Please see our player page for Aristides Aquino to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.

Pirates’ front office looking at the clock labeled, “Service Manipulation.” The big hand clicks towards “Extra year of service time,” and the little hand creeps towards, “Being cheap AF.” Just as Being Cheap AF and Extra Year of Service Time meet at 12 o’clock, a little birdie flies out in a Pirates’ jersey with the uniform number for Tyler Glasnow and starts cuckooing. With that, Roansy Contreras was called up by the Pirates, and will start today. In Triple-A, he had 2.66 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 10.6 K/9, 4.9 BB/9, and a 1.33 HR/9. He can be electric, but those walks scare me. Yo, I don’t trust the Pirates at all. Not with pitchers, not with hitters, not for nothing but not with nothing. No trust. Anyone rostering Ke’Bryan and Bryan Reynolds liking it? Has Mitch Keller clicked yet? Will he ever? How’s Oneil Cruz doing you? Sucks to put that all at Roansy’s feet, but there ya go. That’s my feelings on him. For those that found us by googling “sucks” + “feet,” you a freak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wish I could say Kevin Gausman‘s success this year will end forever, “(Pitcher’s name) is going to AL East, now you better be scared, right, Grey? Grey, tell me you’re supposed to be scared. Say that now. I beg of you! Tell me (pitcher’s name) going to the AL East is bad for him!” Grabs Aquanet hairspray and a Zippo lighter, threatening, “Tell me, Grey, or I will burn down your house.” Even with the NL getting the DH, something about a pitcher going to the AL East frightens guys more than hearing Amber Heard just ate Raisin Bran. Yesterday, Kevin Gausman went 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. That’s now 41 Ks and zero walks to start the year. That’s the third most Ks to start the year without a walk since 1900 (only behind 2021 Corbin Burnes and 2017 Kenley Jansen). It doesn’t matter if a pitcher has two pitches, if one is unhittable like Gausman’s splitter, and it doesn’t matter what division a pitcher is in if he’s unhittable. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Motivational speaker, Manny Machado, entered the Padres’ clubhouse before yesterday’s contest and asked new head coach, Bob Melvin, if he could speak. His teammates’ rapt attention centered on Manny, and he spoke, “I won’t always run hard to first, 2nd, third or home. I will usually ask for a golf cart to take me out to 3rd base between innings. When it’s my time in the on-deck circle, I will ask the umps if I can put on water wings and slap around in a kiddie pool. When that clock strikes April 19th, I will check out until sometime in July. But I am telling you right now, you have every piece of me from this moment here, until roughly ten o’clock on April 18th, then again sometime in July. And I will take you where you need to go, so hop on!” And with that Wil Myers stood and began to clap at first. Then he elbowed Eric Hosmer (4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs), who was dreaming of grounding out to 2nd base, and he stood and clapped too. And, before anyone knew it, the entire clubhouse was in a rousing ovation for their leader, Manny Machado — the best clubhouse guy a team could hope for. Then, as the ovation began to dissipate, Machado asked Luke Voit if he could drive the golf cart that would take him out to the field. So, yesterday, Manny Machado (5-for-6, 4 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, a 111 MPH shot into left field, and two steals for the magnificent slam and double legs. This was Machado’s 2nd career five-hit night. Five hits, 4 runs, 2 SBs with a homer in a game had only been done three times since 1987 — Andrew McCutchen, Carl Crawford and Tony Gwynn. Machado gets a bad rap; he does usually put up top 25 overall type numbers, as long as Voit continues to gas up the golf cart. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

*digs nose into an open field of grass, lifts head, eyes filled with tears* This smells of my youth!

Passerby, “My dog just peed there, so probably because you used to wet yourself.”

Baseball is back.

“Hello, Genie, I have three wishes for this baseball season. My first wish: No one I roster get hurt. My 2nd wish: Everyone I roster do well. I drafted Bobby Witt Jr., Julio Rodriguez, and Seiya Suzuki, so, really, I’m doing much of the heavy lifting for this wish. My 3rd and final wish: All 3rd base coaches send runners home by doing the Moonwalk. Thanking you in advance, Genie. Wait a second, you’re not a genie, you’re Bartolo Colon in Blue Man Group paint. Damn you!”

