Please see our player page for Trent Grisham to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

The baseball world got some disappointing news Friday night when San Diego Padres shortstop slash motorcycle rider slash drug user slash all around cool guy Fernando Tatis Jr. was handed a 80 game suspension by Major League Baseball after testing positive for performance enhancing drugs. WTF FTJ, PEDs!? SMH. I can think of some other […]

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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)

Dustin May aka The Giant Human Carrot last May yelled Mayday and everyone was like, “Okay, cool, he’s psyching himself up!” That was not it, he was calling for help. May, um, made the right choice to undergo Tommy John surgery. Better to ‘Suck it up, buttercup,’ and buy Dr. James Andrews an 18-inch Rolex to hang from his neck like Flavor Flav vs. trying to rehab by injecting fat from Bartolo’s ass into his arm. Now, 15 months later, May’s yelling Mayday once again, but this time it’s like Dre yelling Dre Day and he looks flat-out dominant in the minors during his rehab, and the Dodgers could use another starter. May, uh, may rejoin the Dodgers after one more rehab start. Usually don’t love the “pitchers returning from major injury” flyer, but May is an ace, and The Giant Human Carrot could be a difference maker the rest of the way. Remember, you’re no bunny ’til some bunny is eyeing your Carrot Top. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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Wowza, the last few days have sure been a wild ride and now we’re left to deal with the fallout. For Juan Soto, if anything, it changes his situation for the better because he’s now on a team that’s trying to win with a supporting cast to match. Not a whole lot you can do with this information if you don’t already have him because there’s no way another manager would give him up at this point. A new member of Sexy Dr Pepper’s is one of this season’s bigger surprises. Brandon Drury is in the midst of a breakout season but this move looks like it could be a downgrade for him. The park isn’t as hitter friendly but playing time could be a bigger concern with that stacked lineup. He can play all over defensively but he definitely has more competition now. I won’t say to dump him but I am keeping a close eye on how the lineups are constructed. Grey already went over all the trade deadline fallout and although not specifically points focused he goes over who gets a boost and who takes a dive from changing teams. Now let’s get on to some names to look for on the waiver wire.

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Engine revs. It’s the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile. Only instead of a Oscar Mayer hat on its front hood, it’s wearing a Padres cap. It’s staring down a lonely country road. Directly, a mile down, aimed right at it is the Dodgers’ team bus. The Dodgers’ team bus revs.

A half mile in front of each of them, at the midpoint is “1st place in the NL West.” What we have here is a game a chicken. Who will get there first? Behind the Dodgers’ team bus wheel is Magic Johnson. Behind the Padres’ pimped-out Weinermobile is the San Diego Chicken. “You’re going mano a chicken? With the Chicken?! This is not a game you want to play, Magic?” That’s the actor who played Magic in the Showtime series on HBO shouting at Magic. “A Showtime series on HBO? Are you talking riddles, Albright?!” That’s the voice inside my head. Back to the white hot asphalt! The San Diego Chicken guns it towards the Dodgers’ team bus! Magic slams down the gas!

Careening down the road, the Chicken bawks, “They need to lose some extra weight!” To get up to speed, the Padres throw out MacKenzie Gore, C.J. Abrams, Robert Hassell III, James Wood and Jarlin Susana. For Magic to get the Dodgers to increase speed, he throws out an anecdote about him hugging Isiah Thomas at half court. “You need more speed, Magic!” The actor who played Magic in the Showtime HBO series screams. Magic says, “Have you heard about the one of me and Clyde the Glide?” It’s not enough! The San Diego Chicken is the type that drives right towards a big trade and waits for the other team to swerve. It ain’t afraid — it accepts that Gore is sometimes necessary.

So, Juan Soto goes to the Padres. They have Manny Machado, Fernando Tatis Jr. and Sexy Dr. Pepper? Um…

Seriously…

Like seriously seriously…

Fun the Jewels, Macho Manny and Sexy Dr. Pepper. Guys and five lady readers, I am doing a horny. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Max Meyer is being called up. *does a highly-choreographed handshake with self that ends with me miming putting food in my mouth* We eating tonight! Three of the last four on Itch’s prospect stash list was Esteury Ruiz, Vinnie Pasquantino and Max Meyer. With Meyer’s promotion, they’ll all be up. Where you at, Miguel Vargas?! I already gave you a Max Meyer fantasy when it appeared like he’d be called up in May. Then he was sidetracked with an injury, but he’s healthy now and, like I said, we’re eating! Will he stay up if Edward Cabrera or Luzardo get healthy? If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d be diabetic squirrels. Meyer might be good for another 50-60 IP, which is nearly a full 2nd half, I grabbed him in my 15-team mixed league immediately, then hemmed-and-hawed for fifteen minutes, and finally grabbed him in my 12-team mixed RCL, too, but we’ll see if I hold him there. Pitchers are pretty plentiful to be holding a possible roofie. He could be the best starter call-up we see this year. *mimes filling a dog bowl, puts it by feet, gets on knees and sticks face in bowl* We eating! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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MidWeek MarmosDad is back! Happy almost-all-star-break, everyone! It’s been a pretty eventful week with all of the all-star announcements, home run derby news, and of course some soul-crushing injuries to report. None seem as big as Wander’s hamate pulling a checkmate on the youngster’s season. BUT don’t worry there’s a nice DFS replacement for him […]

