[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1380460″ player=”13959″ title=”2013 Fantasy Football Tight Ends” duration=”160″ description=”0:23 Darren Waller 0:56 Cole Kmet 1:45 Kyle Pitts” uploaddate=”2023-08-13″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1380460_th_64d83e81af895_1691893377.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1380460_sd_64d83e81af895_1691893377.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1380460.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

Yesterday’s game in Cincy saw the Cubs and Reds combine for 22 runs. So, what’s going on with my son? Elly De La Cruz went 0-for-5 with four Ks? Forget Ticker Tease, that’s Ticker I’m-A-Born-Again-Virgin-From-That-Teasing. Not cool, man! Losing my virginity once was awkward enough! That 22 runs is why I get so scared of Reds starters in Great American Smallpark. It’s dangerous! It’s like if you’re allergic to peanuts and they throw you this:

There was no star star yesterday, but TJ Friedl went 2-for-5 with his 12th homer. Thomas Juice Friedl’s homer was joined by Tyler Stephenson (3-for-3, 3 RBIs), who hit his 11th homer, and Spencer Steer (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 19th homer. Also, same game, but on the other team, there was Jeimer Candelario (1-for-4, 2 runs) with his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two days. *loudspeaker comes on* If you departed the Jeimer train when it became the Jeimer struggle bus, then at the next stop you may re-enter the train. Finally, Cody Bellinger (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 23rd homer and that might be his ADP next year. I believe Cody’s inside the top 25 again. I repeat, Cody is inside the top 25. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Graham Ashcraft – Hit the IL with a stress reaction in his toe. His toe has an ulcer? Hmm, this medical journal is so wasted on me!

Andrew Abbott – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.22. Think we’re gonna have to take a long, hard look at Reds starters next year. They’re developing some good pitchers there, even if the stadium is less than ideal.

Javier Assad – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.69. “After Russian forces were forced out of Syrian, Assad was committed to putting the Reds in their place,” an excerpt from the Washington Post’s sports section. Any hoo! Assad’s stuff looks mediocre and his peripherals say he shouldn’t be this good. Alas, he is. Or has been, at least. Streamonator hates his next, but I don’t see how you can not start him.

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.65. That start looked better, so I went to look at his Statcast, and that looks terrible. I’m not talking about his actual numbers. Though, they’re not good. I’m talking about what did they do to the design? Everyone loved the sliders! What is this:

Jasson Dominguez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer since being called up on Friday. Oh my God his homers are so effortless.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .272. Happy Gleyber Day!

Riley Greene – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation after making a spectacular catch. But at what cost? Oh, right, an IL stint.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.77. It’s gonna be the winter of the Skubal sleeper. Just watch. Wanna bet? I have an imaginary five dollars burning a hole in my imaginary pants’ pocket.

Spencer Torkelson – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Where does Tork get drafted next year? And why is it too high no matter where it is? Nah, if it’s super late it might be interesting, but 30 homers, .230 and a terrible lineup doesn’t sound higher than 175th overall, and I think he might be.

Mike Clevinger – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.90. After pitching well to try to get off the White Sox, he no longer has to try, like the rest of that team.

Jordan Montgomery – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.46. JoMo is almost as bad as the movie Bottoms. I’m sorry, how’d that good reviews? What am I missing?

Mitch Garver – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .280. There’s a parallel universe where Garver’s played 145 games every year of his career and has 35 homers each year. The parallel universe is on planet Garth.

Adolis Garcia – 1-for-5 and his 34th homer, and his 100th RBI, which doesn’t matter because his stats don’t count, because, I think, he doesn’t take enough walks.

Byron Buxton – Injured serving as DH in the minors. Conspiracy Theory Alert! The more dynamic a player, the more they can’t stay on the field.

Royce Lewis – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (4). I can’t explain why you’re not picking him up either. Look in the mirror, and ask yourself.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.54, as he was activated from the IL. He was on the IL with a viral sensation. He had a case of the Oliver Anthony’s. *intern whispers in ear* Oh, turned out it was a viral infection.

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.14. It’s gonna be hilarious when I’m actually touting Sandy for you to draft him next year, but it’s like I always say, it’s about price, and that’s all it’s ever about, and his price is going to be good; I feel this in my old, decrepit bones.

Luis Arraez -2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .356. Not even hitting .360? What a loser!

Lane Thomas – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Fun fact! When Lane Thomas has stubble, he calls it crags and says he’s Lane Thomas English Muffins.

Danny Jansen – Hit the IL with a fractured middle finger. The Jays will now turn to Alejandro Kirk, who, ironically, I’m giving a middle finger.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Yo, one love, but is Cake Batter the most boringest (an actual word) or what?

