Au Contreras Mon Roansy Freres

Pirates’ front office looking at the clock labeled, “Service Manipulation.” The big hand clicks towards “Extra year of service time,” and the little hand creeps towards, “Being cheap AF.” Just as Being Cheap AF and Extra Year of Service Time meet at 12 o’clock, a little birdie flies out in a Pirates’ jersey with the uniform number for Tyler Glasnow and starts cuckooing. With that, Roansy Contreras was called up by the Pirates, and will start today. In Triple-A, he had 2.66 ERA, 1.18 WHIP, 10.6 K/9, 4.9 BB/9, and a 1.33 HR/9. He can be electric, but those walks scare me. Yo, I don’t trust the Pirates at all. Not with pitchers, not with hitters, not for nothing but not with nothing. No trust. Anyone rostering Ke’Bryan and Bryan Reynolds liking it? Has Mitch Keller clicked yet? Will he ever? How’s Oneil Cruz doing you? Sucks to put that all at Roansy’s feet, but there ya go. That’s my feelings on him. For those that found us by googling “sucks” + “feet,” you a freak! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

JT Brubaker – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.64. I’m being harsh, but the difference between Contreras and Brubaker is Contreras hasn’t burned you yet. That’s it.

Kris Bryant – Scratched with back soreness after just returning a few days ago. “So, I just do nothing, and they’ll trade me and $100 million to a better team?” That’s Kris Bryant talking to Nolan Arenado. Right now, Kris Bryant and Bud Black are doing a Who’s On First with “Bud Black” and “No, I said ‘bad back.'”

Dylan Carlson – He hit the IL with a hammy strain, and Steven Matz hit the IL with a shoulder impingement, and, as someone who has both of these guys on multiple teams, can I be the first person to say good riddance?

Lars Nootbaar – 1 run, as he was called up. This guy is such a snack!

Matthew Liberatore – Was recalled with the loss of Matz, as the Cards leave plurality for singularity.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .338. Au Shizz!

Juan Yepez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Won’t ya give Yepez a chance? Sorry, watching the George Carlin documentary on HBO and I’m in his wordplay phase.

Miles Mikolas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.96 vs. Jose Berrios – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.75. This matchup was billed as, “Two guys who pitched very similarly, but one guy has an ERA almost three runs higher because Grey has that guy on teams.”

George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. Jays’ offense goes like this: One hit, three innings pass, one homer, five innings pass, one more hit. Someone pump some oxygen into their clubhouse, they’re about to kick the bucket.

Kyle Lewis – Sounds on the verge of being activated. Kyle Lewis can’t lose! (Until his knee, that is hurt once every six weeks, gets hurt again.)

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .274. How’s gonna be better their rookie year for fantasy: Witt Jr. or Jul-Rod? I’m going with Jul-Rod, but only because he’s making better contact.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .227. Not bad considering I could’ve had him for free in every league, and I paid $35 for Matt Olson. Not bad at all!

Paul Sewald – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.40, and his 2nd save. I don’t buy for one second the M’s finally figured out Sewald should be their closer, but if they did, it took them a quarter of the season to figure out what was obvious in March.

Marco Gonzales – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.74. This start was vs. the A’s, and, without looking at the box score, you couldn’t guess who hit Gonzales if I gave you infinity guesses.

Zach Logue – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.43. Wow, that’s the hardest Logue to sit through since The Tao of Steve.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (4), hitting .287. Jo-Ram’s also got 41 RBIs; Juan Soto’s got like four total!

Triston McKenzie – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Overdue to look at Stretch Armweak’s peripherals, and they’re fine. I mean, okay. Just all right. I’ve seen better; I’ve seen worse. Do you not know what okay means? Still feels a blowup away every time. Streamonator does love his next start though, and I can see why.

Elvin Rodriguez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 9.39, as he filled in for Eduardo Rodriguez, not because he’s good, but because it helps with pre-filled lineup cards.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last week. Picked up Schoop last week and he’s given me more in five days than Teoscar has given in his entire life. Small exaggeration that I’m not taking it back.

Max Kepler – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hit a grand salami in the 1st. A great German salami with the bases loaded — a grandjäger.

David Peterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16, as he replaces Megill…or is it Scherzer…or is it deGrom…or is it Carrasco…wait, Carrasco isn’t hurt yet. Peterson is a 4+ ERA pitcher in the minors, and no Ks in the majors. I don’t trust him at all, but if the league is deep enough, I suppose, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Albombso!

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2). That’s salt in the Giants’ eye doing that to them. They’re gonna sue for a trademark infringement. “Hey, a random, no-good, utility player hitting well?! That’s our thing!”

