No Tiger In Detroit’s Tank As They Get X’d On Valdez

Guys wearing nothing but raspberries, screaming to the camera, “We’re the Fram-Boys! We celebrate Framber Valdez with every fiber of our body, and our body is eight grams dietary fiber in every cup. And, go ahead, and give us a cup check! It’s filled with raspberries, wanna see?” Back to the studio for Astros’ announcer, Todd Kalas, laughing, “Those Fram-Boys! Sure hope they don’t stain any linens.” Framber Valdez (9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50) just notched his 24th consecutive Quality Start. Framber heard to be celebrated here but nowhere else, because Amber Heard sued Johnny Depp and is in that sentence? On the next Povich! Yeah, I don’t know why, but Framber seems to be way below other similar pitchers in people’s minds. Here’s one for you: Framber Valdez or Sandy Alcantara? Sandy’s discussed in Cy Young terms; Framber is teammates to a guy who might win the Cy Young. Are Sandy and Framber Valdez that different? Are Framber and Sandy Alcantara that different for 2023 fantasy? I’m not being daft, here’s some peripherals: 8.5 K/9, 3.09 xFIP, 2.50 ERA vs. 8.1 K/9, 3.39 xFIP and 2.43 ERA. Any ideas which is which? The better peripherals? They’re Framber Valdez’s! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Trevor Rogers – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.35. Rogers That! Looked dominant early, but Rogers seemed to tire late, because I don’t need him getting any of that helium for 2023 fantasy drafts. Makes voice sound like a Smurf, “I got enough helium!”

Jorge Soler – Will not return this season. A redheaded orphan, sobbing, “It’s bad enough I’m an orphan and a redhead, but now you’re telling me Soler won’t come out tomorrow?!”

Glenn Otto – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Streamonator didn’t love this start, but I streamed Otto, hoping for a wow, got a huh. As long as it was palindromic, I guess.

Jon Gray – 3 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.70 as he was activated from the IL. He’s returning from a six-week absence due to an oblique, and, if being honest, I think every starter should have one of these. Pitchers clearly can’t throw the whole year anymore. Okay, outside of, like, three starters, maybe. Alcantara, Nola and, hmm, I guess Burnes. So give them a non-arm injury, and let them take six weeks to rest. You think I’m joking, but we’re about a decade from one guy per year getting 200 IP…Did I say a decade? I meant a year.

Bubba Thompson – 1-for-7, 2 runs and his 14th and 15th steal, and four steals in three games. “I used to get the admiration of the fantasy baseballers. Now, it’s that guy,” said Jon Berti, patting his eyes dry, looking out over the diamond to Bubba.

Marcus Semien – 4-for-9, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Semien got that jack off Hoeing, and sometimes these things write themselves.

Corey Seager – 1-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. Seager’s also came off Hoeing, and, honestly, I’m a juvenile. I can’t be given this. Hoeing?! Come on! Literally!

Josh Jung – 2-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Watched one at-bat of Jung’s vs. Rogers, where Jung looked so overpowered, I was embarassed for him, but he came back and didn’t let it bother him. Impressed more with that poise, then some of his at-bats.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer, and 7th game in a row with a home run. “Hello, is this the cemetery where Dale Long is buried? I have orders from Rob Manfred to escort Mr. Long’s remains to the next Mike Trout game in case his record is broken. Who am I? I’m Rob Manfred Jr. Who the hell are you?!” So, Mike Trout is within one home run of the record to tie Dale Long, Ken Griffey Jr. and Don Mattingly. Though, it should be noted, Mattingly had a mustache at the time.

Matt Duffy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Only seven more to tie Dale Long! Imagine that was my roundups all year. How many home runs until Dale Long was tied. Then you can tell people, “Yeah, you should read Razzball, he tracks Dale Long’s consecutive home run record every day. Then, when a player gets close, he talks about digging up Dale Long and bringing him to the park.” That scenario of you telling someone that makes me chuckle.

Reid Detmers – 5 IP< 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Detmers and Suarez are Scherzer and deGrom of “You think you can trust them, but then you can’t.” Streamonator kinda likes Detmers’s next start, but do I trust him? What did I just get done saying?

Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, ERA at 0.00 after two starts. He was followed in this game by Kyle Nelson (0 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.19), as the Dbacks honored the Television Academy with a nod to The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. If you get that reference, you’re old. Go back to bed. You deserve it.

Tony Gonsolin – Not able to throw at full intensity during his bullpen session. Dave Roberts said, “I’m confident Gonsolin can start playoff games.” He didn’t add, “H2H playoff games.”

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. Mookie Best!

Tyler Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.62. Next year, just draft all Dodgers starters on one team, and collect your winnings in October. Seriously, stop trying to complicate things. It’s not worth it.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Wow, corn really is having its moment. Thank you, TikTok.

Spencer Strider – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.72. With genuine sincerity, Strider’s going to pitch four innings next year and his arm is going to fall off.

Hunter Greene – Will return later this week. Can’t camouflage this guy’s excitement! (Until Greene invariably gives up 5 ER in 3 IP.)

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 16th and 17th steal, hitting .244. Whomever is helping Oneil Cruz with his hitting, well, can Ke’Bryan listen in? Maybe pay for half of the lessons?

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Reynolds is a trade or signing with Cincy away from being a 30-homer, .290 hitter. Ooh, ooh! Bryan Reynolds on the Rockies? Yummers! And don’t be like, “That’s Bryan to a T, as in Bryant, and Kris sucks.” I don’t want to hear your slander right now, I’m being positive.

Diego Castillo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, as he was recalled. Ca’still-don’t trust the Pirates to play him, though.

Rodolfo Castro – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .233. The Communist Reindeer has big-time power, and has two homers in three games, and might hit .180.

Aristides Aquino – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. I’d like to see Aquino get 550 ABs, but I also like chaos.

Chris Bassitt – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.44. He had one of the worst outings of his season in front of his family. See, yesterday was bring your dog to the park day at Metco.

Rafael Ortega – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Nearly grabbed Ortega for a batty call, but I had Bassitt pitching in multiple leagues and had too much faith in my pitcher. Haha, silly me.

Zach McKinstry – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and had a four-hit night the day before, i.e., hot schmotato alert!

Javier Assad – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Grabbed him for the stream, but, once again, I had too much faith in Bassitt, so I left Assad on my bench. Sonavabench! Streamonator won’t ever like him, but his next start is about as close as it’s going to come, and I should’ve had a sweet two-start week and I benched him! I am literally the dumbest. I have a ribbon to prove it. I forget where I put it though.

Bo Bichette – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .281. It’s bad Bo o’clock, baby! Where’s everyone who drafted Bichette and abandoned us around July for fantasy football? I want just desserts! By the way, our Streamonator for football, the fantasy football tools won Donkey Teeth $20,000 on Sunday, I’m not even joking. BDon and I talk about that on the podcast this week. Any hoo! Who’s your daddy?! Dante! On the Player Rater, Bichette has a legit chance for top 12 overall! It wasn’t always pretty, but it’s definitely not ugly.

Jose Berrios – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.07. I’m glad when I look at Berrios’s ERA this offseason it’s going to look atrocious so I’m not bamboozled into drafting him again.

Yu Chang – Claimed off waivers by the Red Sox. Hey, real question, why did the Red Sox stop trying and when can they stop stop trying again?

Tim Anderson – Meeting with a hand specialist about his finger. How did that hand specialist get that hand job? Reese McGuire?