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Please see our player page for Jose Urquidy to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

You have seven days. [click] Maybe you’re a fan of The Ring or Ringu or Scary Movie (they’re all basically the same, right?), and you know the plot device well: there’s a limited amount of time for you to achieve a goal, or you’re out of the picture. This is where we’re at in the fantasy season — you gotta go matchup by matchup, regression be damned. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Rubbing balloons on my head to get a lot of static on them, then sticking them to my ceiling. Hiring a deejay to play Shakira songs and getting cupcakes prepared, because…? You know why! It’s time for a Star Mitzvah! Zack Gelof went 4-for-5 with two homers (7, 8). That’s in only 25 games! Could Zack Gelof be having his Star Mitzvah? He is Jewish, so there’s a case to made that he’s already had his chair lifted above his uncle’s head, while said uncle was wheezing and out of breath. *looking at Zack Gelof’s stats before writing out the check for $18 for his Star Mitzvah* Oh, hold up. Wow, his numbers are awful. Is that Z-Contact% the worst in the majors if he qualified? A 65% contact rate?! Wait, why is anyone throwing him strikes? Because they don’t know to not throw him strikes, is my guess. Plus, they’re pitching around Gelof for what reason? It’s the A’s. So, Zack Gelof looks like he has good speed and power, but he might struggle to hit .200 once things normalize. Oh, crap, and I already sent invites for Gelof’s star mitzvah. Awkward! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Seattle Mariners, or as they’re known in the Pacific Northwest “Seattle’s Best Club,” are calling up their 24-year-old right-hander, Bryce Miller. Last thing Itch said on Miller was, “His time is nigh, but he’ll need something to go wrong in a stacked rotation.” El oh el. Not at Itch, but at the M’s. Um, go wrong in their rotation? If their only crack was in Robbie Ray’s pants. Itch said earlier in the preseason in his top 75 prospects rankings, “If you’re looking for a deep-sleeper starter late in a draft-and-hold format, it might be Miller time. A 4th round pick in 2021, Miller has chugged right through the minor leagues and figures to open this season in Triple-A after posting a 1.05 WHIP in 50.2 innings across ten Double-A starts in 2022. The main worry is that he goes the way of Matt Brash. His delivery isn’t as low or unbalanced (reliever-y) as Brash’s, but he too is a fastball-slider dominant pitcher getting kind outcomes in a kind setting. Speaking of kind, ever wanted a Kind Bar truck to fall on Grey?” What the heck! Miller’s command looks crazy wonky, but it was decent this year in 19 2/3 IP (1.4 BB/9). He looks closer to a 3.5 BB/9 or higher, which smells of trouble. His strikeouts should be around 8.6-9.1 K/9. On the “oh crap that’s bad” side, he could go 3.5 BB/9 and 8.5 K/9 and be a 4.50+ ERA guy. On the “oh, daddy, that’s nice, I’m appreciative of your love” side, he could have a 9+ K/9 and 2 BB/9 and be a strong number two. Like in the carnival game “water gun used to blow up the balloon in the clown’s mouth,” aim your expectations for the middle. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Spencer Strider is the best starter, right? I’m asking, because his mustache clouds my judgment. I know Everywhere Blair has Spencer Strider ranked number one in his top 100 starters, but Blair might get clouded by the mustache too. His mustache is very beautiful. More beautiful than mine? Who is to say? Yes! Fine, I am saying it. It is more beautiful than mine. I feel like it’s Rollie Fingers, Spencer Strider then Me. That’s it. That’s my mustache rankings. I’m not even number one for my own mustache rankings! I am pitiful! My best pitchers in baseball rankings likely start at Spencer Strider too. Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.80. His ERA might be a little bit higher than Gerrit Cole’s. Strider is basically Jacob deGrom but without seven straight years of being unable to throw more than 75 IP. Strider is Ohtani, but without the 35-homer bat. Okay, that’s pretty good for Ohtani. I’m on the Struggle Bus going choo-choo like I’m on a train, because Strider’s mustache has me so mesmerized, trying to come up with a legit top five starters based on stuff alone. Eff it! Top 5 of the top of my head based on stuff and nothing else: Strider, deGrom, Ohtani, Greene, and Strider’s Mustache. Strider ranks twice in five starters! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Yesterday, Jarred Kelenic (2-for-4) hit his 3rd homer in three games. Sonavabench x 3! Incredible! This is shaping up to be the worst sonavabenching in the history of sonavabenchings. Kelenic does something for the first time in three years and he’s on my bench! Why is this my life? This home run went 482 feet! That’s almost 147 meters! That’s the longest homer in Wrigley in the Statcast era. Could the breakout be happening? Is this the gorgeous we were once promised? Is this like watching the plastic bag in American Beauty? To me, it’s slightly comical that Jarred Kelenic is being labeled as “THE BREAKOUT IS HERE” while in the exact same game Cody Bellinger (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd home run and it’s like, “Meh, whatever. He can eat a D.” For those who are thinking, “Yeah, okay, you’re handsome and all, but Kelenic is hitting .351 and Cody Bellinger is hitting .238.” Kelenic is hitting .351 in 37 ABs. Difference between him and Cody is about four hits. He has a 44% Whiff rate on breaking pitches, and a 40% whiff rate on offspeed pitches. I want the Kelenic breakout as much as anyone (hopefully it can start next Monday, though), just trying to put an ounce of realism here in our fantasy. Like when Penelope Cruz is still bored in your dreams when you talk about your fantasy teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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Looking at the overall 2023 fantasy baseball rankings, the top 80 starters for 2023 fantasy baseball is from around 200 overall to 275 overall, which is just about the end for 12-team mixed leagues. This is your late fourth, mostly fifth thru the beginning of the sixth starters. This is just about it for 12 team leagues, though the last tier in this post is still in 12-team league territory, so you’ll have to wait until the next post to finish off that tier. Don’t worry, on that next post, I’ll be by with another 70-ish pitchers for those in deeper leagues, and/or dynasty and keeper leagues. Or for those that just like to read about fantasy baseball while the world burns around them. I fall into that latter camp. Our subscriptions are up and running, and that comes with our online Fantasy Baseball War Room — now for auction drafts, AL-Only, NL-Only, Best Ball and more. Here’s Steamer’s 2023 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Hitters and 2023 Fantasy Baseball Projections for Pitchers. All projections included here are mine, and where I see tiers starting and stopping are included. Anyway, here’s the top 80 starters for 2023 fantasy baseball:

NOTE I: All my rankings are currently available on Patreon for the price of a Starbucks coffee, if you get one of those extra grande frappuccino jobbers. Don’t wait for the rankings to come out over the next month, and get them all now.

NOTE II: Free agents are listed as just that and not yet projected. Once a guy signs, I will write out their blurb and add in projections, or remove them, if they sign in an unfavorable place. They are ranked currently where I think they might be if they sign on for a full-time job.

GO BACK TO THE TOP 60 STARTERS FOR 2023 FANTASY BASEBALL

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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From Trade Deadline insanity with Juan Soto to a new Royals’ middle infielder. Is that a sad trombone playing Narco by Blasterjaxx, the come-out music for Edwin Diaz? Not cool! By the way, if you don’t know Narco, you should. It’s trumpetilicious. So, with Whit Merrifield shipped off, uh, shipped towards Toronto, not sure if he can get in there, Michael Massey (2-for-3) was called up, and could see at-bats at 2nd base for the Royals. Why do we care, am I right? “Give it to me straight, Grey, I don’t have time for too much jibber-jabbering!” That’s you. Fair enough, Massey was a top 100 prospect for Itch, and he said, “Can argue for Michael Massey higher than this (in the rankings), especially if you’re seeking short-term help. He’s been a successful hitter his whole baseball life: something I always like to see. It’s rarer than you might think. Much rarer than Grey saying something dumb.” That’s not nice, man! In 33 Triple-A games, Massey went 7/4/.325 with a 24.5% strikeout rate, but he’s a high hit tool guy. Kinda reminds me a young Benintendi. Call him Youngintendi. For now, just 15 team mixed league worthy or deeper, but the monocle is on the cyclops. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?