Ritchie Proclaims He’s “Soy Capitan”

Patrick Duffy exits the shower and we realize stashing Didier Fuentes for a month on multiple teams only to have him suck was a dream. It never happened. Also, another sign it was a dream is that I was a giant tongue and Giancarlo Stanton was in a whipped-cream bikini. Instead of that nightmare of stashing Didier and the less-nightmarey tongue thing, I wake to see JR Ritchie was on all of my teams. Only then I realize this is the actual dream and I really did have Didier and was wearing a mascot-like tongue outfit. Damn it, Didier! Why couldn’t you have looked like JR Ritchie (7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks)? In Triple-A, Ritchie went 9.2 K/9, 4.3 BB/9, and 0.99 ERA in 27 1/3 IP, and, in 140 IP the previous MiLB year, he went 9 K/9, 3.5 BB/9, 2.64 ERA. Itch said previously, “The 35th overall pick in 2022, the 6’2” 185 lb Ritchie started the Futures Game this season and might have made the majors if Atlanta had remained in contention. He enjoyed a little velocity bump this season and recorded a 2.64 ERA and 1.01 WHIP in 140 innings spread across three levels, generating similar outcomes at each level thanks to plus control of a three-pitch mix (fastball, slider, changeup). He’s shown an aptitude with spin and command that suggests he can add pitches across time. I’d like to put stitches across Grey.” What? So, I like Ritchie, what’s not to like? The big issue is when Strider returns any day now, where does Ritchie go? Maybe Reynaldo gets bumped from the rotation, maybe they go to a six-man, but none of this is clear. Only thing that’s clear is I really have to change out of this giant tongue outfit, before I’m arrested. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ozzie Albies – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .297. Comatose Acuña Drafter wakes after a month, “Wow, all the Braves are doing good, huh? I love that for me! What’s Acuña got, 12 homers? 10 steals? Hitting .330? Why’s everyone backing out of the hospital room and covering their faces with my Get Well balloons?”

CJ Abrams – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .292. So, I have my monocle pressed up to past splits. Corange Juice was solid last April, but had a 3.9 BB% and 23.4%, those are clearly inferior to this year’s 11.9 BB% and 16.5 K%. He’s actually better this year. Maybe not perfect nor a 35-homer guy, but if he does 25/30/.275, that’s top 20 value.

James Wood – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. I have Wood — Ew! Not like that! — I roster Wood — Still sounds kinda bad! Okay, I tell you this so you know I don’t have ulterior motives in saying Wood had a great 1st half last year too. I hope he can keep it going, but we’ve seen this before. He is striking out more at this point in the season than he was last year, and last year’s K% ballooned to 40% by July. Trust me, I want to be wrong to be even nervous. April last year:

Cade Cavalli – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Have him in an NL-Only league, and he’s been basically this all year. Solid Ks, few runs, 4-6 IP and a no decision. It’s the Cade Cavalli way.

Riley Cornelio – Being called up by the Nats to make his debut tonight. “Hehe, The Great Cornelio, hehe.” Has a 13.2 K/9 in Triple-A (whoa), and has developed nicely in the minors. The Great Cornelio is worth a monocle in mixed leagues, and could even see grabbing him for a stream vs. the White Sox.

Tyler Glasnow – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. This was vs. the Giants, who are somehow near .500 as a team considering their hitting is fairly inept. Glasnow is great, obviously. Caveat: For 1o0 more innings.

Tanner Scott – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.84, and got the 1st post-Edwin save. Scott could be the closer from now until Edwin returns in three months. Or trip up and let someone else into the picture. In shallower leagues, I’d move on with the Vesia, Treinen, et al SAGNOFstakes.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Webb out-gem’d by Glasnow. Webb gem’d out? Hmm, you know what I mean.

Davis Martin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Davis Martin graduates (from a terrible pitcher who you ignore)! Davis Martin graduates! So, the underlying numbers say he’s an exceptionally mediocre pitcher, but worthwhile in deeper leagues as long as he has his walk rate near-miniscule levels. So, Streamonator, basically.

Michael Soroka – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Unlike Martin above (said Jerry Lewis in hell), Soroka is a shallow league pitcher. He’s pitching exceptionally. No mediocre, said like T.I. (Not Texas Instruments, you boomers!)

Victor Vodnik – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.59. Victor Vodnik sounds like an MF DOOM nickname, and if I may, that line from yesterday is MOTHER******* DOOM.

Mickey Moniak – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, and 3rd time this year already he’s hit two homers in a game. I think Bobby Witt Jr. has two runs all year. Any hoo!

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and pick up every Padres and Diamondbacks hitter for this week’s Mexico series.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Went to the Player Rater to see where Tarik was ranked on the year and he was right next to Ildemaro Vargas. [shrinks and dives into a thimble vodka] Bye bye now.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in two games. This guy always reminds me of my dad throwing me into the ocean and saying, “Snorkel, son!” Any hoo! He’s clearly heating up, but won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s rostered in over 50% of leagues.

