That Sal Folks Up The Giants

Sal Stewart (2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .323) is the first time in the history of the Reds that I’ve liked a hitter coming into the year and he’s actually performed well. Matt McLain? More like Matt McLame (wiped out his whole family with that one). TJ Friedl? More like TJ Friedmegood (burned myself there). Elly’s been great, but I think I expected a 40/70 season, so ya came up short at short! Spencer Steer? Steer me away! Noelvi Marte? I can’t even speak on him he hurt me so much! This has been going on for years too! “Jonathan India will surely follow up his rookie campaign with a solid season, right?” Rhymes with Mumbai and it goes: Bye bye! “This will be the year of Will Benson.” Two seconds later, no, it’s not! CES? It’s not YES. Nick Senzel? Are you senzeless?! Drury, Moistasskiss, Aristides Aquino? Bad, terrible, worstides! Sal Stewart though? He’s my perfect boy. (Wait until next year when he’s awful after I draft him in the top 25.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Was getting a lot of questions about trading him away yesterday, and I have no idea why. He’s on a 40/50 pace.

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .250. I need him to do one of those 45 homers in two weeks streaks, badly, because I was the Eugenius who drafted him in a few places.

Rhett Lowder – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52. His peripherals are Lowder and dirty, and not in a good way.

Harrison Bader – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. That opens up at-bats for Drew Gilbert–Hold up! As I was looking at their depth chart, Casey Schmitt (0-for-4) is now their three-hole hitter? Is that fo’ reals? Have the Giants given up already?

Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (1 BB), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.49. Positives: He was hitting 98.9 in the 1st inning. Negatives: He was down to 95 MPH by the 6th inning. Positives: He only gave up four hits over 90 MPH. Negatives: The four hits under 90 MPH still count, even the janky 29 MPH, 76 MPH and 72.8 MPH singles. His underlying numbers are all good, except his command (4.6 BB/9), but that was better yesterday. I’m encouraged but was way more encouraged early in his outing vs. later.

Jeremiah Jackson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, three homers in three games. There’s no hotter schmotato than Jermajesty!

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.96. I know we’re not in leagues with expected stats, but Bradish is pitching better than EdRod. With that said (quick u-turn!), Streamonator likes EdRod’s next one and I could see it.

Adrian Del Castillo – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .346. I don’t know why they’d go back to Moreno when he comes off the IL, but the DBags will. Oh, they will.

Sam Antonacci – 1-for-3 as he was recalled from Triple-A. Here’s what I said the other day, “Last year, Antonacci went 5/48/.291 in the minors with a 14.1 K%. He seems like a poor man’s Caleb Durbin. Call him Caleb Barginbin.” And that’s me quoting me! He seems fine in a 15-team mixed league and deeper and possibly in shallower, depending on your MI shituation. If the power he showed in the WBC for Team Italy translates to MLB, then he could be better than Durbin, and what the actual gabagool is going on with Vinnie P. and Caglianone?

Jake Fraley – 1-for-3 and a slam (1) and legs (1), then was lifted for a pinch-hitter, Jonny DeLuca (1-for-1, 3 RBIs) who hit his 2nd homer, because Kevin Cash is a stupid, evil genius.

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not bad for transpo used in The Toy.

Jose Quintana – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.63 as he was activated from the IL. Good to have him back. Jo-Qui, just Jo-Qui.

Spencer Arrighetti – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 10 Ks, as he was called up. I like him; I picked him up; I went over him yesterday. This start was vs. the Suckies, though.

Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer. My fantasy teams with Yordan from last year are doing so good as they live on in the metaverse.

Enyel De Los Santos – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35, and his 2nd save. The closer hot potato in Houston might’ve finally stopped getting tossed. If you found us from googling “getting tossed,” um, not sure what you’re looking for, but you’re welcome! Wouldn’t be shocked to see Bryan King get the next save, but it could just be Enyel’s job. Worth grabbing both.

Trevor Megill – Sounds like the Brewers are weighing other options at closer. The soul weighs 21 grams, weighing a change at closer has to be at least two pounds. I looked to add Abner Uribe (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.91, and his 1st save), but he was not available in my leagues. Better luck to you, save vultures! By the way, I don’t know if this is just Abner for good now as the closer. Though, it could be.

Chad Patrick – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.95. Never seen such awful peripherals as Chad Patrick’s. They’re hideous. I might not even use him if it’s favorable on the Streamonator.

Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.74. Make that my teams in the metaverse with Yordan and Cease.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.94. I’m sorry if you have this guy, but this is tremendous content. Terrible, terrible, you bench him and he’s great!, then terrible again. He’s well-named because you say his name when you roster him and it’s not blasphemy. It’s blasphemous what he does to you!

Bryce Harper -1-for-4 and his 4th homer. That gives him four homers and 12 TikToks on the year.

Trea Turner – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer, hitting .260. Treat Urner hit that homer 423 feet. Elias Vibes Bureau said that’s 40 more feet than anyone thought possible. Elias Sports Bureau said we’re not related to the Vibes Bureau, and we’re currently in litigation.

Nico Hoerner – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (6), hitting .324. In retrospect, does it make sense to anyone how Nico was going 70 picks after Trea?

Dansby Swanson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 3rd homer in four games, hitting .200. That’s Dansbenetton to you!

