Tra-vis is Bazzanas

Fun to still get shocked. To get a little jolt so you still feel alive. A poke to the ribs, reminding you that you don’t know anything like, ‘Where the hell is one’s oblique?’ Stop poking me in the ribs! I’m asking you to locate my obliques! So, today’s shock heard while I was driving my 14-foot Lincoln Continental was, “Travis Bazzana is being called up by the Guardians?!” Then I pulled to the side of the road (safe driver) and checked to see if he was picked up yet in my RCL. He was by Truss, so then I cursed for ten minutes and tried to see if I had commissioner powers to reverse him onto my team (bad sport). I might have those powers, but I can’t figure it out (big dummy)! Let’s see what Itch said, “He’s only played 13 MLB games, but 2B Juan Brito has not adapted to major league pitching, slashing .159/.229/.227 with a 31.3 percent strikeout rate. He’s actually been a little worse than that considering he picked up four of his seven hits in his first two games. Most teams would probably give the kid more time to find his footing, but in this case, Brito’s reps come for a first-place team at the cost of plate appearances for a recent number one overall pick who is tearing it up in Triple-A. In 23 games, Bazzana has a .297/.429/.527 slash line with two homers, eight steals and almost as many walks (20) as strikeouts (22). He’s been even better over the last two weeks, slashing .409/.552/.750. Both homers were hit this week. I can’t think of a good reason why Bazzana is in the minor leagues today. Or one reason why I can’t punch Grey.” C’mon, man! He was Itch’s number one prospect to stash this past Sunday, and I wish I listened. Imma about to stash his other guys. Can’t believe I missed on Travis Bazzana, who is a pickup in all leagues. I should’ve known, there’s always money in the Bazzana stand! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Daniel Schneemann – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in the last three games. Sch’s been, man, on a bit of a scorcher recently. Looking at the 7-Day Player Rater and–[seeing he’s been ice cold the last week]–Well, before the last week, he was hot.

Chase DeLauter – 2-for-4, hitting .245. Member when he was the greatest hitter in baseball history? We fell for that one pretty good.

Parker Messick – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.73. Not saying he looks 1.73 ERA good, because who does? Bob Gibson? Pedro? Me vs. my 7-year-old cousins who just wanted to play with their karaoke machine? Sure, okay, yes, but Messick looks phenomenal. One of his hits was off a broken-bat squib to Hoskins and that might’ve been the hardest hit ball of the night vs. him. Making Messick I don’t have him in more leagues!

Jonathan Aranda – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .228. Aranda’s not blowing the world away but I see his stats through a month and, boy, am I wishing Busch, Alonso or Vinnie P. were anywhere close to that production.

Steven Matz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Exact opposite as to Messick. I wouldn’t even Streamonator Matz. On a side note, the home plate ump must’ve missed 40 calls. Just zero clue on the zone. They were challenging so much it was almost like the ump was getting in his own head not knowing what to call. The ump needed a mound visit. Also, I was thinking about how, ya know, baseball players like to chew gum, right? What if the catcher can’t do that and tap his head at the same time?

Anthony Volpe – Will return sometime between Wednesday and Thursday. Ah, yes, the magical day between the two, Wersday.

Ben Rice – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Rice-a-HRoni!

Aaron Judge – 3-for-3 and his 11th homer. Threw the smallest modicum of shade towards Judge yesterday, and he said, “I am six-seven, don’t make me step on you.”

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer since I said to Sell him. Can’t spell sell-o without el oh el. I still think he’s a sell, but, as I own him everywhere, I’m not complaining about the homers.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.09. No one is better than my [covers mouth so you can’t hear the number]-year-long crush, Max Fried.

Jasson Dominguez – 1-for-4, as he was called up. Giancarlo hit the IL, which means Dominguez can fill-in for him for at least two weeks. So, ya know, run to first in just under 47 seconds, and hit 120 MPH line drives. Or not. His call. I did pick up Dominguez in a 12-teamer, and would advise you do the same.

Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.17. He’s got himself an old school Pivetta season going here. Should be better, and holding “should” in one hand and crap in the other, and the only hand that has anything is crap because there’s no such thing as holding “should.” His peripherals are still pretty, but I’m willing to fold on the promise in shallower leagues.

Christopher Morel – Activated from the IL. Heriberto Hernandez was sent down so there’s mushroom for Morel.

Liam Hicks – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .311. The catcher punt still works, just who you punt it to. Whom?

Pete Fairbanks – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 10.00, and left the game grabbing at the air like he was having nerve issues, because it’s a CLOSERPOCALYPSE!!! Don’t cha know? Like he was grabbing at the air, I grabbed Calvin Faucher, who set him up yesterday, and Tyler Phillips, who has been the best arm in the Marlins’ pen, but got the loss yesterday (in an impossible spot). That order, I’d guess, but it’s likely not clearcut if Fairbanks is out.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.87. My schmohawk post in the preseason of Yamamoto doesn’t look great so far, but there’s time still for him to suck! Reassuring, I know.

Austin Slater – Signed with the Mets. They also claimed Eric Wagaman off waivers. Welp, they’re fixed. The Mets are fixed! Don’t send reinforcements! They don’t need them! They have a guy DFA’d by the Twins and one guy DFA’d by the Marlins. Like my dog, Ted, they’ve been fixed!

