Put On My 3D Glasses And Buy Villar

(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)

Giants’ President Farhan Zaidi puts some soil on top of a newspaper clipping of Jonathan Villar’s DFA’ing. Waters it every day for five weeks straight, then what slowly crops up from it is David Villar. Do they have to now feed and take care of David Villar or does he take care of himself? Are there rules to caring for a newly sprouted David Villar? I don’t know, but there’s nothing Farhan Zaidi can’t do. Zaidi is the original Zaddy, amiright? What is a Zaddy? I have no idea. In order to give you some cold hard facts (facts that I place in an Igloo at the foot of my bed), I went to look at the Giants’ lineup to make sure David Villar was an everyday starter, and that team is so hilariously bad. Their lineup is, “What happens when reasonably thought-out platoons go very bad.” Joc Pederson should be in a platoon? Okay, and so should Lewis Brinson. LaMonte Wade Jr.? He’s gotta be in a platoon, and so should Austin Dean! J.D. Davis? Oh, he must be in a platoon. Great, because Wilmer Flores has to be in a platoon too! The only problem? One of these platoons would be fine, but to have seven of them? Ha, my gawd, bro. That’s awful. Someone said they could have an entire lineup of platoons, and no one asked if they should. So, is David Villar in a platoon? I don’t think so. He seems to be the only one not in a platoon. Of course, the only reason any of this matters is because he’s been crazy hot, and has big-time power. In 84 games in Triple-A, he hit 27 homers, and .275. In the majors, his average is likely not going to ever be that high, but the ball off his bat might. Bam! Hashtag nailed it! Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Eric Haase – What a guy has done, or Haase done, as the case may be, over the course of the season, doesn’t matter at this point. If a guy was good in April, it’s irrelevant at this point. With that said (Grey’s about to turn this ship around!), I was just looking at Eric Haase on the Player Rater, and it’s not great, by any means, but he’s above Dylan Carlson, and, that’s a big woof at the moon, what on earth happened to Carlson? That guy’s career got so derailed.

Danny Jansen – Putting on MC Hammer pants and doing the Hammer Dance while singing, “Dancing Machine” to the name “Danny Jansen” and spraining a quad muscle, falling into a heap and screaming for the wife to pick up Danny Jansen for me.

Kyle Farmer – Reds have Buck Farmer and Kyle Farmer, and the biggest Reds’ fan, Willie Nelson, smoking a doob, telling the guy next to him at Panera Bread about Farm Aid. That’s an unbeatable combo, like turkey dipped into cheddar-broccoli soup.

Triston Casas – Already gave you my Triston Casas fantasy. It was written while saying, “Wow wee, wee wow.”

Dermis Garcia – He got included late. Ya know, by the Dermis of his teeth. He has 17 homers in only 89 pro games this year…*mumbles under breath*…and a 41% strikeout rate in the majors.

Garrett Cooper – Marlins’ offense with Garrett and Brian Anderson doesn’t sound fearsome on paper, because they have freakin’ Anderson/Cooper. What’s next a linebacker named Wolf who is a blitzer? Anderson/Cooper? Terrible, if you have no New Year’s plans, even worse if you’re hoping to get some power into your fantasy lineup, but they’ve been hot.

Joey Meneses – Told you about grabbing Meneses so long ago, that your fantasy team’s going through menopause.

Edmundo Sosa – Grabbed Sosa in one league, while wearing a McGwire jersey and hugged myself in the mirror for all the 1998 feels.

Tony Kemp – Just thought of something, is it possible to do a shift next year by putting Tony Kemp, or any tiny player, in a Baby Bjorn, and affixing them to another infielder’s chest? Will be writing the league office about possible loopholes!

Elvis Andrus – To illustrate how dumb I am, I just googled, “What does ‘Elvis has left the building’ mean?” Turns out it means he’s left the building. Just out here winning with a giant-sized brain!

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Yo, this Israeli Diner-Falafel is hotter than chickpea! *Cancel Police break down the doors* Please! I’m sorry! Before dragging me away, can I use the bathroom? Please, I have to tinkle!

Rodolfo Castro – Been so impressed by this guy’s power, which brings me to a separate point: Why are the Pirates the only team with early games? I don’t want to watch the Pirates every day!

Yoan Moncada – Went to the 30-day Player Rater, expecting to find some Moncada numbers that were so great over the last month, and instead I found he had one amazing game about a week ago. Meh, 3rd base gets the gas face, so I added him here.

Mark Mathias – Who? I haven’t the foggiest idea, but he’s hot. He’s on pace for a 35-homer, 18-steal, .300 season, which is funnier than anything else Mr. Prorater could come up with.

Brendan Donovan – Going off the last blurb, and Donovan has actually been much better than Moncada over the last month. By the way, if you’re going off of “Guys who have been better than Moncada for longer than a month,” you better make room, because it’s “everyone.”

