“Four score and seven ‘And that’s me quoting me’s ago, my Fordfathers said, ‘Stop calling us Fordfathers, you idiot, it’s forefathers!” That was a quote from our most true patriot, Grey, the Fantasy Master Lothario, don’t abbreviate it. Hope everyone had a nice 4th of July, and you still have all ten fingers, and, if you don’t, I hope at least you had nearby an appropriately-sized, half-eaten hot dog to use as a tourniquet. Someone who doesn’t have a working ten fingers is Mike Trout. He looks like Captain America, so somehow it tracks that on the day with the most hand injuries in America, he gets his. Brutal news for sure, but every toilet flush fills up with a dog getting a clean glass of water, and that’s Jo Adell, as he was promoted. Since Trout is likely out six to eight weeks, this gives the Angels ample opportunity to find new ways to not play Adell. I kid. Kinda. I’d grab Adell in most leagues to see if he can finally click. Anyway. here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shohei Ohtani – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.32, 0-for-3, and left the start with a blister. Angels named themselves after heavenly creatures and God said, “Oh, then Imma smite, y’all.”

Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Not to kick a gift horse, because I like Renfroe hitting, but did a horse kick Nevin in the head to keep starting Rendon at cleanup? He’s going on four years of being awful.

Michael Wacha – Hit the IL with shoulder soreness, which sounds ominous usually, but it’s a catch-all this time of year so guys can get an extra week of rest during the break. Perhaps naively, I’m not overly concerned.

Nelson Cruz – Designated for assignment by the Padres. But he only needs three more years to collect Social Security benefits!

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s on the ol’ one month on, two months off schedule.

Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Funny thing (it’s not funny) about guys who look like number threes? They can quickly become number twos.

Adam Wainwright – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.66, as he hit the Ineffective List. He got IL’d with “should’ve retired last year.”

Mitch Garver – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Yesterday, those fireworks, that celebrating you heard, that was for Garver getting to ten games played at catcher.

Dane Dunning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.61. On a team where I drafted Woodruff, Springs and Fried, Dunning has carried the team. Just as expected when I drafted him at pick 710.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Can’t believe he’s trying to overshadow the return of the once-great Yankee, Aaron Hicks (1-for-3, and his 6th homer). They played a tribute video to Aaron Hicks in his first game back on Monday, and it was just Hicks reading mean tweets from Yankees fans. I kid, but fans in attendance did boo the tribute video, which is legit funny.

Clarke Schmidt – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.43. I’d love to forget the Streamonator with Schmidt, but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and I just did leg day. Chest day’s not for another year.

Colton Cowser – There’s speculation he’s on his way to the majors. Here’s my Colton Cowser fantasy. I grabbed him in my shallowest of league, because abso freakin’ loot lee.

Adam Frazier – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Adam Frazier is on pace for 20 homers. That’s my scientific study that the ball is juiced.

Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. “Did you know that Jesus homered on America’s birthday?” That’s someone handing me a pamphlet as I walk into a supermarket.

Garrett Cooper – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer this week. Someone was celebrating Independence (From Homering The Same Day As Braxton Garrett Pitches) Day!  Cooper does tend to get hot, and seems like a plump schmotato right now.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.32. “Did you know that Jesus won a game on America’s birthday?” That’s someone handing me a pamphlet as I walk out of a supermarket.

Tarik Skubal – 4 IP, 0 hits, 0 walks, 6 Ks, as he was activated from the IL, after having his forearm made into a five-arm. Okay, didn’t know what to expect from Skubal in his first game back, but, even if it was the A’s, giddy up, nah’mean?

JP Sears – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. If it wasn’t for the ghost runner on 2nd in extras, this game would be going until 2026.

Zack Greinke – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.44, and left yesterday’s game with shoulder soreness. He initially hurt it reaching into his pocket for an extra 50 cents for guac at Chipotle.

Michael Massey – 1-for-3 as he was activated from IL, which is whatever news, but it’s promising Maikel Garcia (1-for-4, 2 runs) stayed at leadoff.

Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.18. Now has allowed only 3 ER in his last 17 IP, and 21 Ks in that time. Was pretty out on Maeda up until now, but I could see trying him again.

Max Kepler – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in the last five games. Was a hot schmotato last week, and might still be on it.

Byron Buxton – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (15) and legs (8). Hasn’t been bad for speed and power, but any ideas what he’s hitting? No, go lower. Wrong, .216.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Wow, time flies, it’s already two weeks before his next injury!

