Please see our player page for Jameson Taillon to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Yacht Rock has polluted my brain. I’m singing Bertie Higgins, dressed like Thurston Howell, III, and wearing deodorant that smells like Pina Colada. And the most frightening aspect of the previous sentence is only one of those statements is make-believe!  Cougs figured since I like blended, virgin pineapple drinks it would be a good idea to buy me Pina Colada-scented Suave deodorant. I walk around all day wanting to lick my armpits! I’m damaged! Even more upsetting, I don’t own Xander Bogaerts (3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, hitting .308) or Rafael Devers (2-for-4, 2 runs, 25th homer, hitting .327) in any meaningful way. (I own Bogaerts in one league, but it’s my worst league, so it doesn’t matter.)  I briefly mentioned this yesterday, but last year Betts and Martinez put fantasy owners on their backs (no easy feat for some of you), and this year it’s been all Bogaerts and Devers. On our Player Rater, both guys are top ten for the season (Acuña reached the mountaintop, by the by). Incredibly, neither guy has been lucky. Bogaerts upped his walks; has a BABIP in line with career norms; held all batted ball profile marks from previous years, except raised his launch angle and fly ball rate just a tad. Bingo-bango-Bogaerts! Devers’s numbers are new from him at the major league level, but nothing jumps out as a career year and he’s only 22 years old.  Both guys will and should be highly ranked next year. Now, excuse me, while I go lick my armpits. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Zack Wheeler went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45.  Can you please be “2nd Half Wheeler?” Can you be anything but “1st Half Wheeler?” Who do I have to pay for that to happen? Because I made $1.67 from yesterday’s ads and I am willing to give a percentage of that to ensure Wheeler is right for another two months. It’s all I ask and I one day have to say, “Damn, I can’t believe I crashed my 1st yacht into my 2nd yacht. Stupid yacht problems!” Okay, now to go on a rant you never asked for, but I have some legitimate first world problems that need addressing:  the Starbucks menu is too complicated.  What is all this crap and no Unicorn Frappuchino?! Dubya tee eff!  Oh and Netflix has a 15-second rewind but no 15-second fast forward? Are you people stupid?! Also, Amazon Prime two-day shipping begins when the seller ships your item but not when you order? Is this a joke?  Seriously? Do I look like a chump to you!  Any hoo!  Wheeler was phenomenal last 2nd half, and I keep saying I was buying him for his 2nd half. All his peripherals point to him being much better: 9.9 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 3.64 FIP, velocity up to 97 MPH on average. Drop the R from boring, because that’s BOING! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Shane Bieber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Donkey Teeth and I made a trade the other day. My first trade of the year. I sent him Kenley Jansen for Shane Bieber. I discuss it on this week’s podcast. I receive Shane Bieber in this trade…TOMORROW! I don’t even want him now! He’s tainted with Donkey Teeth juice. That one-hitter is supposed to be mine! Mine, I say! Only thing worse would’ve been he threw a one-hitter and broke his hand high-fiving Bauer. Ugh, why couldn’t Donkey Teeth offer the trade the day before so I had Bieber on my team? I want him. Me! Me! Me! *Idris Elba opens an envelope* “…and Best Dramatic Retelling of a Fantasy Baseball Trade goes to…Some guy in his mom’s basement you never heard of.” Damn, I lost that too!  Donkey Teeth offered me Rhys Hoskins, Madison Bumgarner or Bieber and I jumped at the lattest (totally a word), because Bieber’s peripherals are gorge — 11.2 K/9, 2 BB/9, 3.19 xFIP. Bieber was a preseason sleeper of mine, and he is essentially a top ten pitcher. So, put that in your natch and natch it!  Too bad I own him in one less league as of yesterday.  Me!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If it wasn’t bad enough that 11 of the top 30 starting pitchers drafted this year have an ERA over 4.00, now we’ve got an all-SP Ambulance Chasers. In the last two issues of Ambulance Chasers there were an additional 7 injured SPs for another grand total of 11. Hold your starting pitchers close — tell them you love them — you never know when they’ll be the next to go…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

