Jerry Tomato Realmuto (5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .278) is leading the pack for catchers once again on the Player Rater. Jerry Tomato, just sitting on the top of the heap, telling everyone to ketchup. The cream of the crap hasn’t smelled this bad in a while. Salvador Perez flew so close to the sun last year, that Sal Icarus made us forgot what good catchers are actually capable of when they’re being nice, good little catchers. J.T. Realmuto reminding us that 20-something homers and a .275 average is all you can hope for. Ha, that sounds so nihilistic. German accent, “Das nein else to hope for. Das boot catchers. Excuse me, not boot, how do you say in English das punt. Yes, dat one.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 40th homer. Sleep with one eye open, Judge! The Schwammer is coming for that MLB home run lead!
Brandon Marsh – Planted his leg awkwardly and hurt his knee. You’d think a guy named Marsh, who has a beard like a weeping willow, would know how to plant his leg.
Ross Stripling – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.21. Finally I see why the universe had me drop him four months ago and miss out on 16 great starts! You never fail me, universe. *tree falls on my car*
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. Went to look at the Player Rater for Chapman, and I realized there’s so many of him this year. The 27-30 homer, .230 hitting types — Rizzo, Eugenio, Rowdy, Santander, and, sad voice, Juan Soto.
Tyler Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, ERA at 2.52 as he returned from paternity leave. Fun fact! Tyler’s a nickname, his first name is Tubal Ligation. Streamonator hates his next one, and, while TL has been great all year, I would worry about that matchup, but only dependent on whether the Cards have clinched all they need to clinch, and how soon prior.
Austin Barnes – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Saw the name Barnes, and I googled Priscilla Barnes. A) She’s still got it. B) She’s originally from Fort Dix. Hehe. C) There’s no C.
Daulton Varsho – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (11). Not sure if he gets there, but a 30/15 season from your catcher would seem noteworthy, but it doesn’t seem like much fuss is being made. Varsho is fussless.
Christian Walker – 1-for-7 and his 35th homer. When people talk about the dead ball, and how only Aaron Judge, being 7′ 4″ and 380 lbs of muscle could hit it out, do they mentioned the Dbags’ Christian Walker would be hitting 84 homers if this were the juiced ball era of 2019?
TJ Friedl – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. He’s cooled off a bit recently, but wouldn’t call him Frigidl.
Nick Senzel – Fractured his toe and finally got that tenth hole punch on his hospital stamp card. Woohoo! He gets a free x-ray next injury! Yes!
Patrick Sandoval – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.01. With good reason, the Streamonator loves his next start, and, after that, I wouldn’t mind seeing him shut down. We had a great run, now let my previous season sleeper sleep.
Garrett Whitlock – Shut down for the season with a hip issue. He was wearing a napkin as a pocket square saying, “Isn’t this hip?” and that was his issue.
Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.75. Last six starts: 2.67 ERA, and 32 Ks in 30 1/3 IP. Trust him? Not at all, but can’t deny the results.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and he had a triple. J.D. Martinez getting a triple isn’t something you hear often. Still not as unheard of as “Red Sox had Yu Chang as their 1st baseman.”
Rafael Devers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .292. Feels like a guy who will fall a little between the cracks in next year’s drafts, so we can draft him after the top 20, or maybe I’m Corey Feldman’ing nickels out of a fountain and doing wish fulfillment.
Frankie Montas – MRI on his shoulder showed no structural damage. Sounds like they’re going to wait until next March, and after your draft, to reveal Montas needs surgery and will miss 18 months.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 60th homer. As Michael Kay exclaimed, “Slide over, Babe Ruth!” *Babe Ruth collects five bags of corn chips, slides about an inch over* The Maris family watching Aaron Judge thinking, “We don’t mind missing a few more days of work, maybe you don’t hit the home runs so fast.”
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .210. Giancarlo Stanton hits a walk-off grand slam on the night Aaron Judge hits his 60th home run and all of this made possible by Harrison Bader.
Rodolfo Castro – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week, and 19th homer in the last two days. That’s not a hot schmotato…this guy is a hot schmotato!
Spencer Strider – Dealing with a sore oblique. It took the Braves long enough to come up with a fake injury for him that will suddenly be fine in time for the playoffs. Let him rest, please! Because, while Matthew Wilder, said nothing would break his stride; too many innings might break ours.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. The French Terminator said, “I’ll be back back back back,” but did it in a silly voice like he was pretending to be the ball.
Dansby Swanson – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. There will be more than enough time this offseason to try to figure out why Swanson went from a possible top 15 overall guy to a 2nd half that had us wondering if Albies or Grissom would replace him in the order.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer. Albombso!
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer, which came off Taylor Rogers. Get a load of this foreknowledge! Padres traded Taylor Rogers to the Brewers to give up that home run to Lindor, so the Padres can get that Wild Card and knock out the Brewers! Preller baby yeah!
Carlos Carrasco – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.79. More like Cookie monster. I owned him!
David Villar – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Psst! I got a little secret for you. When I wrote Villar as the lede Buy last Friday, I knew he was going to Coors this week. I cheated by looking at his schedule. Don’t tell anyone!
C.J. Cron – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. If he hits 31 more homers the final two weeks, I tie on my bet and get my ten dollars back minus the vig! I got this!
Luis Castillo – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.85. Don’t fall apart, man. Not now. Especially not vs. Oakland! *lines up tacks on desk, slams head into tacks on desk*
Tony Kemp – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s been a hot schmotato longer than either of us have been alive. Or roughly a week. One of those.
JP Sears – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.58. In one league, I’m starting Sears, and it feels like I’m going for broke, which is pretty appropriate with Sears.
Mike Clevinger – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 htis, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Incredible timing to ruin my trust for five months, then pitch well. Feel like he could’ve went about that a different way.
Akil Baddoo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a home run. You know he wasn’t great this year but think back on the preseason love. Okay, now how many homers does he have? Haha, nope! Two! That’s Baddoo, as in looking at a baby doing a green smear on your favorite jersey.
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .261. Cool, but seriously whatever happened to Torkelson?
Adrian Sampson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.35 vs. Pablo Lopez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.88. This matchup was billed as, “One team has David Bote hitting third and the other team has Charles Leblanc, are these two major league teams?” Streamonator for both is a little iffy next time, but I kinda don’t mind Sampson’s next matchup.
Cristian Javier – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Hey, let me ask you something: Have the Astros ever had a bad start? If the Astros trade for Patrick Corbin, I’m in. No questions asked.
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in the last four games. Definitely has trailed off in the 2nd half, but you’re not going in again next year? Oh you are foolhardy, bro. You are J.J. Hardy’s brother. That’s you, Fool.
Shane McClanahan – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.36. So, you’re saying he’s not right? Cool, maybe tell me before the start next time.
MJ Melendez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .223. Only Michael Jordan’s 2nd homer in September, as he hits .210-ish. Hey, they can’t all be Nick Gordon (3-for-4). That’s right, I snuck in one more schmotato!
Sonny Gray – Hit the IL with a hammy strain, and he’s done for the season. Shame, I had him down for four IL stints this year, and he’s gonna fall just under. Between that and my bet that the Tigers would win the World Series and Dom Smith would lead the majors in homers, it wasn’t a great year for betting. As I always say, it’s only a gambling problem if you’re losing! So, here’s to next year!