Wander Franco – 2-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (27), hitting .286. First half stats are fueling 2nd half projections, which I’m working on for my top 100 for the 2nd half, which will be out next week, but Wander feels like he could have a 10/27 half or a 27/10 half. Unlike anyone else.

Aaron Nola – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.30 vs. Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Is there any better encapsulation of why you shouldn’t draft pitching high than one guy was drafted as an ace vs. one guy who wasn’t drafted in shallower leagues, or not until the last rounds, and, much like Mario in Donkey King, the latter guy is killing it.

Patrick Wisdom – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL. Since Madrigal was IL’d, it might help Wisdom’s case, but doubt he plays every day. What’s up in the Ross schnoodle is anyone’s guess, but I wouldn’t expect to find Wisdom.

Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Embarrassed to admit I’ve been starting him every time out. Or am I?! Mr. Reversal Question coming through! Not embarrassed because Hendricks has a 2.64 ERA.

Mike Ford – 4-for-5, 2 runs, and his 7th homer, hitting .279. He’s homering at a pace of around every 9 at-bats, i.e., let’s have a Ford Fiesta!

Logan Gilbert – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.82. LoGi looks like one of the biggest buy lows for the 2nd half. His perfs are saying great things.

Kolby Allard – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Oh, I get it, I get it! Braves crappy starters can be great as long as I don’t pick them up. A’ight! Bet!

Ozzie Albies – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homer. Waiting for the Immaculate Grid where one column is 5′ 3″ and the other column is 40 homers, and gonna put Ozzie Albies in there after this year!

Amed Rosario – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. “Let’s staple a note to his back saying, ‘Oh no I’ve drowned,’ and push him out into the water–Hold up! He moved! Amed’s alive!”

Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.54. Be surprised if Clase loses the job, but he’s making a strong case for it. It’s Clase, it ain’t close-yay. Snapped in half! Damn!

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and third homer in a week. Nimmo’s finding ’em!

Starling Marte – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (22), hitting .256. It hasn’t been a great 1st half (understatement of the year?), but you give him better counting stats with 22 steals and he’s prolly top 30-ish outfielder, instead of 50-ish.

Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .215. He’s got 30-homer power. Pretty easily.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 4 ER,, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.03. Are there any starters under a 4 ERA? I’m gonna say no.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. I’m ready to make so many mistakes by drafting Carroll way too high next year.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .269, as nature intended it. Admit you were surprised Walker repeated last year. Go ahead. It’s okay.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .268. That’s three homers in the last week for Lou-Gu-Ju in case you’ve moved on.

Alek Manoah – Will return to start vs. the Tigers on Friday. *picking up Andy Ibanez, Torkelson, Jake Rogers, Vierling, hovers mouse over Javy Baez, stops, thinks better of it*

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09 vs. Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This matchup was billed as, “I don’t know what to make of either of these guys, but I think they’re good.”

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Hey, I got an announcement saying Cake Batter retired. So, that wasn’t real?

Dustin May – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Uh, he just had Tommy John surgery in 2021, and missed part of 2022 because of it. Is this like when Similac is on sale, and, even though I don’t have a baby, I buy it because it’s cheaper than milk?

Emmet Sheehan – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.35. This might be inaccurate but it feels like the Dodgers’ pitchers were most adversely affected by the shift ending.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 23rd homer. Mookie Best!

James Outman – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. Check out this guy pretending it’s April. Hey, Mr. Aprilman!

Jack Suwinski – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer. On pace for 35 homers, and you’re wondering if you should pick him up. Free head you got!

Grae Kessinger – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Kessinger with a bomb. Weird, that feels faintly familiar.

Brandon Bielak – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Streamonator liked this one, and why I already have Juan Pierre France stashed.

Kris Bryant – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. That’s almost one homer for every year he’s going to be on the Rockies!

Nick Senzel – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He yawnstipates me, but he’s not getting benched indefinitely. I’m speaking to those of you who are still holding Christian Encarnacion-Strand.

Jonathan India – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. India is so vague, just tell us, you’re going to BANGLADESH!

Elly De La Cruz – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal, hitting .308. I always go back to how debut seasons don’t mean anything; Mike Trout wasn’t good when he was first called up. With that said, Elly De La Cruz is better than Mike Trout! Eat it, Trout!

Joey Votto – Reds scored a bunch of runs, and Votto didn’t start. Holy sit! I suppose it makes sense. You gotta bench the Canadian Joey Votto for the American Kevin Newman on the 4th, because David Bell respects the red, white and blue!