Rubbing balloons on my head to get a lot of static on them, then sticking them to my ceiling. Hiring a deejay to play Shakira songs and getting cupcakes prepared, because…? You know why! It’s time for a Star Mitzvah! Zack Gelof went 4-for-5 with two homers (7, 8). That’s in only 25 games! Could Zack Gelof be having his Star Mitzvah? He is Jewish, so there’s a case to made that he’s already had his chair lifted above his uncle’s head, while said uncle was wheezing and out of breath. *looking at Zack Gelof’s stats before writing out the check for $18 for his Star Mitzvah* Oh, hold up. Wow, his numbers are awful. Is that Z-Contact% the worst in the majors if he qualified? A 65% contact rate?! Wait, why is anyone throwing him strikes? Because they don’t know to not throw him strikes, is my guess. Plus, they’re pitching around Gelof for what reason? It’s the A’s. So, Zack Gelof looks like he has good speed and power, but he might struggle to hit .200 once things normalize. Oh, crap, and I already sent invites for Gelof’s star mitzvah. Awkward! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Seth Brown – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .219. There’s my preseason sleeper! *dodges tomato* What? *runs out of the room*
Trevor May – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.78. Imagine being so desperate for saves that you’re trusting this. Trevor May-I-interest-you-in-a-game-of-Russian-roulette?
Allan Winans – 7 IP,0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.59. Another Winans brother? Wow, this one looks like he could’ve starred in White Chicks with little makeup. Clearly, Winans is the latest installment of a Braves’ Touki. Braves squat over a bowl before games and do a big ol’ Touki and they let ’em pitch, i.e., he’s not actually good.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 43rd homer, hitting .273. Having some kind of special season. May all your cornermen drafted ever do with Olson is doing.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Much to the chagrin of the Ghost of Ralph Kiner, the Mets are trying to lose. They’ve been trying to lose for weeks now, as I told you weeks ago. Quintana’s been fine, though.
Sandy Alcantara – 9 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Dare to say Alcantara’s going to be a sneaky sleeper next year? I dare, I dare!
Eury Perez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.19. Please just shut him down.
Michael King – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.08. Will be stretched out to be a starter. That means it’ll be three to four starts before he can go five innings, and then give me a ring-a-ding to see where he’s at. Could be an interesting monocle for 2024, but I’d guess the Yanks go out and sign some terrible old vets like Rich Hill.
Anthony Volpe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Volpe should win Comeback Player of the Year if he comes back to win AL Rookie of the Year.
Clay Holmes – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.80. The New York Yikes are so diseased.
Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Next year, drafting all Guards starters and all Braves hitters. LFG!
Andres Gimenez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Has been having a nice August for him, but, for most great players, he’s had a half month that’s been about as good as a day from Acuña.
Gabriel Arias – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I am not wearing glasses. I am wearing two separate monocles just for Arias.
Tanner Bibee – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Bibee Netan-wahoo!
Wander Franco – Didn’t play on Sunday, and didn’t travel with the Rays to San Francisco after allegations of an improper relationship with a minor was made this weekend. If this goes the way it feels to be going, Wander Franco might not playing baseball for a very long time.
Osleivis Basabe – 1-for-3, 1 run as he was recalled. Itch said, “Basabe posted such an interesting 2022 he made the list (of top ten Rays prospects). You don’t have to squint to find a Luis Arraez-plus-speed sort of profile. Basabe plays passable defense all over the infield, too, so he should survive the post-shift reshuffle. I’d also like to reshuffle Grey’s face.” C’mon! Basabe looks like an AL-Only play for now, but, if allegations about Wander Franco are true, then Basabe might’ve been called up for a reason, and might have playing time.
Zach Eflin – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.67. Sucks for fantasy, but Rays look like that H2H team that is great in April and May, and is bounced the first week of the playoffs.
Brayan Bello – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.81. Fear that you do that vs. the Tigers, then you’re tiring, and it doesn’t matter what the Streamonator says about you.
Justin Turner – 2-for-5, and his 19th homer, hitting .288, 2nd homer in two games. Justin Turner has been surprisingly solid all year. Yes, you red that right.
Trevor Story – 4-for-4, 2 runs and two steals (2, 3), hitting .368. The Story continues after the break…
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.13. EdRod in Fenway, whispering into a bottle, “You can’t go home, again,” then throws it into the Charles River.
Akil Baddoo – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and has been hitting leadoff, and I just picked him up in an AL-Only league, and that’s the only place I would.
