Reigning MVP and big toe ligament injury spokesperson Aaron Judge plead his case to himself on a historic Friday night where went 4-for-4  with 6 RBI and he hit his 33rd, 34th and 35th home runs. Sweet sassy molassy! Oh right, I forgot he can do that. Which one do you think was the prettiest? Ahem, all rise as the honorable Aaron Judge is now in slam session. We call that a hat trick. Judge became the first Yankee ever to have two three-homer games in one season (he did it against the Nats on August 23rd), and the first since Jesse Winker did it twice in 2021. He’s hotter than my Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce fan fiction! Or is he..? If a guy has one three homer day is he automatically hot, or did he just have a good game? These are questions I can ponder when my team’s been out of it for weeks. Judge has the most multi-home run games this year (6), and is third in the AL in home runs! He could be second by the end of next week. Not bad for a guy who missed 50 plus games. FIFTY FOUR to be exact! And he still leads the team in tanks by eight and RBI by one. Wowza! Judge’s OPS ballooned to an incredible 1.010 with the big night. There is an alternate multiverse slash time line where Andrew Garfield is Spiderman and Aaron Judge doesn’t run into that wall and injure the biggest toe on his mammoth foot. The Yankees starting pitchers eventually find their groove, the kids come up in July and rake, Judge makes another run at 60 dingers and the Bombers are firmly in the postseason picture like always. Alas, you’ll have to settle for him carrying your fantasy team to a championship, assuming you haven’t been out of it since July. Judge has a outside shot to get to 40 bombs which would be an impressive feat especially considering the final six games are on the road, but at least it gives those New York fans something to root for in the final week before they have to focus on the equally hopeless Jets and Giants. Woof. Maybe the Meadowlands should consider adding a short porch in right as well?

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Brandon Pfaadt – 4.1 IP, 8 hits, 5 ER, 8 K. Brandon was Judged harshly. At least he didn’t walk anyone! Honestly take out the two home runs, one was allowed because he botched fielding a double play, and this start looks much better. If anything this only shores (sures?) up our chances of drafting him next year. And yes, that’s a big Pfaadt juicy stream at the White Sox next week.

Luke Weaver – 5.1 IP, 4 hits, 3 K, 3rd win. Yes, that Luke Weaver! Was unsure for a second as his picture looks like a kid in the stands trying to get Judge’s autograph. He’s undefeated with the Yankees since they added him two weeks ago. Maybe Bronx baseball standards are just really low now. Luke and his 6.77 ERA get the Jays next week. Pick him up if you hate yourself.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, HR (31). He’s more of a homer-er than a walker. What if I told you he’s been more valuable at first base than Vlad Guerrero, Ryan Mountcastle, even Paul Goldschmidt? Are you questioning everything right now? It’s okay, we’re almost done. You can beat yourself up over fantasy football soon.

Jameson Taillon – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 0 ER, 4 BB, 7 K, 8th win, 5.05 ERA. For some reason it’s seems like he’s been better than his 5.05 ERA. He does have a 2.83 over the past month, but he gets the Braves next week so now we say goodbye. Don’t let the door hit you on the Taillon on the way out.

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-4, 2 runs, HR (20), 3 RBI. Seiya Next Year! Seiya seems to have borrowed some of that mojo from Cody and has been the Cubs hottest hitter in September hitting .343 with 7 homers over the past month, and four in the past two weeks, albeit as the Cubbies have been spiraling a bit. Playoffs or no, you got to be excited about a Cody Bellinger, Seiya Suzuki and Pete Crow-Armstrong outfield next year. Note to self: don’t let me draft more than two Cubs next year.

Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 HR (19). His second ding ding of the night was a 430+ footer that put then Brewers ahead 16-0. Don’t ask me the name of the Marlins starter. Or the color of anything. I thought Miami was a playoff team-ish? As for Yelich, sure would have been nice if he did this last week during my H2H semifinal instead of nursing a back injury and NOT going on the IL. Still, the .276/.366/.448 slash and 19 bombs and 27 steals is more than I ever could have asked for. I’d be in on Yeli again at the same price I was this year, but that probably won’t happen. It’s been real!

Carlos Santana – 3-for-6, 2 RBI. Oye como BUY! Smooth Santana! Still, the most memorable part of the night was the Rowdy Tellez strikeout. No contest.

