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WooWeeWooWaa.mp3. HolyCow.wav. Sound of eyes popping from Sylvester the Cat. Kyle Bradish did what? Kyle Bradish did:  8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks vs. the Astros. I’m sorry, but I’m gonna sue somebody for making my heart pitter-patter too fast. Who do I contact for that? Oh, no, I’m…*puts handkerchief to forehead, faints into a beanbag that’s wearing Giancarlo jersey and pasted-on magazine face of his* Oh my goodness, I’m talking like a Southern belle. So, Streamonator‘s got steam rising from its robot ears that was so gorgeous. Looking at Kyle Bradish big picture, long-term, for 2023 fantasy baseball, and, well, he’s got four pitches — 95 MPH fastball, 87 MPH slider, 83 MPH curve, and 90 MPH change. His command is kinda atrocious, though better in his 100+ IP in the majors than it was in the low minors. Maybe he’s figured out something here as he turns 25. Not going to write him off completely, because Camden is now one of the best pitchers’ parks, and his stuff was solid in search of command. If the command’s there, I wouldn’t be shocked if he’s a name we go back to next year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.82. Feel like he’s going to retire and we’re going to find out he’s had a robotic arm this whole time.

Kolten Wong – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 13th, 14th and 15th homer. Some days there’s nothing worthy of a lede. Yesterday there were two huge things worthy. That insane Bradish start, and Wong. Three Wong Night giving Joy to the World, or Bradish being uneffinbelievable. Three Wong Night with three huge hits, and that’s more than Three Dog Night. Sorry Wong, you dong’d gong’d bested by Bradish.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Member the game Password? Contestant, “Wong, Wong, Wong, Woodruff…” Charles Nelson Reilly, “Peckerwood…? Sandpaper…? Sandpecker…?”

Kyle Farmer – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. I swear to you for each home run, I triple-check to make sure a guy hasn’t been hot in the past few days. No schmotatoes will ever get by me! My guaranteed claim to you. Yet, Farmer’s been pretty meh recently.

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.91. Want a guy who could give you a Bradish start? Look no further! Though, he could also give you a Berrios start.

Stephen Vogt – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs as he announced he’s retiring at the end of the year. Impressive, getting the Vogt out just before the midterms.

Julio Rodriguez – Left yesterday’s game with lower back tightness. Honestly, if he had lower back looseness, I’d be worried. Get him back out there — literally! I don’t want bad, evill thoughts to creep into my head, but I sure hope Jul-Rod can play ‘above the rim,’ as they say in fantasy basketball and Tupac movies, and doesn’t get befell by injury after freakin’ injury like Tatis and Acuña. If this year is any indication though, well, um, yeah, I don’t want to even think it. Someone pinch me to distract me. Metaphorically! Stop pinching me!

George Kirby – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.30. Just trying to make it easier to draft him next year, right? Dot dot dot. Right? *wipes away tears* You’re trying to help us, right?!

Jarred Kelenic – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Gloria, get out the Star Mitzvah decorations!” “What do you mean you sold them on eBay?! Why would you do that?!” That’s my uncle and aunt arguing while I’m on the phone after they call me. You have family like this or is it just me? They call me while they’re both on the call, and then they talk to each other. Any hoo! Kelenic drives me almost as crazy as my aunt and uncle calling me, but I will be monocle’ing him.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 2 runs and 14th homer. He homered the other day, but both are in Coors, so not sure I can say hot schmotato. Not that I have any beef with Carl’s Jr. Jr. Hashtag nailed it! High five me! No? Okay.

Martin Perez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Rudy and I were talking about this yesterday, how it feels like there’s more ratio-heavy starters this year than strikeout-heavy ones. It might be anecdotal, but it does feel like you could find a Martin Perez, Mikolas, Sandy, Tyler Anderson, well, you get the pitcher — misspelling on porpoise! If you go down the top ERA guys, you see it littered with under-9 K/9 guys. Not sure if it’s more than other years, but feels like it.

Jose Berrios – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.27. He hasn’t singlehandedly ruined a league for me where I have Judge and Jo-Ram. I’ve singlehandedly ruined a league of mine with Judge and Jo-Ram by starting Berrios all year.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Kinda hope he hits 15 homers in the final two weeks, so people who abandoned us for fantasy football return next year and draft Whit again thinking he had a solid year.

Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting leadoff, but hasn’t done much in the most recent past few games. Unless you count everything Arozarena does too, because their names are easily confused if you look real fast.

Ranger Suarez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not saying this happens, but if his ERA stays around 3.20 to 3.40 for the rest of the year that’s a win, right? I mean, it wasn’t always pretty, but we’re not hating that, are we? Do I get my “I gave you a Ranger Suarez sleeper” flowers or nah?

Christian Walker – 1-for-4 and his 36th homer, hitting .238. Next year people are going to draft him like they drafted Joey Votto this year saying, “You go ahead and draft your 1st baseman early, I can just take Christian Walker at 140th overall.”

Zac Gallen – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.46. It feels like everyone made up their mind in July to give Alcantara the Cy Young, but should they have kept some space in their brain for Zac Gallen? Up next on Discovery+.

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .244. People wonder why the White Sox did so poorly this year. Was it La Russa? Well, yeah, of course. But what about their best surprises on the year being Johnny Cueto (6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15) and Gavin Sheets? Oh, and Luis Robert was day-to-day for three months straight.

Shane Bieber – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. This is kinda inside baseball (as that term means when not applying to baseball, but this does apply to baseball), but I wouldn’t be surprised if Steamer projects Bieber for a 4+ ERA next year. It won’t like his peripherals is my guess.

Hayden Wesneski – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45 vs. Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Would I start these guys next time out? Sure. Would I trust these guys? Ha, absolutely not.

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Okay, but what did Judge do?! I care more about a Judge than Rain Man!

Reese McGuire – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. With all the enthusiasm for Judge, it must’ve been weird for Reese to get one off with so many people around.

Triston Casas – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He won’t be appearing in this afternoon’s Buy, but this weekend, his bat in The Casas That Ruth Built, well, let me just say, I think his homer went about 330 feet.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .237. Juson Rick Farpro has been the Padres’ leadoff guy all year. That’s if you thought they were serious about winning it all this year.

Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. This isn’t really his fault, but he has 10 wins, and his career high in one year is 11, which he did twice. Forget 300, we’re never gonna see a 200-win pitcher again.

Manny Machado – 1-for-2 and a slam (30) and legs (8), hitting .296. Wonder if he’s ever ordered a green tea and been like, “Give me a Matchado!” I have deep thoughts.

Brendan Donovan – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. You just can’t stop the Cards’ offense. No quit there. Like a locomotive that is solar powered on a cloudy day. Any hoo! This was Donovan’s first grand slam, so noisemaker for that, but he hasn’t done much else recently (though, no Cards had been).

Lars Nootbaar – 1-for-2, 2 runs, and his 13th homer. That home run in San Diego was caught by someone eating granola and they had a decision to make:  Keep Nootbaar’s ball or their granola bowl. If they kept both, there was a chance, they’d celebrate the bowl and eat the ball. Thankfully, they threw the bowl onto the field and ate the ball.

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 4.66. Ugly-ish Quality Start with those walks, but better UQS than UGH!

Josh Winder – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Yeah, he’s whatevs, but he did remind me of the Twins, and how they develop decent pitchers and hitters who are always just a tad worse than Cleveland’s and why they’re always behind them.

Edward Olivares – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. He hit that one off the Winder, rather into. Off of, get it? I don’t know, guys and five girl readers, use your imagination! So, Olivares, without the cloak and dagger of Dayton Moore hanging over him, might be worth a late-season grabberooski. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, though, because that shizz is already tucked in real pretty.

Drew Waters – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Waters off Winder? What is this the parasailing national championships that Mississippi pretended to build a stadium for so they could give the money to Brett Favre?

Jonathan Heasley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.87. Fun fact! When someone asks me why I listen to R&B, I say, “It heals me,” and in my head I always hear Heasley. Streamonator hates his next start, but it’s vs. Tigers and I could see it if you’re more Henley than Heasley and you’re Desperado.

Mike Soroka – Headed to the IL with elbow soreness. Soroka’s greatest attribute this year was helping a freestylist by bridging a bar with Almond Roca.