Shota Imanaga – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Shota looks solid under the hood, okay, that’s underselling. Shota looks like one of the best pitchers in baseball, when just looking at his peripherals — 12.7 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 2.46 xFIP, velo up and straight butter. I’d rerank him as a top 10 starter.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 0-for-4, hitting .254. He hits 2nd every game. He has one run all year. He’s on pace for eight runs. For the season!

Seth Lugo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.48. Wow, he must be pitching so well because he’s imagining himself pitching vs. the Royals’ lineup.

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I’m pretty sure I could pitch against the Royals right now. These Royals have scurvy! Please, someone who can hit? Storm the palace and turn them into a constitutional monarchy!

Corey Seager – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. 12 homers, that’s his first IL stint, just an eff why eye.

Joel Kuhnel – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. As soon as I say he’s the A’s closer, he will give up 5 ER in a 1/3 IP. So, he seems to have emerged as a leading candidate.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .304. Thank you, Mr. Bangeliers, may I have another?

Jacob Wilson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .254. He’s not overdue for a homer. He’s overdue for a 4-for-4 with four singles.

Randy Vasquez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.49. Damn, Regression Fairies, ya’ll going after me like I mismatched my socks.

Emerson Hancock – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.28. Ya know “A little knowledge is a dangerous thing” that’s some with stats. After I said, Hancock looked excellent in his first start, some were like, “But he had a low swinging strike rate,” or something. You may as well be claiming a player has low T. It was one start. I merely said I wanna get aboard and see where it goes. There’s no harm in that. He’s currently looking like one of the early breakouts.

Andres Munoz – 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.45. It’s the closerpocalypse! Hide your women, children and relievers who are in line for saves!

Luke Raley – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .339. Luke Raley has been better than Vinnie P., kill me now.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.50, as he pitched, but didn’t hit. Makes it easier to decide how to play him, at least, but I hope nothing’s wrong. Yes, it’s comical “just pitching” isn’t enough.

Dalton Rushing – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .529. I know he’s behind Smith, but I’m so glad I just picked him up anyway. He’s about to have a top 12 catcher season in only 300 ABs.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Teoscar Hernandez (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 4th homer and Hyeseong Kim (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer. Dodgers are relentless, and I want no part of them at home.

Devin Williams – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.75. Kazaam!

Carmen Mlodzinski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.77. Saying Mlod like I’m in the Game of Thrones universe. Okay, time to dig in! [makes farting noises with hands under pits] That was me getting ready still. He’s an under 9 K/9, 3+BB/9 with declining velo but mostly a splitter/slider guy. It’s okay. In most shallower leagues, it’s a Streamonator call.

Dennis Santana – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.00, and his 2nd save. He’s the closer. I think. Maybe. No. He is. Maybe.

Liam Hicks – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. This is the best Liam performance since Oasis got halfway through Wonderwall before screaming at each other and storming off the stage.

Martin Perez – Signed with the Braves. This is a shot through my heart, piercing right where I had Didier Fuentes’s name tattooed.

Bryce Elder – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.77. Picked him up in FAAB in one of my leagues for $57 out of a $1000, and I’ve been very happy with him. It’s a little bit smoke and mirrors, but not as much as maybe you think. He looks like a solid #4.

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .229. “You can try to use his body to go down the log flume, if you like–Hold on! He moved! Riley’s alive!”

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Olson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer. Thank you, Mozzie Olbies, which sounds like the first thing an alien would say after landing here.

Austin Martin – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Wonder if he’s related to Pirates great, Bill Maserati.

Ryan Kreidler – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. After the Red Sox leave town, an innovative manager would have the Twins hypnotized into thinking they’re always facing the Sawx. Shame Derek Shelton can’t even figure out lineup cards.

Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “It’s the Story of a man named Brady House…” That’s me mumbling after falling asleep to Nick At Nite.

Connelly Early – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.29, and tamed that wild beast, the Twins, and turned them into Gemini. Connelly needs to rein in his command a bit. But it’s Early. Bam! High five me! No? You’re right.

Slade Cecconi – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.03 vs. Dustin May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.98. “Being out-pitched by Dustin May leads to an automatic demotion to the minors.” That’s me pitching new rules to MLB.

Luis Gil – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.00. He looks like, “Is he going to the pen or the minors when Rodon returns?”

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Aaron Boone let Ben Rice (0-for-4) play, but now he’s cooled off. Great work, Boone! Or should I say, great work, William H. Macy in The Cooler.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 4th homer in three games. The last visiting player to hit homers on three consecutive games at Yankee Stadium was Miggy Cabrera in 2013. They’re the only two to ever do it. That’s a situation where I’m not sure which player should be more honored to be mentioned. Two of the best of all-time.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .218. He’s making me wish I punted catcher harder, but with my foot.

Jordan Romano – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 8.44. He’s given up 5 ER in his last 1/3 IP. Cheese-us, he sucks. I like the idea of Chase Silseth getting looks, but Drew Pomeranz would likely be next in line.

Jorge Soler – Suspension was reduced to four days and began serving it yesterday. For those doing the math, his suspension was shorter than Reynaldo’s, but I’ve said my peace on this. I am the only person for the Stand Your Mound Law.