Greetings weary fantasy traveler. Come in from the cold and warm yourself by the fire. The kindling is wasted free agent dollars spent on relievers. It’s quite the blaze. You may want to take some sustenance in the form of these easily acquired RP assets. First, blurbs!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Please see our player page for Julian Merryweather to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
Howdy-do, Razzgals n guys. Thanks for dropping in another depressing issue of Ambulance Chasers, where ambulance drivers are going bananas and your fantasy lineups are paying for it. Let’s just jump right in this week, since injuries are piling up faster than $DOGE-ers are piling into the bandwagon.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Immortality smells of Chucky Cheese because that’s what Carlos Rodon was throwing last night. *wavy lines* Chyron: A Few Days Ago. “Skip, I don’t think I can go. I mean, I can go…But not like that.” It was Tuesday, and Carlos Rodon had an upset stomach, unable to pitch, but what he was really doing, what no one knew at the time, he was getting out all the runs he had in him. *wavy lines* Chyron: Present Time, uh, Yesterday. Early in the game, Rodon was working a slider, but not darting it hard and high and past people. The Clevelanders were making contact. Struggling, weak contact, but it was there. Then, as the game progressed, Rodon began to get as loose as the buttons on his jersey, and the high Chucky Cheese began to whip past hitters. He was feeling it. By the end of the 8th, a perfect game within his grasp. Strikeouts began to pile up, and 98 MPH Chucky Cheese hitting the upper quadrant of the zone. One out in the ninth on a close play at first, then Roberto Perez dug his left foot in, but he dug it in too much! An offspeed pitch in the dirt hit him. How is it not in the unwritten rules rulebook for Perfect Games that a guy can be hit in the 9th to break one up? So, Rodon’s final line: 9 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at zero, and give him the AL Cy and let’s stop playing games. He’s always struggled with command in previous years, and I don’t think we can say those problems are completely in the rearview, but you never know when a guy turns the corner. The stuff, as they say, is there, so, yes, I’d pick him up in all leagues just to see if this isn’t a complete fluke. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The bomb to right-center, his fourth homer of the year, wasn’t even the most impressive thing Shohei Ohtani (3-for-5, hitting .364) did yesterday. He beat out a single to short with a sprint speed of 29.5 ft/sec. That’s the 5th best Sprint Speed this year, just a bit better than Ronald Acuña Jr. Uh…*looks around for forty-five minutes, looks back*…Is anyone else seeing this? Can Acuña, serious question, also throw 101 MPH and have an under 2.00 ERA? Yo, is Shohei Ohtani really Roy Hobbs? ACKCHYUALLY If you had Roy Hobbs hit a 460-foot homer, beat out a grounder to short and pitch 101 MPH speedballs, you’d be like, “I appreciate the love story, and the friendship he built with the cross-eyed bat boy that he saved from a burning supermarket, but the baseball stuff isn’t believable in this movie.” Ohtani is not believable. That’s it. He’s one of the best baseball players ever, tools-wise. Truly not believable how good he is at each tool. Unfortch for fantasy, the Angels insistence on him pitching is hurting his overall fantasy value. Sorry, I’m not being a giant idiot. I mean, I might be a giant idiot, but not in this case. You miss a game or two each week as a hitter, and your stats are going to suffer. Hopefully, he has three months’ worth of Rich Hill blisters and can’t pitch all year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ah! My good and noble reader! It has been too long since last I regaled you with tales of my raising of an army for the RazzSlam!
Things are… not going well, I’m afraid.
With the injury to Austin Nola documented in my original missives, to the occasional negative-earning performance by Danny Jansen and the continued toiling on the farm of one Adley Rutschmann, I can on very few occasions secure scoring of any kind from both of my catcher positions. Which, given my unabashed and very public distaste for the role, brings me no shortage of rage.
I find myself, as of this writing, mired in 220th place, of 240 competitors. I do not intend, dear reader, to remain at such a mockable rank as this, and so I have turned my efforts to the mysterious legend that can save one and all from the fates of injury, demotion, and generally piss-poor performance.
