Trevor Cahill hit the DL.  Fun Fact!  If you have Hill in your last name, there’s a 100% chance you’re injury prone and will be on the DL for the majority of the season.  It’s a curse that began when Curt Schilling put ketchup on his ankle. With Cahill being DL’d, the A’s brought up Dustin Fowler to, uh, hit.  Yo, A’s, you lose a pitcher and bring up a hitter?  Michael Lewis is right, you do do things differently!  Speaking of do-do, how about those A’s?!  I’m being unnecessarily harsh.  A thousand apologies to the 1,200 A’s fans that are three-quarters of a mile away from the field, just past foul territory.  Any hoo!  Here’s what Prospect Ralph said about Fowler, “Fowler hints at an enticing set of fantasy tools. His combination of power, steals, and the ability to hit for contact make him a potential five category contributor in 5×5 roto formats. Could return a .270/20/20 season if his surgically-repaired knee holds up.  If only we could surgically repair Grey’s brain.”  What the hell, my dude!  Fowler should start at center over Canha, who should now platoon with Joyce, who should be out of the league.  I didn’t grab Fowler anywhere, but I could see it for a power/speed combo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

James Paxton went from a 16-K game last week to a no hitter.  *genuflects*  We’re not James Worthy.  We’re not James Worthy.  That’s how one genuflects in Los Angeles, by the way.  You seeing someone doing it any other way, report them immediately to the nearest out-of-work actor.  You can find one of those anywhere.  *checks kitchen cupboard*  “Hey, weren’t you a guest star on Boy Meets World?”  So, Canadian boy does good in Canada, with James Paxton throwing the no-no.  Unlike a Canadian pitcher earlier in the day who did a “No! No!” and did bad.  Paxton’s line — 9 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40.  It was almost like something clicked with him and he realized if he strikes out less guys, he can pitch deeper into the game, as he also secured his first complete game.  The no hitter was prolly the highlight though.  Paxton can easily be a top ten starter this year with the asterisk that is always on him, *assuming healthy.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Zach Eflin has to be one of the Phils fans favorite pitchers.  His last name just rolls off their tongue.  “You kiss your mother with that mouth?”  “You’re Eflin right!  And I’m kissing her right now.  On Facetime.  She’s a Merchant Marine, and stationed overseas.  It’s actually very sweet how we kiss.  With SnapChat filters.  That dresses me in a baby bonnet.  TMI?”  Sure, it was a short schedule day, so this might have something to do with my joy at Zach Eflin.  Yesterday, he went 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.71.  It’s only through 12 2/3 IP so o?ekávání.  I know.  That’s what I thought too, but then I started looking at his numbers, and, ugh, it’s 12 2/3 IP, but you gotta be Eflin kidding me?  He has a 9.2 K/9, 2.1 BB/9 and a 94 MPH fastball, that is up two miles from last year.  Maybe this is a blip, but maybe this is encouragement you receive to burp from your Facetime’ing mom.  Also, in this game, Odubel Herrera hit some ding dongs — 2-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer — because ODB waited until everyone was out on him after last year.  Damn, ODB, why you gotta ad-lib some fire after I’m no longer invested in you?  ODB with more ad-libs than Quavo after a fifth of Cuervo, and Columbus, Ohio seeing the Cleveland Indians and being like, “Yo, I descubierto’d.”  (I really had to fight for that third rhyme.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Keeping the weekend theme of rookie pitchers not giving up hits, yesterday Domingo German went 6 IP, 0 ER, zero hits, 2 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66.  Since I wasn’t very familiar with German — “Guten tag, give your bratwurst my best kraut.” — I decided to watch this game.  German’s curve was made to look very impressive by an Indians team that still does not look right.  It also didn’t hurt that the home plate umpire gave him a very favorable strike zone — “You wear the lederhosen in the Deutschland, Lance Barrett?”  Kept feeling like a more patient team or just a few calls go a different way, and German has loaded the bases on walks with no outs, and, suddenly, he’s in a five run hole in two innings.  Bundesländer?  V to the ielleicht.  Maybe Sonntag had his Sunday best on, but I don’t trust him outside of deep leagues.  Of course, with that said (Grey’s turning the u-boat!), a flyer doesn’t hurt until the German roofie comes and you wake up in Frankfurt with a burly woman named Gertrude.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“Hello, I’m here to visit The Sciosciapath.”  “We need to see your ID, and, if you’re carrying any sharp items, you have to leave them here.”  I empty my pockets and show the guard my ID.  The Mental Institution of Major League Managers is a relic from the 50’s, a product of discarded patients suffering moral treatment.  There’s Ron Washington chewing on a piece of chalk.  At least, I think it’s chalk.  Over there, Terry Collins is pretending a yo-yo is his arm.  Finally, I see The Sciosciapath, bifocals low on the bridge of his nose, carrying a clipboard.  He is a patient, but thinks he’s the megalomaniacal head physician.  He muahaha’s as he sees me, and screams at a discarded piece of meatloaf, “I told you to run, Darin Erstad!”  Any hoo!  C.J. Cron has finally emerged from the shadow of failed psychiatry in Anaheim and is putting up a season we thought always possible.  This is so unsurprising.  He was obviously a 27-homer hitter for the last few years as The Sciosciapath played everyone else.  If Cron is available in your league, grab him and stop screaming at your meatloaf.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Carlos Carrasco went 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.95.  Whew.  Luckily, Carrasco was in that tier of preseason pitchers I said not to draft.  You still drafted him?  But I said he was like a skunked can of La Croix bacon-avocado cheeseburger flavor.  *scrunches nose*  You didn’t pay attention?  Aw geez.  Why?  Not to answer but to lower your head in shame.  Since you didn’t pay attention the first time, let me say it once more so you can again ignore it, “For the first time in his career, Carrasco (Careerasco?) threw 200 IP last year.  Not bad for a 25-year-old.  Less so for Carrasco who is 31 years old.  I know, I was surprised he was that old too.  Not as surprised, as say, a cat jumping out of a closet.  They should do a Cats revival on Broadway where the whole thing is cats jumping out of closets.”  And that’s me quoting me!  K/9 and velocity stabilizes fairly quickly and, well, his rates are kinda the dog’s breakfast.  His velocity is down over a mile, and his Ks are down from 10.2 to a 8.1 K/9, and he has the highest xFIP in six years.  If this doesn’t worry you, you might be slow on the uptake.  You repeat 3rd grade?  Do you think your password on all logins is *************?  Do you eat Thai and say, ‘Now my stomach is in knots?’  We might have to get you a tutor.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

