Before we get to the action, as Jerry Bruckeheimer would say, I just want to point out how MLB schedules are the most ding-dang-dopey things. That’s right, Triple D, but not as in Guy Frieri. It’s almost like they held yesterday for any games that were rained out all year, then, during the year, they forgot they did that, so they had teams in August play nine games a week, and now we have a day with four games. Just gotta tip your hat to MLB’s stupidity. Don’t even get me started on them ending the year on a Wednesday. Um, are you dumb, MLB? Any hoo! The Elder Gods have spoken, the Lord of the Rings new show on Amazon has sponsored the Braves, and the Gnats suuuuuuuuuuuuuck with twelve U’s. Bryce Elder went 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76 vs. the Gnats, and not even Joey Meneses, the Greek God of “Now’s Not A Good Time To Bother Mom” could get him. Braves are hilarious with how they just call-up guys, and they’re the best pitchers ever for a season, then disappear as quickly. Hopefully not Spencer Strider, but I’m not ruling out TTS, The Touki Syndrome. Elder is a 8 K/9, 4+ BB/9, 4.30 xFIP guy, who I wouldn’t trust in most circumstances, but, for this year in fantasy, all that matters is what the Streamonator says. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Harris II – 1-f0r-4, 1 run and his 20th steal, and he has 19 homers, hitting .305. Yes, Part Two is one homer from a 20/20 season and he wasn’t called up until May 28th. Not gonna get stupid with prorating, but how is Part Two not better than Arozarena? The Rice Bowl or Harris II next year? Is it close? Yes! It is! But MHII isn’t just a VH1 knockoff.

Matt Olson – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, hitting .234. “Hey, if you put a tablecloth over his body we can just use him as a card table–Whoa! Hold on! Olson moved!”

Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Orlando got that Goofy in him! Goofy’s a dog right?

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Can’t believe they let Ozuna visit the White House with his domestic violence arrest, and DUI. He’s much better suited for the Senate.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Mullins with a Mullins In 2021 Night. All fans in attendance got to see a Mullins In 2021.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer. In the silly giant park that is Camden! I mean, not last night, they were in Fenway last night, but Santander hitting 31 calling that park home is impressive. That’s basically 62 homers in Yankee Stadium. Anthony Santander, the new AL home run record holder!

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-2, runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Thinking about drafting Henderson, Mountcastle, Santander, Adley and three Orioles starters next year and getting the O’s face every day.

Austin Hays – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .253. Geez, when will the Orioles stop beating up on the Red Sox, as I say for the first time since 2014.

Rob Refsnyder – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Extreme DMX voice, “That’s how Refsnyder’s roll.”

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Just Doubles did a dong! Just unlike him. The sad news is, this is just the beginning of the end of J.D. Wait until someone gives him a contract for next year. Unless he retires, which he absolutely should, but won’t.

Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 1 run. Send Aaron Judge your linens because he is pressing! So, here’s my million-dollar idea, literally: Judge can’t perform when Roger Maris Jr. is watching, so pay Roger Maris Jr. a million dollars next year to follow Judge around starting in April. Could be the biggest free agent acquisition this offseason.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Israel Diner Falafel hotter than chickpea! Uh, as in beans.

Luis Severino – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.41. This looks like every contending team starter line I’m worried about. Being decent, but babied like a little toddler and pulled early so they’re fine for the playoffs. This week would be my guess for the last time we see anything close to a start for Yankees, Braves, Mets, etc. starters, and all of those starts might look like this. You telling me the Mets are gonna throw deGrom for 9 IP? Please.

Kevin Gausman – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.30. As for what I said on Severino, there’s some teams like the Jays that need to lock up their spot, but that will get closed out soon. Manoah, for unstints, might get a six-inning start next time out, but I doubt he even throws again after that, unless the Jays need him, which seems unlikely.

TJ Friedl – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Speaking of pressing, I’m pressing to say a guy is a hot schmotato after only four games, but Friedl has shown the ability to get hot quickly.

Aristides Aquino – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Reds gave the GGOATOAT the month to show them, and *takes forty minutes to think about how to put a positive spin on this*…well, he wasn’t awful. 6 HRs, .220 in September prorates out to not much worse than most third outfielders on poor teams.

Oneil Cruz – 4-for-5, 2 runs.

Roansy Contreras – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.72 vs. Chase Anderson – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.70. Solid matchup of, “Just go five innings to put me in line for the win, you giant schmohawks!” Streamonator hates Roansy’s next, and I guess last start (oh my God, I’m gonna get sad), but I could see it since the Cards might be cruising to the postseason by that point. Then again, it’s a gamble because Ronasy might not go 5 IP.

Miguel Andujar – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit third. I was a fan of Andujar. A Fandujar, so to speak. A Standujar, one might say. Okay, no one says that. But there’s no world in which it’s okay that a team picks a guy off of waivers, after another team DFAs them, and that guy should then immediately hit third. That points out the largest problem with MLB. The haves vs the have nots. For unstints, so many people “gotta hand it to the Cleveland Guardians” for doing nothing in the offseason or at the deadline. Is the takeaway from this season, do nothing? Because if it is, that sucks. Good on the Guardians for winning the tallest midget contest–excuse me, the AL Central, but they should’ve tried to get better too. Both things can be true. The nuance of celebrating Guardians’ success while not celebrating them doing nothing at the deadline or in the offseason is best left for unwritten 4500-word thinkpieces. Will leave it at, good for who the Guardians have but sucks they did nothing to get better.