Kris Bryant – 0-for-4. Standing ovation for Bryant in his return to Wrigley last night gives you exactly zero fantasy points, unless your league tracks the feels.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5, HR (13), 3 RBI. Banner week for big POSs, might be time for some sloppy steaks at Truffoni’s. Donaldson isn’t good, but he used to be. He also has homered in two straight.

Brice Turang – 2-for-5, 2 runs, RBI, SB (25). Now here’s a Brewer I can get behind. Seems like he’s struggling to get on-base at times, but when he does he flies, baby! Seven steals in the past two weeks. Were you expecting your SAGNOF to bat .350? Doesn’t really work like that!

Corbin Burnes – 5.0 IP, 2 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, 10th. I criticize Aces all year because I never pay up for them on draft day. “Why would you evet draft these guys?” I ask the void. Then October comes and the postseason starts and I’m like “Oh, right.” Not everything is about my fantasy team.

Chris Bassitt – 6.2 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 8 K, 15th win. Seven wins since the all star break. You can praise Vlad, or Davis Schneider, but Toro’s starters like Bassitt and Berrios finding their groove is the real reason this team is looking at a wild card spot.

Curtis Mead – 2-for-4, HR (1). He’s a Rays prospect! Just don’t question it! It’s the last week and he’s starting!

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, HR (18), 2 RBI. You would think a guy who doesn’t even play catcher is a pretty safe bet to draft as your catcher, but you’d be wrong.

Chris Sale – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, BB, 7 K. Sale has looked surprisingly dominant, however, my standards for this team are extremely low right now, he was facing one of the worst offenses in the league and he still only pitched five innings. The bar is low, so congrats Sale you passed it. He gets the Orioles next week and I’d shut him down now and go out on a high note.

Chris Martin – 1.0 IP, SV (3), ERA at 1.05 ERA. Martin was living viva la vida with Jansen on the IL, but Kenley’s back today so he might not be the best bet for saves in the final week. But I don’t know, cause it was all Yellow.

Trevor Story – 3-for-4, run. Yeah sure, Chaim sucks and traded my best friend, my muse, my only shining star, but this guy has been awful, even if it has been in limited time on a very bad team. No wonder I miss Xander so much. MLB should treat shortstops like the NFL treats running backs and just refuse to pay them.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, RBI. Schwarber is looking at a very good chance to end the season with 45 home runs batting under .200, which has never been done before! Take that Acuña!

Trea Turner – 0-for-4, run, SB (29). Treat Urner has cooled down considerably (0-for-his-last-13) since my H2H finals match up started on Monday. Why are you doing this to me, Trea? I–I loved you! I trusted you! Did you not like my friendship bracelet?

Brett Baty – 1-for-4, HR (9). Two homers in three days! This was actually a piss missile, too, off MLB’s shakiest hall of famer. The Mets are finally fun to watch. A True Baty call. Yeah, I’d add him!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, HR (27). After Bobby Witt, Lindor has been the most valuable shortstop in fantasy. I know! I can hardly believe it either. All this on one of the most disappointing teams in the league, he slashed .251/.331/.455, with 27 HR, 30 SB, 101 runs, 89 RBI. Remind me to draft Lindor next year? Actually don’t.

Tylor Megill – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 6 K. Streamonator liked this start, but CHatGPT told me not to trust Streamonator, because I think something happened between them and Siri. Something scandalous!

T.J. Friedl – 2-for-2, HR (15), 3 BB, SB (25). If the Reds are going to go on a run, they’re gonna need more than Friedl to carry them. TJ’s hitting .350 in the past week and he is a hot Friedl schomato right now. In Cincinnati, they would cover him with spaghetti and about a pound of cheese. I’ve already got gas!

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4, run, 2 SB (31). Speaking of gas, EDLC! What happened to the magic? We were having such a great summer together!

Jared Triolo – 2-for-3, HR (3). You only Triolo once! So he could be worth a look now since he’s hitting .500 with two bombs in the past week and there’s no chance you’re drafting him next year. If ever, now’s the time to own Triolo!

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-4, HR (15). Remember in April when people thought the Pirates might be a thing this year? Me neither.