Brandon Pfaadt – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.91. See pflashes of what could be with him, but pfew and pfar between.
Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Feels like Lugo’s usefulness is starting to come to an end, as he might be tiring.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, 6 BBs, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Walker, indeed.
Ranger Suarez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Streamonator had him sorta positive yesterday, and I did a thanger with Ranger.
Jordan Luplow – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. It is so gee-dee funny how bad the AL Central is that the easy leader in that division is starting Luplow in the three-hole.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.04. You thought he’d get a Win? You thought he’d get a Win? Why? Because he pitched well? Wait, he did get the Win. Oh, I got myself all worked up for no reason.
Edward Olivares – Optioned to Triple-A. “See? It wasn’t my fault!” That’s Dayton Moore.
Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Ragans illuminates that if you let runners on, they can lead to runs. It’s the trickle down theory of baseball.
J.P. France – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.74. France? More like Mon-can-go! That’s the worst pun that’s ever been committed to the written word.
Jose Abreu – Hit the IL with back inflammation. Mark Morrison, “(Return of the back), once again.”
Jose Urquidy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.50. Couple more of those kinda starts and I might be interested.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and his 41st homer. Will be skipping his next start vs. the Rangers. “What is Wednesday?” “The day God created the skipped start.”
Chase Silseth – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Why does it feel like Silseth is doing what we expected from Detmers and Canning for the last five years and we’re all just like, “Meh, whatever?”
Julio Urias – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Damn Daniel. Watch me actually be into Urias next year (doubtful, but his price will be cheaper, so maybe).
Jared Triolo – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st career homer. “I did it, ma! I did it!” That’s Triolo seeing himself mentioned in a Razzball roundup.
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-9 and his 16th and 17th homer. Having one of those seasons where you’re like, “Well, at least he’s not terrible.”
Brandon Williamson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33 vs. Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.27. If two starters, who I don’t trust, come together to make a sound that they should be trusted, does anyone hear it? (No.)
Elly De La Cruz – 2-for-9 and a slam (10) and legs (16). E! is the fastest player in history to 10 homers and 15 steals, behind only one player. E! did it in 58 games; Barry Bonds did it in 57 games.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer. If you would’ve told me a catcher on pace for a 20/20 season, would be droppable in most mixed leagues, I wouldn’t have believed you.
Jameson Taillon – 3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.71. Named Jameson, because he be making me drink.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Streamonator hates Ryu’s next start, and I can’t blame it, tee be aitch.
Dylan Carlson – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. If he were traded to two weeks ago, he’d be on his 14th straight game with two homers, but who’s counting?
George Kirby – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.11. He’s great, I love him. Him and Logan Gilbert are going to be on all my 2024 fantasy teams. With all that said, score a freakin’ run for him against Cole Irvin!
Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Okay, I might draft some Orioles starters too. It’s a whole new world!
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Don’t usually mention guys who homer who don’t start the game, but Cedric the HRtainer had one of the best ten-minute stretches in baseball. From robbing a homer to hitting one and winning the game. Might just root for the O’s this playoffs.
Andrew Heaney – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.17, and was out early because he was sick earlier in the week. I just wouldn’t have started him, but I am merely a pretty face, so what do I know?
Dane Dunning – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, and a career high of 12 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Dane Stunning. Dane Stunting on those hitters. Truly incredible. He had a 5.7 K/9 on July 1st, which was almost dead last in the majors. Since, he’s near a strikeout per inning, and is one of only 17 starters with three or more games of 10+ Ks this year, tied with Wheeler, Nola, Cease, Lopez, and Castillo. Of the strikeouts, near-40% have been looking. That’s 4th best in the league.
Julio Pablo Martinez – 2-for-4, 1 run. I saw the Rangers’ beat writer call him JP Martinez, and briefly I thought I had broke through to a new dimension where there was a Just Pong Martinez. He’s platooning in a corner outfield spot for the Rangers, and, in Triple-A, he went 12/33/.312, which is pretty good, but he’s old, so the thought is he’s a Quad-A player, but Quad-A players sometimes come up and are great for a month-plus.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-3 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. When he gets hot, he goes from zero to schmotato.
Alex Cobb – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.62. Cobb was followed by Wood (4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.92), and, if you had either Cobb or Wood, you were f*cked.
Logan Webb – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Webb gem.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Sweating and humma’ing at FreddyKBB’s last four starts.
Jesse Scholtens – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Fun fact! When he’s not pitching, Scholtens is fighting athlete’s foot.