Wilber Dotel – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35. Pirates had a perfect game through six innings, and there wasn’t one single pitcher to talk about. Do you see what you did to our beautiful game, Kevin Cash?! You and the stupid Opener! How about you find a closer for your big mouth!

Dennis Santana – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.29, and a pretty miserable blown save since the Pirates were walking away with this game using some of the jankiest of pitchers. Y’all ain’t janky enough, Dennis! Gregory Soto might just be janky enough. Ya been forewarned!

Dustin May – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.28. Was it Pitch Your Terrible Pitchers But Have Them Be Great Day in the majors?

Pedro Pages – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. In one league, my catcher O’Hoppe went down, so I grabbed Pages like a librarian! And who’s a nerd now?! Reading is fundamental, beeyatch!

JJ Wetherholt – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .238. I mentioned how Konnor wasn’t doing as well as JJ a few weeks ago and someone commented how dumb I was, but, yeah, I don’t know where that person went. I’m sure they’re waiting in the wings for me to say the most marginally questionable take, and pounce. This is not to say Konnor won’t get better than he’s been. I was merely saying how it’s interesting how guys develop at different rates. Nuance, try it on for size.

Matthew Boyd – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.00. Coasted through Tatis and got hit by Ty France. The freakin’ French! Begging for my starters to just be normal so I don’t need a team of cardiologists at Cedar’s.

Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. He doesn’t stay healthy, but I will say (ya) he’s great when he is healthy.

Moises Ballesteros – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, a grand slam, 2nd homer in two games, and not the Cubs’ 2nd game in two games, which is the problem with him.

Randy Vasquez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.94. His peripherals still say rosterable number three to four; sadly, he was never a number one.

Mason Miller – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.26. Boy, he stinks!

Jack Kochanowicz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Jack Gotchanosewitz has some of the worst underlying numbers you’re gonna find. So, you can try him, but he will burn you at some point.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .232. I will try to forgive him for ruining my Reynaldo Lopez, but it will take some time.

Munetaka Murakami – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .243. Hitting balls to the Moontaka!

Miguel Vargas – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .208, 2nd homer in a week, and 4th homer in about ten days, i.e., he was a hot schmotato, and might be again.

Luis Castillo – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.35. On one hand, I’m glad I benched him in the leagues where I still have him. On the other hand, why do I have a guy I can’t start anywhere? On a third hand that is Hamburger Helper, can’t see holding Castillo in any leagues shallower than 15-team mixed.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, 4th homer in a week. The Bum’s back! (Complementary.)

Kody Clemens – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Real question: If he wasn’t Roger’s son, would he even be in the major leagues? Is he the only nepo baby baseball player currently playing? Somewhere, Griffin Conine is glad he’s not currently playing, and on the IL.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Is it me or does he homer every beginning of a week (Monday through Wednesday)? Buxton, try to play on a weekend, would ya?

Connor Prielipp – 5 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Final line doesn’t do his night complete justice. He was cruising for the better part of the game, until some late traffic hurt him. His slider looked remarkable, and lacked a decent amount of command on his change. Can’t really justify it in shallower leagues, but in 15-team mixed and Streamonator.

Kai-Wei Teng – Astros announced he will be stretched out as a starter, and will get his first start this week. Today, actually. Kai-Wei Teng is usually how I get to the beach. Ya know, highway 10. Okay, it’s freeway, but works better for the joke. Sue me for the spare change I have in my monkey-made-of-coconuts bank, you louse! Wow, I got mad at a hypothetical person. So, Teng’s stats don’t inspire much confidence outside of AL-Only. If he’s fixed his command (5+ BB/9 last year) and holds some of those Ks (11.8 K/9), maybe, but nothing but a monocle for now.

Ranger Suarez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Some days are diamonds, some days are rocks, some doors are open, some pitchers are locked in a two-start week and I’m starting them mostly because of that and praying. Hot George! Ranger Suarez answered my prayers and I’m so glad he had a two-start week, otherwise I likely would’ve benched him. I’m living right! Also, I’d like to illustrate how early it is still in the season, because he was anything but Smoke McBaloney coming into this start. He was near droppable in some leagues if he didn’t pitch well last night. He was sitting on 6.3 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 4.00 ERA entering action, and, wow, he might’ve actually been droppable already, but back to the earlier point. He’s now sitting one decent start away from exactly where he is every year — 7/5 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, and 3.09 ERA. If you drafted him, and expected more, you shouldn’t have. That’s who he is, and there’s absolutely a place for it. Thankfully, we held on. The waiting is the hardest part…

Carlos Narvaez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and has a hit in every game dating back to 4/14! Sounds more impressive when you don’t realize that’s 7-for-20 and he’s only played in six games in that time. More like Caveats Narvaez. Carlos Naveats? Narlos Caveats? Meh, you know what I’m saying!

Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.87. This was vs. the Red Sox and Trevor Story. Saw the matchup of Cease-Story and thought, whatever happened to VH1’s Storytellers? I wanna know what Cardi B was thinking when she penned WAP.

Max Scherzer – Hit the IL due to his forearm/ankle. See, there’s his problem, he’s got an ankle where his wrist should be.