Glad I didn’t waste a wish on losing a closer during some janky Chris Paddack trade, because that didn’t need a wish. Chris Paddack and Emilio Pagan were moved to the Twins for Taylor Rogers, Brent Rooker and cash. This trade was done as it snowed all across the baseball community. *intern whispers in ear* It wasn’t snow? It was dandruff from all the head scratching? Oh, I see. This feels like a deal we hear about in five years when the authorities figure out the Twins were secretly working with the Padres. Incredibly, the Padres tried to give Paddack away to everyone, then the Twins paid full price. Like, what even? For a month, every team was supposedly trying to acquire Paddack, when, in reality, it was just the Padres trying to give Paddack away for anything. Chris Paddack was so highly sought after that the Padres pretended to trade him to every team. Statcast sliders aren’t good and neither is Chris Paddack. I suppose if he can fix his fastball, but, allow this small cackle of truth, why didn’t he fix his fastball while in San Diego? Didn’t feel like it? Um, okay. So, I wouldn’t suddenly be interested in Paddack, outside of AL-Only leagues. I’ll go over the Padres and Twins’ pens on the other side of the anyway. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Fernando Tatis Jr. fractured his wrist and I want to die. Just curl into a ball and bawl. MLB lockout was the butterfly’s wings and Tatis’s wrist is the earthquake in Indonesia. Hope you’re happy Rob Manfred! Fernando Tatis Jr. likely hurt himself on his motorcycle, and it was months ago. Sure, he should’ve been checked out by a doctor for the last three months for the wrist injury, but he just dusted himself off and said, “Oopsie.” If Tatis wasn’t so damn resilient, maybe he would’ve went to the doctor. Stupid, resilient, regenerative Fun The Jewels! If it wasn’t for the lockout, the Padres would’ve insisted Tatis went to see their team doctors, and his wrist would’ve been diagnosed sooner. See, this really is Rob Manfred’s fault! *goes to the beach, digs giant hole, lies down into sand grave, slowly pulls sand down on top of head* I don’t want to go on. Please, let me be. *sobs loudly*

So, Rudy updated Fernando Tatis Jr. with a 75-game dock, and he’s now at 155 overall on his 12-team auction values. I’m down to 103 overall. From the number one spot to 103 overall; I really feel like I’m going to vomit. *drives to Ralph’s supermarket then ralphs* I like to be meta, when possible. What’s kinda funny, in a painful way that isn’t funny at all, I did my adjustments to Tatis without knowing what Rudy was doing, and I have him ranked right next to Kyle Schwarber, as Rudy does, in my top 500 for 2022 fantasy baseball. Of course, I have Schwarber and Tatis higher than Rudy, barely. Also, Rudy has Tatis at 289 ABs (58/23/56/.282/13) and I have him down for 51/17/45/.287/15 in 303 ABs, and we both did our new projections without bouncing them off each other, so we’re both pretty close, which is reassuring in a very sad way. I’m a bit worried about the wrist coming all the way back immediately, but like the idea of his upside when he returns, so I ranked him a bit higher than his stats might warrant. I updated my top 10 for 2022 fantasy baseball; my top 100 for 2022 fantasy baseball and the top 20 shortstops for 2022 fantasy baseball. This all somehow sucks and simultaneously blows. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this preseason for 2022 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome back to our National League DH coverage! Joining us will be DH extraordinaire, Cliff Johnson.

“Cliff, what do you think is the hardest part of being a DH?”
“You have to be ready to play from any position.”
“Like 1st base, or catcher?”
“No, like from the far right of the bench, to the spot right next to that, to the spot right next to that, to the spot–”
“Okay, I think I got it. If DHs are always sitting, any ideas why DHs always seem to be named after places where dudes stand? There was you — Cliff. There was Stairs, and there was Chili.”
“Chili?”
“Yes, a Chili stand.”

