Fresh goes better in life with Vientos, fresh and full of life! Ahh…The Metsmaker! Sorry, that was stuck in my head. Now, hopefully, it’s stuck in your head too. Mets called up their next great hitting prospect, Mark Vientos, after Starling Marte went to the IL. Can Vientos play outfield? Absolutely not. Can Vientos run? His speed has been described as “an 80-year-old baby crawling with tennis balls on its knees.” Can Vientos hit bombs? To the freakin’ moon! He kinda reminds me of a young Evan Longoria. Now take everything you’ve thought about Longoria over the last seven years, scrub it from your brain, and think about Longoria as if this is 2016. Your brain in 2016, “Rays should lock this Longoria guy up for another ten years! He’s amazing! Wait! They let Longoria go? Wow, what a mistake! They just let a perennial 30+ homer, .270 hitter go! Rays will be in last place for the next decade. What a bunch of losers!” So, your 2016 brain is kinda remembering correctly. Longo was good at that point. Mark Vientos can be good too. Prospect Itch has more concerns about his batting average in his top 100 prospects. For this year, do I want Mark Vientos in a redraft league? No, I’d want Eduardo Escobar. Or maybe even Evan Longoria. Anyway. here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.48. You’re gonna see me refer to the Streamonator a lot in this post, and, at this point in the season, you should be totally focused on matchups vs. what a guy could do in the big picture. Speaking of which, Taijuan is a big pitcher. What’s he, 275 pounds? He is stacked like a factory making Waffle House restaurants.

Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, third homer in five games, and you’re not going to find a hotter bat in this post to pick up, so schmotato on, you schmotato lover.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (1). I don’t know how to find this out, but Nimmo has to be the fastest leadoff guy with the least amount of steals in MLB history. Don’t bother trying to figure out if I’m wrong. Just nod and say, “Wow!”

Jazz Chisholm – Won’t return this year. This is worse than Ken Burns’s Jazz!

Jesus Luzardo – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.81. Iguana’d to wish you a “Merry Don’t Start Luzardo Anymore,” then I saw he gets the Gnats next.

Brian Anderson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Usually he’s B.A. Brokeass, but even a Brokeass is right eight times a year.

Pablo Lopez – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.04. Pab-Lo, “This one goes out to all those 2023 fanatsy drafters who want to draft me late because my 2022 ERA sucked the big ol’ one.”

Anthony Rizzo – Boone said Rizzo is no longer experiencing headaches. Sounds like they can start having sex again.

Jameson Taillon – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Streamonator liked this matchup of Taillon’s and loves his next one, and I’m about to Taillon myself.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. He hit both homers off Luis Patino (1 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.10), helping knock the shine off Patino.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Thinking about drafting Trout and Giancarlo next year in the same league, and punting runs and RBIs. Let’s go!

Oswaldo Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Mean’s while, on the bench, Oswald Peraza said, “Wait, is that me? Grey’s right, these names are very confusing.”

Corey Kluber – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. More like Klub-him.

Trevor Story – Was removed from Sunday’s game with heel pain. This past offseason, Trevor Story signed up for a Gold’s Gym that was only five minutes from his house, and was so happy to have an ex-major leaguer there to work out with, a one-time idol of his, a guy he’d love to emulate, five-time All-Star, Troy Tulowitzki.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.07. We’re all very aware of his crotch grabs, but it’s almost like he was crotch-grabbed by God starting in August (2.45 ERA) and into September (0.00).

Johnny Cueto – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.09. Against the A’s, bro? Really? C’mon, Cueto! *puts tacks on desk, slams head into desk*

Tony Kemp – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .234. Kemp looks like he couldn’t hit a home run out of Coors if he were standing on 2nd base, yet he’s in Oakland, with five homers, and Jose Iglesias was in Coors with three homers, and Kris Bryant has five homers, but that doesn’t count. He’s being paid $400 mil to not play.

Mike Trout – Sat out Sunday’s game, but hit his 34th homer on Saturday, and now has six homers in six games in a row. Someone gonna dig up Dale Long’s body to bring him to the next Angels game or is it gonna be left up to me?

Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55, and hit his 34th homer on Sunday, but left that Saturday start with a blister. Could the blister derail his historic season that no one is talking about because Judge is having a much flashier season, and Ohtani just had a similar season last year, though this year is even better? Like the Riddler’s garden, a question surrounded by hedges.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game, Kyle Tucker (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 25th homer; Trey Mancini (1-for-2, 3 RBIs) hit his 17th homer, and Maurico Dubon (1-for-4) hit his 5th homer, as the Astros beat up on the Angels. This moves the Angels only 29 games back. Fingers crossed.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 32nd homer. Screaming, “We back baby!” Whispering, “Please let us be back.”

Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 4.61. He was in Friday’s Buy, because Daddy is a wizard! Also, it was a Streamonator call.

Rowdy Tellez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer. *snaps fingers on high school bleachers, singing* Tellez more! Tellez more! Did he hit the ball far?

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. For those of you with short-term memory, Willy Adames was a preseason sleeper. Taking my own flowers!

