This preseason Gregory Polanco was a Capri Sun. Yes, the pouch drink that you need to stab 17 times to get the straw in. Crazy, right? What’s crazier is I have an explanation! Ready? Here we go, readers! There is something just completely gross about liquids in a pouch. Put some delicious nacho cheese in a ziplock bag. You do not want to eat that anymore. Seriously, cut the corner and squeeze it into your mouth. So nasty! An IV bag? Yeah, that’s appetizing. Why not grab a colostomy bag and cut out the middle man? Bagged liquids are gross. However — again with some stank! — HOWEVER, Capri Sun is surprisingly good. Okay, u-turn to Polanco. This preseason the Pirates looked like a mess. No one really wanted any of them. Marte had a suspension last year, but even he was kind of, “Well, he’s ranked here, so I guess I’ll take him.” Polanco, though? You didn’t even want him around pick 150 overall! It was a “Hmm…Take a boring MI or Polanco” pick. And a lot of you took Ian Kinsler instead! Yesterday, Gregory Polanco went 2-for-5 with two more homers, and is now up to 5 homers, and, as Anime Grey said in the first Buy, Sell, Hold video, Polanco is still a buy. Polanco is orange-flavored water in a silver pouch, the ultimate Capri Sun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Franchy Cordero went 1-for-4 with his first homer as he was called up and hit leadoff. Franchy! Franchy! Franchy! Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me! I won’t pan Franchy’s tools, I won’t suffer any fools, I want Franchy, man, pardon my drools. Franchy is the kind of player you watch and you’re like, “Can I own him in every league on the basis of his sprint speed?” By the way, Franchy has crazy sprint speed yet wasn’t able to make it out there for the brawl — hand on chin emoji. Franchy seems like the kind of guy that will be better in fantasy than in real life. Think about the outfield version of Tim Anderson. I grabbed him in a few leagues to see what happens. Remember, Franchy Cordero marries the best of French and Ranch dressing which is, um, I dunno, do I look like a senior citizen or a sorority girl? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You ever see something and you still don’t believe it? You distrust your own eyes. Well, I just saw a video of this, and I still don’t believe it: Mookie Betts bowls better than he hits. And he hits pretty damn good! He rolled a perfect game yesterday vs. the Yankees (4-for-4, 5 runs, 4 RBIs, and his 2nd homer), but he also rolled a perfect game in the World Series of Bowling last November. On Shabbos, no less! Half of me is expecting someone to point out that it was this other cat, Mookie Betts from Virginia, who is a white guy who looks like Ed Kemper. (By the way, you kinda know Ed Kemper reads Razzball. You just know this.) So, out of habit, does Mookie spray his baseball cleats? Does he ever beat out an infield single and want to sweep out his right heel like he just threw a bowling ball? Between innings, does he play arcade games? How is Mookie Betts a world class bowler and not Matt Albers?! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, it was a good day (freaking brothers every way like M.J.) to be an ace. Corey Kluber went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 1.57, pitching against the Tigers. One of the best, if not the best, pitchers goes against one of the worst, if not the worst, hitting teams, and you have a masterpiece by the pitcher. Just be clause. Qualifying, that is. To not be outdone, Max Scherzer went 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.90, and stole his first base. Take that, Ohtani! Scherzer has 80 grade speed if he’s in a DeLorean and wants to go back to 1955. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m convinced you’d be better off if you ignored everything from Spring Training. For every one thing you gleam from the spring that pays off, there’s five terrible habits you pick up like you’re a priest in The Keepers on Netflix. Okay, maybe you would have seen Joey Gallo wasn’t striking out as much (barely has carried over), but you also would’ve seen Shohei Ohtani looking terrible. Hat tip to someone on Twitter who screenshot this:
So many things wrong with this — Has Bryce Harper ever been bad? I mean, maybe injured, but a bust? WUT. Also, it’s one thing to be concerned about Shohei Ohtani, but bust? He hadn’t pitched one inning in the major leagues by that point and was being drafted around 100th overall. Bust? It was a gamble, risk was baked in. Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani bust…ed out! (See what I did there?) He went 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 hit, 1 walk), 12 Ks. Good luck convincing someone he’s a bust now when trading for him.