Andrew Abbott – 4.1 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 7 K. Regression fairies came hard for Abbott when they found out he snuck under their radar all summer. They preferred when Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo were feuding, they support Joe Jonas and they will destroy your ratios.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 RBI, SB (5), go ahead double in the 9th inning.. Speaking of hicks, are we shipping Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce? Can you imagine how tall their kids would be?

Josh Naylor – 2-for-3, run, RBI. This game featured 23 hits, 17 runs and zero home runs. Wild ending too as both Emmanuel Clase and Yennier Cano blew their save opps, the latter giving up the game winning double to pinch-hitting David Fry. This–none of this–helped my fantasy team. Clase has 12 blown saves. I might drop him just to make a statement to the rest of my guys.

Dane Dunning – 5.1 IP, 4 hits, 4 ER, 2 BB, 2 K, 11th win  vs. Bryce Miller (4.1 IP, 6 hits, 6 ER, BB, 2 K). How many times did you stream one of these two this year? Especially Dunning. If you had to take the O/U of 7 what are you taking? Well DD’s got one more juicy one in Anaheim next week. Why not try for eight?

Aroldis Chapman – 1.0 IP, 3 hits, ER, BB, 2 K. Sigh. I hate, so much, the things that you choose to be.

Andrew Heaney – 2.1 IP, BB, 2 K, H. Rangers need the starters but would not be entirely surprised to see Rangers use Heaney in high leverage situations and would be even less surprised if he excelled at it. I mean, we know he’s a below average starter, should they give closer a try?

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, HR (30), 3 RBI. Big Dumper is the third most valuable catcher. Even more than Will Smith! If that’s not a slap in the face I don’t know what is.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, run slashing .279/.326/.494. Jung like a Josh! Hitting close the .400 since his return from the IL and you better believe I’m owning him everywhere next year.

Evan Carter – 1-for-2, 2 runs, HR (3), 3 RBI. Get Carter! Good rec for you Sly Stallone stans. Just when we though the Rangers were done, Evan Carter says nope, not today! Hitting .324 in the past week with 12 runs, 3 homers and 3 steals and yeah you should add him? Or are you waiting for the season to end first?

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, HR (32), slashing.333/.393/.643. Last week I said the Rangers look c00ked. Now they’re in first place again, I think that offense is one to beat. Baseball be funny like that. That’s showbiz, baby!

Cole Ragans – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, 4 BB, 5 K, 7th win, ERA at 3.31 ERA. Compare Cole’s win total versus Zack Greinke, who has just one win in 13 more starts and maybe this starting pitcher thing is more important than we let on. Ragans gets the Tigers next week and yah Streamonator likes it, and so do I!

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, HR (17). He’s batting .208 with two bombs in the past week. He’s got a chance for 90 RBI and its amazing what being in the heart of the Astros line up can do for a guy.

James McArthur – 1.2 IP, 1 hit, 2 K, SV (2). Ignore his 5.59 ERA, he’s hasn’t allowed a run all September, nine appearances, 2 saves and 13/0 K/BB. We salute you General McArthur and with the Royals hitting he could be one of the best adds for saves in the final week! Make it happen!

Alex Kirilloff – 1-for-2, HR (10), 3 RBI. For a team that rosters injury-prone stars like Royce Lewis, Byron Buxton, and Kiriloff, it’s a wonder we were so surprised when they went so hard for Carlos Correa. The Twins got a type, ya’ll!

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4, HR (12). Not all O’Hoppe is lost, Angels fan(s)!

Pablo Lopez – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, BB, 7 K, 11th win (ELEVEN). My strategy of drafting all Twins starters did not let me down this year and with Paddack looking real sexy in rehab, methinks I’m gonna double down in 2024, too!

Ken Waldichuk – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, 7 K, 4th win. He gets a favorable match up with the fallen Angels next week. Imagine if your fantasy season comes down the an A’s starting pitcher? Thought and prayers.

Sawyer Gipson-Long – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 3 BB, 4 K, 2.40 ERA, 1.07 WHIP. Another starter on a bad team with a primo match up next week versus the Royals, this ones got a cool initial nickname, SGP. Streamonator likes it but the Royals have been scary these past few weeks. I might consider the prospect of maybe thinking about mulling over the possibility of contemplating whether or not I should review the option of potentially picking him up. I still don’t know for sure though!

