[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1371628″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Running Backs” duration=”163″ description=”It’s the 2023 Fantasy Football Running Backs! 0:32 – Kenneth Walker 1:15 – Elijah Mitchell 1:55 – Javonte Williams ” uploaddate=”2023-08-03″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1371628_th_64cbe06d429db_1691082861.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1371628_sd_64cbe06d429db_1691082861.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1371628.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

Hol’ hol’ hol’ up! Jays manager’s name is John Schneider, and they just happened to find a replacement for the three-hole in their lineup named, Davis Schneider? This seems suspect! What’s also got me sniffing the waiver wire saying, “That’s fishy,” what did they put in Schneider? He’s the first player in MLB history with two homers and nine hits in his first three games. Reranking in my head for 2024 fantasy, “Acuña, Davis Schneider, Ohtani.” Davis Schneider not number one overall? No, okay? Not yet! Maybe after this week! So, Davis Schneider did all that bombing out of Fenway, and, in Triple-A, he went 21/9/.275 with a 21.9% strikeout rate. I get it, he was a bit old for the level, but, at 24, it wasn’t like he was Joey Meneses. Not to mentionese, did we forget last year with Meneses? Sometimes guys come up, and hit for two months until pitchers figure them out next year. Schneider has no prospect pedigree, but I’d grab him in any league until he stopped hitting, or until we find out he’s John Schneider’s kid, and, as we learned in Little League, he’s only hitting third because of daddy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Erik Swanson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.58, as he got Saturday’s save, and Hicks got Friday’s and I’ve dropped both of them in a shallower league. Life’s too short, in the ghetto! Also, I need to stream starters right now in that league. So, your kilometers may vary.

Alex Verdugo – 3-for-4, hitting .275, and was benched on Saturday for showing up late to the park. He was only there two hours prior. Alex Cora and Verdugo have a Oli Marmol and Tyler O’Neill thing going on so may I make a suggestion? A trade: O’Neill for Verdugo? Who says no?

Triston Casas – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. Homey’s 2024 sleeper is going to write itself.

Johan Oviedo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. For the record, I went to look at his stats, and not to be a broken record, but meh, or Streamonator.

Endy Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his .231. Endy’s hitting better than Henry Davis (0-for-4), but Davis is still hitting cleanup, because MLB managers are the slowest em-effers to catch up on anything. Hit the 57 on the side of their head, and nothing.

Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.65, as he was activated from the IL. That was much better than I expected. Just need two months of Fried/Woodruff, sounding like fried roughy, tilapia-ass pitchers, please!

Nestor Cortes – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.97, as he was activated from the IL. Damn, Woodruff, Nestor and Fried all did better than I expected in their returns. Nestor was only beat by Altuve (that bully!) and a pitch count. I’m encouraged, y’all!

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. And it’s still a month before Leyber Day.

Carlos Rodon – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.33. Dropped him after his last start, and haven’t looked back (except right now).

Jake Meyers – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Meyers is Chas’ing that McCormick schmotato.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .290. If Captain Woo Cubano gets to 30 HRs with all the time he missed, then we must stan.

Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.93. Yeah, drink up that regression, drink it up! I mean, shucks. Oh, poo.

Joey Votto – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Votto bangs (your moms, if she agrees).

TJ Friedl – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (20), hitting .282, and two homers in two games, three homers in five games, and three steals in three games, and–you need more? You greedy.

CJ Abrams – 4-for-5, 2 runs, and a slam (11) and double legs (26, 27), hitting .260. When I wrote my CJ Abrams sleeper, I said Steamer was daft for saying he could get to 11 HRs. Who’s the daft one now?!

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. In my Lane Thomas sleeper–okay, that’s two years ago. Clearly, I was a year early. Stupid crystal ball without dates on it!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Left Saturday’s game with a hamstring cramp. If this year is any indication, I can’t believe how good Jazz is going to be next year when I don’t roster him in any league. This year I have him everywhere, so there’s no way I have him next year, when he challenges Acuña for the best in the league. You’d think I’d draft him next year with this foreknowledge, but, oh no, you’d be so wrong.

Eury Perez – Will return today. Welcome back, now save and Marlins and my season!

Josh Jung – Out with a thumb fracture. Guess we know where Thumbkin is. That’s likely Jung’s season, which helps Ezequiel Duran (1-for-1, and his 14th homer) and Josh H. Smith, who is not good enough for a middle initial.

Andrew Heaney – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Can’t believe I started him twice this past week and he didn’t tase my ratios with his supposedly-good peripherals. Truly hashtag blessed.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (18) and legs (10), hitting .281. Nice work, Semien, or as I used to tell my mom, “That’s dried glue on the towels from an art project.”

Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 29th homer. Wanna small little chuckle? Some people will be fading him again next year.

