Joe Ryan (4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.43) got cooked faster than an instant pot, if an instant pot actually cooked things in an instant. I’d be lyin’ on Ryan (poet and aware of it) if I said I trusted him right now, even if I am a believer long-term for 2024 fantasy and beyond. Everyone seems to have caught up to his four-seamer and now it’s Dong City, population every hitter facing him. He’s a two-pitch pitcher, and hitters figured out the ‘good’ one, which is not good. There’s two months left, and, in shallower leagues, it’s time to move on. Getting him for homers (everyone, like I said), Jordan Walker (2-for-3) hit his 10th homer. Jordan Walker is my father, please respect our family time together. Tyler O’Neill (1-for-4) hit his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Tyler O’Neill has 35-homer power. Might take a miracle for him to even get to 15 this year, but there would be stranger things than him going off for two months. Like Dustin. He’s Stranger Things. Also, getting into the act, Lars Nootbaar (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer, and 4th homer in the last week. Snack baars open, baby! Finally, Alec Burleson (1-for-3, 3 RBIs) went ding-dong for his 7th homer. In previous seasons, the Cards would’ve traded Burleson for a middle reliever and watched Burleson become an All-Star on another team, but now he will remain in St. Louis as a 4th outfielder. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brayan Rocchio – With the Guardians tanking, even though they’re prolly going to sneak into the playoffs, they recalled Rocchio. Here’s what I said the last time he was called up, “If it were announced that the Guards broke into the Astros’ computers and stole their scouting files, it wouldn’t shock me. Or maybe, due to the Astros’ success, everyone is following their lead on how to develop and/or scout players. Rocchio is Kwan, who was in a Michael Brantley mold who is the player both teams try to emulate. Okay power, decent speed, great contact. And the only place Brantley’s ever played? Cleveland and Houston! Okay power, decent speed, great contact is Rocchio. He doesn’t really have a job to play though.” And that’s me quoting me!
Chas McCormick – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a double slam (14, 15) and legs (12), and he’s been hot for two months. Fun fact! Chas is a nickname because he likes to cha-cha. To that pun, I say, “Cha-ching, baby!”
Juan Soto – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and 3rd homer in the last two games. Sexy Dr. Pepper is bringing Sexy Dr. Pepper back!
Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 15th homer. Kim is Him! Kim’s starting to move into some impressive company on the Player Rater, passing Muncy, Josh Lowe, and moving near Framber. Apples and oranges, but Ha-Seong Damn!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. FTJ! Fun The Jewels!
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, four homers in four games. A rocket ship with “Heater” written on its side, and Gary riding it to the moon like a horsey mop.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Raleigh is known as The Big Dumper because he has a big ass, but I’d contend that I’m the real ass for dropping him about a month, and seven homers ago.
Jarren Duran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Next year, gonna draft every Duran and wear an outfit right from the Rio video.
Kutter Crawford – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Solid outing considered he was pulled at 81 pitches. He’s got about seven starts left in his arm for this year, and the Streamonator is positive on his next one (if barely), and it seems like an easy start to me.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Not sure if everyone heard, but during the trade deadline day, the Dodgers agreed to trade for EdRod, but he used his no trade clause to veto it, saying he didn’t want to go to Los Angeles. Honestly, that’s fair. I don’t want to go to Detroit.
Riley Greene – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. I say anything negative about Greene, and the Stan Greeneheads come out of the woodwork attacking me. For a guy who’s been about as good as Michael Tonkin, he’s got a ton of fans. I like him too, but perspective. Sure, his $/game is great on the Player Rater. About as good as Harold Ramirez and a little less than Tommy Pham. Two guys people are not defending.
Alex Lange – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.95. What a petulant child, blowing a save just because he wasn’t traded and now he’s trying to lose the closer job in a different way. Well, guess what? If the Tigers didn’t remove you when you sucked for the last month, didn’t trade you and still went to you in the 9th, then they’re never removing you!
Domingo German – Placed on the restricted list for the rest of this season, after voluntarily submitting to an inpatient treatment for alcohol abuse. Two of the last three Yankees perfect games have come hungover. That’s the only thing this Yanks’ season has in common with 1998.
Anthony Volpe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and legs (20), hitting .214. The average makes him Vol-poopie (got him!), but, for realsies, if he goes 20/27 his rookie year, you got more than you should’ve expected and sets him up nicely for next year.
