[brid autoplay=”true” video=”1385528″ player=”13959″ title=”2023 Fantasy Football Rookies” duration=”173″ description=”0:24 Jahmyr Gibbs 1:05 Kendre Miller 1:54 Jaxon Smith-Njigba ” uploaddate=”2023-08-19″ thumbnailurl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_th_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” image=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/snapshot/1385528_sd_64e0200ad8139_1692409866.jpg” contenturl=”https://cdn.brid.tv/live/partners/9233/sd/1385528.mp4″ width=”480″ height=”270″]

I’ll get to Jose Altuve, but, damn, the Astros were like, “Oh, yeah, Rangers, you’re going to challenge us for the division? That’s what you’re going to do?” Mean’s while, Mariners are like, “Hey, what about us?” Okay, now the lede: Jose Altuve did what? Three homers in three innings? Finishing with: 3-for-5, and his 13th, 14th, and 15th homer, which he hit in the 1st, 2nd and 3rd inning. Mark Whiten must’ve been sweating! I know this is about fantasy, but he’s a first ballot Hall of Famer. I’m not a denier of the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang Scandal. I am not an ostrich. But cmon. Has he been cheating every year of his career? Fine, wanna dock him one year for cheating? Do whatever you want, but he’s a Hall of Famer. I’m not just saying this because we’re the same height. Fine! It is that reason! Us Short Kings get one guy every 20 years, let us have Altuve! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Martin Maldonado – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. Okay, maybe the Astros are still cheating.

Yordan Alvarez – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer.  To Woo do I owe the pleasure!

Nathan Eovaldi – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.95, as he was activated from the IL. Whew, glad I wasn’t able to activate him, and was only able to get into my lineup, Dane Dunning (5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.82). Damn Dunning!

Anthony Rizzo – Shut down for the rest of the season. I was thinking the other day, while playing Immaculate Grid, how short some guy’s careers are in retrospect, and Rizzo’s career went *snap fingers* Not saying he’s done done, but players’ careers end so fast. I know Rizzo had an unfortunate head injury, and I hope he’s okay, but, yeah, just so fast. Sounding nostalgic over here!

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .205. That was his 400th homer. He hit 400 homers faster than anyone else. Not in less games. He just hits really fast homers.

DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. He had a nice August, had been cold to start September, but DJ’s sitting in front of Judge in a lineup where they’re just throwing the ball over the plate to try and run out the clock on the season.

Ceddanne Rafaela – 3-for-6, 2 runs as he hit leadoff. *puts hand under chin* Tell me more.

Kutter Crawford – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.36. Shut down all pitchers and let’s finish this sucker with position players pitching!

Rene Pinto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Pinto is the magical fruit, which is also a schmotato.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, as he dashed all Kenley Jansen (0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.43) owners of a save, which isn’t very nice because I need all the saves I can get.

Seiya Suzuki – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and a triple short of the cycle. Damn, he’s gonna make it tempting again next year, isn’t he? Fudge! Only I didn’t say fudge.

J.D. Davis – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, LaMonte Wade Jr. (1-for-3) hit his 14th, and Carl’s Jr. Jr. (1-for-3) hit his 13th. Just an eff why hoo, the ball was absolutely flying across the majors yesterday. Like everyone had the Judge 2022 ball.

Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .288. Just wanted to point out all of those Giants hitters in the previous blurb who homered? They’re nowhere near having the year of Wilmer Flores.

Brandon Pfaadt – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.27. Why is it the rookie pitchers that I pick up suck, and the ones that I don’t Andrew Abbott? I want an Andrew Abbott!

Tyler Kinley – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.75 and his 2nd save. Looks like Bud Black’s settled on a closer. Just needed to find the guy with a near-7 ERA.

Chris Bassitt – 8 IP, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Great start vs. the A’s, whatever. I would like to ask: What on earth happened to Alek Manoah? Has he just disappeared?

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 26th homer. He ends the year with 30 homers and hitting .260, and he’s gonna be a bargain next year with people thinking he had a down year.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 21st and 22nd homer. Nimmo found two!

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 42nd homer. Albombso!

Francisco Alvarez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (22) and legs (1). Was looking at the 30-day Player Rater, before Alvarez’s homer, and, wow, he had been terrible.

Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Don’t make me draft you in every league as my 6th starter next year. Don’t do that to me!

Jordan Walker – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, now four homers in the last six days. Yeah, he’s going to be a bust. Sure, man. Good call, Straw Man!

Nolan Gorman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 25th and 26th homer. No lie, I thought he was out for the year. *looking at his game log* Too bad he hasn’t been out since July.

Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I like O’Neill still — O’Still? — but I just looked at his career stats, and he’s averaging roughly 12 homers per year for six years.

Miles Mikolas – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.63. If you started Mikolas in Atlanta, how do you get your pants on? I know not like everyone else. Don’t lie.

Ryan Helsley – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.00, and kinda used as a closer might. Sorta. I think the writing’s on the wall. Bye bye, JoJo! Gallegos? Adios, amigos! Helsley is your new Cards’ closer, hells yeah.

Mike Soroka – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.40, as he was recalled. Hey, one love, but I didn’t like Soroka when he was actually pitching well.

Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 33rd homer. Also, in this game, Matt Olson (1-for-4) hit his 45th in honor of our 45th and best president (I’m kidding, I don’t care); Marcell Ozuna (1-for-5) hit his 33rd homer and Ozzie Albies (2-for-5) hit his 29th homer. This is gonna be the Braves’ playoffs if they don’t figure out a starter or three.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. For whom the Bell tolls!

Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Briefly forgot what box score I was looking at and said to myself, “Yes, De La Cruz! Let’s go, Elly–Oh, crap.”

Jake Burger – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 31st homer, hitting .244. This might sound crazy, but Burger looking tasty for next year.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.59. He passes the eye test and the “looking at his stats” test. He’s gonna be an ace next year if he stays healthy.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 3-for-4, and a slam (15) and legs (19), hitting .256. I get it, he’s been struggling, but they’re hitting him 7th so they can get Jesus Sanchez at cleanup? Cmon. Let’s be less dumb.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.61. He’s not right. Maybe shoulder prolly is barking, I don’t know. That command tells me he’s hurt.

Bo Naylor – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (2). He’s been no Mitch Garver (no one is), but on the 7-day Player Rater, he’s been holding his own.

Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Not sure what the Streamonator saying for his next start, but don’t think we can trust him anymore.

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.34, as he returned from the paternity list. Leave the crap at home in the diapers, Singer!

Michael Massey – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Also, in this game, MJ Melendez (2-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 14th homer. Michael Jordan and Massey sounds to me like MJ at mass watching his son marrying Pippen’s ex, and I am howling. So awkward!

Nelson Velazquez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. That’s in 35 games. Cust kayin’.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.98. Gonna spend a while this offseason trying to figure out why Cease is broke, and likely gonna come away with the answer: Because of the White Sox.

Yoan Moncada – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Not too late for him to go 40/40!

Andrew Vaughn – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 18h homer. Every time he homers it has the same effect as someone nudging me while I’m sleeping. More like Andrew Valium.

Gregory Santos – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.32, and the blown save. If you’re chasing saves by chasing White Sox saves, well, hashtag you have my prayers.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. In the lineup, he’s got Canzone protecting him. Canzone of the Lucchesi Crime Family.

Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer. JRod or Corbin Carroll in 2024? Oh, I agree, JRod. It wasn’t that clear a month ago.

Bryce Miller – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Wouldn’t had started him in Cincy, but, then again, I would’ve started Brady Singer, so *Lisa Simpson grumble*

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. It’s a little bit funny how Dumb Bell plays CES every game without fail, and doesn’t even do that with Bader and Renfroe, who they just attained, presumably because they wanted them.

Noelvi Marte – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. It’s the 1st Noel!

Brandon Woodruff – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.30. All offseason gonna be imagining what my teams would’ve looked like if I had Woodruff for 200 IP.

Andre Jackson – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.21. I’m sorry (if you started), Mr. Jackson. I am for real.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Fun The Jewels! Fun The Jewels fast!

Pedro Avila – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 2.19. A starter with five career games started, holding a dangerous Phillies offense to nothing, while allowing six walks and recording only one strikeout, feels like 2023 pitching in a nutshell.

Trea Turner – Placed on paternity list. Hey, I ain’t telling guys how to do an impregnation but, man, you gotta line up the missus to give birth while you’re in a cold streak, and not when you’re hot in the middle of a H2H playoff week. Though, I must admit, it is so freakin’ funny that Trea Turner went on paternity leave exactly nine months after he signed that huge deal with the Phils on December 5th.

Reid Detmers – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Streamonator liked this one, likes his next and I wonder if it knows he alternates 10 ER drubbings with no hitters. Is that available knowledge for AI?

Shohei Ohtani – Still out with an oblique injury. This isn’t fantasy baseball related, but it’s so amazing it needs to be mentioned. The Angels had their team photo yesterday, and Ohtani, I guess, was with the team doctor or something, and rather than waiting, oh, I don’t know, an hour? They went ahead with the team photo with a stunt double. Yeah, Ohtani is so gone from this team next year: