[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

So, Adolis Garcia hit the IL with a right knee patellar tendon strain, because the haters won this round! It’s okay the haters lost the round where they drafted Sandy Alcantara in the 2nd round. Though, they won the round where they drafted Acuña, that was a pretty big round. Ya know what? We’re not going to keep score for the Haters vs. Me. I might win some, I just lost Adolis. Sucks. I will cry now for five minutes, please excuse me. *claps hands with wet eyes and snot flying out nose* I’m back, snitches! And up is Evan Carter. Is that Jay Z’s brother, you might be asking. It is, and he’s here for The Blueprint 4. It’s a Hard Knock Life, Vol. 3. Hey, real question: Why does Jay Z label everything with a stupid sequel number? Yo, HOVA, just come up with a new name. Any hoo! Evan Carter was in Itch’s top 25 fantasy baseball prospects and said, “I’m encouraged that he went on the developmental list, figured something out (feels to me like he came back more aggressive), and is back on the field getting results. That’s huge for any player but especially one so young at an advanced level. The Texas front office and developmental team have earned a lot of trust over the past couple years. Now to earn Grey’s trust so he lowers his guard.” Sorry, what? Evan Carter looks about as well-rounded as they come — think 20+ HRs, 20+ SBs, .280+ average. He’s like Kyle Tucker 2: Without Reasonable Doubt. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Rodon – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.60. They should fire Cashman. This was such an obviously terrible contract coming in. He was cooked at the end of last year. Everyone knew that. I knew it! Fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) knew it! There should be blowback for that.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 25th homer. How long is this Gleyber Day weekend?!

Matt Manning – Hit the IL with a fractured foot. It happened when Giancarlo hit a ball 119.5 MPH off his foot. Sounds like a pretty unfair game of soccer.

Spencer Torkelson – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer. Torkelson or Soler next year? Well, of course you’re saying Torkelson because I keep saying Soler’s going to bust badly next year.

Andy Ibanez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .247, as he hit third. Mean’s while, Javier Baez went 0-for-4 with 3 Ks, hitting .222. Javier Baez, Anthony Rendon, Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo walk into a bar and put on the song Glory Days.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Yankees just being a layup in September is odd, so EdRod rolled. Which is different than OddRod, which was ARod laughing at non-jokes and making everyone around him uncomfortable.

Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 47th homer, 4th straight game with a homer. Do I hear a double nickel?!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5 and his 33rd and 34th homer. Tildaddy says he’ll buy you a telescope so you can do some peeping!

Michael Harris II – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. I’m thinking don’t fade any Braves hitters for eight to ten years.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Not the best of games — still solid — but I am amazed that he’s even able to pitch after his injury earlier this year. I thought Fried was toast. So, I guess that’s shrimp toast?

Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 8.19. Just bring him into tied games after the 5th inning!

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.70. He’s a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to your mom’s washing machine.

Luis Rengifo – Left the game after an awkward swing in the on-deck circle. Originally diagnosed with a biceps strain. Oh my God, I’ve realized what’s going on with the Angels. They’re cursed on the Rally Monkey’s paw and whoever is their top hitter that is active is always in danger of the curse. If Nolan Schanuel gets hurt on Friday, we know what I said is true.

Zack Littell – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Give me all “Getaway Day Starters.” Put them on my fantasy team and let me run this town! Sorry, I was researching Jay Z.

Jarred Kelenic – Could be activated from the IL any day. Sounds like bad news for the Mariners. They’re going by the nickname “the M’s” which is short for Mmm’s as in yum, and Kelenic hasn’t been that outside of a random 14-day stretch in April.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Right now on the Player Rater, he’s a top 5 starter, and has an outside chance to be the third starter this year. He’s having a good year, but there are no top three starters this year. Spencer Strider is the best starter in fantasy baseball and he has a near-4 ERA.

Braxton Garrett – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.82. Welp, he’s cooked. Will see you again next year, when I will be in love with you.

Ryan Pepiot – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.86. Dodgers lose a pitcher to claims of abuse once a year, so they have to be in the lab creating new guys. The newest guy they’ve created is The Pepiot. It’s a throwback to Theriot going by The Riot, but, see, that nickname worked because his name separated into two different–Ya know what? Doesn’t matter. The Pepiot carried a no-hitter into the 7th inning and just barely lost it (though the Dodgers made some outstanding defensive plays to keep the no hitter alive priorly. I’d say previously, but Mark Prior is a better pitching coach than pitcher, and he was a damn good pitcher, so we get priorly.) I grabbed The Pepiot for the stream, and Streamonator doesn’t like his next, but I don’t care. I’m holding him until further notice.

Chris Taylor – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now, so have at it!

Javier Assad – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, zero Ks, ERA at 2.83. Will the Regression Fairies have time to catch up to Assad? Inquiring minds want to know!

Ryne Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.30. I clicked on his name to see his stats, and what a waste of a click. I don’t even deserve the .0000000000001 of a cent that it earned me.

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. That was the first homer in two weeks and he’s been hideous for the last two months. Cust kayin’.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer. Someone’s charged up for fantasy football season!

Jordan Lawlar – 1-for-4 as he hit 8th, which kinda sucks. Torey Luvullo, from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, said, “He’s gonna play 100% against every lefty,” which sounds hilariously idiotic. Hoping he realizes Lawlar is their best prospect since Carroll and just plays him every day, but when Carroll came up last year, it was a bit of a tooth-pulling to get Carroll to play too, so we’ll see. It’s almost like MLB managers want guys to earn it, even if they’re great and the alternative is Geraldo Perdomo.

Luis Garcia – Expected to be recalled this weekend. Will see if the Nats skip Alu.

Matt Beaty – Optioned to Omaha. Sounds like he could be in the next Alexander Payne movie.