Tris Casas Es Sox Casas

Hola, fellow español speakers! Today’s word is Triston Casas (1-for-4)! Let’s break it down into parts! Triston is pronounced Tris like a Tris Speaker. Not the old-timey baseball player, but like a speaker who is saying the word Tris. Next part is ton like, “I ate a ton of churros and now I am sneezing cinnamon sugar.” Say the last name with me now…Ca-thathss. The last part you say like a Spanish snake. Like a snake you find in the desert outside of Barth-a-lona. A snake with a lisp. Try the whole thing now, Triston Cathathss. Bueno! *maracas around room* Cathathss! Cathathss! Cathathss! So, yesterday or today or last week doesn’t really matter for when the Red Sox called up Triston Casas, but if you think he was called up on Sunday simply because now he’s earned his place, like he got the ring from Gollum and deposited in the mouth of some volcano or whatever that quest was of those hill trolls, you’re sadly mistaken. Triston Casas has been ready for a while, but baseball is still broken for when prospects are called up. Rather than change the world’s problems today, let’s look at Triston Casas. Hey, what do you know, I already gave you my Triston Casas fantasy! So ridiculous that I figured (correctly) he’d have 300+ ABs this year. Because he’s been ready! If you don’t care what I say, here’s what Itch said, “Triston Cases has learned late at-bat traits to help him hang against a variety of experienced pitchers, and perhaps he’s carried some of those hang-in-there strategies to early-count situations against pitchers he’s never seen before. Whatever it is, I like it. Unlike Grey, who I hate.” Really not cool! I’d grab Triston Casas in every league. He’s got elite approach and power. For what he will do the final month? No one knows, because it’s a small sample, but worth finding out. Finally, Casas is home. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Tanner Houck – Had season-ending back surgery. Expected to be ready for 2023, and might be stretched out as a starter again. Nothing says, “Our organization wants to ruin a young arm,” like moving him from pen to starter four times in four years.

Trevor Story – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Guy Who’s Been In A Coma Since April wakes, “Aw sookie! Trevor Story’s hitting bombs! That’s what I’m talking about! My fantasy team must be doing so good! Has Giolito been anchoring the staff? Guys? Why’s everyone tiptoeing out of my room?”

John Schreiber – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.11 and his 7th save, and his 2nd save in as many games. He should be the closer. “Put should be the closer in one hand” and poop in the other hand, and why are you carrying around poop? Are you an actual chimpanzee?

Tyler Mahle – 2 IP, 4 ER, as he was activated from the IL, and his velocity was 87 MPH on his fastball. “When you can’t win a Spongebob at a county fair with your fastball, you might need Tommy John surgery.” That’s Dr. James Andrews doing his best Jeff Foxworthy impression.

Dylan Bundy – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Twins’ beat writer said, “Over his last six starts, Dylan Bundy has a 2.17 ERA in 29 innings pitched.” Which is cool, and good, but I did guffaw at six starts and only 29 IP.

Carlos Correa – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .270. I get why he garners attention in real baseball — the glove and arm — but he’s always one of the most overrated players in fantasy. On the Player Rater, Correa just passed Jazz Chisholm Jr., who’s been out the entire 2nd half.

Dylan Cease – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.13, in only 103 (!) pitches. I’d give the Cy Young award to Justin Verlander, then tell Justin, “Now give it to Cease,” just to get Kate mad.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. The ease at which he homers makes it worth watching the Pirates (then turning them off for hitters 2-9, and their pitching).

Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.03. Streamonator saw this as a no-brainer — or rather a robot-brainer — but doesn’t like his next one. If I’m being honest, I’d start him.

Miles Mikolas – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32 vs. Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Miles Mikolas/Marcus matchup mainlining mmm’s, “Man, marvelous.” Muah!

Albert Pujols – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and now 695 career homers. If we get to the final weekend and Albert Pujols is sitting on 699 homers, MLB is gonna move the fences in to Rock ‘n Jock distances to make sure he gets it.

TJ Friedl – 4-for-8, 3 runs and his 4th and 5th homer, and four homers in the last week, and one of the hottest schmotatoes. I am starting to wonder if Fraley and Friedl are the same guy. Give us Friedley and teach him how to make Fribbles!

Jonathan India – 1-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I wrote this before the completion of the 2nd game of the doubleheader, “Hitting near-.325 over the last month, and I regret to inform you for next year, it’s gonna be hard to ignore India.” Then he left the 2nd game with an injury and I just shook my head and laughed.

Spencer Steer – 0-for-7. Spencer Steer is the Anglicization of “Jesus take the wheel” and in this essay I will explain–Sorry! I thought I was getting a useless liberal arts degree. Any hoo! Laura just gave you her Spencer Steer fantasy, and she just beat me to waivers to pick him up in our keeper.

