“With that trade, the Giants will now be seeing if they can turn a Harry Styles Chia Pet into a halfway decent 2nd baseman. We just now he’s not gonna wanna ride the pine!” Announcers laugh, but, before they can finish, the Harry Styles Chia Pet slaps a ball over the fence for a three-run shot. “I’ll tell ya what, Jon, that Harry Styles Chia Pet has got some pop!” Okay, so Lewis Brinson (1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in two games) isn’t quite turning a Chia Pet into a major league All-Star, but it’s not that far off. As Jesse would scream in Breaking Bad, “The Giants can’t keep getting away with this!” ‘This’ being turning cast-offs from other teams into bona fide major leaguers. Of course, Giants turning Lewis Brinson into something would be their “making the Statue of Liberty disappear” of player reclamations, but they did it with Wilmer Flores, J.D. Davis…They got someone named B. Johnson in right field, and I half expect it to be Boris Johnson, after losing 10 Downing. Do I think Lewis Brinson is fixed for 2023 fantasy? I’m not sure he’s fixed for this week! but he’s clearly hot and show be rostered until further notice. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Mike Ford
Please see our player page for Mike Ford to see projections for today, the next 7 days and rest of season as well as stats and gamelogs designed with the fantasy baseball player in mind.
(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“The best part of any candy bar is the stuff inside the chocolate, so I want a candy bar where the nougat, cookie wafer, crushed peanuts are on the outside of the chocolate. Mouth feel matters too, so the crunchy bits on the outside need to have a soft, chewy texture. Swiss and dutch chocolate are for losers. This candy bar needs to made in The Lou, so I want Missouri chocolate. What is Missouri chocolate? Whatever Willie McGee likes. Willie, please wave.” Willie McGee waves from the back corner of the conference room. We see now Lars Nootbaar holds court in front of the Lars Caandy people. He continues, “Also, I want it to be written “caandy baar” on all the bars. Two A’s, so we need to change all signage around this 5-mile-wide candy empire, that I’ve cordoned off with traffic cones. If you want to work for Kit Kat, get out now! The door’s over there! The only Snickers I want to hear about are chuckles at the water cooler when Willie McGee makes a joke! Do you understand me?” Lars is now screaming into one exec’s face, who is beginning to cry. “Wipe those tears from your face, and go make me a candy bar! Two A’s!” Lars Nootbaar isn’t just a demanding candy CEO, building a nougaty empire, he’s also been one of the hottest bat in the majors for the last month. On the 30-day Player Rater, he’s in the top 40 overall, and he’s now leading off on most days vs. righties. Since the Cards are famous for creating players, it’s only appropriate that they went into a 7/11’s candy aisle and got an idea. This hot Nootbaar won’t melt in your hand, or your fantasy team, so grab him, before he quits baseball to be a full-time candy CEO, like Willy Wonka, who was originally drafted to be a closer, until he discovered he was better stopping Gobs. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?And thus the Gunnar Henderson Era begins, not with a whimper but with a cocking of a ballpoint pen, and the cursive of a signature by the 108-year-old Peter Angelos, signing the contract to bring Gunnar up to the majors. “Gunnar, bend down to hear what Mr. Angelos wants to tell you!” His agent yells to him. Gunnar obliges, and Peter Angelos just blehs like Dracula. It’s a fantastic scene, and one Gunnar shouldn’t soon forget. Gunnar won’t be forgotten by fantasy baseball people either, i.e., Us! (Jordan Peele’s second best film. Though, after Get Out, I think they’re all tied, if we’re being honest. Any hoo!) Gunnar Henderson is everything you want — speed, power, contact. He’s Bobby Witt Jr., but better. Call him Better Witt Jr. Actually, call Bobby Witt Jr., a poor man’s Gunnar Henderson. Call him Slingshot Henderson. Itch had Corbin Carroll way above Gunnar Henderson in his top 25 prospects, and, honestly, I don’t know why. You can ask him. Gunnar’s not even particularly high on his top 10 Orioles prospects. Perhaps Itch was once bullied by a 23-year-old who was balding and looked like Cal Ripken Jr. Who’s to say? I’m grabbing Gunnar in every league. With only a month left, he might do nothing, but Gunnar also might immediately click click boom. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?First thing you do in Cincy? Eat some spaghetti with chili. Second thing you do, take a picture by the Harambe statue in front of the Cincy Zoo. Third thing you do, make a wager with Pete Rose’s bookie. Fourth thing, tell people that like Johnny Bench used to hold seven baseballs in his hand, your daddy used to hold eight. Then, when asked, you show your father’s picture, which is Jimmy Connors. Fifth thing you do, is go to Great American Park and hit some homers. Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer) knows what’s up; Albert Pujols (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer) knows how to hit the special baseballs marked by Manfred “Easy Fly” as he marches towards 700; Corey Dickerson (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 5th homer as he stays about as hot as anyone; TJ Friedl (1-for-4 with his 3rd homer) goes bang-zoomie, and is challenging Corey Dickerson as one of the hottest schmotatoes in fantasy; Stuart Fairchild (2-for-4 with his 4th homer) has three homers in four games as he keeps pace with Dickerson and Friedl; Chuckie Robinson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)…well, who the fu*kie is Chuckie Robinson? Is he What We Do In The Shadows’s Colin Robinson’s child that he had with that doll? So, Tyler O’Neill has been a real Richard Chamberlain in the side of his owners. Ya know, Chamberlain played a Thorn and O’Neill plays for the Cards, who are birds, so he’s a Thorn Bird. Are y’all following or do you need more crumbs? Honestly, I think O’Neill’s been hurt this year. This was supposed to be the year he cemented himself in the top 20 overall. Instead, he fit our fantasy teams for cement boots. His Launch Angle is down; his HardHit% is down; ground balls are up; listen, nothing’s working. If he has been hurt, then 2023 Tyler O’Neill could be a nice bounce back candidate next year. His price will definitely be much cheaper — “barely at all” is my guess. Can he bounce back? Absolutely. If the price for Tyler O’Neill in 2023 fantasy is where I think it might be, Tyler O’Neill is going to find himself on quite a few sleeper lists. For this year, I like him if he’s hot, but I stopped holding my breath. *lowers head, barely audible* Because I’m wearing a snorkel! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Well Razzfolks, I spoke too soon in last week’s edition of Razzball Ambulance Chasers. In this edition, we are chock full of injuries. So, Grey cannot lay me off yet, right? RIGHT? Last week, the Cincinnati Reds descent into madness continues as five Reds, including Joey Votto, hit the IL. Across the country, the Padres […]
Please, blog, may I have some more?It’s the final week of August, and as usual in our deep league world, if your fantasy team has slipped out of contention, unfortunately, there’s probably not much you can do about it. It still might not be a bad time to check out who is available in your league as we head into the […]
Please, blog, may I have some more?Greetings Razz Fam! Was the stove hot enough for you during the trade deadline? It was on fire for the San Diego Padres. However, just up the coast in San Francisco, trouble was brewing with Joc Pederson and Thairo Estrada suffering concussions in less than a week of each other. On the opposite coast, Miami […]
Please, blog, may I have some more?“Okay, guys, to start the song we’re going to count out to four, but we’re going to count 1, 2…Then go back to the beginning and finish with 1, 2, 3, 4…Questions?”
“Hey, Bruce Springsteen, uh, yeah, big fan, and I’m happy to have the opportunity to show you I belong as a background vocalist in the E Street Band — ESB? Do people use that? Anyhoo…Have you considered hiring someone else to count, because ‘1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4’ isn’t how people count?”
“Who are you?”
“I saw a flyer at The Stone Pony for an opening in your band.”
“That flyer was supposed to be taken down 48 years ago. Get out of here.”
