Not Your Grandfather’s Top 100 Starting Pitchers… It was established in the first edition of 2019 Top 100 Pitchers: starting pitchers are much like grandparents. Exciting when they’re young and healthy, disheartening when they’re old and feeble. No reasonable mind would dispute the likeness between our elders and dudes who grasp and thrust balls for […]Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Andrew Heaney to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
Domingo Santana (1-for-5 with a grand slam) is already in beast mode. That beast is a dingo, emphasis on ding, as in dinger, and you can’t spell Domingo without dong, but this dingo eats dongs not babies, and I’ve got smoke coming out my ears….We have real baseball! Then, tomorrow we won’t have real baseball again for a week. MLB is so crackers it’s staying at the Ritz by the water, Cheez-it, Mary and Joseph! “Happy Opening Day two days later,” said the Time Zone to the Baseball Fan. I can’t wait to see how Mike Fiers (3 IP, 5 ER) and Marco Gonzales (6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks) react to pitching in a game, then taking a 56-hour plane flight home to pitch again in a week. Their combined 89 MPH fastballs are gonna have some jet lag. Hopefully, their elbows won’t. The Stream-o-Nator wasn’t thrilled with either pitcher, and neither was great. Yes, the Stream-o-Nator is back! The only real takeaway I have from these games is the A’s are at least thinking similarly to me, and that Ramon Laureano (0-for-5, 3 Ks) is the best man for the A’s leadoff job. I’ll toast to that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
A Loch Ness Monster waits nervously in a doctor’s office. He turns to his left to a unicorn. “What brought you in here?” “I was having a weird pang behind my horn for a few weeks while in Candyland, and I went for an MRI when they found a growth.” The unicorn chokes back its fears, finishing, “I’m having a biopsy. You?” The Loch Ness Monster hands the unicorn a tissue, then, through tears, “I’ve been pooping this tar-like substance, and they’re not sure…what…it…is.” As the the two of them sob uncontrollably, they look across the receptionist area to Vladimir Guerrero Jr. The unicorn fights through tears and asks, “Why are you at the National Institute of Made-Up Injuries and Diseases?” “The Jays said I had an oblique injury to delay my free agency.” So, Vlad Guerrero Jr. has an oblique injury, which, honestly, is likely a real injury, but doesn’t sound serious. Maybe it is just an aching venient injury. Who knows. I’ve been saying for a while that I’m not drafting Vlad, due to his ADP, and wrote a Vladimir Guerrero Jr. schmohawk, so this doesn’t affect me a ton. Nor his MLB ETA. He wasn’t starting the year with the Jays either way. I haven’t changed his projections or ranking in my top 20 3rd basemen, though there have been a bunch of changes in my rankings, so let’s get to it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Cougs’ brother bought a place in Jackson Hole, Wyoming; I mentioned to Cougs at one point in the last five years of marriage I skied once twenty years ago, and that’s the story of how I drafted a fantasy team falling graciously down the side of a mountain. That’s right, ya boy went skiing this past weekend, and was drafting from a ski lift! Thankfully, Geronimo Berroa is no longer in the league, because I might’ve ended up with him on my team because I kept screaming out his name during each round. So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an AL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than your aunt after two cocktails. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. Or closet buddies, if you’re reading fast and/or experimenting.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team AL-Only team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode. Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi. Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x). I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over. If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type! I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children! See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids. Like a baller! A shot caller! An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!” Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Do you remember the last time you swung and missed?
Maybe it happened at your beer league softball game? Or maybe it was during last week’s company-wide meeting when you thought you’d tell that funny story about the peanut butter thing but screwed up the beginning, and nobody laughed—not even Amber from accounting who giggles at everything—so you sat down all hot faced, feeling stupid all day?
Or maybe you’re thinking of that day you finally asked out Amber from Accounting, and that time she did laugh?
