Wish I could say Kevin Gausman‘s success this year will end forever, “(Pitcher’s name) is going to AL East, now you better be scared, right, Grey? Grey, tell me you’re supposed to be scared. Say that now. I beg of you! Tell me (pitcher’s name) going to the AL East is bad for him!” Grabs Aquanet hairspray and a Zippo lighter, threatening, “Tell me, Grey, or I will burn down your house.” Even with the NL getting the DH, something about a pitcher going to the AL East frightens guys more than hearing Amber Heard just ate Raisin Bran. Yesterday, Kevin Gausman went 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. That’s now 41 Ks and zero walks to start the year. That’s the third most Ks to start the year without a walk since 1900 (only behind 2021 Corbin Burnes and 2017 Kenley Jansen). It doesn’t matter if a pitcher has two pitches, if one is unhittable like Gausman’s splitter, and it doesn’t matter what division a pitcher is in if he’s unhittable. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Santiago Espinal – 1-for-3, 1 RBI, as he seems to be the Jays’ 2nd baseman. Hearing from sources Craig Biggio is changing his name to Craig Espinal.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Player of the Month for May, incoming! (Please.)

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.13. Fun fact! Sometimes at the farmer’s market I ask if they have any Jose Berrios.

Framber Valdez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Tuned in just as Logan Gilbert lost his no-hitter, then turned the channel to watch just as Framber lost his no-hitter, i.e., my bad.

Michael Lorenzen – 8 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Was thisclose to writing a lede for Lorenzen, but then Maddon sent him out for the 9th and he got the Sheets hit out of him. Lorenzen looks like a five-pitch pitcher, searching for one good pitch. If Streamonator liked him, I guess I could see it, but his peripherals look way worse than his numbers.

Mike Trout – 2-for-2, 3 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .344. Damn, this guy is almost as good as Taylor Ward, who’s almost as good as Shohei Ohtani.

Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.27 vs. Miles Mikolas – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.52. What I said in Friday’s Buy column about Mikolas just being rostered in every league goes for Kelly too. You kinda have to wonder about any league where a guy with an under-2 ERA is available. If you have no room, poke your leaguemates. Make sure they’re still alive.

Tommy Edman – Left yesterday’s game with a hip flexor injury. Edman says he’s fine, and to “Please not call up Nolan Gorman because I’ll never play again.”

Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 0.00. as he was activated from the IL. He didn’t combine with four other teammates to no-hit the Phils, so snooze. Also, Taijuan has shoulder discomfort prior to the IL, so I don’t trust him.

Dominic Smith – 4-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .250. Elias Sports Bureau said this was Dom Smith’s first good game in forever. Hmm, Elias Sports Bureau getting lazy with these factoids.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .253. Sell! Seriously, I don’t trust his elbow at all. I said to sell him in this too:

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Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Saw someone say Schwarber hadn’t done much lately. He’s got seven homers! That’s like having 60 homers in the month of April with the way the ball is right now.

Mitch Haniger – Hit the IL with a high ankle sprain. Maybe Mitch’s ankle should stop smoking reefer!

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.15. His velocity was back up. *tears of joy streaming down face* But he got hit hard by the Marlins’ B lineup with no command. *tastes tears to make sure they really are happy tears*

J.P. Crawford – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .372. Not exactly sustainable, but looking at his peripherals and was surprised to see how well he was doing under the hood. Just Peachy Crawford, indeed.

Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .234. *watching his 1st major league homer go 450 feet, fanning one self* “Do you think you could open that Buy Low window again? It’s stuffy in here.”

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.10. He’s not quite Brash-a-DOH-cious with no command, but Luzardo’s command is still not all the way there, so I’d be careful.

Sandy Alcantara – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.90. Didn’t have his command, and walked four. *leans into the microphone, overpronounces* Lots of Sandy balls.

Jorge Soler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. If he were dropped in your league, he should be picked up in your league for the hot schmotato.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.00. 11 Ks in five innings is my “take me to bed or lose me forever” from Top Gun.

Josh Winder – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Winder? I barely blew her! *door flies off the hinges, Cancel Police charge in, clipboards drawn* Cancel Citations incoming!

Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .283. Anyone want to place a bet on where he ends up for homers? Less than one month of the season gone, so it’s a 40+ homer pace. Does he stay healthy to get 20 homers? Gonna say no.

Kyle Garlick – Homered twice on Saturday, and was ready to scream hot schmotato up in this vampire-free zone, but Garlick left Sunday’s game with calf tightness.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer, hitting .300. “Doesn’t seem like the ball is that dead.” — Guy who only watches the 7′ 8″, 300-pound Aaron Judge.

MJ Melendez – Called up with Cam Gallagher going to the IL. Not to smash your hopes like Gallagher would smash a watermelon, but Melendez was hitting .153 in Triple-A. Could see the flyer in deeper leagues, because why not? But Melendez might be sent back down in two weeks after not playing at all. Dot dot dot. Or he might hit 20+ HRs and .280 and never get sent down again as Sal P. moves to DH. Like Mario in Donkey Kong, doubtful on the latter.