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.25. Ya know, it’s weird, all pitchers seem to be overperforming, except the Giants, who always overperform. It does you, Cobb’s current owners, no good to hear this, but he should be so much better, i.e., big Buy Low.

Aroldis Chapman – Could be IL’d, due to his Achilles. Grab Clay Holmes right now! Stop reading this dumb-dumb Grey, and start picking up Clay Holmes! By the by, on the Player Rater, Clay Holmes is the number one reliever. Not Josh Hader. In fact (Grey’s got more!), Hader’s not even number two.

Gerrit Cole – 8 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Getting hit by the Orioles would be a good excuse for me to grab a bucket of water, jump on a soapbox and lather up the masses with top pitchers stink, but I ain’t gonna lie, 11 Ks isn’t bad, and I’d take it.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .325. Have you ever seen Judge? Honestly, I’m surprised he doesn’t do this every year. He looks at a baseball wrong, and it jumps 390 feet.

Ramon Urias – 3-for-4, and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last week. Was thisclose to picking him up in one league, because he’s been a light schmotato for about a week.

Jordan Lyles – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.10. If you started Lyles in Yankee Stadium, you have pants grapes bigger than the walnut under your head skin.

Aristides Aquino – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer. Oh, I’m sorry, are you not familiar with the GGOATOAT? The Greatest GOAT of all-time, Broseph. Do you not know? He gets incredibly hot for a few weeks at a time (and cold for three years). Better watch out if this is one of those hot streaks!

Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .221. He hit .221 in April, and guess what he’s hitting in May. I’ll give you one guess.

Patrick Wisdom – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in four games. *shoves Kole Calhoun out of the way* That’s not the hottest schmotato in the land! This is!

Ian Happ – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Is it me or does it seem like Ian Happ homers, and his collective homer tally goes down? Every time he homers it’s his 4th homer! How many fourth homers can one man get?

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-5, and his 5th homer, hitting .221. Been a little touch and go with Witt early on, but he’s hitting third, and he could get scorching to a 25/25 season still.

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in five days. Just before his last homer, I grabbed him in my RCL league, and have held him since. I’m not sure this is the flex I think it is.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (3) and legs (7), hitting .214. Why can’t Matt Olson and Teoscar turn their seasons around like Merrifield? *screaming at the heavens* Why?!

Zack Greinke – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.53 vs. Zach Davies – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.81. You really need to be a fantasy baseball writer to appreciate how real I’m being when I say, if a politician were running on the sole promise, “Make all Zack names spelled the same,” I’d vote for him.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Wisdom and Walker are battling it out over here for the most unbelievable homer total for all of us to feel extra bad, as we wait at the curse-lifter’s office trying to fix Teoscar and Matt Olson.

Pavin Smith – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Freddy Peralta – Hit the IL with a lat strain. Welp, that’s better than his shoulder, but it’s still going to sideline until August, is my guess. Should give Aaron Ashby a little runway to glide through a few turns and make fantasy owners smize. What, no ANTM fans?

Josh Hader – Out for a few days with a family emergency. Devin Williams should be the guy, assuming he doesn’t randomly pick a fight with a wall.

Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Just once I am asking to have a pitcher on my team who should be a 4.50 ERA guy and is pitching an under-3 ERA. Just once!

Hunter Renfroe – Left yesterday’s game with hamstring discomfort. Ah, yes, the ol’ “Locked into my weekly lineup on Monday after getting one at-bat all week.” A chef’s kiss that can be heard over the Purple Mountain Majesties.

Joan Adon – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.97. Nats are so grateful the Reds exist so they’re not the league’s biggest joke. Joan Adon wasn’t even a competent women’s studies teacher. What’s she doing in the league? Hit the bricks!

Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.38. I wish I missed as bad to draft the injured-during-spring-training Wheeler in all my leagues instead of Robbie Ray. What an error to not make that mistake.

William Contreras – 2-for-4, 1 run as he started in left field and hit 2nd. *does a little dance, falls into a split, Cougs places jacket over me like James Brown* Oh, LETSSSSSSS FFFFFFFFF GOOOOOOO!!!

Tucker Davidson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.71. Usually young Braves’ starters have three solid starts, before two awful ones, and then are sent down. Not a good look, Tucker!

Tyler Anderson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Debated doing the lede about Anderson, but A) It was vs. the sad Gnats. B) He’s a Streamonator call. C) There’s no C.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .310. I know the Dodgers and Braves didn’t trade Freeman and Olson, but it feels like a trade in my head, because I have Olson on multiple teams and thinking of it as a trade is the easiest way for me to be mad at Olson. I’m pulling up a picture on my computer of Peggy Olson and screaming, “I’m a Mad Man!”