Have you heard, then, of the legendary FAABidden Island?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yabba Dabba Baddoo! Big Bad Baddoo Daddy! He’s a Baddoo Baddoo man! Who? Akil Baddoo, that’s who who. Whatchu gonna doo doo when Akil Baddoo comes for you you? You you have no answer because Baddoo makes the rooroo-ules. Don’t you you see see I’m Greybot3000 and and I am am malfunctioning…please oil my joints. Steam pours out of Greybot’s ears, slowly he falls over and puns mutter out onto the floor. Yikes, I might need a mechanic. So, Tigers have Grossman, the two outcome player leading off, then it just gets progressively worse until the 9th place hitter and Andre 3000’s ex namleganger, Baddoo. If I’m the Tigers, I’m staying the hell away from Joe Exotic, and I am not leaving Baddoo in the nine hole. Let my man sink or swim, and move him up to the three hole. He might be a hot schmotato, but he had a year at the tender age of 19 in Class A, where he hit 11 homers, and stole 24 bags. He’s never struggled with strikeouts, and actually could have a .360-ish OBP. With a 55-grade power tool and 60-grade speed, you might just sneak into a 25/20/.260 guy. Whatever the case, I grabbed him everywhere. Now let’s put on our pinstripe suit, patented leather shoes, and watch Big Bad Baddoo Daddy swing with their hit song, You & Me & Baddoo Makes 3. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The best haircut I ever received was from a bald man. I don’t usually get anything fancy — just a trim here, a buzz there. Throughout my life I went through all the same generational hair trends of men currently in their mid-30’s. As a pre-schooler in the early-90’s my Mom spiked my hair straight up a la Bart Simpson because who was cooler than the Bart man? Then in the mid-90’s, I transitioned to the Jonathan Taylor Thomas Home Improvement middle part because all the girls thought he was so cute. In the early 2000’s I jumped on board the ‘Caesar’ bandwagon popularized by George Clooney in his ER/From Dusk Till Dawn days and that’s pretty much where I’ve remained. Low maintenance, good enough, it was “The Rachel” for men! Back to the point of this story — the bald man. Who better to appreciate hair than a bald man? I got out of his chair looking like a million bucks and the bald man was proud of his work.
What does this have to do with fantasy baseball, you ask? In my 14-team home league, I’m punting saves. Correction — I’m punting saves + holds.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Who doesn’t wish they had a true story to tell like the night an unlicensed Les Anderson had when he snuck out and took his grandfather’s 1972 Cadillac Sedan de Ville in order to impress his crush. After she passes out, the night takes a wild turn as a joyride results in the Cadillac taking quite the beating. Gotta love when the old, wasted dude gets behind the wheel and somehow manages not to die. And let’s be honest, for those of you that have seen the movie multiple times, who hasn’t thought about Les’s drive to get his pregnant mom to the hospital when you were driving in reverse for a longer than normal stretch? But I think my favorite part of the movie is when the grandfather opens the garage door to get his car, takes one look at the beat to sh!t Caddy, and says “what in the hell is that?”. Just another awesome Corey Haim/Corey Feldman 80’s flick for you. One of many. RIP Les Anderson. By the way, I tried looking up who played the old drunk and I think his name is Henry Alan Miller. Shockingly, his role was apparently uncredited. How can that be? Just look at this performance!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Baseball watchers are funny, right? Corbin Burnes (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 11 Ks) was absolutely dazzling. I’m talking one of the best performances of the young season. Everyone was talking about him. Just filth and people wanted that filth rubbed in their eye balls. “Is that eye black?” “No, it’s Burnes’s filth. I applied it myself.” That was everyone. But why was no one talking about Jose Berrios? He matched Burnes, then one-upped him with a 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 12 Ks, performance. Is that, oh, I don’t know, as I pause here for emphasis, not good? Both of these guys were fantastic, but one of them gave up a home run to Byron Buxton, and one of them was Jose Berrios. Early season overreaction alert! Both of these guys are going to be top 20 starters this year, but only one of them (Burnes) is being treated that way. Berrios is a safer bet for a huge season, and might actually be able to throw 175+ IP this year. Joe Berry has been berry berry good to me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?