I love baseball. Probably an unhealthy obsession. As much as I love baseball, I somehow manage to hate so many things MLB does. Lots and lots of things. Having games in Seoul, South Korea, a week before every other team plays? Having the Dodgers/Padres play in two games over there then return to play Spring Training games? Those things I can’t get mad about. If they want to grow the game in Asia, sending the Dodgers is likely the best way. Plus, who doesn’t love Graham Pauley? Koreans, get your Graham Pauley shirts before they’re all sold out! Also, as much as I love baseball and am fine with the Dodgers and Padres playing in South Korea, you can’t expect me to stay up until 3 AM my time to watch. I need my beauty sleep! So, Jackson Merrill starting? Yay! Tyler Wade starting? Lowercase yay! Shohei Ohtani already in midseason form? Break me off a piece of Yum-Yum Bar! Though, I hear he bet I’d call it a NomNomNom Bar. Wait! Don’t say that in relation to Shohei Ohtani, the future star of the Birmingham Barons. Of course, Ohtani signed with the Dodgers, he can’t resist Betts. In case you haven’t heard, Ohtani’s translator was busted for allegedly stealing $4.5 million from Ohtani to cover gambling debts. Well…Initially, Ohtani transferred $4.5 million to cover bets by Ippei. Then, Ohtani’s reps said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, you did what? You can’t cover bets!” So, Ippei stole $4.5 million from Ohtani without anyone knowing. Wink, wink. It’s all good! Nothing to see here! Ohtani isn’t betting on Glasnow’s first injury being on June 13th. That’s all lies! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in Spring Training for 2024 fantasy baseball:
Eury Perez – Dealing with a sore elbow. Every rose has its thorn, every cowboy sings a sad…[starts to sputter] sad…[begins to weep] song…[sobs uncontrollably] WHAT?! He had a cracked fingernail, which was bad enough, but I was like, “Listen, go for a mani-pedi, it makes everything better, I saw that on Sex In The City,” but then a sore elbow? Daddy goes sad. He was moved in the top 60 starters for now, but he has a better chance of being deleted from the rankings before being drafted by me. Right now the Marlins’ rotation looks like Jesus Luzardo, AJ Puk, Trever Rogers, Max Meyer, and your 8th grade science teacher. None of them, besides Luzardo and Puk, can throw more than 60 IP, and they’re the only two of interest too.
Woo-Suk Go – Sent to the minors. So, Go was more Suk than Woo.
Tyler Wade – Won the strong side of the 3rd base platoon after Aaron Judge put in a good word for him. Pauley is on the weak side. This is a temp situation like when you worked the front desk for a law firm and couldn’t get their names straight. Machado will move back to 3rd at some point soon.
Gavin Stone – Named the Dodgers’ 5th starter. Writing was on that wall for a while. Now to see if the writing is on a filthy bathroom stall or is like a Banksy. He was updated a few weeks back in the top 100 starters.
Eduardo Rodriguez – Left Tuesday’s game with a lat injury, and will be moved in the rankings when I hear something. A lat injury is less concerning than an arm injury, so I might still be in on him. Likely so, unless it’s severe.
Blake Snell – Signed with the Giants. Blake Snell can opt out of his contract after this year. Yeah, yeah. Smart stuff. Test the market. Who knows, maybe he can win 30 games, another Cy Young, the World Series and then wait until 3 days before the season to sign a one-year deal. Park’s good, division isn’t great, yet he’s been great and awful in equal measures whether the park is good or not or if the division is good or not. What I said before the update in the top 20 starters still applies. I’m out, but glad he signed finally.
Gerrit Cole – Yanks said he’s out 10-12 weeks. So, I’m here to give you the bad news. Call me Bad News Benny. If he needs Tommy John surgery, he’s missing 2024 and 2025, whether he has the surgery today or in July. It doesn’t hurt them to wait until July. If rest and rehab works for Cole, and he can come back and give the Yanks 100 IP this year, it would be a miracle. I moved him in my rankings, but he’s only a last round flyer in a 12-teamer, if you want to sit on a miracle in your IL slot.
Danny Jansen – Jays are saying he has a broken bone between his wrist and hand. Hey, I’m no doctor, but I’m currently looking at my hand and wrist and I don’t see a bone between the two. Am I missing a bone? Jays say he’ll miss two weeks. Holding them at their word, there’s no reason to move him in the rankings. He was already low enough in my catchers rankings.
Jordan Romano – Dealing with elbow inflammation. Oh, just that little nugget! Erik Swanson, where art thou–Oh, Swanson has forearm tightness. Can Joey Votto close? Yimi Garcia, a Canadian nation turns its lonely eyes to you. For now, I haven’t updated anything because I don’t know the severity of the injuries. I’d prolly wait a few rounds and take a discount on Romano still throwing cheese and being grateful.
Adam Duvall – Signed with the Braves. “Sigh.” That’s Snitker realizing he actually has to change the lineup card when the Braves face lefties. So, this basically kills all Duvall value, and he was removed from the top 100 outfielders, and, honestly, I think it helps Kelenic. You didn’t want him facing lefties, trust me.