Daniel Lynch – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Welp, I watched him as promised, and he looked better than his line, but not that much better. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but I could see it in deeper leagues.

J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam. I wish this granny was a sonavabench for me, but I benched Taylor Wade, and the likely AL Player of the Week, to start Just Dong. Hahahahahahahaha…*straitjacket is placed on me as I’m led away*

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.32. Imagine what he’d be doing if the ball wasn’t dead. Keller would have the highest ERA in the history of man.

Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. This start was against the Pirates, which is what I say when someone asks me why I’m reading The Bell Jar by oven light.

Mike Clevinger – Will start on Tuesday vs. the Guardians. Hopefully they don’t confuse him too much with their name change, because he looks easily confused.

Cole Irvin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Two-point-nine-three is the new 5+ ERA. You need to be pushing a 2.50 ERA or lower in today’s dead ball era. Streamonator hates his next start, and I agree.

Triston McKenzie – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. He was going against a team whose number three hitter was DH Jed Lowrie, and the disgrA’s lineup kinda made sense with their lack of options.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5Ks, ERA at 5.33. His velocity looks down; his command looks too good, meaning he’s missing over the plate vs. nowhere he can get hurt. I’m fine moving on from Ed-Rod in shallower leagues.

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .164. “If you prop his body against the door, will be easier to move his couch out–Wait! He moved! Jeimer’s alive!”

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .246. He leads NL in steals, because he likes to run fast so his helmet flies off.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Just purchased a $1.1 mil Bored Ape NFT and all I have is this 18-digit code I wrote on this scrap of paper by this open window—NOOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Ryan Helsley – 2 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00 and his 1st save, and Giovanny Gallegos hasn’t been seen since he was hurdling the outfield fence during the brawl. Not sure what’s going on here, but a new Jhoan Duran dropped and his name is Helsley, who should be rostered whether he’s getting saves or not.

Nick Ahmed – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and third homer in four games, and hitting near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!

Jordan Luplow – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. Fun fact! He’s got a sick jacket and on the back it reads, “Mr. Plow.”

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .152. Starting May like he did April — a homer and nothing else.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.26. A three-point-two-six ERA?! Gross! Demote him already!

Alex Cobb – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.40, and 4 unearned runs for the massive Ticker Shock! Cobb just returned from the IL, and has been placed…back…on…the…IL? Yet? No? How about now?

Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.12. He will be an ace at some point this year for a stretch of starts, but next year he’s going to be a number one. He looks so good, damn. A new Gray to love! For you. You’ll have your hands full.

Kyle Muller – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, as he was called up. Feels like the Braves just cycle through young starters until they get a decent one like they’re playing craps. *blows on Bryce Elder’s head, rolls him into the school playground wall* Snake eyes! Damn! Okay! Let’s try Kyle Muller! Momma needs a new pair of shoes!

Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.51. He had a no-hitter into the 6th inning, but has an ERA north of 2.50, so is he even rosetrable? My column:

Chad Kuhl – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.90. What’s cooler than being Kuhl? Ice Kuhl! I looked at Chad Kuhl’s stats and his player page said to me, “The batters are trying to hit a medicine ball inside a humidor set to SUCK.”

C.J. Cron – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .282. Got my preseason prop bet that Cron would hit the most homers in majors, and now I know what it’s like to be HODLing Bitcoin. Daddy wants money!

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .338, and hitting 3rd. Please, just take a millisecond to think about the “FREAK OUT” people were having when Grichuk was hitting 7th the 1st week of the season.

Aristides Aquino – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to live up to his August of 2019 when I nicknamed him the GGOATOAT. Aquino said, “For real?” Yes, Aristides.

Jonathan India – Returned to the IL with hamstring tightness. Sounds Hindu, turns out to be a Himdon’t.

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Second homer this week, and I’m really struggling to find hot schmotatoes with this dumb dead ball.

Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.13. April showers bring May “better WHIP and ERA, otherwise I’m dropping him so no presh but presh is on, I wonder if they ever thought of calling rappers ‘Flow-ers.'”

Eric Lauer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.93. “Hey, I’m Harold Reynolds,” laughs at nothing for ten minutes then, “And we’re here with the Cy Young finalists as they await the voting. You have to think Eric Lauer with his 259 strikeouts and 1.50 ERA has a chance.”
John Kruk, “Yeah, I totally think you’re right. But I’m liking what Kyle Wright and his 225 strikeouts and 0.56 ERA did this year.”
Karl Ravech, “Not to be contrarian–” Kruk and Reynolds look at each, ‘Contrarian? Is that a real word?’ Ravech continues, “It’s the Rockies’ Chad Kuhl and his 1.03 ERA and 320 Ks. It’s those Ks for me, especially when there were over 95 pitchers who had an under-2 ERA this year.”