On April 7th, Derek Dietrich admired his 3rd home run of the season for an ungodly amount of time.  The last straw for the opposing team was when he paused before running to first, placed a Craigslist ad, waited five days for a sketch artist to respond, then had the sketch artist draw him rounding the bases.  Then when he got to third and saw the first draft of the drawing, yelled, “No freakin’ charcoal,” and paused for another few days to find someone who worked in pen.  After that display, everyone was calling Dereck Dietrich a hot dog, even the world’s leading critic of hot dogs, the guy driving the Weinermobile.  Of course, none of this was blown out of proportion like Tim Anderson.  Cut to weeks later and we’ve realized why Dietrich wanted to study his home run trot.  He was perfecting it.  On Friday, he hit his 6th and 7th homers, then his 8th homer on Saturday and his 9th homer on Sunday (1-for-3, hitting .257).  I doubt it continues, but I also can’t imagine a reason to not ride the hot schmotato while it’s going on.  As 50 Cent’s fantasy baseball team is named:  Get Dietrich or Dietrich Tryin’.   Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Since the Jays were calling up Vladimir Guerrero Jr. today, the Nationals and Angels thought it was a good idea to drop their own sizzle in low-key fashion like wearing an Elmo doll at the Met Gala.  If Carter Kieboom is Barbara Hershey to Vladimir Guerrero Jr.’s Bette Midler, then who is Luis Rengifo?  That jerk husband of Barbara Hershey’s who held her back all of those years?  Bette’s giant Marmaduke?  Is it embarrassing that I know Beaches by heart?  Not at all!  According to Prospect Mike, Carter Kieboom’s outlook is, “Kieboom is a plus-hit/plus-power shortstop who split time between High-A and Double-A in 2018. His numbers dipped in the more advanced league, but he still hit .260 with five homers.  15-20 homers is a realistic power ceiling and he won’t sell out for it, meaning a decent average as well.  I’ve also become a decent dart-thrower practicing on a picture of Grey.”  What the eff, my dude?  Carter doesn’t have great speed, which is a bit of a bummer since that always translates, but he could hit for power and average as a middle infidel.  Hopefully, this means the end of days for Brian Dozier.  Remember, this is the team that promoted and played Juan Soto last year.  Mean’s while, the Angels called up Luis Rengifo.  Doesn’t his last name look like an acronym of an obscenity on social media?  “You really think Killary would’ve been better?  RENGIFO, grandma!”  The biggest question for me with Rengifo is Brad Assmunch.  Does he even know what he has?  I highly doubt it.  Watch him play La Stella over Rengifo.  Here’s what Prospect Mike said, “Rengifo can hit from both sides and he can basically play anywhere on the field. There’s also just enough power to make him really interesting if he sticks in the middle infield. He’ll probably get written off as a super-utility player, but he has a disciplined approach (75 walks, 75 strikeouts across three levels). Oh, and he swiped 41 bags this year to go along with seven homers and a .299 batting average. I know you’re not supposed to scout stat lines…but damn, that’s almost as sexy as the thought of Grey being run over by a car.”  C’mon!  Rengifo and Kieboom’s projections are both at the Prospectonator.  They’re, hmm, how do I put this?  Interesting.  Surprised to see Rengifo ranked above Kieboom for projections.  Think I’d go the other way with them, but they are slightly different, based on needs.  I do know I needs me some upside and added them in multiple leagues.  ALL ABOARD THE UPSIDE TRAIN!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Chugga-chugga Shin-Soo Choo!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The only reason Junis has the lede is because his name enabled the title. His points per start is piss poor at 10.25 points and it seems he must have eaten some stale matzah before Friday night’s start in New York because it was terrible. Here are my four questions. Why is this night different from all nights? It’s not. Jakob’s performance really put a damper on seders throughout the fantasy community. However… I am still a believer. In Junis that is. After all it has only been four starts. My preseason estimations had him at about 13 and change points per start, but I was/am optimistic that he’d outperform those numbers. I still think he gets there, but he has some work to do. In 22 innings he does have 24 strikeout. So there’s that. Like I said, it’s only been four starts. Look at Jameson Taillon, he’s averaging 8.75 points per start. Anyone ready to throw in the towel on him yet? I do realize that we are talking about pitchers of differing pedigree, but the point is four starts a season does not make. Instead of Junis, let’s take a look at a few starting pitchers that are off to an excellent start (pun intended).

