[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

Was listening to Fleetwood Mac’s Everywhere (Remastered) when I saw the news that Jordan Lawlar was being promoted, and the wind chimes playing in the background were perfectly timed as I spun out, arms outstretched, seeing stars because my equilibrium isn’t that good. Then Little Lies by Fleetwood Mac starting playing and all I heard was, “Tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little young player guys,” and now I don’t know what the Mac is trying to tell me. Do not confuse me, Mac! So, Itch just said yesterday, “I get asked a bit about Jordan Lawlar, and I don’t know why he’s not in the DBacks’ lineup tonight. I see Royce Lewis running circles around major league pitchers and wonder if the Snakes don’t taste on the air a flicker of the same potential for an autumn outburst from Lawlar. They’re still in the playoff race. Lawlar has been great since he got to Triple-A and has eleven hits in his last four games, including two home runs on Tuesday night. He’s great and Grey stinks.” What? C’mon! This year Lawlar went 20/36 in the minors, and had a .358 average in Triple-A. He could be the top prospect off boards next year. Grab him in all leagues. Even if Jordan Lawlar isn’t worthwhile this year — and he should be! — this gives us an indication that he should be starting next year with the Dbags, which is great news in itself. Tell me lies, tell me lies sweet little young player guys! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! Before we get into the post, being told football’s about to begin, so wanted to mention that our fantasy football tools are up and running. I know some of y’all play football, even if I don’t. It’s the Streamonator but with pigskin. It’s the Pigskinonator! Also, NFL Week 1 Sunday Live Start/Sit show starting at 7am PST up until kickoff only on the Razzball Fantasy YouTube Channel. Anyway II, the Buy/Sell:

Zach Davies – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.81. The desperation of me streaming Davies reeked almost as much as him.

Corbin Carroll – Left yesterday’s game with a wrist contusion. At 2 PM ET, we will be forming a prayer quadrilateral with candles and shizz.

Alek Thomas – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 8th homer. Feels like the kind of guy who will be “interesting” every year of his career and never be actually “good.”

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Do you ever see RBIs and think, “Ron Ben-Israel’s?” No? Oh, you’re normal? Any hoo! I think Gurriel is over 50% rostered for a hot schmotato plug, but he’s hot.

Mason Miller – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.09 as he was activated from the IL, and entered the game in the 6th. Miller’s good for roughly 135 pitches over the course of four appearances for the year. Get your counter ready!

Kevin Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. He’s not good, but he’s much better hitter than a director.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.65. It was vs. the A’s, so I expect perfection. Ha, was watching MasterChef, and I just channeled Gordon Ramsay. “I expect perfection!” Gordon Ramsay to a 12-year-old making a bologna sandwich.

Davis Schneider – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. There will be sleeper posts for Schneider this offseason; they will all conclude: Depending on how many at-bats he can get.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 41st homer, and his 10th leadoff homer, breaking the Phils’ mark for a single season of Rollins with nine. Of course, Schwarber only has three leadoff singles all year, but whatever.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer. Jerry Tomato putting the cap in caprese!

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.49. Damn, that’s gonna hurt the Padres’ playoff chances. I’m kidding, of course. They’ve been out of it since late-April. It’s kinda funny how sportswriters keep talking about the Padres’ playoff chances. Said like Jeff Foxworthy, “When you have fewer teams behind you than in front of you, you might not be a playoff team.”

Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.99. Fozzie Bear in his H2H playoffs, sadly, “Wacha, Wacha.”

Gary Sanchez – Out for the year with a wrist fracture. They did him dirty, Sanchez.

Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. There’s some reason to believe the Angels might be living in a nightmare, due to the Curse of the Rally Monkey’s Paw, but Rengifo has been actually good, and he’s hitting third now.

Austin Hays – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .288. He was a triple short of the cycle, and I believe every player was a triple short of the cycle yesterday.

Anthony Santander – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .261. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Santander was a double and a triple short of the cycle but Grey won’t tell you that.”

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.12. Saw the Streamonator had him lined up to take on the Cards at home next time out and, boy, am I going to make some bad decisions with that one.

Matt Manning – Hit by a 119.5 MPH comebacker off Giancarlo’s bat, and I winced from my couch. That gets my one ouchie of the year. Don’t come looking for anymore ouchies, I’ve used them all up!

Jasson Dominguez – 3-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I love this! But don’t Kevin Maas us. Do well, but don’t raise expectations too insanely, unless you can meet them.

Clarke Schmidt – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Looked like a no-brainer matchup and the Streamonator agreed.

Mike Ford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Kinda humorous that his last name is Ford, because if players were cars, I think we know what Mike Ford would be.

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. *opening up an investigation into this Juiced Power Crawford character*

Cal Raleigh – 3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 26th homer. There’s no dumpster that is more beautiful!