All right, so the other day we went over the best candidates to DH in the NL East and their fantasy value. Today, you guessed it! So, who are the best candidates for DH on the NL Central teams, and what can we expect from them for 2022 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

My brain whenever I see Brandon Lowe: “It’s Low, right? No, you idiot, it’s like Lau! LAU! LAU! Say LAU! Which is pronounced like Low, right? NO! It rhymes with chow! It’s Lau!” Then, I compose myself and pronounce it as “Low.” Literally, without fail. I hope you do this too, so I’m not alone. It would make me feel better. Thank you. Yesterday, Lowe–Lau! But spelled Lowe!–went double ding dong, as he led-off (3-for-4, 3 RBIs) with his 27th and 28th homer. Also, in the Hooters-adjacent Tampa Bay-adjacent St. Pete’s Basilica, Kevin Kiermaier (1-for-4) hit his 4th homer; Brett Phillips (2-for-4) boogied his way to his 10th homer and Mike Brosseau (1-for-4) hit his 5th homer. Now I see why Brosseau, “Whoa.” Lowe, though (doesn’t rhyme), is repeating his HR/FB% from last year’s breakout, along with FB%, and HardHit%, but not really his strikeouts. He’s way more aggressive at the plate (O-Swing% and Swing% up), and unfortunately for him, he’s making more contact on junk pitches. Wish the average was higher for Lowe (that’s not a pun, it’s Lau not Low), but he’s established himself as a 32-homer guy with upside for 2022. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Is the title anti-Italian discrimination? Lucky I didn’t go with Whop, Whop, That’s How You Drive A Rig-A-Tony. It’s whop as in making a loud blow, like a homer! Hey, I’m half-Italian, I can’t be discriminatory. You can tell I’m half-Italian because I can be loud about absolutely nothing. If I mention Tony Soprano and you don’t do the stations of the cross, I can’t trust you. Taken too soon. *crosses self, kisses hand* I can’t wait for the prequel, that’s got ugatz on nothing not for nothing. Anthony Santander, vaffanculo, where’s this guy been? Anthony, you should be so good, what happened to you? You upset me, you know that? Yesterday, Santander went 2-for-4 with his 8th and 9th homer, as he hits .245. You kiss your mother with those stats? His Launch Angle came down this year, unlike the price of gabagool. It’s brought down his fly balls. *grabs balls* What’s it to ya? His HR/FB% is in the basement with my old Z. Cavaricci pants. He looks like he split his great, although short, 2020 season and his just okay 2019. Yesterday might’ve been the start of hot streak, like this blond going through my rat tail, but his numbers look fairly mediocre, unlike the sleeper he was coming into the year. Unless he can drive through the ball like a Fiat, and Fix It Again, Tony. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

How did it get to be the last week of July??  There’s still not been much interesting trade movement as I write this, save Adam Frazier’s arrival in San Diego (which unfortunately is really only interesting in terms of trying to figure out which Padres I own will be losing playing time).  As I continue to try to bolster my teams for the final two months of the season, I am once again looking at a barren waiver wire that seems unlikely to contain a hidden gem.  I think this weekend might have been the slowest of the year in terms of FAAB pick ups in my AL and NL-only leagues, but there’s always someone to take a chance on when you’re desperate in a deep league… so let’s once again check out a few names that could be of potential interest in the deep league world.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Has anyone started a “Are the Mariners being no-hit” Twitter account yet?  If not, that seems like a missed opportunity this year.  Targeting the Mariners in DFS has been a winning strategy so far this year, just ask my account after Sean Manaea went ham Thursday night.  The green screens were plentiful and we’ll look to keep those screens green tonight when Chris Bassitt ($9,700) takes the mound.  Manea and Bassitt are having pretty similar seasons so far (9.9 K/9 for Manaea, 9.1 for Bassitt), each is around 2.1 BB/9 and each has a FIP nearly identical to their ERAs.  I’m not saying we’ll be looking at another 13K shutout from Bassitt, but I do like the odds for a very productive evening at a cheaper price tag than some of the other big names pitching tonight.

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Please, blog, may I have some more?

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J.D. Martinez was first to the Just Dong nickname, even though recently Jeff Bezos tried to co-op it himself:

Well, put aside your Dongs, Just and Jeff! There’s a new Just Dong in the picture. It’s J.D. Davis aka Jonathan Davis Davis aka Jefferson Davis Davis aka Just Dong Davis. Was surprised to see him only rostered in 35% of ESPN leagues, so ding-ding Just Dong, you’re eligible for the Buy column! Back in 2019, Jonathan Davis Davis had his star mitzvah, which had us all scratching our heads, “Did the Astros really lose a trade to the…Mets?” Appizzarently, they did. The only thing stopping J.D. Davis from taking that next step was. Dot dot dot. His health. But he’s good now, and he has himself a rocket ship to the rotating planet of Third Outfielder With Rising Fantasy Value. It’s an outlying planet, but it’s worth making space on your team. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?