Imagine, if you will, a Vegas-style buffet but instead of King Crab Legs and Filet Mignon there’s top prospects as far as the eye can see. As you walk along, you pick up a Coby Mayo here, a Jackson Holliday there, a Gunnar Henderson here, a Adley Rutschman there, a Jordan Westburg here, a Colton Cowser there, a Connor Norby here, a Kyle Stowers there–Wait a minute, you call to the manager, Connor Norby and Kyle Stowers were 2nd round picks! What kind of establishment are you running here? I’m going to Rio where they respect my money and their half-off All You Can Pick Up Buffet of Ex-Dodgers Prospects Who They Traded for Middle Relievers proves it! So, Connor Norby (0-for-3, as he hit 9th) was called up by the Orioles. Maybe I’ve watched too many political documentaries but I 100% thought Connor Norby was a Republican strategist. “My name is Connor Norby and I’m for tax reform.” That is not him. Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this before: Orioles’ top prospect was hitting well in the minors–Stop! He had a line of 9/7/.286 in Triple-A in 206 ABs–Stop! His Ks have skyrocketed in Triple-A, and he might just be up until Jorge Mateo returns in 7-10 days…No stop? Hmm, bummer. Don’t drop anyone too crazy for Norby, the Luxor has a buffet deal on Prospects Being Promoted Soon When Deadline Trades Happen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Yeah, but he was a 3rd round pick! Raspberries lips! Uses hand under armpit to make farting noises! Juices a lemon into mouth to make sourpuss face! Though, two homers can go a long way to a hot schmotato.
Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .223. It takes real courage to hit in the middle of the O’s lineup all year and not produce great fantasy value. This is often overlooked. Though, even Santander is near-top 100 on the Player Rater.
Grayson Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Yeah, but every pitcher has an ERA under-3.00 so la di da!
John Means – Had his 2nd Tommy John surgery. Three more for a free one!
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .295. It is very hard to hit .295 and be a huge disappointment. Cake’s managing to pull it off. Prayer hands emoji that have glue on them and get stuck together.
Kevin Gausman – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.60. Ya know who the Jays are? The Mets. They are supremely cursed. The Curse of Ohtani’s Plane Is Headed to Toronto.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He had a juicy two-star week lined up but I wasn’t sure if he could throw enough innings after his last start of 3 IP and–Sonavabench!
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Easily in the top 50 on the Player Rater, and feels like he’s still underrated, and hasn’t gotten incredibly hot at any point. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo! That’s a buy low.
Keston Hiura – Released by the Tigers. Nice, now he has a chance to explore new opportunities. Like running a car wash.
Jake Rogers – 2-for-3 and his 3rd and 4th homer. Get that weak shizz out of Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood!
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.97. Eddie and the Cruisers’s Tender Years just came on my iTunes, and now I’m singing it to Tarik Skubal. Whoa, whoa Tarik Skubal….Won’t you wash away my tears…How I wish you were here…(On my fantasy team…)
Josh Lowe – Activated from the IL. Where I am with Josh Lowe: I’m not 100% convinced he is as good as he was last year, but also not giving up on him either. He needs to run like he did last year, and then we’re up-jump-the-boogie’ing again.
David Dahl – 2-for-3, 2 runs as he was called up by the Phils. Figured by now he was playing overseas. Maybe after this stint with the Phils Dahl will hit the Roald to Korea.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Marmos just gave you his top 100 starters, and he doesn’t have Wheeler at #1, which is just about the most disrespectful–Kidding. He has him at #2, which is the same diff. But — how dare he?!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-2 and a slam (10) and legs (2), hitting .243, as he returned back to Philly for the 1st time, receiving a Philly heroes’ welcome: slurs and flung batteries.
Robert Gasser – Headed for a 2nd opinion with elbow tightness. Every 2nd opinion is the same as the 1st opinion but with more bedside manner.