Brent Rooker – 1-for-3, 2 runs, HR (29). Grey told you to BUY this dime store Rooker! Cheapest dongs in the Red Light district!

Esteury Ruiz – 1-for-1, 2 RBI, 2 SB (63). You’d think a player who sits against righties wouldn’t be valuable but four steals in the past week makes him a SAGNOF poster boy, and with Tony Kemp leaving the game with injury Ruiz could see everyday at bats in the final week. That could mean like 10+ steals! *swoons*

Manny Machado – 4-for-4, 2 HR (30), 3 RBI. Macho Manny with twin bombs and the Pads are rolling. Must be those CityConnect’s everyone hates but me. Dude is hitting .353 in the past week, and if this is what tennis elbow looks like does he really need that offseason surgery? I mean really? Keep doing what you’re doing!

Juan Soto – 3-for-4, run. If you’re gonna hit close to .500 in the H2H finals with 2 bombs and 11 RBI in the past week I can’t really stay mad at you. Soto is playing for a payday which is great news for San Diego baseball fans. The Dads have won eight in a row, nine of 10 and are just four games back of the WC with the lowly Cards, Giants and White Sox on tap for next week. The stage is set for the drama, folks!

Matt Waldron – 5.2 IP, 3 hits, ER, 2 BB, 9 K. Back to back impressive starts for Em-Dubs, and Streamonator hates his next but SoN doesn’t know Waldron like I know Waldron. I’m all in on the Pads this week!

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, RBI. Freddie became the first first baseman in history with more than 200 hits, 20+ homers and 20+ steals  in a season. That’s cool and all but have you seen what Matt Olson and Ronald Acuña are doing in Atlanta? Wild stuff!

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4, HR (15), 2 RBI. Carl’s Jr.’s Jr. serving up an extra juicy all beef patty! That pop would make pop pop proud!

Sean Manaea – 7.0 IP, 2 hits, 2 K, 7th win. Saving his best start for last. Glad I drafted you so high. You’re a real [expletive deleted]. He gets the ‘Dres next week and you can drop him like a Nick Chubb. I know, I feel bad for dropping Chubb, too, that’s my first pick, man. Should I send him flowers or something?

CJ Abrams – 2-for-4, (43). It’s sick how many teams I will own him on next year even though he’s burned me so many times. The ABRAMS-43 the Iwantem virus.

Charlie Morton – 1.0 IP, 2 BB, K. Left the game with index finger discomfort and will get an MRI. That’s what you get for pointing!

Austin Riley – 2-for-3, HR (37), 4 RBI. Los Bravos had three tanks in this one putting up nine on the hapless Nats. Riley is four RBI away from 100, and Olson, Acuña and Albies have already eclipsed the century mark. Ozuna also has 90 and could hit 100 with some. I did some terrible research and found that there’s only been a few other teams with five 100 RBI hitters including the 1936 Yankees. A number of teams have had four, anyone else want to do some digging? Vin!?

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, HR (36), 3 RBI. If it wasn’t obvious by now the Braves won.

Ronald Acuña, Jr. – 2-for-4, HR (40). Forty Bombs to Freedom and it feels Sublime! Grey just gave you his Ronald Acuña appreciation post, he wrote it while all hot and bothered. So I will save you from too much more gushing, but our beloved Tildaddy, alt-164 joins the coveted 40-40 club which includes some of the greatest fantasy monsters of all time: Bonds, Canseco, A-Rod and Soriano. Vlad Guerrero, Sr. and Matt Kemp also almost did it they’re in the 39-40 club, which is still a pretty cool club but you don’t get a jacket. However, this achievement would feel even cooler for Tildaddy if he didn’t already have 60 steals and was President and CEO of his own 40-60 club and soon to be the 40-70, possible even 40-75 club. How is this even an MVP race? I mean, I love Mookie Betts more than any man could love a human baby, but Ronny is on the best team in the league and leads the league in all the stats that matter, OBP and OPS, he has the most total bases, most hits, most runs scored and on top of all that, yes the 70 steals. Like, swiping bags just for funsies. So yeah, if I don’t have to argue against some of freak-of-nature playing two positions, then I don’t know how any player is more valuable than our golden junior daddy, Ronald Acuña, Jr. Cheers, to the best fantasy season in ever!

Good luck in the finals! I hope all your teams win equally! Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below.