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As Ice Cube sang on the now-iconic song, It Was An Away Game, “Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God.  Today, German was away, carrying my whole squad.”  Then later on, he sings, “I felt ill after that big fat DeSclafani, pitching like he just pulled out of bed in jammies, but German killed those baserunners like every role by Allison Janney.  And my teams run deep so deep so deep I’d put your ass to sleep talking about how on one team Alex Cobb’s my number one, but I didn’t hesitate to call German Marquez my top gun.”  Imagine you were a Rockies fan who only watched home games, the team’s contract with German Marquez (9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.00) would be tré confusing.  After 100 pitches, he is so low effort throwing 97 MPH in the 9th inning, and occasionally drops in an off-the-table curve that is freaking brothers every way like M.J.  I can’t believe today German’s game was away.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Daniel Vogelbach (1-for-2, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and fifth in his last five games, hitting .471) is man-hot.  Daniel Vogelbach is the Jelly Donut of Swat.  Daniel Vogelbach looks like a beer keg with legs.  John Kruk and Matt Stairs had a baby, and that baby’s name is Daniel Vogelbach.  Daniel Vogelbach is one part mayonnaise, one part ketchup, and his secret sauce is Sexy, and he puts it on everything.  “Why, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), did Daniel Vogelbach spend 12 years in the minors if he’s spurting Sexy sauce on everything?”  You ask, while batting your eyelashes.  You have to subtract one of those years, young buck, because Daniel Vogelbach was once confused for a refrigerator and spent a summer in a Hyannis Port Sears showroom.  Mansplainingly, subtract, like, ten of those years because he couldn’t play defense and he was in the NL.  He’s done nothing but hit rockets like he’s groupies of Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy.  Last year, he hit 20 HRs and .290 in Triple-A with a 15.6% strikeout rate.  He could be an actual breakout and I would grab him, even if his playing time might become cramped with the return of Kyle Seager or he might just be platooned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

There was a time when I thought Freddy Peralta (8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 11 Ks) was merely a starter.  A guy who took the ball every fifth day, stared in at the catcher, shook off a sign or two and scratched his balls.  Not like a Gaylord.  Perry, not, um, yeah, Perry.  Yesterday, we (me) gained a newfound appreciation for FP Saintdamnvelo.  His command was gorge, and I’m engorged.  In fact, I’m not typing this with my fingers.  It’s whether he can replicate that command going forward like he’s a replicate in one of those sci-fi movies with replicates.  I don’t know sci-fi, so you have to figure out your own analogy.  Sci-fi is for nerds!  That’s why I play fantasy baseball.  Either way, you have to pick up Freddy Peralta after yesterday’s start to see if he can build off it.  If Peralta continues that no-walk command, he’s a potential breakout.  Speaking of breakouts (can you believe the ease of that segue), Matthew Boyd dropped the ew, dunked 13 Ks on the Yankees and that’s straight Matth.  Like his most famous fantasy baseball owner would say, “Yeah, Boyd!”  Damn right, Flavor Flav!  Matthew Boyd (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.18) leads the majors in Ks.  El oh cmon.  He’s the first Tigers starter to start the season with back-to-back 10+ K games.  This wasn’t the A lineup for the Yankees, but more “a Yankees lineup.”  Still, I’m buying partly because of FOMO, and since he had 26 swinging strikes, i.e., he was fooling them real good.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?