nice, did the Phils fans cheer him during introductions?
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.50. Whatever the next start is bet the over on the score and the under on everything Luzardo, because he just roped in everyone. By the way, Phils’ manager Rob Thomson was fired yesterday, and Carlos Mendoza is sending all calls straight to voicemail. Replacing Thomson in the interim will be Don Mattingly. Mattingly is going on something like 50 years in baseball without a World Series win, and has one of the great heads of lettuce in the history of baseball, but has been cursed ever since Mr. Burns chewed him out for his facial hair.
