The Braves/Phils is America. It’s just excess on top of excess. It’s beautiful. It’s like a blooming onion on top of poutine. Sure, one of those things is Australian and one is from Montreal, but that’s exactly right. America co-ops your excess and makes it more excessive in the rebrand. That’s the Braves/Phils. Excessive in its rebrand of baseball. Plus, no pitching. The star last night (for fantasy, at least) is the same star of the last two months since the standing ovation — Trea Turner going 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (27). When you think about it, Treat Urner started playing well after he received positive reenforcement, like every other Treat Urner I know. Next up in this game was two Braves hitters who have been doing this all year: Matt Olson going 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 51st homer. Praying to Allahson for nine more! Then, we had Ronald Acuña Jr. going 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Tildaddy said you can help him take off his shoes! Then Marcell Ozuna went 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 34th homer. Hey, if the Braves are hitting, I look at the pitcher facing them and think, “If he dies, he dies.” Enter: Zack Wheeler going 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.70. Sadly, he ran into the Braves-saw. Then, not to be outdone for the Phils, Nick Castellanos went 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. The wind was blowing southwest off the Greek God of Hard Contact’s mother’s mustache and the ball sailed out for everyone. Finally, Bryce Harper went 2-for-3 and his 17th homer. On one side of my brain, I’m like, “No two players are the same.” On my other side, I’m like, “Ohtani and Dominguez are going to take two months to hit for power even after they return to games.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Pivetta – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Was 5 IP, 0 ER, when I went out to lunch, and that’s when I realized what Pivetta needed more than anything else was my eyes, held open A Clockwork Orange-like, staring at his box score.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4 and his 30th homer. Can’t spell delivers without Devers! No, really, I tried for an hour.
Ceddanne Rafaela – 2-for-8 and his 1st homer, as he hit leadoff in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. Or Rafaela Devers and his 31st homer.
Luke Weaver – Claimed off waivers by the Yankees. They’re fixed! The New York Yanktonians are fixed!
Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 6.14. If you streamed Rodon, you might have bigger pants grapes than brains.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 0-for-4, 1 RBI as he batted 8th. David Ross said Crow-Armstrong won’t play much, saying, “We’re not developing players.” Insert I Think You Should Leave old man meme saying, “Oh my God, he admit it.”
Jeimer Candelario – Hit the IL with a strained back. That’s good news for his chiropractor and Christopher Morel (who I believe are different people).
Marcus Stroman – Could go on a rehab assignment next week. Hopefully there’s no height requirements there.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .255. That, sirs and five madams, is worth an 7-year contract!
Justin Lawrence – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.97, and his 11th save. Bud Black forgot Tyler Kinley was his new closer. That is the only explanation.
Brady Singer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.51. Listen to what I say on this week’s podcast about Cole Ragans, and consider Brady Singer. Also, click on that link and give us a five-star rating, it’s the least y’all can do! I mean, thank you.
Dylan Cease – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.87. I’m gonna have to Cousteau a dive on Cease this offseason. It can’t be as simple as, “The White Sux.”
Touki Toussaint – 1 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.65. Toussaint dropped a Touki.
Yandy Diaz – Left yesterday’s game with testicular contusion. This is known in medical circles as BOFA.
Rene Pinto – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and three homers in the last eight days. A week if Ringo’s reading.
Zack Littell – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.25. He has a 1 BB/9, which is excellent. Thinking next year, I forgo my wont for strikeouts and just draft 1.5 BB/9 and under guys.
Jose Siri – Hit the IL with a fractured hand, which seems to end his season. It does make things interesting in Tampa, as in, how will Cash still find ways to bench Jose Lowe?
Joe Ryan – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.20. He threw 102 pitches (71 strikes), and only two walks, but this doesn’t seem to be him at all. Something is not right. It was a tough matchup, but he’s not a nibbler. Streamonator loves his next one, and I can see why (it’s vs. the White Sux), but I do have less faith now.
Willi Castro – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He is near the top of the 7-day Player Rater, and that is schmotato on the range.
