Maybe because I am not Prospector Ralph aka Endorphin Ralph aka The Prospector aka Prospect Jesus aka Peter, Paul and ‘I Know Prospects’ Mary Well aka The Pro-Spectulator aka I Am Still Not Beating Grey In Our League And Grey Beat Me To Waivers For Rhysus aka No, You’re Minor, I’m Major, But I Know Minors Just Not Like That aka Ralph Lifshitz, but this year’s September call-ups are kinda sad. Do I like Jack Flaherty? Sure, Flaherty is must SCTV! But he’s kinda more to do with matchups. Tyler Glasnow? Well, more on him in this afternoon’s Buy column. Willie Calhoun? Great, but where does he play? Harrison Bader and Franklin Barreto? Haven’t we gone down that road already? I would absolutely grab any September call-up if he was helping me in a redraft league, but the choice between Willie Calhoun platooning and, say, Howie Kendrick playing? Kendrick all day, and twice on Muesday, that magical day between Monday and Tuesday. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Ender Inciarte went 8-for-10 with two runs, 5 RBIs and two steals (18, 19), hitting .310. That’s a doubleheader that would’ve made Ernie Banks blush. And Ernie only blushed one time that we know of, the time Ernie confused Fergie Jenkins with Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas late one night at Harry Caray’s. “Yo, Ernie, what you talkin’ about with my humps, my lovely little lumps? And I don’t know what I’m going to do with the junk in my trunk, why do you keep asking? You holding a garage sale?” I don’t know why I enjoy the sweet stylings of Ender Inciarte so much. I kinda hate guys like Adam Eaton, and we should call Ender, “Cheap Eats with Some Indian Guy Named Khan,” because he is nothing more than a cheap Eaton. Maybe it’s because Ender always comes at a discounted rate to go with his “Yes, You Khan Cheap Eats” shizz. Though, he is a fantasy beast for supporting actual beasts. In other words, Ender is not making or breaking your team, but when you have guys that hit 40 HRs and .250, guys like Ender make all the difference as supplements. “Did someone say supplements?” What the hell are you doing here, Bonds? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Hey, guys and five non-guys, Dylan Bundy has awoken my nethers. But can I “stay awoken” as the kids say? The kids don’t say that, do they? Please, I’m woke AF! Though, I am confused why kids go around abbreviating Abercrombie and Fitch. When I was a kid, we spelled out Abercrombie and Fitch and had summer songs about girls that wore Abercrombie and Fitch. LFO was AF! Yesterday, Dylan Bundy went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.94. An Orioles starter with an ERA under 4! It’s an early Rhystmas miracle! Drop the balloons from the ceiling, Party City! So, looking under the hood, in a non-sexual way, leaves me a little yawnstipated on Bundy. His K/9 is 7.9, BB/9 is 2.6 and a 4.73 xFIP. His velocity’s down this year, but he pitched in relief some last year, so maybe not the best gauge. For 2018, I see nothing here to be excited about, but maybe he puts together a great September, and makes like Fonzie’s horse and says nay to the negativity. I’d continue to ignore him in shallower mixed leagues or use the Stream-o-Nator. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did you hear about the Native American who wouldn’t leave the bathroom? He said home was where the TP was. Hey, this Drunk Uncle Jokebook isn’t that bad! August has been miserable for Jose Ramirez with a .200 average, zero homers and two steals until last night. You can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Thankfully, the eggs he broke last night were the goose eggs representing his power numbers as he went 2-for-3 with his 19th and 20th homer, and his 14th steal. Babies babble on, they lookin’ for excuses. Not here to make excuses for Jo-Ram, but this was his first terrible month in two years. Even Rhysus rested one day a week. His righty/lefty splits are both at .298, which is odd since he’s hitting .300. Did he go 0-for-1 against someone who spit the ball at him? *intern whispers in my ear* I see, the .298 righty/lefty splits were before last night. You learn something gnu every day. Spelling will be tomorrow! Assuming Jo-Ram rebounds for his standard month in September, it’s going to be hard to be too down on him in the non-sexual way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For the last few days, I’ve been in New York for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. With each passing year, he gets more casually racist, and, let’s just say, he didn’t start at zero. I told him Byron Buxton hit three homers on Sunday, and he said, “Byron? What’s he, a Jew?” I told him, no, I don’t think so, but, of course, he can’t hear so well, so he continued, “I didn’t think Jews played sports. Well, I guess he’ll at least be good with the money he makes.” Then he went on a twenty-minute rant about how he’d have more money if he was Jewish (he’s Italian). If you read Who Is Grey Albright?, you’ll know that I was raised by my grandparents, so let’s hope the apple rolled far enough away from the tree. Otherwise, I’m gonna be writing roundups in 40 years like this, “Byron Buxton Jr. – He has better contact rates than his father, and prolly can find a good interest rate, ya know, because Jew.” Here’s my grandfather with the entertainment we got for the party. For those of you that grew in the tri-state area in the 1980’s, you’ll be familiar with the entertainment:
My grandfather’s 90th birthday with special guest, Uncle Floyd! pic.twitter.com/hmAUH2z0Vr
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 27, 2017
Any hoo! Byron Buxton went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and three homers (11, 12, 13) and his 24th steal. A triple slam and legs? What a glutton for wonderful! From the 1st half to the 2nd half, his average went from .216 to .309; his K-rate is down from 31% to 25%; his OPS went from .594 to .903; his ISO went from .090 to .245, and his OBP went from .288 to .350. Beginning to think real adjustments have been made for 2018, because everything’s been better in the 2nd half. His 2nd half has been bigger and better than the pictures I saw recently of Tiger Woods, if you catch my drift. (Okay, so the apple doesn’t roll that far from the tree after all.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Three. Let’s get that out of the way right now, said like Gordon Ramsay. One Polanco to type, one Polanco to dictate the words and one Polanco to move the keyboard around so the typing Polanco doesn’t just keep hitting the same letter. That’s three Polancos. How many Polancos does it take to hit four home runs in four games? That’s one Jorge Polanco. Not Juan Polanco, he’s not a baseball player. Juan Polanco is a cloud competitor in the Vape Olympics. Any of you ever feel down on yourself remember this simply thing: there’s people who compete in exhaling vape. “Hey, guy, you’re not really competing in something, you’re, uh, exhaling.” Jorge Polanco has actually had a decent season (for him), though it’s mostly contingent on his last week. This Buy is wholly contingent on his last week. He’s no longer Jorge Polanco, he’s Jorge Schmotato, and he will rescue your teams from their failings and take out your garbage. Okay, maybe not the 2nd part, but, damn, I wish that were true. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Michael Conforto left yesterday’s game on a swing and miss that dislocated his shoulder and a posterior capsule tear. Dude fell like he was punched in the face by the Ghost of Muhammad Ali. Anyone know if the Ghost of Muhammad Ali was at the game? Float like a butterfly in a sheet… Ever hear about the three drunk ghosts? They were three sheets to the wind. Take it, Highlights! It’s yours! This doesn’t sound good for Conforto. Reports are saying he’s likely done for the year. Taking over for Conforto will likely be Brandon Nimmo. Laura Holt just gave you her Brandon Nimmo fantasy, as if she had some sort of premonition about Conforto. Oh my god, she’s a witch! Hand her a refrigerator and she if she floats! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rich Hill threw a perfect game yesterday — he pitched into the tenth inning and didn’t get a blister. Are we measuring perfect games for Rich Hill differently now? I thought that was his standard. How about this? Rich Hill threw a perfect game through nine innings if Logan Forsythe would’ve stayed down on a grounder to third, which leaves Forsythe with nothing but hindsight. The irony is thick like Nicki Minaj. Yesterday, Rich Hill went 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.32; his only blemish was a tenth-inning, lead-off, walk-off home run by Josh Harrison, oh, that spoil sport. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Lucas Giolito went 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up to take Reynaldo’s rotation spot. The shine, as they say at the complaint desk for a shoeshine man, has come off Giolito. I was all ready to mock Keith Law. I was going to look at what Law said in 2012 vs. now, but I overestimated Law. This past winter he said Giolito could be a #1 starter. I can’t imagine what he said in 2012. Likely that he’s the best starter in the draft. He wouldn’t have been alone with that. Most loved Giolito at the time. Also, as that last sentence sounds, he was the most loved Giolito, with Sammy “The Bull” Giolito a distant 2nd. Lucas’s value has rebounded a bit this year vs. last year. In Endorphin Ralph’s top 100 prospects in the 2nd half, Giolito was ranked 82nd. As a fantasy baseball prospect list vs. a real baseball one, that’s a solid ranking — or is that a solid Ralphing? For this year, I’d avoid outside of the best matchups. Rookie pitchers bring more heartache than your high school sweetheart friending you on Facebook. “Ugh, she’s happy? Such BS!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
We go over Adam Jones later on the podcast. Kidding, no one gives two effs about Adam Jones. I mean, I’m sure he’s a pleasant enough guy. I don’t mean no one gives two effs like a person from Boston before they all became magically woke this past weekend. I’d let Adam Jones date my daughter, if I had a daughter. Shoot, he can date my mom if he wants; I got one of those. I just want Adam Jones in my family! *snaps fingers* They’re creepy and they’re kooky, all together ooky; The Adam Jones Family. Nah, it isn’t about him on why no one gives two effs about him, it’s because of how boring he is for fantasy. Not bad boring, just boring boring. Don’t put words in my mouth. Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Yesterday, he went 4-for-4, 3 runs and his 23rd and 24th homers, hitting .281, and had zero hits the game before, and will likely have zero hits today because he needs to level out yesterday’s wonderful with a strong helping of boring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?