(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
It’s the end credits of one of your favorite movies. You’re weeping, and snorting from tears. Then, just before you get up and trip on your neighbor’s feet, the screen comes back on. Up there, in bright lights, it’s Al Pacino and he says, “Hoo ha! Excuse me, Canha! That’s Mark Canha, and he’s been hot for the better part of the last week. Now, please be careful on your way out of the theater, and don’t trip on your neighbor’s feet.” You stand and applaud. Your claps echoing out. The Devil’s Advocate sequel was better than the original, you exclaim, as you head for the exit and trip over your neighbor’s feet. So, Mark Canha is hot, and worth rostering, and that’s what type of week it is. The type where it doesn’t matter what a guy can do in two weeks, just what he Canha right now. Thank you, Mr. Pacino. Now, how about a Gigli sequel? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! If you or anyone you know has breathed in a coal oven, you might be eligible for compensation–Wait, that’s not right. Oh, right: Fantasy Hockey kicked off! Viz needs some more writers, so if you or anyone you know has any interest, ping him in the comments over there. Also, our Fantasy Football Rankings last week were 4th best out of 200 rankers, according to Fantasy Pros. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:
BUY
Jake Rogers – “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighborhood, won’t you be, can’t you be, my neighbor? I promise not to step on your toes.” That’s Mr. Rogers. Also, this is kinda funny, in a non-funny way. On the Player Rater, Jake Rogers moved from the 30th best catcher last week to around 16th. That’s how few good catchers there are. If you’re a catcher and have a good week, then you’re worth drafting in a 15-team league.
Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Went to the CES trade show with my newest product called The Dumb Bell! It looks and acts like a dumb bell, but it manages a MLB team.
Dominic Smith – Can’t look at Dominic Smith without thinking how I bet actual money on him to lead the majors in homers last year, when he ended up with a total of zero homers.
Carlos Santana – Oye como yay!
Michael Massey – Guy in front of me in trig, who I used to cheat off of, that was Michael Mathy. Different cat. Massey is a Royals’ middle infidel who’s actually been hitting for power recently.
Jeff McNeil – This is a good week to find a hot middle infidel. Sadly, the corner infidels are like the Taliban but worse.
Edouard Julien – Yes, another 2nd baseman. By the way, I could see myself making some seriously misguided decisions with Twins hitters next draft season. This is for this week, but I like Julien, in general.
Miguel Rojas – You know it’s the final week of pickups when I’m telling you Miguel Rojas is worth your time.
Elvis Andrus – Went to look at the Player Rater to confirm my suspicions that Andrus was more valuable than Tim Anderson, and he was. But also: HA! They were both awful all year.
Ronny Mauricio – No matter how cursed the Mets are, and they’re cursed: *screaming obscenities at the Mets* See? I still want to believe in their prospects.
Mark Vientos – Continuing thought from Mauricio’s blurb: I will never learn.
Oswaldo Cabrera – Unlike the Mets, who I think will be going with some prospects next year, I don’t believe the Yanks learned any lesson this year. They’re playing prospects now, but I’m expecting them to sign guys like Soler, Enrique Hernandez and Paul DeJong.
Robbie Grossman – Future Yankee, Robbie Grossman! Where he will become their three-hole hitter, protecting Aaron Judge. How do I know I have a problem? I’m already excited for 2024. Fantasy Baseball truly is the proverbial “bike learning.” I fall off each year, and keep getting back on.
Johan Rojas – He’s been hot, and has speed. You know who Johan Rojas also is? A guy you draft around pick 500 in a draft & hold and get excited about it, then play him maybe one week a year. This week!
Nelson Velazquez – Royals have never missed on an outfield prospect. *covers ears and makes loud humming noise while you list all the Royals misses*
Richie Palacios – “A palace made out of Richies” is what his name translates to. See, I took 13 years of Spanish.
Brenton Doyle – I give Bud Black plenty of crap, and he deserves so much more! With that said (Grey’s not going to actually defend Bud Black, is he?) he did play Doyle pretty much the entire year after he was called up, and he kinda did nothing with the opportunity. The days of no Rockies hitter ever hitting below .250 is way in the past.
Brent Rooker – From Brenton to Brent, that means the next guy will be Bre. *looking below* Nope, I guess not. Brent Rooker is all about April and September like Exposé singing Seasons Change.
Jordan Wicks – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to JP Sears.
JP Sears – This is also a Streamonator call. “Do you know the store, Sears? I loved their electronics department. Met some lifelong friends there.”
Collin Snider – From Royals reliever who sounds made-up to Aroldis to General James McArthur, they’re all on the board if you need saves. If you’re desperate enough, you might even want to look at guys like Brusdar Graterol or A.J. Minter, not because they’re the closers for their teams, but playoff-bound teams might want to rest their closers in the final few days.
SELL
Everyone – Stop looking for an “everyone” on your fantasy team. Everyone isn’t a person, it’s everyone. Keanu, “Whoa.” You can’t wait for some phantom hot streak that may or may not come. I’d drop everyone this final week-plus if they’re not performing. This is also a drop for all starting pitchers on any teams that have already made the playoffs and might only see a few innings in the next week. In general, I can’t imagine any playoff-bound starter getting more than five innings. When I see Justin Verlander only throwing, like, 70 pitches, I know we’re in uncharted territory for trying to rest starters. This uncharted territory on maps is named: Even-Dusty-Baker-Is-Pulling-Starters-After-70-Pitches-Land. It’s between the Arabian Sea and H2Hplayoffsistan. There’s no time to wait! You need to do whatever it takes to win your league! Don’t be afraid of success! Be the hero you always dreamt yourself to be! Be a bright, shining star who is able to win a fantasy baseball league! Be the man you see when you look in the reflection of your computer screen while your fantasy team page is loading!
