I looked at Jake Alu. To repeat for emphasis, I looked at Jake Alu. Again, but with an exclamation mark, I looked at Jake Alu! That’s how random I was willing to go for a hot bat for this week’s Buy column. Loyalty and long-term outlooks mean nothing. I’d cut my grandmother if it meant a fantasy league win! Sorry, Nana. So, ended up on Willi Castro, because he’s been hot, that was first and foremost, but also: I haven’t talked about him nearly enough this year. The drawback to my style of roundupping (totally a word!) is if a guy doesn’t hit a lot of homers, he could fall by the wayside. I mentioned Willi Castro a total of seven times this year. That’s a bit crazy considering he looks like he could be in-line for an offseason sleeper post and is a full-time job away from being a 10/45 hitter. The whole “not a full-time player” is more about Baldelli and how he studied at the feet for the statue to Kevin Cash in the Himalayans, where the stone statue mouth moved and said to him, “Don’t be playin’ everyone every day,” then another statue of Redfoo from LMFAO moved its stone mouth, saying, “Everyday we be shufflin’!” Which is why Baldelli “always be shufflin'” his lineup. Castro, for our purposes, is an everyday guy. Don’t wanna give away all my secrets, but ya know what I really like about the 7-day Player Rater? It also has the stats for the last week. Now that I think about it, giving away my secrets is exactly what I’m supposed to do. As you see from the Castro stats at the 7-day Player Rater, he’s been hot, has eligibility everywhere and might be my favorite pre-sleeper for next year that no one is going to talk about. In fact (Grey’s got more!), I can already anticipate no one caring about him even after I post my sleeper for him next year. But this is for now, not next year, and Willi continues to be great, as statement, not question. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:


Logan O’Hoppe – Sounds like a nickname someone would give a short flight out of Logan Airport, and has been hawtter than stank of patchouli in Hahvahd Yahd.

Shea Langeliers – Sia Chandeliers has been hotter than the family jewels in July nuzzled in wool pants. The family jewels being Gregg Jefferies rookie cards. What did you think I meant?

Cavan Biggio – “Remember when I used to throw the ball at your SpongeBob elbow pad when you were three? Do that, but with your bat.” That’s Craig talking to his son through his early-season slump.

J.D. Davis – The J.D. stands for Jonathan Davis. Not enough people talk about this. Topics that should always be discussed: A) Jonathan Davis Davis B) Where the hell did Alek Manoah go for the last few months and why the Jays weren’t able to force him to report to the minor leagues? C) There’s no C.

Mark Canha – Person who Canha’s last, Canha’s the longest (because they’ll have them on their team all offseason and for eternity).

Heston Kjerstad – The other day I said, “Being called up by the O’s after Mountcastle injured his shoulder. Mountcastle said, “It’s elementary my dear…Oh God, my shoulder,” then fell into a heap. Was much more excited about Kjerstad before this call up. When I thought he was the capital of Aruba? No, not that far back. Back when I thought the O’s might play him and he had time to actually play. Not sure why the O’s took so long to call him up, but it’s deflated my enthusiasm. He looks like he could have some power, and might hit .250 with little speed. It’s fine if you’re desperate, and he gets ABs, which I’m not sure about.” And that’s me quoting me!

Chris Taylor – I give Dave Roberts a lot of crap — honestly, I give all managers crap — but Chris Taylor has no business being valuable for real or fantasy baseball ever, and Dave Roberts keeps getting value out of Taylor. The flip side of this is Roberts has been trying to squeeze a useless peg into a potentially useful hole for years, and doesn’t play Busch or other rookies. See, I was able to disparage Roberts a little still.

Michael Massey – Just think, if you pick up this guy and have Cal Raliegh, you can name your team, MmmmAssey.

Christopher Morel – Lots of people moved on from Morel when he went cold, but it’s black truffle season and Morel’s heating up again!

Mauricio Dubon – Every time he gets a hit, I get a Duboner. *Cancel Police break door off hinges, dragging me out* I’m so sorry! I’m trying to backspace and delete! Damn it, let me delete it!

Yoan Moncada – “I told you Yoan Moncada was good!” That’s Yoan Moncada wearing a paste-on mustache talking behind White Sox fans, trying to get them to subconsciously believe it.

