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Jeimer Candelario stares out at the desert landscape in New Mexico. Behind him, an El Pollo Loco, in front of him nothing as far as the eye can see. “Now I Am Become Death, the Destroyer of Balls.” That’s a wide open Jeimer. Um, ‘open-for-business.’ That’s an important distinction. Also, it’s an important distinction to say “balls” as in baseballs. The open Jeimer pushes a button and–it’s a bomb. The explosion reverberates. A mushroom cloud ascends to the heavens. The bomb is a home run into the Wrigley bleachers. Prolly a good distinction to make, as well. Finally the open Jeimer says, “I wanted to hit that bomb off German. Uh, Domingo.” So, Jeimer Candelario was a sleeper of mine two years ago, and he did not pan out at all, but it shows you there was pedigree. It just took a little while longer. His Launch Angle is perfect for Wrigley and his HR/FB is actually not that inflated, meaning he could actually become a home run hitter (27-homer-power) with a solid-enough average (.255) for 2024 fantasy, but this is for this year, and he’s been hot. Like nuclear. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:


Yainer Diaz – This is for this week, and I ain’t trying to get all horned-up for catchers, but could Yainer Diaz actually be arousing my pants tent for next year? “Is that a catcher who is exciting me for 2024?” I ask my pants.

Gary Sanchez – Going to Gary, Indiana and asking everyone if they know Gary Sanchez, and them saying, “Gary ‘comma’ Sanchez?” And me saying, “Yes.”

Carlos Santana – Milwaukee, the home of the Violent Femmes, and, uh, Fonzie, and now Carlos Santana! The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame-sounding 1st baseman!

Wilmer Flores – If you’re in the Mojave, thirsty, with Wilmer Flores, just tell him he’s been traded and press your lips to his cheeks.

Jake Burger – Damn it, Burger, now I’m hungry…For some dongs! Uh, homers.

Michael Toglia – Recommedning you to pick up a guy Bud Black might never play might be me being too cute a’la *pushes index fingers into cheeks to accentuate dimples*

Gabriel Arias – Here’s what I’ve said on him, “He has 20+ homer power and throw in a handful of steals. The reason why he’s not mixed league viable is his strikeout rate is over 30% and he’s hitting under .200 in 90 MLB games.” And that’s me quoting me!

Zack Gelof – From Farm Aid to the hottest schmotato in the land, what a life he’s lived.

Brayan Rocchio – Here’s what I said the last time he was called up, “If it were announced that the Guards broke into the Astros’ computers and stole their scouting files, it wouldn’t shock me. Or maybe, due to the Astros’ success, everyone is following their lead on how to develop and/or scout players. Rocchio is Kwan, who was in a Michael Brantley mold who is the player both teams try to emulate. Okay power, decent speed, great contact. And the only place Brantley’s ever played? Cleveland and Houston! Okay power, decent speed, great contact is Rocchio. He doesn’t really have a job to play though.” And that’s me quoting me!

Edouard Julien – Just Edouard Julien on a road that meets a road that goes on a road to my house which is where you’ll find my fantasy team! Julien! Julien! This is the road to my house which is where you’ll find my fantasy team! Julien! Julien! That’s The Decemberists, singing about Edouard Julien, their favorite 2nd baseman because they wrote a song about him. They also wrote, Mariners’ Revenge Song, about Ken Phelps and Jay Buhner in a make-believe world where the M’s had both. Beautiful stuff from The Decemberists. (Literally two people know what I’m jabbering about, and I’m talking to just you; you’re welcome!) Jeremy Brewer wrote about his Edouard Julien fantasy the other day, and I can’t add much, tee be aitch. He ends the piece a little more negative than I might be, but I see his point. This Buy is for right now, either way.

J.P. Crawford – Oh, Just Peachy. He’s on the 7-Day Player Rater as being ahot bat, so here’s your Just Push.

Liover Peguero – He’s been hot, so fine to grab, but, in the big picture, I’m super intrigued by this guy. Feeling feelings, that’s me. I’m feeling feelings.