Shane McClanahan – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.29, and left feeling tightness on his forearm. Fantastic. Shane had the misfortune of being excellent in a year when excellent was punished, except for his opponent, Gerrit Cole (7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.64), who should just win another Cy, and lock up his first ballot HOF case. Yankees fans are going to look back to realize they really wasted the best pitcher in baseball year after year.
Bo Bichette – Hit the IL. That’s the bad news. The good news is I don’t have to talk to BDon until next Monday, so hopefully he forgets about his victory lap by then.
Erik Swanson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.44, and his 3rd save as Jordan Hicks worked a scoreless 8th. I’d tell ya about how I just dropped Swanson prior to this game and held onto Hicks, but why upset myself? I’m feeling light and breezy, let’s keep it that way! This kind of move always gets me. This is the “manager has no idea who this new guy is” scenario. He knows who he has in Swanson, but Hicks? He was closing on the Cards? Who cares? Schneider wasn’t managing Cards games. If Swanson was bad, I’d make a bigger stink. So, I’d say Swanson is the closer now, but it could change again.
Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Ya know what it feels like this year? Pitchers you expect to be mediocre, stay solid, and pitchers you expect to stay solid, get mediocre. Yusei? Yeah, I do sei!
Dane Dunning – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Okay, so this is pretty telling for how my season’s been. I wrote up Dunning’s blurb, saying, “The great thing about deep leagues is you can never bench guys, so I’ve had Dunning going every week and he’s been great.” Randomly, I just looked at my team afterwards, and SONAVABENCH! It’s a weekly league, and I overthought it, putting Woodruff back in my starting rotation. It’s not gonna help that league either way, but I am a giant dope.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. That Semien sure knows how to turn a shot into a blast.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, as he was activated from the IL. This is his 2nd homer in two games, with an IL stint separating it. Seags had a chance for a respectable 2nd place to Ohtani’s MVP, if he could’ve stayed on the field.
Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer. Jung, man, you don’t need to be rude!
Liam Hendriks – Underwent Tommy John surgery and will miss the rest of this year and likely most of next year. Oof, he’s had a year of it. The worst setback for Aussie athletes since they banned babies from the dingo races.
Dylan Cease – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.61. In a 100 years, they’re going to make a Field of Dreams sequel about this White Sox team, but, instead of a cornfield, they’re going to walk out of a sewer and be there to just mess up Ray’s fantasy team.
Cole Ragans – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Nice to see him do well, since I always figured Ragans would be the biggest star to come out of Friday Night Lights.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Mookie Best!
Amed Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Okay, it worked last night, but it’s so freakin’ funny Amed was hitting cleanup.
Josh Bell – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Kim Ng said, “The Ng ain’t for ‘Not good,’ baby!”
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-6, 3 runs and his 10th homer. Think for my own fantasy objectivity I need to stop watching Jazz, because he’s so much fun when he homers.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-6 and his 26th homer. Shows how good his May was (12 homers) that he’s been cold for a while and still has 26 homers.
Marcus Stroman – Hit the Ineffective List with hip inflammation. Ron Burgundy, “I don’t believe you,” but goodbye anyway.
Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 11th and 12th homer. Do not start any pitchers in Wrigley right now. This is how it gets in August every year. Don’t go near it with arms. With bats? Oh, heck’s yeah! Christopher Morel (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit his 17th mush-a-boom; Dansby Swanson (1-for-5, 16th homer) has homered in 37 straight games, and even Seiya Suzuki (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) did his 9th see ya.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .216. Don’t start any pitcher in Wrigley. Seriously. Like “Get to the choppa,” this is actionable advice.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, not sure you can start pitchers in Great American Smallpark either, but that’s for another day. (August is a tough month for pitchers.)
Max Fried – Will return to start on Friday. That gives you roughly 36 hours to sell. Did I stutter? SELL! Fried is about 19 IP away from being shut down again.
Matt Olson – 1-for-2 and his 37th homer. Putting down a rug, getting on knees, praying to Allahson. Thank you, thank you, thank you. “He sounds like me.” That’s Alanis Morrisette.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Tildaddy says we can stop to use the bathroom!
Lucas Giolito – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.36. Ohtani on any team but the Angels, has a 1.50 ERA, and is on pace to hit 90 homers this year. Spelling out my thoughts: The Angels make everything worse so if someone is doing well there, they’re actually way better than you even realize. Even Ohtani would be better. The Angels take 50 to 75% off the top of everyone’s talent. It’s the Angels’ tax. You can’t tell me I’m wrong. This is my truth.