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .284. “It just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter!” Bill Murray in Meatballs, and me about Nathaniel Lowe, because I don’t like him for no good reason. (By the way, Cougs’ aunt used to work at SNL, and has a lot of Bill Murray stories, one of the good ones: Seth Green said Murray put him in a garbage can, and she said, “Yes, I was there, Billy did do that, and Seth deserved it because he was being a bratty kid.”)

Thairo Estrada – 1-for-5, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “You can go ahead and take this chair. I can’t sit down because I got a bikini wax on Saturday.”

Nick Allen – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. He’s got two-homer power, so he actually owes the league one homer. Will be interesting to see how they handle that. If he gets, like, the rest of the season to repay it or what.

Luis Medina – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.47. Welp, that stream didn’t work out.

Chase Silseth – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.72. That stream did work out! One for two, as I Streamonator like a mad man right now before we get to September and all the good streams are being shut down. Silseth moving into my good graceth too. Tharting to get encouraged.

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. He was in Friday’s Buy, so he’s been hot for a minute, maybe even for *googles how many minutes in a week*.

Amed Rosario – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Dodgers just insert him as a cleanup hitter and he becomes a cleanup hitter. Unreal.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.11. Dodgers cheat so much and I love it! Cheat for all my players, please!

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (16), hitting .339. Meh, he’s no Freddy Fermin.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 30th homer. Mookie Best!

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, and three homers in three games, but he hasn’t played anywhere close to every day. Padres need to get San Luis Campusano at-bats that bad?

Aaron Civale – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.55. Wow, The Cleveland Old Starting Pitcher Factory is better than the Rays’ We Make Everyone Better By Cheating LLC? Didn’t see that coming.

Wander Franco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Also, hitting his 15th homer was Brandon Lowe (1-for-3, 2 runs), and they both have three homers this week. Also, Yandy Diaz (3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 16th homer. To you, that’s Yandoner Lowazco.

Tarik Skubal – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Not 100% sure yet, but Skubal has a very 2024 fantasy baseball sleeper feel to him.

Kerry Carpenter – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .265. I’m sorry, but the whole Tigers’ lineup is a yawnstipating mess.

Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22. If you exclude April, he has a 2.47 ERA on the year.

Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, zero Ks, as he was recalled. Robin Williams in Jumanji, “What year is it?”

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, that’s in exactly a month of games. (A small month, not like a July month.) I’m obsessed with Wallner. He’s got big power and no one knows how to pitch to him.

Paul Sewald – 0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.48, as The Case of the Cursed Diamondbacks’ Pen strikes again. The only one who can solve this? Mountcastle! Or maybe Ginkel.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 39th homer, hitting .264. He could finish with 50 HRs and 140 RBIs, and not receive one 1st place vote for NL MVP.

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 4 ER (3 ER in the 1st), 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Taijuan comes out of the gate looking awful every game, then usually gets better as the game goes on, which is all well and good, but maybe he warms up more pregame or someone stop reading him the story of the tortoise vs. the hare.

Bryson Stott – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .302. Stott’s entertainment!

Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting…guess. He’s hit mostly homers, so that’s your hint. Guess what he’s hitting. Oh, no, daddy, he’s hitting .182! Zoinks! You kinda need him to hit 45 homers to make that palatable.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in three games, third homer last week, hitting .274. The Greek God of Hard Contact is going to be an interesting puzzle next year. Is he fixed from 2021 or can he revert? You wanna say fixed, but if he struggles the last two months and ends with, say, 22 HRs and a .260 average, is that. Dot dot dot. Good?

MJ Melendez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .214. ‘Member when he was a debatable top 100 pick? His teammate, Freddy Fermin, who sounds like an off-brand Freddie Freeman, has 8 HRs and is hitting .313.

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.44. Streamonator hated it but that did not stop me from finally trying him out and jinxing the ever-living crap out of him!

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Ya know as soon as I say, “Sure, grab Matz,” he’s going to light a bag of poop on fire and fling it at your door, right?

Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.75. If The Cleveland Old Starting Pitcher Factory can’t fix Syndergaard, he’s Synderbaad.

Jesse Scholtens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06 vs. Xzavion Curry – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.95. This matchup was billed as, “They’re not good, but we’re going to find out if two negatives make a positive.” For streamers, they did.

Tim Anderson vs. Jose Ramirez

Prolly looking at least a five-game suspension, maybe ten, for Jose Ramirez. Y’all were out here worrying he didn’t really have 30-homer power. This guy lands a half-grazed right hook and knocks out Tim Anderson. The good news — well, you thought limited pickoffs boosted steals, wait until you see what knocking out a guy who tags you does for Jose Ramirez’s steals. About to become Lou Brock. Not sure what Tim Anderson was thinking, he really put ’em up against a guy who’s been on the record saying if he didn’t hit when he was a kid, he was chased home by armed bettors. A wise man once said, “To f*ck around is human, to find out is divine,” so, I guess, Tim Anderson can take solace in knowing he is now divinity. That’s divinity as in: Something that is as soft as marshmallow.