White Sox Bats Turn Hunter Into The Hunted

The White Sox have been homer-less all season. Not literally. But it’s been bad. Andrew Vaughn (1-for-3) hit his 16th homer. It is so wild that he leads the White Sox in homers. White Sox all went to the offseason seminar at the Ramada titled, “Arraez and Shine,” hosted by Luis. This September Eloy Jimenez (0-for-3, 1 run) became the first White Sox player in a month with five or more homers. On the reals, that’s awful. Is it the humidor? Tony La Russa muttering, “Bunt” from the hospital bed he’s had them tow into the dugout? Or something else? I’m not sure, but it’s comically bad. Though, yesterday was a reprieve. Yasmani Grandal (2-for-3) hit his 5th homer. Yasmani is generous, more like Yasbarelyani. Yoan Moncada (4-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 10th homer. I’m not joking when I say it looked like the White Sox were taking batting practice vs. Hunter Gaddis. Gaddis sounds like gibberish for “Got his ass,” and they did, indeed. Elvis Andrus (1-for-5) hit his 14th homer, and will once again be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because otherwise would be malpractice, and you’d sue me, and I’d have to relocate to Mexico under an assumed identity, and get mixed up with a bunch of anarchists. Finally, Gavin Sheets (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 13th homer. Fun fact! I call my toilet, “Havin’ Shits.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.99. On a scale of 1 to 5 crotch grabs, I’d put this start at 3 crotch grabs. Like Harvey Weinstein in a prison cell with conjoined twins. By the way, what happens if a conjoined twin commits a crime but not his twin? These are the kind of things that keep me up at night.

Hunter Gaddis – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 18.41. Evan Gattis likely is a better pitcher than Hunter Gaddis, but until Evan Gattis accepts my invitation to pitch for the Razzball softball team, we will not know.

Gavin Lux – Taking at-bats at Dodgers’ spring training complex. Lux is not on the IL, but also not healthy. If you need him, that’s just your Lux.

Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. De La Cruz has been a little Soler substitute. An eeny meany, meany, meany, meany (say what?) sub, call him De La Soler.

Jordan Groshans – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Look at your grandmother’s favorite supermarket stocking some pop! He ain’t Zabar’s, baby, he’s Groshans! I went over him the other day when he was called up, click his name and you’re magically transported to the last article about him.

Pablo Lopez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99. The price next year is gonna be good, and we’re going to go back in and everyone’s gonna be like, “Dah! Of course!” Then he’ll be traded to the Red Sox next July and suck. Sorry, this fortune teller gives me way more info than I need.

Dylan Floro – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.45, as he got his 5th save with Tanner Scott working a clean 8th. So, what does that mean for saves going forward? It means try a different bullpen.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 38th homer. It’s truly fascinating how many homers “Guys who can still hit homers” are hitting this year vs. Juan Soto–I mean, guys who weren’t stereotypical home run hitters. I do wonder if Juan Soto’s oppo tacos, became warning track flyouts.

Brandon Marsh – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs, and a home run shy of a cycle. Hitting .300-ish in the last month, and has been solid since coming over from the Angels. Hey, at least the Angels got…What did they get again? They got a bad catcher and Tucker Davidson in two deals…hmm…I think the Phils were the bad catcher deal.

Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.18. This start was vs. the Marlins? Bro, what even happened to this guy? He used to be so good! Am I the only one who remembers? Verlander returned from surgery and looks better! Syndergaard returned and looks bleh.

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.34. His ADP next year is gonna be high, but still not too high. *rubbing hands together* Gimme!

Nick Gordon – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. You wanna bawl your eyes out? Check out how many people have fewer homers than Nick Gordon. Dude, six Nick Gordons can fit into Miguel Sano’s pants, which is also how many more homers he has than him. Two Nick Gordons in Kris Bryant’s pants.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-2 and his 21st homer. In the end, not a terrible year (for him). On the Player Rater, he’s around that of Josh Rojas, Justin Turner–Meh, you don’t need me to go on.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. His projections next year will be roughly 35 homerishly (totally a word, and, yes, that was two hedges surrounding 35). 35 homers as a catcher? He might just have an ADP in the top 50 again.