Luis Arraez – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .348. He’s been severely slumping for the last few, and has actually made a race of the NL batting title. Still has a lead, but Freeman’s closer than he has any right to be. Actually, a Freeman has every right.
Ryne Nelson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.53. I was thisclose to streaming Nelson yesterday. Thankfully, I found some daylight between this and close.
Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-3 and a slam (23) and legs (2), as he hits 9th. Just incredibly dumb. As I said yesterday with McNeil hitting third, they have DJ Stewart hitting 5th. I know Stewart’s been hot, I like him for fantasy, but he should not be getting more at-bats than Alvarez, Vientos or Baty.
Pete Alonso – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 44th homer. Albombso!
Ronny Mauricio – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. If Buck Showalter is managing the Mets next year, I’ll discount Mauricio two rounds. He does not know how to handle young players.
Jose Butto – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.46. People that know him say he has mental toughness from having to deal with people saying, “Your name is Joe Butt,” his whole life. He has hideous command (not of his temper dealing with those Joe Butt people), and I wouldn’t go near him.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-2 and his 11th homer. The funniest shizz ever would be Donaldson winning a World Series with the Brewers and saying some shade afterwards like, “It’s nice to finally be on a team that wants to win.”
Shea Langeliers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, 3rd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!
John Means – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 1 K, as he was activated. As I said the other day sorta, I like Means, I’m interested long-term, but he is returning too late for me to be interested this year. And that’s me paraphrasing me!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Au Shizz!
Joshua Palacios – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (5). In another game, his brother Richie Palacios replaced Nolan Gorman and hit his 2nd and 3rd homer. The Palacios run this bizzeach!
Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.95. Oh hell yeah! Only one more win to 200! He better come into every tie game after the fifth inning for the rest of the season.
Oneil Cruz – Won’t return this year. Yeah, well, ya know what? I’m still going to hold him so I can feel pain every time I look at my teams!
Bailey Falter – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, and I agree. Can’t Falter, because she’s always right!
Shohei Ohtani – Sidelined for the 9th straight game, or a week and half he could’ve been rehabbing from Tommy John surgery that he hasn’t yet had.
Bryan Woo – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 his, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.16. Had picked him up, but dropped him before starting him, because I got chicken feet.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. From Woo to Woof. 20 homers? When all you do is homer, that’s not good.
Robbie Grossman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Wow, I haven’t seen a Jim Leyland lineup card in the wild in a while. A Jim Leyland lineup card is when a hitter is hurt and his replacement hits in the same spot in the lineup. Grossman was replacing Adolis in right field, and hitting third. Incredible. Check out the big brain on Bruce Bochy!
Max Scherzer – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.77, and left with a triceps spasm. At pick 100, are you interested in Scherzer next year?
Davis Schneider – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Prepare for a deluge of Davis Schneider sleeper posts this offseason. You’re going to be up to your eyeballs in them. Some of your Short Kings might be underwater in Davis Schneider sleeper posts.
Brandon Belt – Hit the IL with lumbar spine muscle spasms. Sounds like Belt is too tight.
Kyle Hurt – 2 IP, 0 ER, as he was called up by the Dodgers. His Triple-A strikeout numbers are eye-popping: 145/41 K/BB ratio across 88 1/3 innings (25 appearances, 16 starts) across Double and Triple-A. He will work out of the pen, though, so *raspberries lips*.
Freddie Freeman – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. He has 55 doubles. If he gets to 60 doubles, it’ll be the most since 1936, which is also the year Nelson Cruz was born.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.94. Absolutely sicko shizz trying to rope me back in. Leave me alone!
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.43. “Wacha, Wacha, Wacha,” said by Fozzie Bear, as he stood on the ledge of a building during his H2H playoffs.
Rich Hill – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.53. Placed on waivers by the Padres. Damn, I thought for sure Dick Mountain would’ve put the Padres over the top when he was acquired at the trade deadline. I’m going to have a plastic surgeon pull up on my forehead so I appear shocked.
