You emerge from mother’s basement, holding your hands up to your eyes to block the sun, and scream, “Ma! I won my fantasy league! Ma!” You stop to look around; it’s a fiery landscape reminiscent to an apocalypse. You open further the basement door, and it falls off its hinges. You, scared, “Ma?” There’s no walls anymore on your house, which gives you a vantage point to the entire surrounding area that smolders. Coming up your once-tree-lined street is a posse of thousands of–An army from another country? Another world? Who are they? What have they done with your family? Just as the questions dissolve over you, a warrior spots you and grunts for you to get in line. You reach for the only weapon you can get your hands on, a Lou Pinella commemorative mini-bat from a 1981 stadium giveaway, and join the post-apocalyptic army. As you scuttle into position behind the marching forces, you see a group of warriors carrying your mother’s head on a pitchfork. Overcome with emotion, you run up and scream, “Ma! I gotta tell you about the fantasy league I won!” In this scenario, I am your mother, and the army is Razzball. You’re welcome! Today is the day when you realize you’ve spent 27,000 man hours this summer beating eleven other strangers to win a virtual trophy, and it feels great! That’s if you won your league, if you came in 2nd or worst, you get an A for effort. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Taijuan Walker to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
Sorry, but first I must purge myself of all Yu song references. If you don’t like that, Yu Can’t Always Get What Yu Want, but, if Yu try, Yu might get what Yu need, because all Yu Need Is Love, and I Wish Yu Were Here. Yu Give Love A Bad Name, but I’m gonna Run to Yu. Even if Rick rolled, I’m Never Gonna Give Yu Up, and shut don’t go up, but Yu do. Yu Take My Breath Away when Yu pitch well, but Yu Never Give Me Your Money, which makes sense since Yu Don’t Know Me. Without or Without Yu Yu (stutterer!) can put together a solid rotation, but Yu Light Up My Life when it’s the Best of Yu. Have I Told Yu Lately he needed to cut down on his walks? Yesterday, he went 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks (zero walks!), ERA at 5.14, and I Know What Yu Did Last Summer (disambiguation: song), but what about now? Don’t Yu (Forget About Me). Did the Rangers closer, Chris Martin, Fix Yu? Remains doubtful, but no walks is Arthur’s Theme (Best Yu Can Do). Any hoo! Yu Darvish might’ve been dealing with a mechanics issue, and maybe now that’s fixed. He does have a near-12 K/9, the only bugaboo is his 7+ BB/9, but if he can tame that he immediately shoots to at least a number two, and stops plopping out number twos. Do Yu Understand (ft Tory Lanez & Gunna). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I don’t pay much attention to Spring Training statistics. You never know who the statistics are coming against. Baseball-Reference did, however, have an amazing tool last year that attempted to quantify the quality of opposing pitchers or batters faced during spring training games on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being MLB talent and 1-3 being high A to low A level. This tool is great, but it averages all the Plate Appearances or batters faced. You would still need a deeper dive to see if your stud prospect smacked a donger off of Chris Sale or off of your kid’s future pony league baseball coach. So what should we watch for in March when we’re starved for the crack of the bat? Ignore “best shape of their life” stories and Spring Training statistical leaderboards. Pay attention to injuries and lineup construction and position battles!Please, blog, may I have some more?
With these top 100 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve finished our (my) 2019 fantasy baseball rankings for positions. Still coming will be a top 100 overall and top 500 to see how all the positions mesh together like your mesh Redskins jersey that meshes with your burgundy sweatpants. Trust me, when you see how long this post is, you’ll be glad I kept this intro short. As always, my projections are included, and where I see tiers starting and stopping. If you want an explanation of tiers, go back to the top 10 overall and start this shizz all over again. Anyway, here’s the top 100 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Oblique? More like nooooooblique! Seems like it is a mild one so he has that going for Jonathan Schoop, 2B, (strained oblique). Which is goodblique. Orioles are hoping for a minimum stay, but I think it’ll be similar to Christian Yelich where they hold him out for 15-20 days instead of just the minimum 10. Stash or Trash: Stash. Fill In: Howie Kendrick (14.5%.) Nobody wants to play Howie Kendrick — we all just somehow end up with him on our team at some point throughout the year when our players get hurt. (Which always coincides with that two game a month hot streak Kendrick always has.) The conversation we usually have with ourselves when it comes time to add Kendrick typically ends with “I guess I’ll grab Howie Kendrick to replace ____” Here’s the same old song and dance you hear about Kendrick every year: he’s hit safely in every game he’s played this season except one. He’ll accidentally hit 1-2 HRs right before you pick him up, but then won’t hit 1-2 more until right after you drop him two weeks later. Howie-ver, he won’t hurt your AVG/OBP and could provide a HR and a nice handful of runs in the Nats lineup until Schoop comes back. Then you can pass him back to the waivers until someone else needs him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