Reynaldo Lopez – Named the Braves’ 5th starter. Saw this coming from a mile away too. The problem here is how long does he actually stay the 5th starter. A month or a season or somewhere in-between? I like the flyer though.
Michael Kopech – Moved to the bullpen. Hol’ up! Hol up! The White Sox actually made a smart move? You joking. Mr. Chicken? So, Kopech was removed from the top 100 starters, but actually moved up in the top 500 and I wouldn’t be shocked to see him get saves.
TJ Friedl – Displaced wrist fracture. But besides that? Things are going great for the Reds! Somehow they went from “too many guys there, not enough at-bats to go around” to “I wonder if Nick Martini gets at-bats.” So, all outfielder rankings are updated. I moved Friedl to top 80 outfielders, and like I say there, he’s just a flyer, and I think my new projections for a guy with a wrist fracture might be optimistic.
Matt McLain – Has a strained. Dot dot dot. You name it. McLain’s at this point getting MRIs just to get his stamp card punched. For a month straight, Matt McLain’s prognosis has been “We’ll know soon.” He’s gotta be the record holder for “We’ll know soon.” If not, soon. How bad is McLain’s injury? The Reds traded for Santiago Espinal. So, finally moved McLain down in my 2nd basemen rankings. It was overdue, but I was trying to wait to hear an actual timetable. Sucks because I really wanted McLain in every league. Oh well, last time I get excited for a middle infielder who sounds Irish. Now all aboard the Oneil train!
Wyatt Langford – Moved him up to the top 40 outfielders. My biggest problem in my Wyatt Langford fantasy that I wrote back in October (prolly wrote it in September if being honest) was whether he would break camp. Remember, he was the guy who I said should be the number one prospect off the board. Then Chourio signed a contract, and I kinda like him a tad more, but Chourio or Langford are a coin flip for the number one rookie this year. I love both. I have no qualms with you reaching for either.
Jhoan Duran – Out with a moderate oblique strain. Fun fact! When the oblique is strained, it makes this sound: Wooooooooooooooof. Like a sad dog. Medical professionals call it the Old Yeller. Docked Duran three weeks and updated the top 500, and bumped up Griffin Jax.
Domingo German – Signed with the Pirates. Wanna see all that’s wrong with the Pirates and even MLB? Pirates signed a piece of crap person, who is also not a great pitcher, just to suppress service time for legit pitching prospects. Shittiest part of Paul Skenes needing to work on fielding bunts or whatever lies the Pirates are saying, is pitchers have just so many bullets to throw, as we see every day with pitcher injuries. Skenes and/or Jared Jones will be wasting some of their best innings in the minors, and that sucks.
Michael A. Taylor – Signed with the Pirates. There’s no worse encapsulation of how garbage the Pirates organization is than this signing. Okay, fine, the Domingo German signing. MAT was added into the top 100 outfielders and Edward Olivares was updated.
J.D. Davis – Signed with the A’s. So, this is kinda funny in a sad, sad way that is only prolly interesting to me. I drafted Jonathan Davis Davis when he was on the Giants in my NL-Only league. Lost him there because he switched leagues, and I had Abraham Toro in my AL-Only league, who Davis is now blocking for playing time. No notes. Perfect. Any hoo! I’ve decided I’m not re-adding Davis to my 3rd basemen rankings out of spite. He’s an AL-Only play, anyway.
Kenley Jansen – Dealing with back tightness. I might be Mr. Pollyanna, the Pollyanniest, but if Kenley misses two weeks of the season, it’s nothing. He’s still going to get 25+saves and we won’t remember this injury by September.
Jose Urquidy – Dealing with a forearm strain. It happened when he was doing his patented, “No, Urquidy,” and pinching someone’s cheeks.
Jose Leclerc – Bruce Bochy took off his cap, shielded the world from the sun for a brief moment and named Leclerc the closer. Bullpen chart is updated.
Javier Baez – Ignore Spring Training stats, but Javy Baez has three singles in a month of action vs. the worst pitching he will see all year. He might hit .150 this year. This is not a joke. He is.
Gavin Williams – Found no structural damage to his elbow. “Great, so why am I not clapping?” is a fortune cookie I just read. Williams was lowered into the top 100 starters.
Kyle Manzardo – Was reassigned to minor league camp. Never really was high on him in my 1st basemen rankings, and, once again, I was proven to be a dynamically brilliant doode. Is it doode or dude? Siri, can you help?
Trevor Stephan – Had or will have elbow surgery (I’ve misplaced his calendar). He was removed from the top 500.
Josh Lowe – Dealing with an oblique injury and will miss part of April. You know how to avoid oblique injuries? Grow yourself a belly. Babe Ruth never had oblique issues! Lowe was updated in the top 40 outfielders. I still like him, just a tad less so.
Jake Odorizzi – Rays signed Odorizzi to a minor league deal. Actually, funny thing happened. Rays ordered breakfast, and instead of eggs over easy, got Jake. Silly gooses! This blurb was brought you by dad jokes.