Riley Greene – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .289. Two homers? Those are rookie numbers! You gotta get those numbers up!

Brandon Sproat – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.45. Gonna start a competitor to the Savannah Bananas called the Bananas Up The Ol’ Tailpipe, and it’s just going to be me drafting unproven starters who screw me.

Abner Uribe – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.82. An emoji whose smile is so tightly creased he begins to cry.

Francisco Lindor – Hit the IL with a strained calf, and will be out “quite a bit” since it’s severe. Only sure things in this life are death, taxes and the Mets being cursed. Ronny Mauricio was recalled. That recalling went like this, “Bring up that guy who does that thing…what’s it called? Play baseball? Yeah, that guy…Which guy that plays baseball? Uhhh…Ronny Mo-something?”

Christian Scott – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, zero hits, 5 BBs, 1 K, as he was called up. A no-hitter in his debut! Woohoo!

Brett Baty – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. It’s cool when 15-homer hitters don’t hit, say, seven in the first month and give you false hope.

Carson Benge – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Benge is the fantasy equivalent to beige.

Devin Williams – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA down to 10.29. I kid, but barely. It was up to 10.29. Again, barely.

Joe Ryan – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.90. He also gave up three unearned for the heart-stopping box scare. I need to defib my ticker.

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. Hitters be nomnomnomnomnomnom’ing on the Mets’ pen. It’s feast time, baby!

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I failed to mention his home run the day before hit off the top of the foul pole, because I missed it. I have now seen it and damn. I remember why I loved him for three straight years when he disappointed. My white whale!

Bubba Chandler – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. I have no faith in Bubba, he said sounding like Newt Gingrich.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. May 12th is his first IL stint. Don’t blame me, blame this stupid decoder ring!

Evan Carter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Carter being awful and out-producing Langford is classic Carter and Langford!

Jacob deGrom – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Not to be a beggar and chooser here, but I’d love if he threw to a bit more contact, and went 7 IP.

Dean Kremer – Hit the IL with a right quad strain. Brandon Young was recalled and will start on Friday. Here’s what I said last time he was called up, “There should be a nurse stationed in every hospital that tells new parents, “Sorry, you can’t name your kid Brandon. We’re out of those.” So, Young has a 93 MPH fastball, four pitches, and excellent command. He’s tall and reminds me of Chris Young. Can he build a winning roster in Texas? I don’t know. He feels like an innings eater. I’d leave him for AL-Only.” And that’s me quoting me!

Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, as he was called up. You’d think New York would be better equipped to dealing with Tolle’s. High five me! Right now! No? Okay. So, I watched the start, and he cruised for three innings, then seemingly lost his command completely. Ya know, rookie stuff, but settled down and looked solid overall. His 90 MPH change and 83 MPH curve were especially nasty. I have no idea where he goes once Gray returns. Him Gray, not me Grey. I’d bump Bello from the rotation, but I don’t know if the Sawx will.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “Hey, we could just prop him against the blue can, it’s trash pick up tomorrow–Hold up! He moved! Jazz is alive!” Though, I still wonder if he is. It’s pretty comical how he celebrated this home run, consider he’s hitting .180 and the home run was a Fenway special that went 333 feet.

Cam Schlittler – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.77. He could be a top three to five starter this year. Nothing I see from him seems particularly smoke-n-mirrors’y.

Edward Cabrera – 7 IP, 3 ER (2 more unearned), 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.73. One way to dodge regression is to have the runs be unearned. We call that “the scorekeeper’s bookie is Emmanuel Clase.”

Caleb Thielbar – Gave up a pinch-hit homer to Adolis Garcia (3rd), and hobbled off the field. Cubs’ closer of the moment was fleeting, but aren’t all moments, he wrote in a Hallmark card when a CVS employee appeared, and chased him from the store for writing in their cards. I don’t know who the Cubs will call on now to close, if Thielbar is FUBAR’d. I guess Jacob Webb or Hoby Milner. No, I don’t feel great about those suggestions.

Ian Happ – 2-for-6, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .250. He is literally never awful and no one ever wants to draft him.

Michael Busch – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Get your hands and arms inside, we have to shut the Buy Low window.

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd straight game with a homer. Seiya ball!

Brandon Marsh – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .300. Anyone ever ask him if he keeps his beard like that so Marsh looks like he has swamp ass?

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.94. Can you buy low? Then do it! Unless you’re…chicken! And if you are chicken, what came first, you or the egg? Always wondered.

Taijuan Walker – Released by the Phillies. Taijuan Walker was last seen on Broad Street asking strangers if they saw his slider. They hadn’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if in ten years, we’re watching a Storage Wars episode and they open an old storage unit and they find Taijuan Walker’s slider.