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Spencer Strider is the best starter, right? I’m asking, because his mustache clouds my judgment. I know Everywhere Blair has Spencer Strider ranked number one in his top 100 starters, but Blair might get clouded by the mustache too. His mustache is very beautiful. More beautiful than mine? Who is to say? Yes! Fine, I am saying it. It is more beautiful than mine. I feel like it’s Rollie Fingers, Spencer Strider then Me. That’s it. That’s my mustache rankings. I’m not even number one for my own mustache rankings! I am pitiful! My best pitchers in baseball rankings likely start at Spencer Strider too. Yesterday, he went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.80. His ERA might be a little bit higher than Gerrit Cole’s. Strider is basically Jacob deGrom but without seven straight years of being unable to throw more than 75 IP. Strider is Ohtani, but without the 35-homer bat. Okay, that’s pretty good for Ohtani. I’m on the Struggle Bus going choo-choo like I’m on a train, because Strider’s mustache has me so mesmerized, trying to come up with a legit top five starters based on stuff alone. Eff it! Top 5 of the top of my head based on stuff and nothing else: Strider, deGrom, Ohtani, Greene, and Strider’s Mustache. Strider ranks twice in five starters! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a double slam (2, 3) and legs (4). Somewhere, Bud Black is like, “Can’t believe they’re starting Hilliard. Don’t they have someone exciting to start like Mike Moustakas?” I don’t have a ton of faith in Hilliard, but this might be the start of a schmotato streak.

Eddie Rosario – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .194. I mock the Rockies, but the Braves’ outfield, except for Tildaddy, and DH is a little Rockies’ish with their leaning on old and kinda terrible hitters.

Sean Murphy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 6th homer, hitting .277. He’s basically a 30-homer catcher, and the Braves wanted to play The French Terminator. Said a’la Arnie, “I’ll be back…without my brain.”

Edward Cabrera – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.91. He’s a streamer at this point, and, in Atlanta, wouldn’t have been a place I’d call a Cab.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.20. Streamonator liked this start, and likes his next one, as well, and I agree, if you like adding in the human element.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .282. Jung man! *does the YMCA dance, but to spell out RBIs*

Nick Lodolo – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.31. Right now, the Rangers are an offense that is possessed. Think of Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. That’s how possessed the Rangers are. Call them the Texas Sigourneys.

Drey Jameson – Sent down to the minors. *pouring out some Irish whiskey* How much longer can they hold back Pfaadt? Is it an equipment issue? Can they not spell his name right for the jerseys? Tell the equipment manager, “If you ain’t Pfaadt, you ain’t nothing.”

Tommy Henry – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, as he was called up. Fun Fact! When Tom Hank’s speaking into the Pitchcom, he says, “Catch me if you can.”

Edward Olivares – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. I like Olivares, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Royals’ lineup is like nine guys who should be hitting 5th or lower.

Yordan Alvarez – Out with neck discomfort and it could lead to an IL stint. I was caught replacing Yordan Alvarez in my lineup with Aaron Hicks and my laughter slowly turned to tears, then loud sobs as I walked into the ocean.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. A.B. seein’ that ball later.

Jeremy Pena – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Anime Grey goes over him in the video at the top of the page, and I’d double down on the sell after a homer.

Jose Urquidy – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.64. Streamonator hated this matchup, but is slightly positive on his next one, and it feels very marginal.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Not saying this is “Kerry Wood striking out 20 guys” good start, but vs. the Astros? Man, I’ll take that kind of performance from a rookie.

Wander Franco – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .318, and he made a barehanded, over-the-shoulder catch that was reminiscent of David Wright’s, and, please let those similarities end.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.62. An announcer, “Please welcome…your AL All-Star Game starter…Gerrit Cole! But Sonny Gray was in the running back in April.”

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .243. A two-forty-three average from Gallo may as well be him hitting .400.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, and his 5th and 6th homer. Saw someone drop Rooker in one of my leagues, and I didn’t understand it at all. Not saying Rooker is a guarantee breakout, but he could be breaking out. He’s hitting third. Granted, it’s a bad team, but anyone hitting third is good for runs and RBIs. He’s got 70-grade power — had 19 HRs in only 61 games last year in Triple-A. Looking for this year’s Joey Meneses? This guy’s in the early lead.

Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-4, and his 3rd and 4th homer. He’s trying to get to Vegas where every street corner there’s someone with a sign with his name.

Jeurys Familia – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.73, and his 2nd save, and you have to be completely bizzonkers to think about picking him up on your fantasy team.

Brandon Drury – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Check out the Drury acting like the Judge! *snaps fingers in a Z formation* When Drury hits 12 homers this year, I wonder if anyone will get suspicious when the Reds try to trade this year’s (insert breakout that is completely fueled by Great American Smallpark).

Chad Wallach – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Damn, I picked up the wrong Angels’ O’Hoppe fill-in.

Nate Pearson – Was recalled by the Jays to work out of the pen. That recalling was featured on the TV show, Pearson of Interest.

Chris Bassitt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.82, but has figured out his season, and why I keep rolling out there, his opponent, Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.52, and keep saying stuff like, “Lynn’s just been unlucky! Right? Haha, someone tell me I’m right, please!”

Colin Rea – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 5.17. I saw the Streamonator was at zero on Rea and I was like, “Sure, but it doesn’t know how good he’s been!” Damn you, robot!

William Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .323. If you drafted both Contrerases in a 2-catcher league, you’d be a Contrerarian to doing well at catcher.

Nick Maton – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hits cleanup. Nick Maton: The Tigers’ run producer.

Matthew Boyd – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Thought I might need to look closer at Boyd, so I opened his player page to check out his stats, and “I did not need to see that,” as Valerie Cherish would say.

Alex Cobb – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.91, as he threw 109 pitches. Someone looked around, saw the faster games, the excessive steals, and said, “I’m gonna pitch like it’s the 1980s too.” Said like the Somalian in Captain Phillips, “I’m the Frank Viola now.” Cobb doesn’t look like he’s having a career year, according to his peripherals. That’s okay, he’s had years of a 2.76 ERA in 143 1/3 IP. He doesn’t need to exceed that. Just come close!

J.D. Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .304. While also simultaneously asking the question, “Hey, whatever happened to David Villar?”

Mitch Haniger – 0-for-2, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Read somewhere saying this was his highly-anticipated Giants’ debut, and that made me chuckle. Hope not too many are highly anticipating Haniger, because they’re raising their expectations way too high.

Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.81. He was utterly and completely out-pitched, but there’s no shame in that when the other guy throws a Complete Game Shutout. JoMo did what he had to do to stay on my fantasy teams. You’re welcome (to not crap the bed).

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .210. The Jurickson store said it’s out of that ball!

Cal Quantrill – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. Wonder if we could make some kind of deal with the Regression Fairies to not regress pitchers when they’re in favorable matchups that everyone is streaming.

Triston Casas – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Way to go, Homes!

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.22. His slider is not sliding, about eight inches of break vs. his career high of 14 and 2023 norm of 11 inches. Well, I said to sell him about ten days days ago. Now you’re gonna have to cut his price. Luckily, he has some scissors with him.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. With a lot of guys on pace for 50+ homers, I’m gonna say the ball is bouncy again this year, but have we heard? Seriously asking, I haven’t heard, has anyone?

Michael Busch – Called up. Stop trying to work your way into my life, Busch! You’ve gone woke! Busch is interesting, 25+ homer power, could hit .280+, but he’s just up while Muncy is away on paternity leave. So, unless Muncy’s baby mama is a giraffe and in labor for two weeks, it’s not worth a pickup.

Brusdar Graterol – Hit the paternity list along with Max Muncy. This comes after Evan Phillips was away for the birth of his child last week. Last year’s All-Star Game was at Dodger Stadium, but the real action was in the players’ bedrooms. The All-Star Break for players is like when a prisoner gets paroled. “Yo, I don’t need no Isaac Hayes. Keep on your lingerie. Just go into the bedroom, because Daddy wants to go to Horntown!”