Spencer Horwitz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. As Horwitz rounded the bases on his home run trot, he handed out business cards to the Rockies players for his accounting business.

Justin Lawrence – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.18, given up 7 ER in his last six games. You might get a save or two, but at what cost? *screaming at the heavens* At what cost?!

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.77.  Streamonator hated this one, but I streamed him, and it shows you: A) Trust the robot. B) Don’t trust a guy that sounds like a furniture store that rents its sofas. C) There’s no C.

Taj Bradley – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.42, as he was recalled. He has roughly fifteen innings left in his arm. I’d suggest they let him throw one inning a game for fifteen games. No? Oh, then he might get two more starts. At this point, he’s a streamer, but he’s going to get all my monocles for next year.

Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Lugo > Corbin Burnes. No! I kid. It’s not even close, but Lugo has been a solid waiver wire pickup.

Juan Soto – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, and his 3rd straight game with a homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper just needed his Padres to be out of the race.

Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th homer. Macho macho Machado, Manny! (Very confusing chant provided by AI.)

Kyle Harrison – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.70. Wow, I didn’t know lottery tickets could actually poop in my hand. That stinks.

Alex Cobb – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.74. I got Cobb’d.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. He has 13 homers in the 2nd half. The most anyone has is 17. (For what it’s Cronenworth, his teammate Casas has 13 homers in the half, as well.)

Masataka Yoshida – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. If I would’ve known all I needed to do to get him going was to say drop him. I would’ve done that in July.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Talk about inefficient; he threw 100 pitches in those five innings. Ain’t trying to be a hater here, but he doesn’t seem right.

Ty France – Didn’t play yesterday. Was hit on the elbow Saturday night, and was in immediate pain. As the saying goes, the pains in France falls mostly on the elbow, as I ‘splains.

Dominic Canzone – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. *pronouncing his name like calzone* Look at my beautiful boy, Canzone! Goes-a so well with a schmotato.

George Kirby – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.39. He was scratched earlier last week, so hopefully he was just off, and not still under the weather.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 40th and 41st homer. Albombso-so!

Jeff McNeil – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. McNeil’s been hot since the All-Star Break. Not to be confused with Lenny Dykstra in a fast food drive-thru, that’s McNails.

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .260, and has been hitting leadoff. The bar for being the 2nd best Angels’ hitter is like the world’s tallest midget contest, but Rengifo is a pretty tall midget in that context. (Or any context, to be honest.)

Zac Gallen – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.48. The O’s face is the opposite of the O face, and happens when your pitcher gets hit by the Orioles.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. If you moved on from Lou-Gu-Ju, you might want to reevaluate that decision.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer. Point in favor of his shoulder not being a pile of mush.

Jack Flaherty – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.84. We’re in big “what does the Streamonator say and decide from there” time. Flaherty’s next start is terrible, and I’d absolutely lose him.

Bobby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. His next start is basically the opposite of Flaherty’s.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 44th homer, hitting .266. You have roughly four weeks to hit 29 homers to tie Bonds, get to work! Okay, kidding, but I would like to see 50 homers from him.

Alec Marsh – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.23. Marsh had all the qualities you look for in a pitcher, except he was developed by the Royals, and ruined. (Remember, Ragans wasn’t developed by them.)

Aaron Nola – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.55. Personally, I’m encouraged that Nola has found ways to give up runs that don’t include only allowing homers. Lowercase yay, variety.

Mark Canha – 2-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (8), and was hitting close .450 in the last week. If you Canha, the world Canha’s with you. When you Cryha, you Cryha alone. Also, hot schmotato alert!

William Contreras – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer. That’s the third homer he’s hit during his 13-game hitting streak. Catchers don’t excite me, but Contcheras do if they’re cheap next year.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-2 and a slam(17) and legs (13), and 2nd homer in as many games. Jerry Tomato smashed that and yelled, “It’s ketchup time!”

Johan Oviedo – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.27. Before the game, “He threw a two-hitter, complete game shutout, and now he’s facing the Cards? Give me that!” After the game started, “Why am I, your most mustachioed boy, in hell?”

Zach Thompson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. That’s nice, but Streamonator hates his next and I agree.

Jordan Walker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games and third homer in four games, and shush! We’re trying to suppress your 2024 fantasy price!

Drew Rom – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.24. Fun fact! Drew Rom is the guy at the Radio Shack in the 1980’s, who looked like Bernie Goetz, and actually knew what he was talking about. Oh, wait, no. Seeing he’s a Cardinals rookie, who had a 4.8 BB/9 in Triple-A, which is hilariously bad, and you should stay away from him and Bernie Goetz.