Josh Jung – Already gave you my Josh Jung fantasy. It had no idea what was to come.

Mark Vientos – Already gave you my Mark Vientos fantasy. It was singing Taylor Swift, but when asked what was it singing, it said, “Nothing.”

Jordan Groshans – Here’s what I said the other day, “Marlins called him up. Groshans sounds like a supermarket that you can’t afford. ‘I want to Groshans for some cereal and it cost me sixteen dollars for Honey Nut Cheerios. Next time I’m going to Whole Foods.’ Groshans, besides being a total rip-off for produce, was the piece the Marlins got for Zach Pop and Anthony Bass. By the way, I understand a lot of music “the kids” like, but I’ll never get into Pop and Bass. Sounds awful. Any hoo! Groshans is a high-contact, .300 hitter-type, who’s got light speed and some power that hasn’t shown up yet. He was in the top 30 3rd base prospects by Itch, and he’s an NL-Only pickup for now.” And that’s me quoting me!

Aristides Aquino – Me during a Q&A, repeating a question back to the person in the crowd, “‘Do I regret giving the nickname, The Greatest GOAT of all-time aka GGOATOAT to Aquino?'” I thoughtfully consider this, then, “No, not at all. Though, when he retires, I can give it to someone else.” The person asking the question rips off his mask, revealing it is Aquino, “I will never retire! Muahahahahahaha!”

Lane Thomas – “Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania, Lane Thomas, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson…” Oh, but Billy Joel isn’t the greatest songwriter of all-time. Okay, tell that to Olivia Rodrigo.

A.J. Pollock – On this week’s podcast, I came up with an elegant solution for the White Sox and La Russa. Have every White Sox hitter take swings, then move La Russa one step closer with each swing. When their swings get worse, that’s the closest La Russa is allowed to the field. He can manage from wherever he is. Parking lot? Sure, there’s cellphones.

Oscar Gonzalez – Surprised to see this O.G. so high up on the 7-day Player Rater, not because he hasn’t been hot, he has, but he’s at best a four-category guy, and that value butts up against a glass ceiling of fantasy value. Also, for those who googled “Butts up fantasy,” and found us, welcome! We won’t judge!

Bubba Thompson – A steals guy named Bubba? What’s next, a singles-hitter named Just Dong?

Zach McKinstry – Taken over the leadoff spot on the Cubs, and, I’m trying to figure out more positives…Hmm, he’s got a little speed, little power, and, um, a good glove? I got nothing else.

Andrew Heaney – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the nearest 7/11.

Josiah Gray – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was just wondering if your store clerk would like some company late at night, since I never have to sleep.”

Jose Leclerc – This is funny in an unfunny way. I kept saying the Rangers remove closers for no reason, in regards to Joe Barlow, but I was sorta joking. They just seemed to replace him with Jonathan Hernandez for no real reason. Barlow’s injured now, but he wasn’t then. Any hoo! It was a goof, I was kinda joking, then the Rangers did the same thing with Leclerc, removing Hernandez! Jonathan Hernandez had a 1.69 ERA, blew one game, and was removed from the closer role. Just like that!

Carl Edwards Jr. – Hard to find a guy who less looks like a burger-eater than Carl Jr., though, if you’re ever eaten at Carl’s Jr., I wouldn’t eat a burger either. Maybe a shake. Finnegan should be out as Nats’ closer, but I don’t know if he is, necessarily. He just “should” be. Also, I wouldn’t chase two deep in the Nats’ pen unless incredibly desperate.

John Schreiber – Red Sox, unlike the Rangers, change their closer once a month, but it’s because their guys overstay their welcome. By the way, a team is not “avoiding naming a closer” or “using guys situationally” if you just throw a guy to the 9th repeatedly until they’re not good anymore. That’s just burning through guys.

Seranthony Dominguez – If I’m Seranthony, I would walk out to the mound to close games with a Corgi on a leash, while wearing a crown. Though, he could be walking to the mound, Corgi in tow, crown on head, to work the 8th inning, which is just embarrassing.

SELL

Trevor Story – How the Story ends, “Clearing the shortstop shelves, putting away the once-promising for the cold, dark winter. Hibernation isn’t just a country filled with people named Hiber. It’s time to turn the page, like a person with very sticky fingers in a library. Poetic, I know. Trevor Story makes me feel that, for what we should’ve had, and ended up with instead. Fin, but not as in a dolphin, but as in the end.” Okay, on the reals, I just looked at Story’s stats and I would move on in shallower leagues, if there was better options, but I’m kinda already interested in that Story for next year.

Wander Franco – Just don’t think he’s healthy, and not sure he’s been that way for a while. Allow me to put on the Semisonic song, Closing Time. You don’t have to go home, and if you’re healthy next spring, you might be able to come back in, but you can’t stay here anymore. If it’s a keeper, I wouldn’t trade Wander Franco for a flannel shirt from the Property Brothers collection at the Gap, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.