Will Benson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (9) and legs (15). I’m sorry, I find it so funny that the Reds acquired Bader and Renfroe and don’t play them.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Au Shizz!

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (27) and legs (7), and three homers in two games. Yet, people will tell you there’s no such thing as hot players. Mmkay.

Masyn Winn – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer, hitting .161. Winn homers and the Cards win. Ostrich your head in the ground if you don’t want to see the wall writing!

Spencer Strider – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.83. The problem with beating opponents into submission for six months straight is it covers up how susceptible your pitching is. Playoffs are won by pitching.

Matt Olson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 46th homer, and third straight game with a homer. Austin Riley (1-for-4) hit his 34th homer, and 2nd game with a homer. These were all losses for the Braves, but wins for us. Atlanta might think about playing fantasy baseball.

Marcus Semien – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and a double slam (21, 22) and legs (14). Go ahead, Semien, shoot your shots!

Adolis Garcia – Left early after banging his knee. The haters evil eyed this onto him. I hate the haters!

Max Scherzer – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.91 vs. Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Two former teammates, now rivals, head-to-head, who will live, who will die, who will tell your story–Okay, now I’m just doing a Hamilton cosplay. Max made one fatal mistake, not going to the team that cheats.

Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Only two behind Mike Ford, who has roughly 300 less at-bats. What a race! Like the tortoise vs. the hare, and the tortoise has already won and is drinking champagne, wondering why the hare is still running.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, and homers in back-to-back games. Get to 35 homers, Captain Woo Cubano, please!

Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ugh, Yainer’s never playing again. I hate it here.

Edward Olivares – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and three homers since his recall six days previously. Hot schmotato alert!

Nelson Velazquez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and about the 19th time I’ve mentioned him this week as a hot schmotato.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Also, Andrew Vaughn (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I seriously opened the White Sox box score and thought I opened the day before’s.

Bryan Shaw – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.46, as he recorded his 2nd save with Gregory Santos (2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.14) working the 8th inning. Don’t fully understand the point of switching a closer when you’re headed for a 100 loss season, but there’s some indication that the White Sox are not a smart team, so avoid logic.

Jason Heyward – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in a week. This Friday’s Buy column is already on the Patreon, and Heyward is already there, because he’s been hot for the better part of a week.

James Outman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Saw someone in the wild talking about Outman being in the NL ROY convo, and I didn’t say anything, but I audibly groaned at the stupidity.

Lance Lynn – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.09. Lance Lynn. That’s the answer to the question, “Is there anyone the Dodgers can’t fix?” He gave up a home run to Joey Wendle! Joey freakin’ Wendle!

Sandy Alcantara – Hit the IL with a forearm flexor strain. Welp, maybe I won’t be drafting him in 2024. This sucks, obviously. He complained of arm soreness after his last start, in case you’re wondering if it’s an imaginary IL stint. Marlins need him now, so phantom IL stint makes no sense either way.

Jorge Soler – Hit the IL with a right oblique injury. Guess we see him next in a Yankees uniform in March, as he preps for one of his worst seasons ever.

Edward Cabrera – 4 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.56, as he was recalled, and entered the game in the 5th inning, and I kinda like that usage if it plays out like this, but that seems unlikely, so *raspberries lips*

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He could go 20/20 in around 90 games. It’s kinda hard to ignore!

Jesus Sanchez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Could be a light schmotato.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in the last last two games. “Get Lowe!” Lil Jon and me.

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-2 and his 28th homer. Has three hits in September in 19 ABs, and that was his first home run. Ethel Merman’s not singing about that Paredes.

Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 3.07. He’s thrown 99 2/3 IP this year. A new record for him! I wanna make mistakes with Glasnow next year so bad. I want that lottery ticket. At worst, give me the 75 IP of ace-y behavior!

Joe Ryan – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.21. Someone give him a shot in the arm, so we stop getting JR Ew’ing.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.34. After the game went into rain delay for roughly an hour in the bottom of the third, was happy to see him get to five innings. Gavin his all! I’m so sorry. That was terrible.

Andrew McCutchen – Done for the rest of the year, as he’s stuck in a boot. Gotta pay those parking tickets.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .268, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Okeveryoneneedstopickup’Bryan Hayes. You can see why he abbreviates it.

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .212. That average is a palindromic nightmare.

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. FreddyKBB doing what he can to keep his 2024 price down. Thank you.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .321. Was watching the Cubs game at lunch yesterday with Cougs and she recognized Cody from his Dodgers days, and she was like, “Oh, it’s nice to see Cody doing good again,” and, honestly, I have to agree.

Jordan Wicks – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 2.16. Streamonator hates his next one, and can’t say I disagree.

Alex Wood – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.77. I’m fine with the Giants trying to bring in San Franciscans by having Alex Cobb and Alex Wood, but they went too far when they drafted, Alex Boner from Morehead U.