The other pitcher with “Otani” in their last name is Jameson Taillon who went 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.26. Last year, I suggested to get his feng shui back, to find his equilibrium, because he couldn’t pitch with one testicle missing, I suggested he put a walnut in his jock strap for balance. Well, I’m not saying he took my advice, but, yesterday, Jameson Taillon gave up one hit. Imagine he was a eunuch? He’d be Sandy Koufax! Wait, was that why Koufax had a girl’s first name? For a while last year, Taillon was treating the surviving twin like a punch bag, but he looks back to the potential ace he once was. Go get ’em, Jameson Walnut! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For thousands of millennia, which is millions of years, Samoans were a persecuted people, due to their big bones. One Samoan, Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la told one reporter, “If you ordered a flank steak, and got a thick ribeye, you’d be so pleased,” then Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la got choked up, “But if you order a five-foot, six-inch man and get a 485-pound man wearing a grass skirt, you make fun.” However, through all this ridicule, the Samoans always had their main industry on the island. An industry that sustained their people. An industry that brought everyone together. However, this industry has taken a hit this last year. This industry is manufacturing tiki torches. Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la said, “Now tiki torches make us racist?! We’re big-boned Islanders, we can’t be racist!” Now, the Samoan people may have had their torches snuffed, but have a new bright spot: Sean Manaea. He’s not big-boned and he has no apostrophes in his last name, but I can assure you he is Samoan. He’s also a straight dazzlenozzle so far this year. His command is at a minuscule 0.6 K/9, and his xFIP is 3.40. His velocity is a little off, and his Ks haven’t been outstanding, but in the early going, with pitching as it’s been, I’d buy Manaea everywhere. If not for him, do it for Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If I had to choose a background song for my Michael Conforto feelings right now, it would be Lucinda Williams’ Those Three Days.
You say there’s always gonna be his swing,
So many DL days filled with screams,
Conforto’s news crawl across my screen,
Shows how he hit an oppo taco that sent him home,
Now he’s beneath my skin.
Underneath my dress, stick their tongues (figuratively),
The first game back a dong, and I am so effin’ alone!
Since those five days.
If I could’ve just waited out his DL trip of five days!
Those five days!
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not want me in five days?
Did you not love me more than Mitch Haniger?
Just for those five days!
I’m literally standing on my table, crying, singing Lucinda Williams. I’m wrecked. I might need a new hobby. So, Michael Conforto — 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer — came back way quicker than I expected, and I’m feeling major regret that I don’t own him. I still think shoulder injuries are tricky — to rock a rhyme, that’s right on time (callback to title!) — but I wish I had a share of him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I believe in all of my sleepers. Yes, even you, Kevin Gausman, but you need to show some intestinal fortitude and less IBS! However, you can only give your sleepers so much leash if they don’t perform immediately. You need to get a taste of the good stuff early on or you might have to abandon ship. For instance, you go into an ice cream shop and you get a taste of the Rocky Road, but they give you a sample with no marshmallows, no nuts, no fudge swirl — they just give you a taste of chocolate. Dubya tee eff! You have to sample on the swirl! That’s what Patrick Corbin did yesterday, he sampled on the swirl. He went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.38. I gave you a Patrick Corbin sleeper this preseason, and he’s all up on that swirl. Giving his owners a swirly even. Hmm, maybe not that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your home runs hypnotize me? Or how about, Gre-Gre-Gregorius? Gre-Gre-Gregorius… Gregorius sung by Duran Duran or Biggie work for me. Fun fact! Duran Duran is the past tense of Da Doo Run Run Da Doo Run Run. Bit a of a trivia whiz, though I did need to Google to see if it was spelled whiz or wiz. Did you know Truvia was discovered by someone sniffing artificial sweetener off a Trivial Pursuit card? Any hoo! Didi Gregorius went goofy time, there’s always money in the banana stand, crying at the end of The Last American Virgin but with tears of joy, with himself yesterday — 4-for-4, 3 runs, 8 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). His first homer went 346 feet, which is almost three and half Cespedes. I was way off Didi in the preseason, but that was almost (exactly) five games ago, let’s forget about that! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Padres starters give me the feels; Mariners starters start the underneath tinglings; Dodgers starters feather enthusiasm on the undercarriage. Reds starters? That park is so blech. Luis Castillo’s sexy, but, again, that park and…I trail off, thinking about whatever happened to Better Call Saul, did that show end? When my thoughts drift back, I remember what I was thinking about, and see Tyler Mahle. More like Tyler Mehle was my thought. Now? After watching him dismantle the Cubs? Color me intrigued, with a red paintbrush. Yesterday, Mahle went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks. He looked shaky as all get out to start the game — walked Happ, Bryant lined out hard, hit Rizzo, then he said, “Good morning, good afternoon, and–Well, I already have two outs, so I’ll have to say good night in the next inning.” And he did. He settled down after that, and no one looked close to starting a rally. He had a bit of luck at one point by getting to face the opposing Tyler after giving up a triple to Baez, but Mahle didn’t exude a whole lot of sweat beads otherwise. I’ve seen more sweat on a girl doing a Tyler Chatwood, which is a euphemism for tying a cherry stem into a knot with your mouth while seamlessly carrying on a conversation. I grabbed Mahle in one league for his next start vs. the Pirates, and plan on going one start at a time for now, but I’m encouraged. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?