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Yesterday, was not just our Independence Day. Yesterday, was the halfway point of the baseball season. So, Halfway to Independence from Jonathan India Day. You cannot tell me our forefathers just happened to put the Fourth of July on the exact midpoint of the baseball season by accident. They didn’t put hairspray on their platinum silver wigs like they were Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada and just happen to drop the doozy of the Declaration of Independence on baseball’s 81st game played just as a little oopsie-daisy on their Yankee Doodle like how your daddy did your mommy. No way! This is why baseball is the National Pastime. So, Happy 4th of July to even all you cowards who drafted starters early. Speaking of starters, Brayan Bello will start for the Red Sox this Wednesday. Bello will pitch for a scream. Take it Highlights, it’s yours! Bello was in the Itch’s top 50 starting pitcher prospects, saying, “Bello added strength and velocity over the lost minor league season and now features a mid-90s fastball with a little extra dotting the gun once in a while. He was successful enough before, as we’ve detailed in these pages, but now he’s striking out 36.9 percent of hitters in High-A and 31.1 percent in AA—a big jump from the 22.6 percent he posted in 2019. His fastball gets a bit too much for him to be a no-doubt starter unless he finds a nasty breaking ball to go along with his plus changeup. Would love to see him take that fastball and hit Grey.” Not cool, man! In a 15-team, mixed league, I grabbed him and I felt unhinged even as I was doing it, but I need something to Bello about. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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If you’ve prayed to the House of Mustache, knelt before the King of Knows-A-Thing, drank from the Fantasy Master Lothario’s Kool-Aid, wept into the Cup of What Am I Doing With Jose Berrios, farted in the direction of everyone who drafts a starter early, then you did not enjoy Gerrit Cole (7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.14) last night. No worries, we are here for each other during these difficult days. If one of you reading this had Cole go last night, I am screaming, “Infidel,” at you while spraying you with vape juice (it’s all I have handy). We must live together without the aces and die together without the aces. Y’all who are sneaking aces are cheating and you best sleep with your eyes open. If you really want to know how Cole’s doing (why?), he’s doing great. His peripherals look as great as they’ve been post-Spider Tack — 11.6 K/9, 2.4 BB/9, 2.73 xFIP. The best ever he’s looked? Meh, not really. That was in Houston. The best he’s looked with the Yankees? Borderline acceptable to say that. Honestly, he’s great. Remember, it’s not about us missing out on Cole, it’s about the guys we’re able to get later in place of him. For unstints, his opponent last night: Shane McClanahan (6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.81). Imagine seeing both Cole and McClanahanananananananan’s numbers this year and being like, “That’s why you draft Cole in the 1st round!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH.)

“Ayo, this is Joey in the People Interested in Zee Zee #1 Americans — aka PIZZA, we serve the people who serve it  — how may I direct your call? I’m very sorry, you’re looking for Tony — bada bing bada boom — he’s in charge of helping people put up Xmas lights. That department doesn’t open until August.” Phone rings with another call, “Ayo, this is Joey in the People Interested in Zee Zee #1 Americans — aka PIZZA, we serve the people who serve it. You’re wondering about Vinnie Pasquantino and Nick Pratto? Ayo, bada bing bada boom, letta me pull up Minor League Stats dot com, ayy, and see what we have here. Vinnie Pasquantino is 24 years old, and he’s got 15 HRs in 52 games at Triple-A. Ayy, what kind of cheap ess-oh-bees are these Royals they don’t promote my boy, Vinnie? I oughta date their sister and call her by my mother’s name to insult her, ya know whadda I mean? Vinnie’s also hitting .280+ with great contact? Va fangool! He should be up already? What, they need Carlos Santana? He should get sent to the Phils, so he can reunite with Rob Thomson. Okay, let me see this here Nick Pratto. Oh, he’s younger and his numbers are not nearly as good, and that hurts for me to say, being Joey, the Front Desk Ambassador at PIZZA. Yeah, I just like Vinnie Pasquantino right now. Ayo, waddya know, bada bing bada boom. Thanks for calling!” I agree with Joey from PIZZA. Vinnie Pasquantino should be called up soon, and Pratto looks like he needs more seasoning. Maybe some oregano? It’s not a stretch to say the Royals need a yoot movement. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

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So last week we decided to go hunting for mushrooms, Morel to be specific, and it appears we stumbled upon a few.  It was very nice to see the Farmer produce.  (Get it…Farmer/Produce). I’ll keep the comedy to the internet trolls whose keyboard commando skills rival no one.  It may be a little early, but even Stripling had a fantastic 1st start with his next start still TBD.  

Yes, it would appear that I am simply patting myself on the back, but for each nut that this blind squirrel finds, there is a Keegan Thompson start to bring me back to Earth.  Let’s be honest, we got lucky that Kimbrel’s wife went into labor so that Daniel Hudson could pick up a few saves.  With that being said, I focus my attention on Week 9 and which players/schedules are designed to help you Get Ahead In Head To Head.  And without further ado, let’s go from hunting shrooms to hunting for “he who dealt it”!

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