Daniel Lynch – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.15. Read an article in The Athletic yesterday about Royals’ pitching, or lack of it. Gist is they rely on garbage fastballs, and have no command. Well, yeah, I could’ve told you that!

Drey Jameson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, in his first major league start. Did Tyler Gilbert throw out the ceremonial first pitch for our once-a-year random Dbag debut that is better than anything we should ever expect? Wait, they already did this with Ryne Nelson. Hey, what gives? Not sure why Drey’s pitching still when he’s already thrown 132 2/3 IP in the minors, or better yet, why with a 6.95 ERA in 114 of those innings in Triple-A.

Carson Kelly – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .214. Damn, tough average for the Dbags’ leadoff hitter–Hold up, yesterday he was hitting 7th. Fine oiled machine of a team that has a .214-hitting catcher hit leadoff some days, and 7th other days. Just very smart mucusy noodles in the brain custard.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer. As someone who bought into Ketel this preseason, I have good news for you: I won’t be buying into him ever again!

Sean Manaea – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.18. I got a bunch of sleepers right this year! Really happy with some of my calls. Manaea? Oh, that one was not good. Not sure what’s going on with the Padres, but they used to be the home of great pitching, now their arms are getting Hader and Hader to trust.

Nick Senzel – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Briefly thought he retired. Not sure if I’m happy or sad he didn’t.

Aristides Aquino – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer this week, and you know I like this schmotato enough to put him in the afternoon Buy column.

Chase Anderson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.43. Taps person on shoulder, “It worked out okay. Chase Anderson wasn’t terrible.” Sorry, I was just telling the guy with his head in the oven, wearing a “No funeral” sign, that his desperation start of Chase Anderson wasn’t as bad as he expected.

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Streamonator doesn’t like his next start, but I can’t imagine not starting him. We’ve come too far. Miles, you could say.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th steal. That Cake Batter is runny!

Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Been a slow, dreary decline in the 2nd half for Gausman’s ERA, but, in fairness to him, he’s been super unlucky. His BABIP of .370+ is like if a hitter knocks a 85-MPH grounder to short and a squirrel grabs the ball and throws it into short left.

Shane Baz – Will not appear in games again this season. Same.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. If I just saw his moonshot home run, I’d think he had 40+ homer power. If I just saw his biceps, I’d think he had 50+ homer power. If I saw his ground ball rate, I’d pray for those ants.

David Peralta – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .254. The Rays’ lineup yesterday was the first time a MLB lineup was all Latino, and it was on Roberto Clemente Day. To really drive the point home, they should’ve DFA’d Brandon Lowe.

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. He’d be leading the White Sox in homers by three. Sorry, that is still very crazy to me.

Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13, as he was activated from the IL. You could’ve put every possible outcome on the table before this game with Kevin Cash managing and an ace returning from an injury. Under 3 IP from Shane? For sure that was possible. 5 IP of 3 ER-type snazzie-ma-doos? Yeah. 4 IP, 1 hit, and out after 50 pitches? You bet (and use this affiliate code). 9 IP, 0 ER? Sure! Every possible outcome! In retrospect, what he did do was prolly the most likely, because, well, he did it. He was regularly hitting 100 MPH yesterday and seemed more or less himself, across 69 pitches. Hey now!

Francisco Lindor – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. You feeling comfortable about getting back in on Lindor next year in the top 20? I’m not sure I am, tee bee aitch.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.70. You ever see his name and think of Soda Popinski but want to call him Cola Carrasco? Hmm, might be me. So, this was vs. the Pirates on Roberto Clemente Day, who celebrated by doing what they do best which is not be good, but Carrasco went 104 pitches, which gives me hope, even if the Streamonator is lukewarm on his next start. Lukewarm Cola? Don’t leave me flat!

Tyler Beede – Designated for assignment by the Pirates. Pretty sure when the Pirates DFA someone the people who get notified about a player becoming available are A) In Korea. B) In the Home Depot Hiring Department. C) There’s no C. By the way, wanna have some fun? Search Tyler Beede’s name from January through April of this year among fantasy baseball ‘perts. Some takes were made!

Jhoulys Chacin – Rockies released Jhoulys, like you at a dog park. Chacin ranks second on the Rockies’ all-time list with a 4.05 ERA. All-time Rockies pitchers list is like the world’s tallest midget contest.