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.95 vs. German Marquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.86. As I watched this game, I was struck by how much both teams seemed checked out. At one point, Garrett Hampson stole third with two outs, seemed to get thrown out and everyone just shrugged, continuing on with the game.

Jose Iglesias – Left the 1st game with a hand injury, then didn’t start the 2nd game. Oh, that’s a shame–Bring up Tovar!

Ranger Suarez – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.52. Damn, really thought he turned some kind of corner in the 2nd half, but this is now three straight emojis that are vomiting, and the vomit spells out “vomit.”

David Robertson – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.35. It is truly incredinble that anyone, no matter who, that goes into the Phils’ pen immediately sucks.

Alex Wood – Hit the IL with a shoulder impingement. Gabe Kapler said he’s been pitching thru it for a while. *looks at Wood’s 5.10 ERA* You don’t say!

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Don’t think people consider Rodon in that upper echelon of starters, but he absolutely could be my first starter off the board in a lot of leagues next year, as people go Gerrit Cole and I try to figure out why Cole is three rounds higher than Rodon.

Corbin Burnes – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.02. Hmm, ya know, I might not be able to rank Burnes in the top five starters range where I say to ignore him next year, but I might be able to rank him around 50th overall and draft him. And absolutely will be drafting him, if that’s the case.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer. As Scooby Doo would say, “Renfroe!”

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.42, and now has 41 1/3 IP of scoreless hoo-ha’ing, and his ERA has gone from 3.31 to 2.42 in that time, and leads the NL in WHIP with 0.92. Will be interesting if Zac can get ahead of Orel. *Groucho Marx eyebrow raise*

Jake McCarthy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, 3rd homer this week, as McCarthy attempts the oft-attempted, but rarely successful gambit to bring his hot schmotato into a new week.

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer. Thought about how he has more than twice as many homers as Eloy, and now you have to think about it too.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit the IL with a bicep strain. Repetitive stress injury from years of chugging beer.

Michael Pineda – Designated for assignment. Pineda’s assignment is to hit his stomach at a child’s party and let loose some candy.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .292. I give Altuve a lot of crap, but thinking back at Correa, and Altuve is consistently worth about three to four times as much as Correa. Correa is truly embarrassing.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Nothing is more reliable than Mr. H2H getting his one homer per week. (Which I say after seeing Tucker hasn’t homered in about three weeks.)

Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-2, and his 21st homer. Also, was able to get around the bases without getting arrested once.

Max Fried – 5 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 1 walk, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Fried didn’t return after the nearly two-hour rain delay at Truist, so he lost the no-hitter opp. By the by, Truist sounds like an ad-lib from DJ Khaled. “We the Truist!”

Seth Brown – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 18th and 19th homer. Two homers in a game goes a long way to a schmotato run, but I just looked at what Brown’s been up to, and I wanted to flush it down.

Carlos Carrasco – 2 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.91, and four unearned runs. If you started Carrasco against my wishes, then you deserve those unearned runs tacked onto your fantasy team statline. I will be contacting Yahoo, ESPN and other fantasy platforms to tell them to make the adjustment.

Cesar Hernandez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Back in December, Cesar Hernandez opened up his Christmas present from his wife — an all-expenses-paid trip to Christian Yelich’s Home Run Clinic. Boy, Cesar was excited at the time.

Andrew Benintendi – Needs surgery for his hamate bone. No worries, Yanks fans, that means more at-bats for Aaron Hicks!

Frankie Montas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Solid start, so not going to go too far down the Negativity Alley of Darkness, but you might need to be more economical with your pitches, if you can only get thru five with seven strikeouts.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 53rd homer, as he now bats leadoff. It makes sense, but, if I were Boone, I’d also hit him second thru ninth.

Clay Holmes – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.42 with the save. I miss 1st half of the season Clay Holmes.

Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Guess who used the Streamonator and streamed Kluber and dropped him immediately after? This guy with two thumbs pointed so close to his eyes he can’t see anything else.

Julio Rodriguez – 4-for-6, 2 runs and a slam (24) and legs (23), and is going to have a 25/25 season as a 21-year-old, and, oh em gee, I’m gonna end up drafting him in the top three in 2023, aren’t I? Will he be the top guy off the board? Gotta go Treat, right? No? I can go Jul-Rod? Thank you, father, may I have another?

Zach Plesac – Out after breaking his finger by punching the pitching mound after a Jake Lamb homer. When he heard someone said Jake Lamb, Plesac got on his knees, screaming to the heavens, “Noooo!!! All this time I’ve been calling him Jay Clam!” And he punched the dirt. Or maybe he recalled his father telling him, “If you get mad, you have no one to blame but yourself, so go pound sand.” Not sure, to be honest. Plesac’s last two years: He missed significant time last year after aggressively removing his shirt, and he was sent home in 2020 for violating Covid protocols. You have to remember, his last name isn’t pronounced “please others.”