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.39. On the Player Rater, Woodruff was barely the 40th best starter before this start. Now likely around 35th best. I doubt many people realize just how whatever he’s been.

Michael Harris II – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .311. This is only in 93 games. Braves about to give him a bonus on top of his contract. Add in an extra Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon.

Julio Rodriguez – 3-for-4 and his 24th and 25th homer. I just did a quick google, “Has a rookie ever had a 30/30 season?” And Google’s asking me, “Have you ever heard of Mike Trout?” Shut up, Google!

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 29th and 30th homer. In 2023, Eugenio or Rowdy? Which one first?

Kevin Gausman – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.31. He got the win because the Rangers’ Arihara committed hari-kari and gave up 11 ER, but, folx, don’t mess with Arlington if the roof is open. Well, except hitters, that’s All-right-ington.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Yeah, Adolis was a preseason sleeper too. 1-800-Give-Me-My-Flowers!

Bubba Thompson – 2-for-4 and his 12th and 13th steal, hitting .298. When I saw Bubba got two steals yesterday, I literally did a Tiger Woods fist pump. I can’t wait for the pitch clock and limited pickoffs next year, give us some more steals!

Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.10, and the save. Rangers seemed to have moved onto a new closer again for no apparent reasons. From Joe Barlow to Jonathan Hernandez to Jose Leclerc: How One Team Can Spend $500 Million, Lose 90 Games and Never Figure Out Their Bullpen, your Texas Rangers.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Texting Cougs, “Martin Perez is why I never remember your birthday.” Now we both hate him.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.50. He secured the Dbag record for scoreless innings, besting Brandon Webb. Gallen’s streak then ended at 44 1/3 IP, the 7th longest in MLB history. Right behind Sal Maglie, who was known as Sal the Barber, because he used to put one of those spinning stripe barber’s pole on the mound when he pitched and used to scream, “A little off the top,” after every pitch.

Byron Buxton – Expected to return before the end of the season. Twins said, “Not this weekend, and probably not early next week.” When asked if by the end of this week, the Twins touched their nose. Reporters asked, “As in we’re close?” Twins touched their nose again. Reporters asked, “Close as in guessing the right answer on Buxton’s return or close as in proximity?” Twins did the charade move, that “it’s a movie.”

Triston McKenzie – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05. He’s the quietest near-sub-3.00 ERA guy ever, and also the lightest.

Steven Kwan – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (14), hitting .291. It’ll never not stop (we got some negatives!) being amusing to me that I thought Kwan had 15-homer power. Andres Gimenez (1-for-4) hit his 16th homer yesterday. And-Gim doesn’t have huge power, but four times as much as Kwan. By the way, do you use an Oxford comma before And-Gim? By the way, Part 2: They’re Not Bys The Way, did you see this weekend James Karinchak was checked for foreign substance under his hat? Oh, it is quite hilarious:

Blake Snell – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. Snell ya later!

Joe Musgrove – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. ‘Member there was, like, four days there in early August when everyone was like, “Can the Padres catch the Dodgers?” You don’t hear that so much anymore. Well, whatever, they had a good three days there in early August. That’s worth trading away your whole farm system.

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 3rd homer in five games, and just realized he’s rostered in way too many leagues to be a hot schmotato, for what it’s Cronenworth.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games. If someone gave up on Turner, then they were very smart, but it might be time to go back in for a stretch run.

Andrew Heaney – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Heaney’s peripherals are just about the best you will see in the major leagues. Sure, he has less than 60 IP, but, my God, his strikeout rate and xFIP are gorge.

Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Right now I’m studying the patterns of cherry blossoms blooms. Will get back to you soon with why Seiya’s only hot in April and September.

Thairo Estrada – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and legs (18). If someone asked me to name the guy in the top 100 on the Player Rater, who would surprise most people, I’d prolly say Thairo Estrada.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.60, as he returned from the IL. I’d imagine Seranthony sees some save opps. If for no other reason than the Queen would’ve wanted it. Yesterday’s save went to David Robertson (1 IP, 0 ER, ), though.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer. Can’t believe he’s hitting for such a good average (for him). Still believe he could hit 40 homers one of these years, too.

Alec Bohm– 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. He’s hitting around .330 in the 2nd half with five homers, i.e., a Bohm went off and Luis Arraez’d from the smoke.

Brady Singer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.21. Streamonator loved this start for him, and hates his next one, and I kinda agree. I have fallen in love with Singer, which make me a groupie, but I don’t trust him in all starts yet.

Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and 697th homer in the last 3061 games. If he is sitting on 699 homers on the last game of the season, he’s going to get a dropped-third-strike home run to get him there, if need be.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. I already wanna draft him for next year at an extremely discounted price. Someone get a draft together, and let me get O’Neill around 120 overall right now!

Jack Suwinski – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Mitch Keller – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Went to look at Mitch Keller on the Streamonator, and the Streamonator laughed at me. That hurts my feelings!

Greg Allen – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (2) and legs (8). Fun fact! If your last name is Allen, you can say you’re all-in at any poker game, then when the cards are flipped, and you’ve lost, you tell them, “I was just saying my last name.” This only works once.