Matt Vierling – He’s been hot, so ignore in the short-term what I’m about to say: The Tigers gave Vierling 450 ABs this year and he’s going to end up around a 10/7/.270 season with less than 40 RBIs. That’s in almost 300 ABs coming from the three-hole or lower. Just an incredible amount of meh.

Aaron Hicks – Hicks has been hot too, but continuing on the Vierling thought: Hicks has 200 less ABs and roughly the same number of RBIs.

Austin Hays – In the preseason, I said, “I looked at (Hays’s) power in the new Orioles Park at Camden Miles, and *emoji shaking its head while it stands under a noose while a group of outlaw emojis watch on*.” And that’s me quoting me predicting what would happen to Hays’s power!

Mike Yastrzemski – Thinking about rostering Jake Burger, Carl’s Jr. Jr., DeJong and Jerry Tomato and putting my team on two sesame seed buns.

Edward Olivares – Victory lapping is corny. I don’t like it, but you have to respect how I wrote an Edward Olivares sleeper, saying, “He will be only good during one week of your H2H playoffs, and only barely.” And that’s me fake-quoting me!

Jack Suwinski – It’s too bad Suwinski can’t make good contact (30+% strikeout rate), because he was the fastest Pirates hitter ever to 40 homers — that beat Bonds, Stargell, Kiner, you name it. He also had the 2nd most homers in the first 162 games with the Pirates (33 HRs to Dick Stuart’s 38, who I guess struggled to get the last two homers to 40).

Randal Grichuk – Once a week the Angels put Grichuk on waivers to get rid of him, and they can’t get rid of him. With that thought in mind, have they considered putting the guys they want to keep on waivers? Ohtani, Trout, Rengifo, everyone else.

Jacob Young – For some reason, he sounds like a 94-year-old man. “In my day, hussies covered their ankles.” That’s the 94-year-old Jacob Young. The real Jacob Young has 50-steal speed.

Richie Palacios – His name translates to Dick Palace, which is how he got the nickname, The Underwear.

Will Benson – Is it me (it’s not me) or do the Reds have a new valuable player every week? You could have a fantasy team where you have a “Reds spot” and just rotate only hot Reds hitter each week.

Pete Crow-Armstrong – Just gave you my Pete Crow-Armstrong fantasy. It was written while saying, “Hmm, interesting.”

Tylor Megill – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to Spectrum’s customer support.

Bryce Miller – This is also a Streamonator call. “You should have a button to push if you want to stay on hold. I was having a lovely conversation with your automated machine.”

Chris Martin – Kenley hit the IL and Coldplay seems like the Smartplay.

Mark Leiter Jr.Cubs’ closer options, in no particular order, because there is no particular order: Julian Merryweather, Michael Fulmer, Mark Leiter Jr., Drew Smyly, Jose Cuas, David Ross in a wig, or a bleacher bum who uses a Wrigley urinal for number two.

Aroldis Chapman – Looks like he’s finally figured out how to be the closer in Texas. That’s until their one playoff game — win or go home — and he gives up a three-run, ninth inning homer.

Gregory Santos – Not sure why the White Sox started using Bryan Shaw to save games, but whatever that reason was they used that reason again, and suddenly started using Gregory Santos again. Bummer for chasing saves. Yeah, him too.

Justin Lawrence – In a media scrum, Bud Black said recently, “I heard on one of those talking box things — what’s it called, a television? — they were saying MLB teams are trying to win, so I asked one of my coaches to explain to me what ‘to win’ meant and nothing he said made any sense. Is that what we’re doing out on the field? Trying to win? Can someone confirm?” I think once Bud Black is clear winning is the objective, he might not go to Tyler Kinley or Lawrence as closer, but, for now, that seems like his top two options.


Whit Merrifield – Went to the 7-day Player Rater and sorted by 100% rostered and clicked the $ column twice to sort by the worst, and, to Whit, yikes.

Ian Happ – If you’re still rocking Ian Happ, you have officially surpassed David Ross on the “Ding Dong Behavior” Scale, as Ross has even moved on, sorta. He lowered him in the lineup, which seemed improbable for five months as Happ yawnstipated game after game.

Alex Verdugo – Yet another guy who is a dial tone, then buzzing like the phone has been hung up after the question, “What have you done for me lately?” is asked. Of course, like previous weeks, if you’re in a dynasty league, I wouldn’t trade any of these guys for an airplane coach seat next to someone who takes their shoes off, but I would go to the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.