Yesterday, Jarred Kelenic (2-for-4) hit his 3rd homer in three games. Sonavabench x 3! Incredible! This is shaping up to be the worst sonavabenching in the history of sonavabenchings. Kelenic does something for the first time in three years and he’s on my bench! Why is this my life? This home run went 482 feet! That’s almost 147 meters! That’s the longest homer in Wrigley in the Statcast era. Could the breakout be happening? Is this the gorgeous we were once promised? Is this like watching the plastic bag in American Beauty? To me, it’s slightly comical that Jarred Kelenic is being labeled as “THE BREAKOUT IS HERE” while in the exact same game Cody Bellinger (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 2nd home run and it’s like, “Meh, whatever. He can eat a D.” For those who are thinking, “Yeah, okay, you’re handsome and all, but Kelenic is hitting .351 and Cody Bellinger is hitting .238.” Kelenic is hitting .351 in 37 ABs. Difference between him and Cody is about four hits. He has a 44% Whiff rate on breaking pitches, and a 40% whiff rate on offspeed pitches. I want the Kelenic breakout as much as anyone (hopefully it can start next Monday, though), just trying to put an ounce of realism here in our fantasy. Like when Penelope Cruz is still bored in your dreams when you talk about your fantasy teams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. …and the Teoscar goes to…*opens envelope*…crap, this is my neighbor’s mail.

Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Just spent longer than I want to admit (7 minutes) trying to figure out if Gilbert’s velocity was back up for his four-seamer. The conclusion I came to is, yes, his four-seamer is fine.

Dansby Swanson – Says he should be ready to return on Friday. In my head, I heard, “Oneil Cruz will only miss three months and 28 days more.”

Lenyn Sosa – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer in his first game. Welp, I’ve seen enough! I tried to grab him everywhere. Itch just gave you his Lenyn Sosa fantasy, and perhaps I was too low on him for his projections. No idea what happens when Tim Anderson returns, but worth crossing that bridge when someone asks for a toll.

Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.00. He had five Ks through two innings, and I thought we were about to see The Resurrection of Giolito. Ended up a solid bounce back if not all the way there. His velocity was up on the slider, had been 83 and was up to 85, which seemed to make a big difference. You know how quick you need to react in your leagues, so this is either something to monocle or maybe you make a low-ball offer for him.

Byron Buxton – Collided with Lenyn, when he was Stalin in the basepaths, and upended his means of production. Twins sound confident Buxton will be fine and collision with Lenyn won’t lead them to be Putin him on the IL.

Kyle Farmer – Was hit by a pitch in the mouth and will need dental work. 10 out of 10 dentists agree, don’t get hit in the face by a fastball.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.53. At least one Gray’s not disappointing. *swivels heads towards mirror* Do you hear me?

Griffin Canning – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks as he returns to the mound for the first time since mid-2021. He was dealing with a lower back stress fracture, which is one of those things that sounds as painful as it likely is. Last time Canning was around he was an interesting backend fantasy starter with upside. Borderline 9 K/9, terrible command, and potential. In most mixed leagues, I’d leave him to Streamonator for now, but could see him getting on radars.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Soler is featured on this week’s Buy, Sell, Hold video that is already up on our YouTube channel, even if it won’t be on-site until tomorrow.

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.63. Since he only allowed one walk, I’m swallowing a noisemaker and doing cartwheels.

JT Brubaker – Underwent Tommy John surgery. Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting said, “Do we have to pay for that?”

Ji-Hwan Bae – 0-for-2 and his 3rd steal. Keep going back to him, because he’s so underrated for what he can provide. He’ll be in tomorrow’s Buy column, which is available already on Patreon, but Bae’s here now.

Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 7.20. Dick Mountain’s going to be pitching when he’s so old he’s gonna be Impotent Speed Hump.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Bregman’s back! Which is to say he’s a 24-27 homer guy with no speed and a .270 average.

Corey Julks – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. People who ignored him? Julks on you!

Jose Urquidy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.35. Ratios look purdy so far, but Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t disagree.

Chas McCormick – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th steal, as he hits leadoff. Marmos just gave you his weekly steals column, and if you need SANOF, you should be Chas’ing steals.

Max Muncy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, and now four homers in two games. Call him David, because Muncy is a Giant killer.

Trayce Thompson – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. “You got a fast car, I want a ticket to hit a home run run anywhere.” That’s Trayce Chapman Thompson.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. When the Rays last lost, you had a full head of hair and were still paying rent to your mom to stay in her basement.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he was called up. Watches Taj casually throw 96 MPH, eyes bulge, drool hangs from lip, uses drool to spell out the word “Drool.” My drool is working for Facebook, because it’s meta. I’m willing to grab Taj Bradley in all leagues to see if he can continue in the rotation, because, honestly, why not?

Chris Sale – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 11.25. Someone get Chris Sale out of the Instant Pot, he’s already cooked!