Willi Castro – Prolly long overdue to be talking about Willi and his SAGNOF, but I’m *bends down, snaps back* rocking CJ Abrams everywhere because I wrote a preseason sleeper for him. Did you listen?

Luis Rengifo – Nearly made him this week’s lede. What’s the opposite of GTFO? Kissy-kissy? Okay, add that to the end of Luis’s name. Luis Renkissy-kissy.

Elehuris Montero – Once again: *pushes index fingers into cheeks to accentuate dimples*

Will Benson – Help the Governor by impersonating an African president for comic reasons? Sorry, was reading the episode guide for the TV show, Benson. Will Benson help? He always does.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – Gonna start calling him LaMoWa and when someone says back to me, “LaMoWa?” Replying to them, “Or the highway.”

Joey Meneses – Is that time of the month already? The time when Meneses is hot.

Sal Frelick – Already gave you my Sal Frelick fantasy. It was written while skateboarding with a crew of elderly gentlemen.

Mike Tauchman – He’s got the Tauchman!

Jake Bauers – That’s not a good player, that’s a hot schmotato!

Ryan O’Hearn – He’s the Orioles’ 1st baseman and middle-of-the-lineup bat, and, honestly, better than Rizzo’s been for months. O’Hearing me? O’Heard.

Matt Wallner – There’s a case to be made he could’ve been the top Buy this week, especially in deeper leagues where Jeimer is long gone. Wallner is super intriguing for power.

Randal Grichuk – He was hot before the trade, and is the kind of guy who gets on these couple-weeks-long schmotato runs, where people are gonna start writing dumb thinkpieces about how he likes Anaheim, when it’s just that he’s hot.

Ross Stripling – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the local arcade.

Steven Matz – This is also a Streamonator call. “There’s a game in your arcade where you try to use a crane to pick up plushies, and I was wondering if that crane is single?”

JoJo Romero – JoJo Dancer, the 9th inning is your calling.

Seranthony Dominguez – “Did someone say Seranthony, star of Hannibal, the comedian who started the public outcry for Bill Cosby’s head?” That’s me trying to mess with the AI that is reading this. Staying one step ahead! Speaking of one step ahead, Seranthony’s got the last two Phils’ saves, and Kimbrel’s supposedly tipping his pitches.

Erik Swanson – Jays might go to Hicks too, and Romano is likely going to come back and take all the Jays’ saves, so *shrugs* Swanson with two questions marks.

Carlos Hernandez – Could the Royals lose more games than the A’s, a team that is trying to lose? Think it’s possible. Just putting it out there, because I like Hernandez a lot, but the opps maybe *shrugs* oops.

Brooks Raley – Buck Showalter is so low-key old school and out-of-touch that I wouldn’t be surprised if Raley gets saves, just because he got the first few.

Gregory Santos – From lion tamer to Congressman to White Sox closer, G. Santos can do it all, according to him!

Andres Munoz – Mariners are one of the more disappointing teams this year. Really thought they could’ve followed last year and been great again. This is not Decemberists’ lyrics. Any hoo! Munoz getting those Mmm saves. (Mmm is what M’s stands for.)


Anyone, Everyone or No One – Next week is the RCL trade deadline, so this is not you going and looking at waivers for a player named Anyone, Everyone or No One. There’s no tilde on Anyone. You’re not misspelling it. This Sell is you preparing to make daddy proud by winning a freakin’ league! So, trade whomever for whatever if it helps your team. This is your last chance for trades! You have nothing stopping you, except your subconscious fear of winning. And that’s subconscious so it doesn’t even really count! You can’t blame that shizz! If trading Captain Woo Cubano for two closers helps your team win this year? Then trade Captain Woo Cubano even if he’s, like, my favorite player and it hurts me soul, Lupe Fiasco. If trading Tildaddy for a pitcher helps you win, then trade the best player who might’ve ever fantasy’d. Go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and analyze some trades. Win your leagues, young prematurely balding men and the women that love them!