This is George Kirby’s fault. He has polluted the minds of Major League Baseball, far and wide. George Kirby has pricked everyone’s brain and seeped his early curfew pitch count into their brain custard. It is so prevalent, Dusty Baker, the guy who once threw Aaron Harang, The Harangutan, for 178 pitches in a 9-1 game just to see if he could get his arm to fall off. Dusty Baker who once said to Mark Prior, “I don’t know if you ‘need’ an elbow.” That Dusty Baker pulled Hunter Brown with a no-hitter after 78 pitches in the 5th inning, having struck out 7 guys (and walking two)! Dusty Baker did that? What’s next, David Ross not batting Mike Tauchman leadoff? Don’t even get cute! So, Hunter Brown has some of the prettiest peripherals I’ve seen, and am tempted to say he could be a number two next year with a chance to be an ace. He has thrown too many innings though, so glad Dusty pulled him. *dodges tomato* What? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. Also, in this game, Yordan Alvarez (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 27th homer and Alex Bregman (1-for-3) hit his 23rd homer, but since he doesn’t have 27 homers like the other two, I will point and laugh. Loser!

Max Scherzer – Out for the year with a teres major strain. Doesn’t need telescopic surgery to see one of the worst star clusters! This was the same injury Verlander had in the beginning of the year (while on the Mets, hmm), so it shows a pitcher can come back from it, but it won’t be until next year. Scherzer said, “I thought this bad luck was behind me when I left the Mets.” What he didn’t know is it’s not enough to just leave the Mets. Much like they treated grade school kids who had lice in the 1940s, before reporting to the Rangers, Max Scherzer needed to stand against a wall while they hosed him down with a concoction of crude mineral oil, soft soap, and water to delouse him of the Mets.

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.47. This start was in Toronto and sonavabench! Can’t really afford sonavabenchings right now. Sorry, that’s just me being honest, and benching and moaning.

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. It wasn’t Adolis all this time, it was the three spot in the order!

Mitch Garver – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!

Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. It’s jaw-dropping how few homers Lowe has. Did he study this offseason with Jose Abreu?

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Always solid, but I think his counting stats might’ve shielded our curly-lashed eyes from a clear step down in ability this year from Jo-Jo-Ram.

J.D. Davis – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, and third homer in the last six games. Hot schmotato alert!

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Seems like an obvious Streamonator call, so let’s see what he has coming up. Dot dot dot. Hmm, barely positive, but seems good enough for me.

Nolan Jones – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Enjoying NoJo so much, that I fully expect the Rockies to go out and sign Eric Thames this offseason to play left field.

Elehuris Montero – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s hitting .400+ in September with two homers and has actually played. Just wait until the Rockies sign Marcus Thames too! Colorado River my ass, going through the Rockies is the Thames!

Ryan McMahon – 3-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Better homer otherwise the Rockies will get the third brother, Jeffrey Thames!

Kris Bryant – 1-for-3, 3 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I grabbed him in my RCL league before this game, which brings me to: I make fun of Bryant and the Rockies’ contract, but he should absolutely be rostered.

Nico Hoerner – 4-for-5, 1 run and his 40th steal, hitting .285. Because I was looking at the Player Rater for Jose Ramirez, Nico Hoerner was sitting right next to him at 30 and 31.

Kyle Harrison – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.18. This matchup was vs. the Guards, and billed as, “Grey keeps thinking Harrison is on (stutterer!) the Guardians, so he’s struggling to square that circle, or whatever that idiom is.”

Brett Phillips – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Saw that a B. Phillips hit a home run for the Angels, and I was like, “When the hell did the Angels sign Brandon Phillips?” Then saw who it was, and thought, “When the hell did the Angels sign Brett Phillips?” I see the answer to that is January! But the Angels had him hanging out in the minors almost the whole year. That’s what happens when you befriend Jo Adell.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Will go over all the positions in recaps at the end of the year, and Castillo has been solid all year, but the top 20 starters right now is so freakin’ funny.

Michael Massey – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Hot schmotato alert! (Got sonavabenched by him too. Ya know what? Moving on!)

Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.61. If I didn’t start Clevinger, the White Sux would’ve scored ten runs for him. I know this to be true.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .236. I don’t know definitively, but I think I’m out on Tork next year. Not because he sounds like twerk and I’m a Mormon. I did read Mitt Romney eats salmon with ketchup though, and that’s brain-wormed into my head. Just not sure the juice is worth the squeeze on Tork. Okay, when I said juice and squeeze, I was thinking about twerking.

Austin Riley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer. Come for the 1927 Braves and you will get done.

Spencer Strider – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.73. The best pitcher doesn’t always win the Cy Young. Strider is the best pitcher; he’s not winning the Cy.

Cristopher Sanchez – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks,ERA at 3.40. I’m sorry, but vs. the 1927 Braves? This may as well have been a perfect game. He gets the ’27 Braves again next time, and the Streamonator hates it, and I can’t recommend. But atta boy for yesterday!

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.50. Damn, Gallen bet on Justin Steele to win the NL Cy.

Joey Lucchesi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.83. I know Lucchesi of the Cannoli Crime Family isn’t that good, but it is roll on the floor funny the Mets had him in the minors for 81 2/3 IP this year, when they could’ve used an arm for basically the whole year.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Outta nowhere! Blake Snell running through the wall like a Kool Aid Man! Written on the wall, it says, “NL Cy Young!”

Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 30th homer, hitting .262, 2nd homer in three games. Sexy Dr. Pepper showing some pop, as they say in the Midwest.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Ah, I recognize that move. The ol’ “Being less good once everyone picks you up” move! A classic move made famous by Andrew Heaney.

Nolan Gorman – Hit the IL right as he was heating up. Where can I bet the Cards will be the NL Central champs next year? There’s no way they are this unlucky two years in a row. They are roughly a 85-win team with neutral luck. They’ve had the opposite of neutral luck.

Richie Palacios – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, three homers in two games. Remembering your schmotato will come in any size inside your mind Palacios.

Drew Rom – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.96. His minor league coaches, “Rom wasn’t built in a day.” But it has fallen, and is not worth resurrecting.

Kyle Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.98. If you didn’t stream Gibson at home vs. the Cardinals, you will never stream him. Look at me, calling you out!

Heston Kjerstad – Being called up by the O’s after Mountcastle injured his shoulder. Mountcastle said, “It’s elementary my dear…Oh God, my shoulder,” then fell into a heap. Was much more excited about Kjerstad before this call up. When I thought he was the capital of Aruba? No, not that far back. Back when I thought the O’s might play him and he had time to actually play. Not sure why the O’s took so long to call him up, but it’s deflated my enthusiasm. He looks like he could have some power, and might hit .250 with little speed. It’s fine if you’re desperate, and he gets ABs, which I’m not sure about.

Sandy Alcantara – Diagnosed with a UCL sprain. Saw someone say the worst outcome would be surgery. If I may: Not having surgery and having setback after setback after setback for a year, then having surgery? That’s the worst outcome.

Braxton Garrett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Marlins starters next year are going to show up at camp without their shoulders.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – Left the game with knee discomfort. I’m going to need to do some heavy drinking this offseason to forget about what Jazz did to me this year and I don’t drink.

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Wallner (1-for-3) hit his 12th homer. Doing a combo blurb, because they could get hot, so I’m alerting, but they have been awful recently, and not playing anywhere close to every game.

Taj Bradley – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.56. There’s gonna be a moment in the near-future. Maybe next year, maybe the year after, that Taj will become an ace, and we will look back at these struggles as they are: Growing Pains before he becomes a Seaver.

Randy Arozarena – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer. I know The Rice Bowl has been terrible for the last two weeks (hitting .195 with zero homers before yesterday in September). His home run yesterday is why I try not to drop guys who you drafted in the top 50-ish overall (assuming healthy), even if they’ve been struggling. The Rice Bowl (or any top hitter) could get scorching hot and carry you.

Yandy Diaz – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. Incredibly, he played after being diagnosed with a testicular contusion on Tuesday. As a guy who has accidentally flipped on bodybuilding posing competitions, I’m guessing Yandy’s muscular build helped his testes to shrink and hide from the brunt of the impact. What a glorious testes-ament to man’s spirit to overcome.