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was in the camp of worrying a little bit on Devers coming into this year, but I’ve been proven wrong. First time ever!

Drey Jameson – 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.46, as he threw 54 pitches, and 36 of them for strikes. Would’ve been nice to get him to the fifth inning, but the Dbags are stretching him out, so it’s all good, and: Giddy up!

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I love me some dynamic fast-as-shizz Corbin Carroll, who has power, but move him to leadoff!

Lourdes Gurriel – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer since 2021. I think. Might be wrong there. Incredible three-hole hitter you got there, DBags.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Who played T.J. Rooker on TV? Was it Shatner or Heather Locklear? I always confuse them. Wait, don’t tell me, I can guess if you tell me if it was Shatner who played Amanda on Melrose Place.

Nick Maton – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I would say hot schmotato alert, but no one is picking up Nick Maton. Phil Maton wouldn’t even pick up Nick Maton.

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Carpenter shouted at Kiermaier, “Try to bring that one back!” Carpenter actually hit two 400-foot outs the night before. So, he’s a few feet away from having three homers in two days and having Quentin Tarantino desire him.

Matt Manning – Hit the IL with a right foot fracture. Tigers haven’t had good luck since 1984.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. One love to EdRod, but I’m not sure I’d start him in most mixed leagues even if the Streamonator liked him.

Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.35. While it’s still fresh in your head, think about how you drafted Gausman two rounds after everyone else took a number one starter, and how they were all like, “You didn’t draft enough pitching.”

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.14 vs. Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.38. This matchup was billed as, “My God these guys are both so beautiful, and I’m not even talking about Strider’s mustache right now.”

Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Hey, yo, ma, Pasketti, just hit that ball into orbit, because, hey, yo, he talks with his hands!

Brad Keller – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Up’s down, black’s white, dogs love cats, and every Royals’ starter is excellent. Guess praise could go to the new Royals’ pitching coach, Brian Sweeney. Not entirely sure how he got dogs to love cats though.

Corey Seager – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Put your shortstop in bubble wrap; they’re not safe!

Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Between Brandon and Josh, right now Nathaniel’s the Lowe man.

Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.32. Hey, psst, starters on my team? Stop stinking up the joint!

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper with some pop and less fizz!

Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.25 vs. Blake Snell – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.62. The extra Ks are nice from Snell, but it truly is amazing how terrible he is at being economical with pitches, and just ratios, in general. I wonder what people would think of Snell if he never won that Cy Young.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Albombso!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. As Don Was once sang, “Open the door, get on the floor, everyone should walk Francisco Lindor.”

Adam Ottavino – 1 IP, 0 ER, 1.80 ERA, and his 1st save, as David Robertson (1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 0.00 ERA) got a Hold, which is nice if any of the leagues where I have Robertson counted Holds or Hugs or Cuddles or what have you.

Clarke Schmidt – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.44 vs. Peyton Battenfield – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.93. As frequent commenter, Long Bawls said, “Clarke Schmidt vs. Peyton Battenfield sounds like two guys competing to tear down the old rec center to put up a condo building unless the ragtag neighborhood kids can somehow win the dance-off against the snotty prep school.”

Franchy Cordero – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 4th homer in five games. Incredible. There should be some sort of rule that a post-post-post-post-post-hype guy can’t finally break out with the Yanks. It’s unfair! Any hoo! At worst, he’s a hot schmotato alert!

Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. It’s not gonna be beautiful, but Profar has all the makings of a being a top 120 overall fantasy player, who is worth rostering even if you think he’s super boring.

Nolan Jones – Called up by the Rockies. He’s hitting .359 in Triple-A and has six homers in 10 games. Oh, he is absolutely never playing! Will not happen! Bud Black needs to get Charlie Blackmon at-bats. There is way too much riding on the one-year deal with Profar! They gotta make sure Profar can get another deal next year with another team. Sorry, Nolan Jones, maybe come back when you’re 32 and have done poorly in a few other cities.

German Marquez – Hit the IL with forearm inflammation. If he’s lucky, he needs to miss the next two years and returns with the Rays.

Jack Flaherty – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.76. Sonavabench! Can my guys please pitch poorly in Coors then not elsewhere? Is that too much to ask?

Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Meh, whatever. I’ve already given up on him. Can’t wait around a full 12 games into the season!

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two days. You see my thoughts on Tommy Edman in the video at the top of the page. He is getting Wally Pipp’d.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. My great-great-uncle left me the feather William Ellery used to sign the Declaration of Independence. Here, let me show you, it’s over by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4, 1 run as he tied a 111-year-old record by extending his hitting streak to start his career to 12 games for someone who is 21 years old or younger. As someone who remembers when the 111-year-old record was set, Jordan Walker better. The original record was set by the Philadelphia A’s, Eddie Murphy. Who was also famous for telling his teammates about this girl who wanted to party all the time.