“I want to recreate the Pequot War of 1636, but I don’t want to use ordinary weapons, instead I want to use diarrhea.”  “How would that work, Matt Moore?”  “I’m thinking whenever I see an Indian, I throw crap.  Then instead of Pocahontas, I can scream, ‘Poke-a-hot-ass,’ but rather than it be traditionally offensive, it can mean the stream of hot ass I’m throwing.”  “Feels a little performance arty.”  Instead of listening to his agent, Matt Moore (4 IP, 10 ER), went ahead with his revolutionary war.  Finally, Edwin Encarnacion (3-for-5, 6 RBIs, and his 7th, 8th and 9th homers) showed up.  “I told you not to put my name on a tag on my foot.”  That’s Edwin showing signs of life.  Might still be able to buy him low due to his sub-Mendoza batting average (.191), but I’d buy fast, because he could go on a 17+ homers in a month power spree.  Also, in this game, Jason Kipnis (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer) said, “JK still playing baseball, not JK as in just kidding, but my initials.  In case, ya know, you thought otherwise.”  I have little to no love for Kipnis, this was against one of the worst pitchers in baseball, and means little.  “I’m not a bad pitcher, I’m a terrible historical recreator!”  That’s Matt Moore.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I’m disappointed, I thought Mike Soroka was the first Thai-born pitcher.  One thing about Soroka, he really brings the heat.  He’ll also answer to Mike The Rooster Sauce.  He’s the spiciest prospect since Pirates’ Single-A phenom, Ravi Gospepradam, and the Padres’ Tony Tarasco.  If only they had that Jays’ prospect, Tom Yum Khai, to cool their palette.  The Braves alone have MLB’s staff highest on the Scoville Scale:  Soroka, Luiz Goharabnero, Mike Frankshotsaucewicz, Sean Capsium and Julio Tahiniran.  Tahini isn’t hot, unless you’re eating it in Iran!  Well, I guess Tahini could be spicy.  If you can make mayo spicy, like Spicymayohiro Tanaka.  Yesterday, Soroka went 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in only 80 pitches, to show you how on the plate he was with that 95 MPH heat.  In Triple-A, he had a 9.5 K/9, 2 BB/9 and 1.99 ERA with nearly neutral luck.  Against the Mets, he touched the corners of the plate the entire night, barely giving anyone something easy to hit.  This was in a debut for a 20-year-old.  He had more poise than Tootie with a book on her head.  It’s gonna be hard to send him down, but I don’t know what’s in store for him.  He might get the Walker Buehler treatment with the occasional start, bouncing between the majors and Triple-A.  Either way, The Rooster Sauce looks red hot!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Corey Seager hit the DL about 15 minutes after weekly lineups locked for the massive Ziplock.  “Yo, I got more Ziplocks than a 5th grade bully stealing lunches,” said the very un-woke fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!).  Never bully, unless you’re like Cougs and you say, “Bully bully,” thinking it’s “Dilly dilly.”  Don’t tell Cougs she’s out of touch!  Then ten minutes later, in a cruel twist of fate, Seager told the world he needs Tommy John surgery that he should’ve had this offseason.  Anyone who reads The Ball of Razz knows I hate Seager for fantasy, so I won’t rub salt in your wounds if you drafted him, but you did it without my consent, so I could retain the legal services of Gloria Allred and send you to jail.  Replacing Seager will be some combo pu-pu platter of Utley, Forsythe, Taylor and Kike.  Corey should be back next year to the City of Angels without missing a beat, unlike Corey’s Angels.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

According to Elias Sports Bureau, Nick Kingham retired the most batters to start a game since 1961 in a debut.  Elias Sports Bureau also said, “There were sixteen cracks in the 5th floor’s tile closest to the bathroom, which is a new record for cracks in a tile.”  Yo, Elias Sports Bureau might have OCD.  On our top 100 starts of 2018 chart, Kingham registered in the top 10.  According to Baseball-Reference, he’s the first pitcher to debut with 7+ IP and not have a baserunner reach scoring position.  According to Kent Tekulve, Kingham was the first pitcher in a 1979 Pirates uniform not high on cocaine since Tekulve.  In all, a terrific debut for Kingham — 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks.  Originally, the Pirates planned on a one-and-done, hit-and-run, wham-bam-thank-you, young-man start for Kingham and see him get sent right back down, but they rightfully are having him travel with the team, and appear to be keeping him up.  His Triple-A numbers (10.7 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 1.59 ERA) say this is the right move.  I’d hold off for now in mixed leagues, but you should cyclops him with a monocle.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?