Drunk On J-Rod 25/25

Julio Rodriguez (2-for-3, 2 runs) slammed (26) and leggsed (25) his way to history. Arod once went 40/40 for them, which begs the question, “Why don’t the Mariners sign more Rodriguezes?” Didn’t they learn from Baltimore when they stopped signing Robinsons? So, Julio Rodriguez becomes the fastest to 25/25 in just 125 games, beating Mike Trout (128 games), and Julio Rodriguez becomes the fastest to be the apple of my eye. The bounce in my step. The who in my ha. The cha-ching on my register. The Chachi on my Happy Days. The hill in my soap box derby. The wind beneath my Barbara Hersey wings. The TV without the motion smoothing. The cooler that holds a backup kidney if I need one. Belting at the top of my lungs, “You are my sunshine. My only sunshine!” BDon and I talk in the video at the top of the page about where do Aaron Judge and Shohei Ohtani fall in the 2023 fantasy baseball drafts, but Julio Rodriguez in 2023 fantasy? Is he any later than top 5? Before or after Judge? Ohtani? I’m not trying to commit just yet, but they’re all gonna be in that general vicinity. “General vicinity” is a fantasy baseball ‘pert’s greatest hedge. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.68, as he recorded his fastest pitch of the season, a triple-digit yumster to Machado that made Manny go, “Wow, hold up, wait a minute,” but it was too late. Castillo in Seattle is just so enticing for next year, and I don’t think he’s going to be drafted anywhere near to how valuable he will be. Giddy *looks both ways, adds* Up.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, hitting .236. He makes it seem easy. It’s not easy to hit out of Seattle. Just ask Green River and Screaming Trees. (I had to Google for this joke, so don’t hit me with a, “Grey, man, c’mon, Screaming Trees were more of a Tacoma band.”)

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Oye como yay!

Mike Clevinger – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.47. ‘Member when Clevinger was an ace? I don’t. I’m asking you if you do. Was he ever?

Rodolfo Castro – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (5), and third homer in the last five days, and what is more thrilling? Being called up to The Show, or being named a hot schmotato–Sorry, I was just writing a question to send to the Pirates’ clubhouse.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Not to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but, since Cruz hired a hitting coach, he has six homers and is hitting .270 in roughly 100 at-bats.

Roansy Contreras – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.24. You know how good Roansy is? He’s doing this while on the Pirates! A team that makes every pitching prospect roughly 70 to 80 percent worse.

Nick Lodolo – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Can Lodolo be YOLO and LOL in the same game? Yesterday, he tried. Against the Pirates? Giving up three runs? LOL. Those strikeouts? YOLO.

Austin Romine – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Romine sounds like lettuce, slang for hair is lettuce, slang for money is cabbage, Austin is in Texas, where you can buy lettuce, cabbage and haircuts with money. I’m sorry, if you can’t see it then maybe you need to open your eyes!

Kyle Farmer – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. He’s been hot for, let’s see, since July 25th, or at least that’s what it says in my Farmer’s Almanac.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Rodon outpitched Chazz Morton (5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.17). Not just yesterday, but all year! Boom roasted! Me, I was roasted, because I liked Morton and not Rodon in the preseason. Damn, self-own.

Drew Rasmussen – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.77. Kevin Cash has ruined my brain so much I don’t know if he was injured, used as an opener, or removed just because he got hit hard.

Harold Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Telemundo’s favorite Baseball Tonight announcer. Or maybe that’s Harold Reynoldez.

Ross Stripling – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Can’t believe I dropped him after one start, and he’s got 120 IP now of sub-3 ERA. Not my finest moment. Though, if I’m being honest, I prolly wouldn’t have started him for half of his AL East matchups when he was decent.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Was talking about Cake Batter yesterday with a few of the Razzball writers. About how his ADP the last two years went from 50 (crazy) to 5 (equally crazy), and then next year it will be…where? Does he settle into the Freddie Freeman area of the 2nd round? Around 12-17? Seems likely.

David Peterson – 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. Hey, Peterson, why don’t you just have sex with my mother while defecating on my computer while the screen is on my H2H team?

Pete Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 35th homer, and 2nd in as many games. Albombso!

Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Been more than adequate, might be okay using the Streamonator for him, but I don’t trust him at all. Then again, I trusted Peterson, so there’s that.

Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Next year I’m going to draft only Grays and Luis Garcias. Wish me and Garcias luck!

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-3, 1 run, 19th and 20th steal. He’s been hot, but also in this game, check out this ridiculousness:

JD Martinez heard the bases were gonna be bigger and was like NOW?! https://t.co/uTe1YkkxIc

— Razzball (@Razzball) September 15, 2022

Nestor Cortes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Almost my entire September pitching experience is this: Tiger Woods fist pump when my guy does well with a small whisper into my hands, saying, “I hope he doesn’t throw too many innings this year and become Ian Anderson, Trevor Rogers, etcetera, next year.” And I spell out etcetera.

Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.11. For a moment, I thought Corbin had settled down recently, then I saw his ERA and I legit guffawed. Hey, Corbin, is your ERA Giannis Antetokounmpo’s height? By the way (smooth segue), Son has started dropping his top 50 for 2022-23 fantasy basketball.

Luke Voit – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. Only two short of his career high from 2020. *emoji making rolly eyes while it slowly walks out of a room*

Jorge Mateo – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. The big story from this game was Gunnar Henderson (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) getting an inside-the-park homer that counted as a triple, because when Cesar Hernandez fielded it, he threw it behind himself. Go Gnats!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .308. Was contemplating telling you to drop Bryce this Friday, worried that he might still be injured, but this does a little assuaging.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homer. Look at Jerry Tomato trying to ketchup!

Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.29. Adam Wainwright and Yadi Molina teamed up as a battery for the 325th time, a new MLB record. When they started working together, milk was priced at thirty cents; the number one show in the country was Charlie’s Angels and the President was Gerald Ford, which was also a make of an automobile.

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. It’s almost like every Cardinals hitter takes a turn being hot for three to five days. Dickerson was like, “Okay, Candy Bar man, you’re up again.”

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer, hitting .298. At auction, I purchased the actual feather that the songwriter of Yankee Doodle Dandy put in his cap and called macaroni. I’ve placed it haphazardly over here by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45 vs. Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This matchup was a, “Red sky at night, Streamonator delight, red sky in the morning, I couldn’t sleep you were snoring.”

Mark Mathias – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (3), and his 3rd homer in two games, as he proves everyone gets their moment of hot schmotato.

Marcus Semien – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Semien parked that one off Sears, which makes it sound like Reese McGuire’s got new charges.

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Ya know who Heim is? The guy you ended up with when you plan on drafting Varsho next year and he goes too soon.

Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.16, as he blew the save. On the bright side, whether he was good or bad, the Rangers would’ve replaced him eventually.

Seth Brown – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. How now Seth Brown has been in, like, four of the last Buy columns.

Dermis Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. You in March, “My team is unstoppable! I have Matt Olson and Juan Soto!” You now, “Should I drop everyone for Dermis Garcia?”

Tony Kemp – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and two homers in as many games. Dermis Garcia, Tony Kemp or Juan Soto? Hmm…That order? Yikes!

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, a 107-MPH bullet that barely got off the ground. Carroll might just homer in every game he plays the rest of the way. Which would mean he’d get, what, four more homers?

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4 and his 25th homer. I’m glad I got to experience Varsho’s season, so I can say without a doubt it doesn’t matter — still gonna finish in 2nd place in that league where I have him, and his homers didn’t do anything special for my team.

Javier Baez – 2-for-4 and his…what number homer? Go ahead, guess. I’ll give you two chances–Wrong! 13! Yikes, my man! The whole ‘swinging at everything’ thing ages so poorly. Baez at ADP 200 next year, are you in? Okay, those of you who said yes, follow up: Are you crazy?

Justin Verlander – Sounds like he could return on Friday. That’s tomorrow for those of you who ate their calendar thinking it had chocolate in it like an advent.

Yordan Alvarez – Held out of the game with hand soreness. Maybe if he has hand soreness he shouldn’t be held’ing out!

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4 and his 27th homer, and he gets smoking hot during the H2H playoffs! How is this guy not Mr. H2H? He’s not not, because he is is!

Cristian Javier – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Astros vs. the Tigers is a very fair matchup. Could’ve went either way. Tigers could’ve definitely beat them, if the rules of baseball were changed to have the team with the lowest score as the victor.

Cal Quantrill – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Prolly doesn’t matter, since he’s rostered everywhere, but the Streamonator never loves him, and I can understand it when looking at his peripherals. They are pretty meh, if being a hundo honest aka hundest. Sorry, trying to delete that! Ugh, backspace isn’t working! Bad, portmanteau, bad!

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .282. For roto, it doesn’t matter if a guy gets his stats in the 1st half or 2nd half, but I can’t say I’m not concerned about Jo-Jo-Ram’s 2nd half.

Oscar Gonzalez – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer. That’s back-to-back games with a home run for Gonzalez, and the last time he homered I told you he’d be in Friday’s Buy column, and today I’m saying you shouldn’t wait until tomorrow to grab him.

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, with Mickey hitting leadoff for the Angels, as Arte tries to entice Disney to re-buy them.

Andrew Velazquez – Out for the season with a torn meniscus. I read that it will cost him 1150, but they’re writing it out as MCL, which is a little weird.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.16. This matchup was vs. one of the worst road teams, the Rockies, but counteracting that was La Russa came by the clubhouse in the pregame to give a motivational speech. Thinking about Tony La Russa in a Do It For The Gipper-type movie, but instead of the team being rallied for their coach, who is sick, they’re all cheering him on to be just kinda okay, and not healthy enough to return.