Mark Vientos – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Listen, the Mets are terrible. A bad, bad team, and not bad as in good. With that said, why wouldn’t you roster Vientos at this point? 11 homers in just under 200 at-bats between MLB and MiLB. Has a K% barely over 20% in the majors, and looks like something has clicked. Plus, Baty’s gone. When J.D. and Alonso are gone, Vientos is going to be hitting 3rd for the 2nd half.
Tylor Megill – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Megill and David Peterson have all the upside in the world, but they cannot achieve anywhere close to their expectations.
Jake Diekman – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.12, and his 2nd save. He entered to get Gallo out of the game, which worked. A real match of wits! The new Mendoza Line, named after the Mets’ manager, is the line that separates smart from dumb, and he’s below that line. Also, the Mets closer is still a committee.
MacKenzie Gore – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.57. Gore is the epitome of two steps forward, one step back. Gore would get off Apollo 11, say, “One small step for man, one giant–” Sneeze into his mask and trip down the stairs onto the moon.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Sometimes I like to think about people who thought Gallo would hit for a good average with the removal of shifts, and laugh.
Jose Urquidy – Sounds headed for his 2nd Tommy John surgery. “Cha-ching!” That’s Tommy John collecting another nickel.
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. 38 more to go! (Literally no chance of reaching 50.)
Alex Bregman – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .229, as he hits his 2nd homer in two games, third homer in four games, and fourth homer in five games. Not to Breg, man, but he’s on a scorcher.
Yainer Diaz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 1st homer since April 11th. “Hey, don’t be alarmed, but we had no straw, and the crows were eating our crops, so we propped him up in the field–Whoa! He moved! Yainer is alive!”
Kyle Tucker – Day-to-day with a shin contusion after fouling the ball into his leg and had to leave the game. Now is when we form a prayer parallelogram.
Nolan Gorman – 2-for-3, and his 12th and 13th homer, 3rd homer in two games, 5 homers in in the last week, and roughly five times I’ve told you to grab him in the last week, but have to assume he’s gone now.
Alec Burleson – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games, and second time I’m requesting your attention at how undervalued Burleson is. Schmotato, if you like.
Kyle Gibson – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.69 vs. Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.63. Funny how expectations distort reality. Gibson and Verlander are within sneezing distance of each other’s ERAs, but you expect nothing from Gibson, so he’s catching your eye, and Verlander is annoying you.
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Mehmer Blandelario, but he’s in Coors.
Tucupita Marcano – Being investigated for allegedly betting on baseball while he was on the Pirates’ IL. He would be banned for life if true. There goes his case for the Hall of Fame! Also, here’s a tweet of my TikTok video and it makes me crack up so much (make sure audio is on; it’s like AI can’t even pronounce it):
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 3, 2024
Manny Machado – 1-for-2 and a slam (6) and legs (4). Can you sell off the back of that? Then I’d consider it.
Matt Waldron – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98 vs. Tyler Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Streamonator had me going after both of these double-dippers. Guys and five girl readers, I became addicted to two-start starters this year. Can’t remember their allure as strong in past years. But I see them and go vroom vroom.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Some people say there’s no such thing as “hot” bats and “cold” bats. I think they’re talking about the winged creatures.
Ryne Nelson – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 5.44. As bad as last week’s random two-start starters were this week’s random two-start starters have been good so far–Damn, I just jinxed Saturday and Sunday’s starts from these guys.
Heliot Ramos – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games. Matos who?! The Giants’ top prospect who was recently called up. It’s a figure of speech, Random Italicized Voice. “Matos who” is a figure of speech?
Michael Conforto – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. You ever put a guy in your weekly lineup and know immediately it was gonna backfire with a loud farting noise?
Victor Robles – Signed with the Mariners. If there’s one place that can help Robles, it is most definitely not one of the worst parks and lineups. It means the Mariners are going to platoon Canzone and Cantfigureoutthezone.
