I know it’s stone fruit season, but check out the plums on the Diamondbacks! They called up Stone Garrett (2-for-3). Mean’s while, Corbin Carroll remains a stone’s throw away. What’s that all about? This guy may be Stone, but it’s still Rock and Carroll to me! Garrett’s numbers are goofy, and goofy is good. 28/15/.278 in 385 ABs should definitely get the berries tingling. Here’s what Prospect Itch has said, “(Diamondbacks’) AAA numbers are always inflated, but Garrett’s plus power and .375/.430/.764 slash line look good enough to mix in with that lineup, at least. Garrett’s a guy with big raw power, who gains a little value in an environment where it’s harder to clear the fence. He’s looking at near-term playing time and has enough speed to help us in roto leagues if he gets the time. If only I had time to beat up Grey.” Dude, cmon! In an NL-Only league, I’m absolutely interested. In mixed leagues, I’m kinda wait-and-see for now, but that could change very quickly. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer, and third homer in four games. Possibly the hottest hot schmotato in Schmotatoland and will be in Friday’s Buy column, which is already available on the Patreon.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Even if he fades again in September, which I’m kinda expecting, Rodon’s been Rondonkulous. Easy top 10 starter-type year.

Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Ranger’s afternoon yesterday was big. Fired Jon Daniels, then pitched a helluva game. Don’t really buy into a 1st half and 2nd half player, but Suarez is absolutely a 2nd half pitcher. Did it last year; this year more of the same. He’s got, like, a 1.00 ERA across two 2nd halfs. (Halves? How does it work when it’s two 2nd halfs? Is it two 2nd halves? That looks wrong. I’m a nerd and am seriously asking.)

Joey Votto – Will undergo season-ending surgery on his rotator cuff. Don’t worry, he’ll be back next year as he’s owed $25 million. Veteran contracts in their final years are like the director’s cut of an already long movie. “That Marvel movie that’s 185 minutes now has an extended 44-minute opening scene? I’m gonna pass.”

Nick Lodolo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.12. Lodolo’s gonna be everyone’s “favorite sleeper next year who won’t be a sleeper by the time we get to the season” sleeper. Also, Cincy is unforgiving and I bet he’s more up and down next year than people will expect.

Eduardo Rodriguez – Will return to the Tigers’ rotation on Sunday vs. the Angels. Ed-Rod said of his absence since May, “Who’s asking?” There might be some streaming potential here.

Tarik Skubal – Underwent surgery to repair his flexor tendon. That’s gonna be a yikes from me, dawg.

Willi Castro – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, as he replaced Harold Castro in the lineup. I can’t say for sure, but I think the Tigers watered Harold to sprout a new Castro. Like Gremlins.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.77. Felt like a lotta woofs around my streamers yesterday. Think I’m gonna take a nap. *shuts eyes for five seconds, shoots them back open and claps hands* I’m back! What did I miss?

Clay Holmes – Hit the IL with back tightness. Aroldis Chapman would be my first guess as the replacement, but Effross has the ability to pitch and also be the go-to Yankees’ fan curse word when he blows a game.

Oswaldo Cabrera – 0-for-4 as he was recalled from Triple-A Jamaal Wilkes-Barre. Yankees are almost as funny as their panicky fans. They’re on pace to win 100 games and now they’re suddenly calling everyone up, like Josh Donaldson was good previously? Aaron Hicks? I could’ve told you when they were winning that those guys sucked. Any hoo! Cabrera was 8/10/.264 in Triple-A with a 26.6% strikeout rate, i.e., he, much like Florial, will hit .190 in the majors.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .223. Speaking of sucky suckers, Donaldson hit a big homer last night in the 10th, but, yeah, he still sucks.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 runs 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. HR to the Izzo.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he hit third. Wow, Yanks really are desperate for offense. Not that Gleyber has been bad, but hitting third? Um, okay.

Harold Ramirez – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, coming a day after he was activated from the IL. Was going to say something on Ha-Ram being, and I lost train of thought *makes sign of cross* taken too soon — Harambe 4ever.

Tyler Mahle – Left the game with shoulder soreness. Sounds even worse when you hear that he was averaging 89 MPH on his fastball as, in the opponent’s dugout, Greinke was like, “Damn, that sucks.”

Jose Miranda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .286. Miranda’s got the right to remain on my team! No? Corny? Meh, give me a pass here, I’m trying!

Daniel Lynch – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.52. That the Royals don’t put Da. Lynch on his jersey back and give him a blue velvet jersey is one of life’s greatest missed opportunities.

Cory Abbott – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Checked Streamonator for Abbott and Streamonator said, “Eff off.”