And that’s how we got the title for this post: Al, Tu, Al, Tu, Ve, Four. It’s also how many homers Jose Altuve (2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 16th homer, hitting .298) has in the last three games. He has eight homers in the last 10 games, but Bruce Springsteen never counted to eight. As another singer, Lady Sovereign, would sing, “Altuve is the biggest midget in the game!” That Lady Sovereign song is 15 years old, and now I feel 100 years old. Jose Altuve also has 16 homers in 57 games; his career high is 31. Maybe this time he can steal an MVP award from someone his own size (if he’s standing on top of a car, and you include the car’s weight). Imagine being Aaron Judge and saying Altuve stole an MVP from you. Bro, you stole the sun from anyone within 10 feet of you. It’s a form of cheating by just being big. At least that’s what I tell anyone who challenges me to any sporting event. So, drilling down on Altuve’s peripherals, he’s pulling everything, and his Launch Angle is a little goofy early on (as in high), which could lead to a lot of fly balls, and lower average, or more homers, if he’s connecting, as he has been. Now, if pitchers pound away, he might be in trouble. There’s a possibility here for him to come back to earth (small fall), but anyone would come back to earth after an eight-homer, ten-game stretch, but, in general, he seems back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?What could be if Byron Buxton could only stay healthy…*wavy lines* “Whoa, dream sequence! What’s this, a rainbow with a map to its natural end? I will follow this! Wow, only three years later to find the end of this rainbow, I should’ve drove! Hey, look…a pot! Let me see what’s in it…Gold? Meh, whatever…Ooh, Byron Buxton being a 40/20/.260 hitter in 162 games, and a battery for my calculator watch that I couldn’t find after the Radio Shack by me went out of business…this dream sequence is amazing!” *wavy lines* Oh, man, here I am still with a calculator watch that’s stuck on the 1’s and 2’s. Though, Buxton is healthy, but I don’t have him on any teams. Dreams don’t exist. Buxton is an easy top 10 outfielder in 2021, if he stays healthy. That “if” is the size of a Greek grandmother’s gams. Yesterday, he went 5-for-5, 2 runs with a slam (8) and legs (2). Hopefully, he stays working longer than this dumb watch. Also, in this game, Josh Donaldson (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, as he reminds everyone his initials are J.D. too; Jorge Polanco (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st homer, reminding everyone they drafted him; Mitch Garver (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 3rd and 4th homer, and, after the game, he read on the broadcast a love letter sent to him by someone who he wouldn’t name, only holding up a tub of CoolWhip, wonder who that could be. Finally, Willians Astudillo (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer, and he exclaimed, “Hot dog!” as he reached into his pocket and ate one as he rounded the bases. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Congrats to Madison Bumgarner on his no-hitter (7 IP, 0 ER, 0 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.31) that isn’t counted by MLB because MLB doesn’t think 7-inning games are real things after making 7-inning games a real thing. MLB where logic goes to die, then Rob Manfred comes along, picks up logic, and chucks it into the garbage. The real story yesterday might have been the Braves who managed one hit in 14 innings. Yo, can I get a woof? In the 1st game daffy’ing the Braves was Zac Gallen (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.16) as he threw a complete game shutout, which I guess gets an asterisk, too. MLB, embarrassing asterisks since 1961. Gallen should get a hairline fracture in his forearm more often. Maybe shave his other arm’s hair into a hairline too. Can you have too many hairlines? Can he shave hairlines into his legs too? What order on a waxing menu is “shaving a hairline into one’s leg?” A Brazilian nut? A Nice, but pronounced like the city in France, so it sounds like knees? Does the waxing menu have legs options? Someone who grooms their legs, let me know. Gallen is doing exactly what he does every year — 10.5-ish K/9, goofy command, and a 2-ish ERA. Pretty impressive how a hairline fracture in his arm didn’t slow him one bit, but it’s sidelining Cody Bellinger for weeks. Cool, fun stuff that isn’t causing me to have an ulcer at all. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Please, blog, may I have some more?Howdy, folks.
Well, here we go again. More injuries to mull over. Let’s rip this Band-Aid off.
Note: The writers cover injuries throughout the week, so if you’re looking for an update on a player not mentioned here, slap their name into the ol’ search bar and give it a look-see. I’m just here to give you the latest injury buzz for the week, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be mentioning everyone you care about each time.
Please, blog, may I have some more?I will be wrong! I realize that this a very odd way to start a “suggestive” article, but it’s entirely true. I will be wrong this week, as I have been wrong the past 3 weeks. What is beautiful about this statement? The mere fact that while I may be wrong, there are going to be things that I get correct as well. Who is 2nd in the MLB at the time of writing? Mark Canha, yes, the very same Mark Canha who back in Week 1 I recommended picking up for runs. Injures shoulder patting self on back. Maybe this is how Juan Soto hurt his shoulder? With my shoulder now injured, and a trip to the IL imminent, good ole Grey has summoned me back into the on-deck circle for another AB. This time, I look at you Jay Bruce…..my shoulder is very safe from any pats on the back. He retired for crying out loud. The article giveth, and the article taketh.
What does all of this mean? What it means is that while I want to just give you all the info needed, I would love more than anything to teach you why these suggestions make sense on a week in and week out basis. You may see some redundant names here and there, but all in all, let’s find the competitive edge and dominate another week of Head to Head. Without further ado, here is Week 4.
Please, blog, may I have some more?