…And presenting our next award is Chance the Rapper and Grey the Napper. *I lean into the mic* “Thank you, it’s wonderful to be here. Did you know the inventor of Ping Pong originally named it Fing Fong? Yup, but he had terrible penmanship.” *no one laughs* “Oh, hey, there’s Jeff Daniels. My dad loves you, but calls you Jack Daniels. Then again, I’m not sure he’s talking about you. Anyway, the nominees for our first Teoscar are… Teoscar Hernandez, from years in the minors of 17 homers, 33 steals. Teoscar Hernandez, from the projections of 17/17 for this year. Finally, Tesocar Hernandez, playing a fire emoji in The Emoji Movie, who yesterday went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .421, with his 1st homer, while coming a double short of the cycle. And the winner is… *fumbles with envelope* “Wow! Tesocar Hernandez.” “He was the only one nominated, and it’s called the Teoscars.” “Shut up, Chance! You’re ruining the ratings! By the way, to cover the weed smell in your house, you should open a Subway sandwich shop in your living room.” So, obviously Teoscar’s been all that and a swag bag of freebies, and I would grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Indians and Twins set sail for the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico to rid themselves of the cold weather. Puig should really be from there, because white people pronounce each similarly awful. “Welcome to Pwwwwwayto Rico!” This was a homecoming for Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and he promptly hit his 2nd homer, a moonshot that went about 275 feet (but, hey, it counts). Also, taking advantage of the short fences was Michael Brantley (3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1st homer), Jose Ramirez (3-for-5, 4th homer) and Yonder Alonso (1-for-4, 3rd homer). The video of Lindor going around the bases is all that dem feels that baseball does right. How does baseball not have a team in Puerto Rico? Talk about something that is so obvious you have to be as ignorantly run as MLB to not see it as plain as day. Move the fences back 25 feet in Hiram Bithorn Stadium, switch out the fungo bats for mofongo and let that star shine! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just wanna put it out there that Al Gore did a better job of inventing the internet than he did at global warming. All these postponements is a real shit
show…snow. The way we’re going there’s going to be back-to-back tripleheaders in August for some teams with the ceremonial first pitch thrown out by Joel Youngblood. Here was me trying to field a full fantasy team the last few days: I’m going to hold onto Matt Davidson through his postponed games, at least I have Freddie Freeman, and now the Braves are rained out, well, I have Miguel Andujar in a doubleheader, and…that’s been canceled, guess I can grab whomever is starting for the Royals vs. Ohtani and that game has been called. Hmm, down to one game on Sunday — Rays vs. Phils. C’mon, Kiermaier–And he’s out after one inning. FMFBBL. Any hoo! Yesterday, Starling Marte went 5-for-5, 4 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .305. If you’re facing him, urine trouble, if you’re a PEDs tester, that is. By the way, I heard an interesting tidbit on a podcast the other day. If you wipe a baby diaper filled with pee on your face, you will stay forever young. Of course, the advice came from a prisoner serving 25 years to life in San Quentin, so there might be side effects. Coming into this game, Marte was hitting .241, and he raised his average more than sixty points, which shows you how young the season is still. Maybe the season wiped baby urine on itself. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
I’m convinced you’d be better off if you ignored everything from Spring Training. For every one thing you gleam from the spring that pays off, there’s five terrible habits you pick up like you’re a priest in The Keepers on Netflix. Okay, maybe you would have seen Joey Gallo wasn’t striking out as much (barely has carried over), but you also would’ve seen Shohei Ohtani looking terrible. Hat tip to someone on Twitter who screenshot this:
So many things wrong with this — Has Bryce Harper ever been bad? I mean, maybe injured, but a bust? WUT. Also, it’s one thing to be concerned about Shohei Ohtani, but bust? He hadn’t pitched one inning in the major leagues by that point and was being drafted around 100th overall. Bust? It was a gamble, risk was baked in. Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani bust…ed out! (See what I did there?) He went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 hit, 1 walk), 12 Ks. Good luck convincing someone he’s a bust now when trading for him.
The other pitcher with “Otani” in their last name is Jameson Taillon who went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.26. Last year, I suggested to get his feng shui back, to find his equilibrium, because he couldn’t pitch with one testicle missing, I suggested he put a walnut in his jock strap for balance. Well, I’m not saying he took my advice, but, yesterday, Jameson Taillon gave up one hit. Imagine he was a eunuch? He’d be Sandy Koufax! Wait, was that why Koufax had a girl’s first name? For a while last year, Taillon was treating the surviving twin like a punch bag, but he looks back to the potential ace he once was. Go get ’em, Jameson Walnut! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Padres starters give me the feels; Mariners starters start the underneath tinglings; Dodgers starters feather enthusiasm on the undercarriage. Reds starters? That park is so blech. Luis Castillo’s sexy, but, again, that park and…I trail off, thinking about whatever happened to Better Call Saul, did that show end? When my thoughts drift back, I remember what I was thinking about, and see Tyler Mahle. More like Tyler Mehle was my thought. Now? After watching him dismantle the Cubs? Color me intrigued, with a red paintbrush. Yesterday, Mahle went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks. He looked shaky as all get out to start the game — walked Happ, Bryant lined out hard, hit Rizzo, then he said, “Good morning, good afternoon, and–Well, I already have two outs, so I’ll have to say good night in the next inning.” And he did. He settled down after that, and no one looked close to starting a rally. He had a bit of luck at one point by getting to face the opposing Tyler after giving up a triple to Baez, but Mahle didn’t exude a whole lot of sweat beads otherwise. I’ve seen more sweat on a girl doing a Tyler Chatwood, which is a euphemism for tying a cherry stem into a knot with your mouth while seamlessly carrying on a conversation. I grabbed Mahle in one league for his next start vs. the Pirates, and plan on going one start at a time for now, but I’m encouraged. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?