Nobody likes to swing and miss, is all I’m saying. And nobody likes that awkward what-what of trying to save a story from a bad opening line. Here’s some baseball-related proof:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the top 80 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball, we are so close to the end of the rankings, I can almost taste it! Wait, that’s not rankings I taste, I bit my lip and it’s blood. I wonder if when Dracula bites his lip it’s like when Cougs goes out with her friends and I’m left at home while Emmanuelle is on Cinemax. I’ll go over exactly how to draft starters in a few days, but there are so many ways to skin a cat we should have PETA breathing down our necks. Also, I’m hoping to do the RCL signups next Monday. Stay tuned! Or not, your call. All the 2019 fantasy baseball rankings are there. Here’s Steamer’s 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2019 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. All projections listed are mine and I mention where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2019 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
While casually scrolling through pitchers from last year who should be better this year, I saw Andrew Heaney. My first thought was, “RIP Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan.” Then, I Googled “professional wrestlers who have prematurely died,” and, five weeks later, when I was done reading the results, I returned to Andrew Heaney. Am I suddenly more optimistic about the Angels now that they have the new manager, Brad Ausmus? Well, no, not necessarily. He is devilishly handsome — between Ausmus and Gabe Kapler, can a Jewish grandmother get some grandkids up in here?! — and Ausmus can’t be worse than The Sciosciapath. At least he won’t have to make out the lineup card with a pencil in his mouth, because he’s wearing a straitjacket. How much will Ausmus do for the Angels’ starters? Meh, he finished under .500 as the Tigers’ manager after four seasons, and seems to fail sideways. His bullpen management was goofy at best, and he thinks catchers, who are pitch framers, should go work at Aaron Brothers, the national chain of picture framers, not Rex Brothers’ brother (stutterer!). Luckily, I don’t think Ausmus has any bearing on Heaney, there’s too much going in his favor, which I will now tackle, after this clunky segue: So, what can we expect from Andrew Heaney for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him a sleeper?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I lied to you loyal Razzball readers. In part 1 of this 2019 fantasy baseball mock draft hosted by Justin Mason of Friends with Fantasy Benefits, I told you this was going to be a four-part series. Well, unfortunately between rounds 23 and 24, the MLB regular season ended and thus, so did our Fantrax mock draft. The draft room disappeared from the league page and every future pick was being auto-drafted. Rather than waste your time discussing random players being auto-drafted I’m just going to highlight a few notable undrafted players at the bottom of this article. Back to the draft itself: three words can sum up rounds 15 through 23: risk, relievers and rookies. You’ll soon see what I mean. (BTW, the 2nd part of the fantasy baseball mock draft.)Please, blog, may I have some more?
I have an unpopular opinion, that I know will never fly. Pants with magnet buttons. Okay, I have another one: knock people over the head and when they wake, tell them they’re on Mars and film it. Like Survivor but more panicked. My final unpopular opinion, allow teams to forfeit. I know in today’s charged political climate it’s not cool to say anything bad about herbathrowdites, but hitters pitching is stupid. It’s okay for a quick laugh, but a team has obviously forfeited if they’re pitching Jace Peterson. Just let them throw a white flag, and call the game. Of course, this would be wildly unpopular with fans who paid a lot of money to see nine innings, but are people sticking around in a 19-3 game. I don’t know, maybe they are. So, yesterday, Xander Bogaerts (2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) collected his 100th RBI and 22nd homer. Just Dong Martinez (3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 42nd, a number I thought was retired. Mookie Betts joined the 30/30 club (more on him after the jump). Blake Swihart went 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6), inching closer to Buster Posey’s year-long homer total. Rafael Devers (5-for-8, 3 runs, 6 RBIs) stole the show, hitting his 20th and 21st homer. I’ve collected 1,000 praying mantises and joined them in a prayer circle that feels insectually correct, hoping Devers doesn’t push up his 2019 fantasy value in this final week. I talked a bit about this on the last podcast, but Devers is only 21 years old, and could easily be a middle of the order bat for the Red Sox next year. That’s very good, assuming every team they’re facing doesn’t forfeit. Or assuming every team does. I don’t know, let’s figure this out together! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?