P.J. Higgins – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. 2nd homer in a week for Pajamas Higgins, which is the mildest of recommendations. Not even a hot schmotato. I’d say hot schmo.

Roansy Contreras – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.02. as he was recalled. I’m good with a little Roansy in my life, a little Contreras on my teams, a little Monica–Okay, now I’m just singing Mambo #5. He’s fine if the matchup is decent, but everything the Pirates touch gets polluted.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Reynolds must’ve been playing mad yesterday, because he heard what Eck said about the Pirates. Good on Eck, tee be aitch. Here it is, if you haven’t heard:

Pablo Lopez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.83. You’ve given him what? Five? Six starts now? It’s time to move on. *sees his schedule* Ugh, why is it whenever I think it’s time to move on the pitcher is about to face the Nats or A’s?

Mike Clevinger – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.63. Was pretty funny when Tatis got suspended and Clevinger came out as saying it was immature. Putting aside the fact that Clevinger’s wife was calling him out on social media for cheating on him and keeping it to baseball: Ya know what shows maturity? Pitching to the score and giving your team some length so they don’t need to go to the pen.

Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, a grand slam. Do the Padres hit home runs that aren’t grand slams or is it a trademark thing with Slam Diego?

Starling Marte – 3-for-5, and his 13th and 14th homer, then Francisco Lindor (2-for-5, 2 runs, 12th steal) hit his 21st homer on back-to-back pitches in the 1st inning, which I read about after waking from my concussion. I knocked myself out slamming my head into the wall because I was streaming Odorizzi.

Brett Baty – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st major league homer on his first major league swing. Oh, now you’re interested? I see. So you didn’t trust me when I said I grabbed him everywhere in my Brett Baty fantasy. Okay, I get it.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15. Scrambled Odorizzi.

Elvis Andrus – Released by the A’s. If only there was a popular saying to express Elvis leaving the building.

Sean Murphy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Someone’s feeling the hot air Langeliers is breathing down his neck. Not that Murphy should have any concerns about losing playing time, he’s their best hitter, and it’s not that close. When Sean Murphy’s the best your team has to offer, it’s time to talk about recutting Moneyball into a comedy.

Shea Langeliers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. I got a homer from my catcher slot! We are living large! *makes Texas Longhorns hand gesture* Langeliers!

Adam Oller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.63. Taking a cue from retired basketball player, World B. Free, Adam Oller has changed his name to Adam Oller Oxen Free. Sorry, no time for questions.

Tony Gonsolin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.12. The regression coming his way next year is going to be obscenely awful. Making up for this year, he’s gonna have a 7+ ERA. I’m half-joking.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .187, but hitting .350 in August, so it doesn’t matter what he was hitting in April when his elbow was broken in half, and he was trying to copy and paste his right elbow with his left elbow.

Eric Lauer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.58. His June ERA was 6.83. All other months? Under 3. That’s not so bad.

Jordan Montgomery – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Nope, Yanks couldn’t use anything like that!

Austin Voth – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Pitched his heart out, but, sadly, the 1927 Orioles fell in this game. Their march towards history will continue again in their next game.

Yoshi Tsutsugo – Signed by the Blue Jays. Front office said, “We abbreviate Blue Jays to BJs, but we don’t have anyone who truly sucks, until now.”

Ross Stripling – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93, as he was activated. I’d say Streamonator, but how is Stripling only rostered in 34% of leagues. His ERA is under-3.00. That’s it. It’s almost September, that’s all you need to know to roster someone.

Shohei Ohtani – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer. Yeah, but how many innings did he pitch?

Luis Rengifo – Left the game with lower back tightness. Oh no, but he’s the new Mike Trout! Oh, wait, Rengifo being out with an injury makes him even more like Trout.

Touki Toussaint – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50. If the Braves don’t give a guy a 10-year deal worth 25% of what they’d get on the open market, but instead let the player walk, that player is not good. All kidding aside, Braves’ GM, Alex Anthropodamus would make a good dynasty league manager. Notice how many deals he gives young pitchers vs. hitters.

George Kirby – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Good news/bad news/less pessimistic news/realistic news: Good news is he was able to throw. Bad news is that start vs. the Angels was pretty meh. Less pessimistic news, he was one out from a Quality Start. Realistic news, a weak Quality Start against a weak opponent, and he still was meh.

Jesse Winker – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. Only took him four months to faintly appear decent. As they always say, April showers bring May, June and July garbage, but August is okay, kinda.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .223. Big day for the Suarezes. How’s the canal doing?

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .208. Think he ever grabs something falling off a counter and shouts, “Raleigh fingers for the save?”